the one who survives by making the lives of others worthwhile

She knows how her friends see her: kind and good-hearted, maybe, but in some essential way, utterly uninteresting. And on some level, she wonders if that is why they remain her friends: that by being tedious and unimportant, they can feel elevated by comparison. She knows, deep down, that it isn't true, but she cannot see any beauty in herself, and it is the only explanation that makes remotely any sense.

Ann helps Felicity into her gown, and finds one thing about herself to be thankful for: that she is excellent at hiding her emotions, and that Felicity will never, never know that Ann resents her just as much as she loves her.

Ann can dress up as a duchess and spin a tale of lies and deceit, but eventually the house of cards will crash and she will be right where she started. It has been predetermined that her life will not be one lived for herself, but for others. It is unfair, but it will only be more painful if she fights it.

But she still cannot extinguish that one small, burning ember of hope that ignites, just a little, as she steps into her own gown and holds her head high, ready to pretend.

-

she's seeing too clearly what she can't be

After the entire debacle is over, Ann feels simultaneous relief and despair; the latter is the preeminent emotion, although she cannot bear to show it. She begins to scratch herself again, for there is nothing else for her, no other hope.

The worst is the way she knows that her friends – her sole reason for existence, it seems – will leave her for their own bright, glorious futures. She tries not to think about how it will feel when they too leave her behind, just as her parents did, just as the world did.

Because she can never have that future: she can never attend the ballroom dances nor will she be invited to parties or even casual meetings. The rules of society are strict on many things, and one of those is the exclusion of those deemed unfit for polite company.

Ann goes to a school that really serves only those poised for a good marriage and a comfortable, easy, life. She hears talk every day about handsome, rich men that they will marry and the luxuries they will enjoy. She wishes that she had learned, over the years, the ability of being able to ignore it, but that is one trait she does not possess.

-

she says i need not to need

It is rare for Pippa not to be moving, racing around the Borderlands with garlands in her hair, nymph-like and free; it is even rarer for Felicity not to be by her side. Ann settles down on the grass next to her. Pippa is twirling a ring of grass in her fingers, looking wistfully at it.

"Do you think you'll ever get married?" she asks Ann abruptly.

The question takes Ann aback. "I don't know," she stammers, because giving any real answer, truth or lie, would hurt worse than being beheaded.

Pippa looks down at her ring, a sad smile on her lips. "I don't think I ever will," she says mournfully. She discards the ring on the ground, turning her face slightly, but Ann still sees the glint of a tear on her porcelain-smooth cheek.

"Pippa…" Ann doesn't know what to say. This entire situation is strange: miraculous and wonderful, and it makes Felicity so beautifully happy that Ann cannot even think about protesting, and it assuages her own guilt over the death of a friend. Still, she cannot completely come to terms with the fact that Pippa – who by all means should have passed on, according to everything Gemma has said – is still here. All of the lessons Ann learned in church rush to her mind at these moments, and she wonders if something is wrong. Still, she says nothing. It is easier not to challenge the way things are – easier not to challenge those who have power.

And Pippa is her dear friend, and right now she is not powerful but vulnerable. Pippa leans away from Ann, rising to her feet. In a moment her face transforms into a mask of happiness, with just a few cracks betraying her true misery. "Let's dance," she says, taking flight to find the others.

Ann manages to grab Pippa's hand before she hurries off. "Are you all right?" she asks, her maternal nature overtaking her.

Pippa looks down, the façade fading slightly. "Just…promise me something," she says softly. "You'll be able to do the things that I can't – that Fee can't. And Gemma can't either, not really, since she's so entwined with the Realms and the magic and that boy of hers – but you. You can have a normal life, and sometimes I wonder if that's better than all of this." She hesitates. "I know that it's better."

"I'm sorry," Ann says softly. She has never guessed the depth of Pippa's hurt before, and it overtakes her.

"Just live your life for me," Pippa begs. "I didn't fight enough – or maybe I fought the wrong way. But what if I hadn't married Mr. Bumble? I might be shamed, my parents might hate me, but I'd be alive and I would be with Fee and Gemma and you. What happens if you don't become a governess?"

It is all so easy for Pippa to say, but Ann knows better. "Then I become penniless, destitute," she says flatly. This is not a conversation she wants to have, but Pippa is determined to say what she wants to.

"Is it that bad?" she says softly. "I know that you want more than being a governess. I wanted more than Mr. Bumble."

Ann hesitates. "I'm trying not to want that, actually," she confesses, her voice toneless. "There isn't any point, after all."

Pippa shakes her head, shaking her hand free of Ann's grip. "You're stronger than me, Ann," she says pensively. "Do the things that I couldn't," she whispers, or at least that is what Ann thinks she says, because in a moment she has hurried off to find Fee and Gemma and the other girls.

-

i've always been the tower

For a moment, Ann lets herself dream. She lets herself think about becoming Nan Washbrad permanently, of cloaking herself in a far more desirable identity and performing over the country, over the world. She considers being adored and loved and wanted.

But it wouldn't be her, and that would be the one blight on her happiness – and Ann knows it would eventually grow to consume her. Just as Tom never knew who she truly was, neither would the world. And although Nan is beautiful and perfect, she is not Ann, and Ann's true desire is to be loved for herself. In that case, there is a sense of security, that those that adore her will never stop.

Ann closes her eyes and pictures herself singing in front of a crowd that cheers raucously after, then for the Queen of England and then for what she pictures some desert sultan to look like. It is a daydream, though, and it is nothing more.

