Buildmea Bridge

-

Sequel to Crimea River. FE9 and now including FE10! In which Elincia won't let Ike slip out of her grasp, Lucia considers a haircut, Shinon finds a foil in an erudite axe-man, and several persons and inanimate objects vie for Ike's affection.

Oh, and I don't own shit. Except the bridge. She's mine. Hiss. Hisssssssssss.

-

As much as Ike hated to admit it, the river was in his blood. The river had crawled under his skin and into every open pore and twisted fiber of his being. It made him itch.

For several months, Ike made a concerted effort (his brain in concert with his Greil-like muscles) to not visit the river. It failed. It was almost a year after what would be known as the "Mad King's War" (or, in certain Crimean circles, the "Ha ha, Daein got Owned" war). Occasionally, Ike slipped out of the castle to visit in the river, and he would sit by the edge of the river and gently stir the crystalline water with his hand. Whenever he went to sit by the river, he couldn't help thinking how much nicer it was to sit outdoors, on the plains or in the trees, near the water or along the stone paths that wound around and around through Crimea.

He had to get out. Ike knew it whenever he sat by the edge of the river. He had to get out of the castle, off the royal stage where everyone was a pampered, prissy, stuck up wusscake. One day, after finishing stroking the Crimea River with his hand in just the right currents to make the river splash three times, Ike made up his mind. He had to get out of that place. If it's the last thing he ever did. Most of the original Greil Mercenaries were beginning to tire of castle life anyway, and Ike himself had had enough.

"I'll be back soon," Ike said to the river, and walked back to the castle.

When Ike returned, he went to the dining room to see if they were serving anything edible. He hated the chandeliers. They were made of crystal. The only thing that Ike could ever think about when he saw them was that each one could probably fetch cash, which could then be used to buy a leg of lamb and a couple of weapons. He knew, however, that Soren liked the way they complimented the décor, so he shrugged it off. Most of the Greil Mercenaries were already sitting around the table eating, and Ike knew immediately the meal had been specifically set out for them, because there was actual food on the table.

"'SUP, IKE?" Boyd said, biting into a steak. "YOU COOL?"

"Boyd, stop yelling," Mist said, eating two steaks and a carrot at once. "You're such a musclehead. Just like my brother."

"Oh yeah, Mist? Well, you—you're growing your hair longer! So ha!"

"Who likes me?" Ike said, and he sat down and began tearing into yet another steak.

"I like you, Commander Ike." Titania said, blushing. "Er, I mean, you're fine the way you are." Titania sat up straight and untied her long, red hair. She shook it out and it billowed every which way it was possible, and almost hit Rhys, who was sitting beside her, in the face. Ike was looking more like Greil every day. Soon enough, she was going to have to start nudging up against his muscles, and, if that failed, she was going to have to break out the big guns.

"Ike, have you heard," Soren said, eating his Wheet-os with a gold spoon, "about Count Ludveck? Apparently he's involved in some funny business giving money to, and I quote Baron Lumpy II of South Crimea, 'hos'."

"Hos?"

"Oh my," Rhys said, coughing. "That's certainly…unbecoming."

"Apparently," Soren continued, "this Count fellow is trying to deftly maneuver and muscle for rank. Also, he wants to become a 'dux'."

"WTF is a dux?" Boyd said, now taking on a slab of ribs.

"I second that," Gatrie said.

"Ducks?" Mist said, chuckling.

"I don't know what he meant," Soren said, "but maybe he just wants to have a bit role in the next game."

"What?"

"Uh, I didn't say anything."

"Well," Titania said after a swig of coffee, "they say all men have got a secret, secret, they've got a secret."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Rhys said, and he stood up. "And I'm sorry, but your way of existing in this world is so troublesome, all of you!" Rhys burst into tears. "Just because I have no speed, defense, or HP doesn't mean I'm useless! I do my best, okay?" he said, and he ran away. The rest of the Greil mercenaries just watched him run away and then kinda shrugged. It had been five-hundred and sixty point two nine five days since Rhys had done anything except act meek and heal people after they came staggering into his room bleeding on his carpet and DEMANDING help (he wasn't a huge fan of that).

"Was that a Styx reference?" Soren asked.

"I dunno," said Oscar.

"He must just have a problem with our misadventures," Gatrie said.

"Our misadventures are fun and free!" Rolf said jovially.

