I am the master of "erotic dinosaur fanfiction! For some funny coincidental reason, this story shows up at the top of the search if you key that in, right above the International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer's Association, and Topless Robot's Root Her post.
I think I've found my calling in life. Just kidding!
Thanks to Game Informer's Blue Stinger Replay for making this get somewhat popular, even by negative publicity. And thanks to whoever linked my story with "erotic dinosaur fanfiction" so that it comes up when you try to search that. :)
Jurassic Park: Raptors in Love
Robert Muldoon was a very talented man. He was an expert in animal behavior and a crack shot as well. That was how he got hired for the job of game warden at Jurassic Park and he did a damn fine job. He knew the raptors better than anyone around. Nobody knew that in addition to being one hell of a expert beast tamer and hunter, he was also an intensely sick perverted man. He enjoyed seeing raptors mate and one time he'd even loosened the screws on the door of one of the loading cages of the raptor pen and watched a female in heat horrifically and hilariously rape and murder an unfortunate young greencard carrying worker while he beat off to it and another worker video taped it, much to his co-workers confused yet dismissive chagrin. They knew better than to say anything about it to anyone else, lest they get shoved into the raptor pens next. It was an accident, of course. It always was an accident. A sexy accident.
Muldoon had studied the raptors for years and even lived with them and they accepted him into their strange and vicious little raptor society even though he was a stinking drunk and a snooty British man and a complete social freak and sometimes he blew them up with grenades for fun. He knew some of them had changed sex from female to male but he never told Mr. Hammond or anybody else working at the park because he liked hiding in the ferns and watching them get down and do the dirty bi-pedal lizard hump. Very much so. Because once you have seen sweet sweet live velociraptor pornography, regular human pornography doesn't seem all that interesting any more. But Muldoon had a problem. He was starting to get less and less entertained with juicy velocismut as time went on. He tried increasing his alcohol intake, but it did not help. It just made him get really disoriented and black out, and sometimes he'd wake up and discover he'd made tender love to his hat. And then his hat would be all stained and he'd wasted a good forty bucks getting it cleaned all those times, no questions asked. He was getting mighty pissed and frustrated and angry. And somewhat depressed. But mostly incredibly horny.
"I need a good wank, dammit," the sun soaked Brit muttered as he hiked up his form fitting short shorts so that they showed off his exceptionally tight bum for all the ladies and possibly a few of the more pervy blokes to see. It was just then that he realized it was mating season for some of the dinosaurs who the JP breeders had allowed to change from female to male to produce eggs because it was easier and more cost effective to do that creating the eggs from test tube scratch all the time, but then they killed the males after it was done. He skipped merrily off to the raptor pen to see how his favorite girls were doing.
There they were indeed, engaged in a furious flurry of cawing, barking, and making those creepy raptor noises they always made as the two ladies were fighting over who would be first to get the muscular velocistud who was lounging in the bushes and waiting for somebody to come sit and spin on his ready and willing reptilian rod. Their bickering came to a quick end when Muldoon came crashing down over the side of the pen, having forgotten where the door was in his soused stupor and opted to simply scale the wall through the electric wire fence instead but having a blood alcohol level far above the acceptable standard, he was quite off balance. He got up and brushed himself off suavely and strode over to the pair with gusto.
"Now, now ladies. Why don't you just both have a turn on that fine chap there?" Muldoon said trying to get the party kick started. His groin throbbed with an urge so powerful it would have caused a lesser man to break down and weep tears of madness stronger than a Lovecraft protagonist.
The two velocisluts pondered the suggestion over for a few minutes before smiling to each other with their razor sharp jaws full of deadly teeth for eating the flesh of lesser creatures. So they did. The buck gave a clawed thumbs up to his friendly human helper.
Muldoon rejoiced and jumped back into his spot in the bushes as the threesome of fearsome godless raptor mating ensued. Not long after the moaning cries of the wild gamesman echoed across the fern filled enclosure as he reached the peak of his climax and so did the terrible trio of demonic beasts. And then everybody had a much needed post-coital smoke.
Muldoon was about to leave, his quest to end erectile dysfunction properly fulfilled for the time being, and he got up and jerked his shorts back up. He was startled as a yellow eye peered back at him from the brush beyond, having been watching him the whole time but he was too drunk to realize. A snout poked out from the fluffy flower adorned shrubbery and then a head and he found himself staring into the deepest most soul full yellow eyes he'd ever seen. And they belonged to another young raptor buck. This one had a fine muscular shape and well toned limbs as he worked out a lot to maintain his figure, a beautiful scaly coat of the sexiest tan leathery skin you could ask for, and feathery tufts of hair slicked back upon his handsomely protruding and tooth filled face. He smiled at Muldoon suggestively.