Opening her eyes, Ann takes out her ink and pen and begins to write a note telling her cousins that she is ready to become a governess. As she writes in her elegant hand, her writing just as fine and polished as any of the other girls' at Spence, she feels as if she is signing her death warrant.

-

now i feel like i'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

Each day with her cousins is a nightmare. Ann has learned to block it all out of her mind, and numb herself, as if with some drug. She has turned to alcohol that some of the other servants drink so that during the nights they can forget about the despair that their future holds for them.

Ann doesn't think during the time she spends with her cousins. She works mindlessly and doesn't say anything when her charges are horrible to her. She doesn't think about the way Felicity would encourage her to teach them a lesson, nor does she recall Gemma's encouraging words. Most of all, she tries to forget Charlie Smalls' face and Pippa's request.

But when she sees Felicity and Gemma again, suddenly everything has changed and she feels alive again. She feels the icy block around her melt, and suddenly she is all emotions and desires and needs. It is so strange to her, to be open and to admit that she wants things for herself, but there it is and she knows now that she needs to acknowledge them if they are to become a reality.

I want this I want this I want this, she says to herself fiercely. And I will have it. The words are more decisive than any resolve she has ever made before, and she knows that she will not relinquish this fight, not ever.

-

where is the one who can change me

She is shaking right after her first performance. It is not like one of her daydreams; she did not perform nearly as well as she has done in rehearsals, and she feels shame wash over her. She wonders, for a moment, why she ever took on this role in the first place, when she was simply setting herself up for failure.

She is mediocre, and that is all she will ever be. She doesn't even want to think about what Gemma or Felicity would think if they were here – that all of their faith in her was for nothing.

Hurrying away from anyone that might recognize her, Ann keeps her eyes downcast so that she will not have to see any familiar faces. She is a few paces away from the theatre when she hears her name being called. She doesn't stop.

She hears it again, more persistent, then footsteps behind her and a strong hand on her shoulder. "Ann?"

It is Charlie, and he is the last person she wants to see right now. "You don't want me in your show anymore, do you?" she asks immediately, knowing what his response will be.

Charlie looks bewildered, and Ann thinks that it is a cruel trick. "No, of course I still want you there. I mean – you weren't as great as you were at rehearsals, but that's normal for your first time. Just practice a little, and-"

Ann cuts him off, because she cannot hear any more. "No. Don't you see? I won't get any better. This is all I can do. I gave it my best, and I failed. Just leave me alone."

Charlie's open face closes off a little, shadows making it look even more angular and abstract. "If that's what you think, then fine," he says, more than a little coldly. "But I know you have talent, and you do too." He leans in closer, his voice becoming more gentle. "And I think once you realize that, you will be phenomenal."

Her resolve breaking down, Ann leans in closer to Charlie and lets him loop his arm around her. She reminds herself that she trusts him and that he cares about her and is one of the best friends she has ever made, and most of all, that he likes her for who she really is. "I thought it would all miraculously just work," she says, unable to stop her sniffling.

Charlie pulls her closer, pressing his lips to the top of her head. "You're the only one who can make it happen," he tells her. "But I know it will, sooner or later. Just keep working at it – and remember, I'm always here."

-

the danger and the power

It comes after her ninth performance. When the artists are applying her cosmetics and she is changing costumes after the first act, she remembers Pippa's words and she suddenly realizes the gravity of them. She has been given a miracle, and it is her duty to make the most of it. She has worked for this, and she cannot let it slide away.

She has gradually been getting better performance by performance, but this time she soars. She knows it as she sings and acts and she knows it by the applause she receives. And it makes her happy, but the warmest, best feeling is from knowing that she has excelled and, more importantly, that she will continue to do so. There is no limit to talent, and it will be her goal to keep climbing and climbing and making herself proud.

There is one more thing. Pippa's words about a husband flash through her mind quickly and lightly, and this time Ann tries to locate Charlie. She knocks on his door after she has gathered her courage, and waits, holding her breath, for him to answer it.

It takes a few minutes; Ann registers that it is late. When he opens the door, his hair is messy and he looks like he has just been woken from sleep. He looks more raw than she has ever seen him, and he is beautiful to her.

Without letting herself think about it, she takes a step forward, crossing into his house and letting herself press her body to his. After a moment of what must be shock, for she knows this is unexpected from her, she feels his head lean down and his lips brush against hers, gently at first and then more forcefully. She has always been timid, fearful of making decisions, but she realizes that in the end, she does have the strength to make them.

She has never done this before, but she tosses away self-consciousness. She knows, from the way he looks at her after they stop for breath, that he loves her. And she won't think outright about marriage yet, but she can tell that that is not far away from his mind either. She sees the happiness in his eyes, and she is glad that she has made him so joyful.

But it isn't just that, she realizes. She is delighted that she is so euphoric, and she realizes that is just as important as how he feels. She can feel the delight she sees in him, and it makes her even more happy that both of them feel this way. She deserves happiness, she realizes. She deserves this. They both do.

It is a little bit dangerous, to let herself go like this and take this kind of chance, but Ann is alive and she has the ability to do so. She thinks of Gemma, Fee; of Fowlson, of Mrs. Nightwing, all people who would give their lives to see their loved one again, and she knows she would be a fool to let fear chase her away from this.

She takes a deep breath and kisses him again.

Credits: song lyrics by Vienna Teng, and of course the characters belong to Libba Bray. Reviews are loved!