"I don't think anyone," Titania said, "can mess with our misadventures. Ours are not evil misadventures."

"I like having misadventures!" Mist chimed. "Misadventures are misadventurous!"

"Yeah, for what it's worth," Boyd said, "I like misadventures too—"

"That's it!" Shinon screamed, and everyone else jumped about a foot into the air, startled.

"Enough is enough!" Shinon waved his bow around with his right hand and with his left hand he held an arrow and pointed it at random pieces of furniture and/or people. "I have had it with these damn 'misadventures' in this damn castle! I swear to god, the next person who says 'misadventures' is gonna get stabbed with an arrow. You gots that, people?"

"Sounds…misadventurous." Ike said.

"Oh, shut up."

"Anyway, Shinon, why are you so worried about what we're doing?" Ike said. "I thought you didn't want to hang around us?"

"Well, I—it's like this." Shinon snorted and brushed his hair back. "As long as I'm getting paid…wait, why am I explaining this to you? You're not half the man your father was."

"Oh, come on. I'm at least three-quarters. I have the muscles."

"Yeah, Ike, you're a musclehead, just like daddy was. That's 'cause you're lifting weights all the time. Just wait a couple of years and you'll look like him," Mist said, giggling. "Tee hee."

"?" Titania said, because a question mark is now a word. "Mist, did you just say 'tee hee'?"

"Um…yeah."

"But 'tee hee' isn't a word!"

"It is now!"

"You can't just make up a word like that!" Titania protested.

"Yes I can!" Mist insisted.

Boyd chortled. "Oh, come on, Titania. You don't have a funny bone in your body!"

"Oh dear. That—that could require some major surgery!" Rhys said, completely serious, and he sounded genuinely concerned for her.

"I could put a pretty funny bone inside your body, Titania," Shinon said.

Everyone looked at him.

"A-Anyway," Shinon continued, "as long I'm getting paid, I'm fine. Just don't embarrass me. As long as you're in the Greil Mercenaries, Ike, you reflect poorly on me."

"Yeah?" Ike said. "You're just pissed 'cause you ran out of booze. What about all those times you got completely tanked and started screaming how you wanted to screw one of the laguz?"

"What the hell?" Shinon said, stepping back. He eyed the door cagily. "I-I—would never say anything like that about one of those damn laguz—er, sub—"

"QED," Soren said, sitting at the table and curling up into a little ball of angst and rocking back and forth.

"Say what?"

"You said 'laguz'. That means you secretly respect the laguz. That means you're looking for a hot date," Soren said. "It's only logical. But it disturbs me, therefore, Crawwwlllingiiinmyskiiiiin."

"That was odd."

"You probably would like a tiger. Or cat. Or maybe hawk? I've seen you talking to Janaff," Soren said.

"Oh, blow me, Soren!"

"With pleasure."

"This intelligent conversation is very interesting and all," Ike interrupted, "but I think you both should cram it. There could be spies under the table and in the windows and in the soup. Anyway, Soren, check yourself before you make a wreck out of yourself, and Shinon, for the love of all that is holy, G the proverbial FO."

Shinon shook his head. "You haven't heard the last of me, Ike," he said, sneering. "No, you haven't. This is bananas! This is a load of bullbananas!" and then he left the room.

"Bananas?" Ike said, confused. "I thought this. Was. Crimea!"

Soren chuckled. "No doubt."

After they finished their meal, Ike stopped Titania in the hallway.

"Titania, I have something to talk to you about. You listen, or you die a horrible, horrible, painful death."

"What?"

"Uh, I mean, pretty please?"

"Of course, commander," Titania said. "What do you need?"

"I have a…er…" Ike stalled. "This is hard to say, but…I have a girl problem."

Soren popped out of nowhere and said, "Yeah, girls are a problem, all right," but then Ike hit him with a plastic hammer and he disappeared in a cloud of angst and Sword body spray ("Sword body spray: Has the weapon type advantage over those other body sprays.")

"Anyway, Titania, I, er, have a girl problem, and I thought, well, because you were a woman and all, you might know a little bit more than I do."

"Oh, commander," Titania said. "O-of course I would be happy to listen. Whatever is the problem?"

"Well, there's this…girl. And I have a problem."

"I see. Anything more specific?"

"Well, I, uh…have a problem," Ike said. "About this girl. Did I already say that?"

"Ike, you're acting out of character."