"What's all this now?" the raptor fetishist queried, surprised by the sudden encounter. "Sorry young fellow. I'm done for the day," he said and turned to continue about his way, but the young buck would not take no for an answer having been flung into a wild frenzy by the game warden's sexual display minutes prior. "Aaaaaaaaaah! What the!" he gasped as he was pounced upon by the lustful brute and the raptor shoved its long thick tongue into his sultry little tosser mouth. "FAULTY TOWERS!" Muldoon shouted through the tongue lashing as he tried to shove the horny fellow off of his person. It was to no avail. He could smell the smelly smell of raptor pheromones and they smelled like candy but also sex. And kind of like almonds a little bit but who was there to question? Oh yes. He was. The raptor started clawing off the khaki clad man's tiny shorts as he continued drowning him in sloppy dinosaur kisses. The kind that make the people at the Alliance for JP Erotica or whatever they call themselves have to go out and buy new keyboards. I hope you're still out there, Michael. You're an inspiration to us all.
Muldoon trembled harder as he found himself getting jolly good tight once again under the unnatural molestation. He realized then that his main problem was that he was an alcoholic and it had been killing his boner for years so he turned to the loving embrace of raptor gay sex for comfort, and found the answer to all his prayers within.
"OH GOD YES! THIS IS IT, THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR FOR ALL THESE YEARS," he yelled as the young stud flipped him over and tore down his scant ass coverings and exposed his deliciously supple and firm bottom. "DO IT, DO IT!" he moaned and grasped the earth beneath him for safety and support as he raised his bum into the air for the mounting as was proper raptor custom.
"Rawr!" said the young raptor as he took up the invite quite readily. Because it's not rape if you're willing and everyone knows rape is just surprise sex you didn't know you wanted anyway. Except this time it has dinosaurs. And dinosaurs are awesome.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYES," screamed Muldoon as the engorged monster mating stick poked his delicate insides. But it didn't hurt because male raptors sexy bits produce their own lubrication. He was just screaming because he's a screamer in the sack. And there was no sack, because he was lying face down in the dirt. So he was screaming louder because he was outside and had a really big raptor penis in his ass. "AAAAAAAAAH," Muldoon continued yelling as he was thrust forward roughly, because all raptor matings are hardcore rough and they beat the shit out of you when they do it. He was getting claw marks all over his back and bum and dirt in his face and hair and little rocks were hitting him in the face every time his head was slammed down against the ground because a four hundred seventy pound lizard is banging him and that feels like someone hitting you in the ass with a Chevy pickup a little so you get the idea. It was magical in every way.
"Rrrrrrrrrowl!" yowled the young gay raptor in love as he continued about his splendid afternoon quickie with the perverted madman.
"Oh God yes, root me ROOT ME YOU FILTHY BASTARD," cried Muldoon between erotic gasps and grunts "YOU SHOULD ALL BE DESTROOOOYED BECAUSE YOUR ALL DIRTY PERVERTED SODS, THE LOT OF YOU AAAAAAAAH YESSSS BUT I LOVE IT OH GOD YES I'M A TWISTED LITTLE MAN SLUT YES I AM KEEP SHOOTIIIIING SHOOT MEEEEEEEEEEE SHOOOOOOT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," he growled as he slammed himself back against his primal cross-species lover. And then he gave a loud ear shattering scream of unbridled ecstasy as he unloaded his six gauge sawed off purple shotgun of masculine glory onto his surroundings. And the raptor said "RRROWL" in his deep baritone raptory seductive voice and unleashed his orgasmic fury upon the unwitting human.
With a screaming cry of veliciraptory triumph, the creature shot a torrent of ancient, hot, paleontonic reproductive mayo that sent the man whore JP game warden flying into the bushes several feet away. Because raptors are better than giant flightless birds even if they are cousins. And Final Fantasy Seven sucks and is an overrated piece of shit that only got popular exactly like Pokemon and all animes after that because it was one of the first more widly recognized rpgs to grow popular in the West and that's the only. Fucking. Reason. God I hate stupid fat fuck Americans. But that's besides the point here. Back to the story.
The young buck lifted up and strode off, chipper as a member of the GOP during a recession. Muldoon groaned and got to his knees dusting himself off and rubbing his aching forehead. He sighed with deep relief however, feeling much better now that he'd received a proper shagging the likes of which he'd never known up until this point in his otherwise depressing and miserable life.
"Bloody hell and all that rot that was loverly," he exclaimed and jumped up to hunt down another buck in heat once the tingling in his colon subsided. He knew he wouldn't have to look that far. It was Tuesday. He might just take a stroll over to the Dilophosaur pens if he was feeling perky enough, he thought. The ambrosial scent of the raptor love pheromones would assist him quite nicely until he could step off for a shower. And who knew when the hell that would be because he was a real man. Ladies.
The End.