A/N: the warnings list was too long to put in the summary. Yeah, it's THAT kind of fic...

WARNINGS: Very dark humour, references to suicide, religion, organized crime, gay sex, awkward sex, abusive and generally crap parenting, arranged marriage, threesomes, violence, drugs, redheads, Britney Spears and accounting

ALSO CONTAINS: OOC Zetsu, Pein and Sasori, and a touch of the deidara bashing...

Pairings: KakuHida, HidaTem, KisaIta, NaruSakuSasu, SasoDei, GaaLee, PeinKonan (most of these are only vague references)

Once upon a time: there was a largely successful company called Sabaku stationary. A god-fearing tea boy, a deranged business tycoon who never slept, and his alcoholic sister, an accountant who acted far too robotic not to have several filthy, filthy secrets, the profoundly wise janitor who happened to be one of those secrets, a drug dealer-turned-evil-overlord, and a convenient series of events in a wealthy suburb that never expected anything remotely scandalous to happen within its borders…

The first event began with a sleeping pill overdose-induced dream

Unemployed, orphaned, friendless, and with nothing but a rarely home fuck-buddy roommate for entertainment. Hidan, an unusually silver-haired and purple-eyed man of twenty-something years had always been a happy child. He had been a positive thinker from day one- even going so far as to declare his intentions to write when his endearingly violent father kicked his and his delightfully hateful mother's sorry arses out onto the streets. He had grinned at the age of twelve when he saw the dilapidated shack that now belonged to him and his partner. He had never stopped hoping for a letter from age sixteen when his mother had simply disappeared, leaving no clues but a garbled note about finding her fortune in Vegas. He had even managed a high-pitched sound vaguely resembling a laugh when his penny-pinching boyfriend (who was much too old for him) declared that they were now irrevocably involved in an organized crime gang called Akatsuki.

Though, Hidan's currently fuzzy mind reasoned, staring despondently through several inches of bathwater over his head, that laugh had sounded a little more like a sob than a chuckle at the time...

And that perhaps it was this intense state of denial that brought him to his current predicament…

Swallowing a ridiculous number of pills and taking a bath, in hindsight, was probably not the most positive moment of Hidan's life- or the brightest move he had ever made. He had thought that Kakuzu finding him like this would be a pretty sort of show, like in the most depressing of pop music videos, everyone weeping over the poetic suicide scene before them.

He was only just realizing that he wasn't Britney Spears, and that he may well have just peed himself- he wasn't too sure, as he was completely immobile.

God really, really hates me…he thought with an inward sigh.

"I really don't, you know…"

Far too out of it to be startled, Hidan gazed absently from his watery prison upwards into the face of a dishevelled looking man in his late thirties. He looked as though he had been on some form of narcotics for more than half of those years, and hadn't slept in weeks- through the water, Hidan could vaguely smell booze. And the glint of the man's ridiculous number of facial piercing was making his eyes ache.

"God…?" He burbled, voice resonating clearly through the water for reasons he couldn't fathom.

"The one and only, kid." the man offered a dry chuckle that Hidan did not return.

"God's a redhead?"

God rolled his eyes "and the meek shall inherit the earth…" he quoted himself.

"And the sunburnt shall be the basis of all creation?"

"Something like that…" God responded nonchalantly, "It looks like you're in a bit of a pickle, kid."

"Yeah… wait… Am I dead?"

"Not quite. I'm not done with you yet, you see. But I can only talk to my children when they're horribly deluded like this…" Hidan managed an ironic smile.

"I need you to do a job for me, Hidan."

Hidan scowled, he hadn't worked since he was eighteen and king-hit the boss for calling him a pansy.

What could God possibly want with a lowlife like him?

"You are going to go to Sabaku Stationery, on the other side of town…"

"You want me to sell pencils in your name…"

"And ask for a job. Any job. It doesn't matter."

"Why?" Hidan mumbled.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways… mysterious, mysterious ways…" Hidan thought he could hear a woman yelling in the background, God turned away from Hidan, "ALRIGHT BITCH! I'M COMING! Jesus CHRIST! Would you let me finish this first?! YEAH, YOUR MOTHER CAN FUCKING WAIT! FUCK!…. Sorry…" he said, turning back to Hidan, who simply stared. "Uh, I guess you can wake up now. Oh, and dump your boyfriend, he's a fucking wanker. Go fuck someone with tits."

"Don't tell him to do that!" The woman's voice shouted from the background.

"Shut the fuck up, bitch!"

The image of God faded from his vision…

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Hidan's lavender eyes snapped open to register the inside of a speeding ambulance, and the mildly annoyed expression of his soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend a few moments later, filled with a new, higher understanding…

God was a foul mouthed ginger…

And I am his disciple.

"I will make him fucking proud, seriously!" he declared with a newfound bitterness, he turned his smoldering gaze to Kakuzu.

"Oh, fuck… it's alive." Said Kakuzu.

A/N: WTF? I know! WTF, indeed. Don't pretend you weren't thinking it ^_^ Uhh... it IS a comedy, but it's a satire, so if you have trouble with morbid humour, run away... Oh, and review!! Please!