"I know. Titania, can you help me exaggerate my personality so I appear to be funnier to our audience? I'm made of cardboard."

Titania smiled. "Of course, Commander Ike," Titania said coquettishly. "I'll help you forget about this girl of yours." She shook her hair out and giggled.

"You know, you're really starting to look like Greil…I don't suppose you'd like to get some…sword practice in?"

"Nah, I already maxed out my Skill. Thanks anyway, though! Next time I need a sparring partner, I'll come to you."

Titania rolled her eyes. "No, I meant, do you want to go into the back room and fool around?"

"What?"

"Do you want to do it?" Titania yelled. "It's not that hard to understand, Ike! Do me!"

"Uh…this wasn't meant to be a completely out-of-character fic, Titania."

"Oh."

"That was actually really sexy, though."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah."

Titania crossed her fingers behind her back/long hair. "So does that mean…"

"No."

-

MEANWHILE!

"Lucia," Elincia said as she poofed her dress and began putting on her jewelry. The blue-haired woman, the swordmistress, stood at the door with a hand on her hip.

"What is it, Your Majesty?"

"Lucia, please. Don't call me that…it still makes me feel uncomfortable."

"My apologies."

"Oh, it's okay."

Lucia bowed. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Thank you for saying you're welcome."

"You're welcome."

"Anyway, Your Majesty, did you wish to speak with me?"

"Er, yes," Elincia said. She fitted her humorously large hoop earrings in her ear and turned to Lucia. Her face was beet red and felt too hot to handle (light her candle). "I—um, wanted to ask you something. I...I have been thinking about something a little bit...inappropriate. Oh, this is embarrassing, but um—um, L-Lucia?"

Lucia gulped. "Of course." She was getting excited. Could Elincia truly be—

"Do you think it would be too forward if I…" Elincia twiddled her thumbs. "…if I went up to Sir Ike and said 'Please sex me up!'? Do you think that would be not uncouth of me? Er, couth? Er, proper? Is 'couth' a word? Anyway, do you think Ike would…listen?"

"Well, I—I suppose if you really desired me so, I—wait, you said Sir Ike?" Oh. Oh. Lucia sighed inside. Damn. "Well, hmm…honestly, I don't know. I suppose it's all in how you deliver it. Maybe…maybe you should try practicing saying that."

"How would I do that?"

"Oh, I could help you," Lucia said, smiling. "I would be honored to judge if you, ah, come off as sounding couth, my lady."

"Would you?" Elincia said, her face taking flight. She grinned and her hoop earrings swooshed around. "Oh, thank you, Lucia!"

"It is the least I can do. Now, would you like me to help you practice?"

"Oh, would you, Lucia? I would be honored!" Elincia said. "Um, so…may I say it?"

"Yes, yes! Please do," Lucia said, excited.

"I don't know why, Lucia. I don't know why I feel this way about Sir Ike, OH BUT I HAVE TO HIDE IT, no no, I couldn't, I'm a terrible liar, BUT WAIT I CAN'T TELL, but I must! Oh dear…I'm an awful, awful marshmallow."

"Oh, come now, you're far too harsh on yourself, Queen Elincia."

"It is just that…" Elincia sighed. "It is just that…Sir Ike, in all his magnificence…and his hair. I don't know why, but there is something about his short hair that attracts me. I suppose I have an attraction to short hair. Did you know that, Lucia?"

Lucia bit her lip, and didn't respond for a moment. She tried to keep her long, blue hair still. "Um, no, I didn't know that. You fancy short hair, then?"

"Yes, it's—" Elincia said something that sounded strangely like 'tee hee'— "a little attraction of mine. BLUSH."

"I—I see," said Lucia. "I must remember—wait, did you just say 'BLUSH', my lady?"

"Er, no, I didn't. Why?" Elincia said. She blushed.

"Anyway, are you going to see Ike today, my queen?" Lucia asked, fingering her long locks.

"Yes, yes! I went over that bridge—you know, the one that crosses that, um…river?"

"The 'Red Lady Bridge'?"

"Yes, that's it! The one in the lands controlled by kindly old Viscount Buildmea," Elincia said. "And, erm…actually, I forget what I was going to say about that. Anyway, I should find Ike before it gets any later. It's urgent! There's something I need to do to him…er, talk to him about. Yes. I can only hope he is not already tied up."

"Already?"

"Anyway, I must go. I must find Lord Ike and see him, no matter the cost!"

Elincia hurried past Lucia and scurried into the hall. Lucia, lost in thought, idly watched her dash away and then quickly rushed into town to see the kindly woman who worked as her hairdresser.

-

For a few days, Ike went to the river. The idea that it might have a few diseases of some sort never crossed his mind. If he was jumping in, he wasn't going to half-ass it. If this tryst was going to work, he was going to need his whole ass. Titania's advice on how to please the river was a bit forward, but Ike found it to be startlingly effective. On one occasion, while walking to his favorite part of the river, he crossed a large bridge, and when he did, he had the strangest feeling, a feeling that someone was watching him combined with the sensation of someone pouring twenty whole egg whites down his pants and rubbing them around a bit. He could swear that as he stepped off the bridge, which was an odd shade of red, he could hear someone giggling.

One day, sitting at the eatin' table in Castle Crimea, Ike came to a realization. There was a reason he didn't spend much time talking with the fellow members of the Greil Mercenaries. They were crazy. Crazy. Maybe not all of them were completely, full-bore, indubitably off their rockers, but look in the New Crimean Dictionarie 2nd Edition and under "dysfunctional" you will find a picture of the Greil Mercenaries. Literally. One of the editors apparently saw fit to insert that one big, long, awkward picture of the Greil Mercenaries in their "natural habitat" into the book above the definition of the word.

Ike remembered wanting to rip the photographer's head off and replace it with the head of a stone wyvern statue covered in gravy. It was just his luck that the one picture used for the dictionary out of many the photographer took was the one with Ike front and center, the poster boy for the Crazy Stupid Shit Brigade (the "CSS-dan", as all the kids say), after he had finished getting completely stinkin' drunk and had just begun making a complete ass of himself.

Shinon later told Ike that Ike was so drunk, even he was like "Daaaaaaamn!"

Ike stood up. The castle bored him. He was getting too old for this bananas.

"I'm going out. I have business to take care of."

"Ooh, I bet widdle Ikey is going to see his gir-rr-rlfriend," Shinon said, dunking his fifth Greil-sized mug of ale, still only a quarter of the way to Legendary-Ike-Drunk drunkenness. Ike snorted. "Or, or, or, hey, listen to this, Gatrie," he continued, smacking Gatrie, who was staring at the wall dreamily, in the arm.

"Listen, listen listen listen to this, huh: maybe Ikey-wikey's going to see his im-aaa-ginary girlfriend. Ha ha ha!" Shinon took another drink.

"You ain't got nothin', punk. You ain't got sheeeeeeeeeeeat, and let me tell you, I could take you down with one shot, ya hear—hic—me? One shot and SPLAT!" Shinon burst out laughing and almost fell backwards out of his chair.

Ike rolled his eyes. "You talkin' to me? I said, you talkin' to me?"

Shinon was about to retort, but he instead buried his face in his sixth mug of ale and made loud slurping sounds, which Ike took to mean he got nothin'. He was just playing. When it came time to step up, Shinon stepped down, unless it was a mug of ale, in which case Shinon was all over it awwwwww yeah. Ike put on his disguise (a fake mustache, pimp cane, purple velvet top hat, and a big red nose with the thing you can squeeze to make it go "honk!") and headed for the door.

"Well, see you all later. Everybody hope for my sake that no one finds out my true identity." Ike said, and was about to leave, when he heard a loud squeak. "Whattafukwasdat?"

"I-it's not true!" Rhys squeaked. "I don't have a secret identity, that's not true! It's not true, I tell you! I don't want…ev-eryone to see…my true iden-ti-ty! Just because I do the things nooooo-body wants to does NOT mean that I'm secretly Kil—no! No! NOOO!"

Rhys screamed and grabbed his head. Everybody looked at him funny.

"What the hell ish wrong with you, man?" Shinon said, hiccupping. "You gots shomthing you wanna na na na tell us? Heheh come on, itsh all right, I shhahws you hanging out wish…wish dat bird the other day. The hawwwww….the hawwwwwwwwk. You get covered in feathers or something hahaha hnrrrrh. Thahhht's inna-innapro-pro-pro- not good. Hurrhurr hahahah HIC."

"Er, I-I…you…you didn't hear…anything, right?" Rhys stammered.

"Hear what?" asked Ike.

"Oh good!" Rhys said, and sighed, sinking down in his chair to the point where he was almost invisible. Titania (and everyone else, for that matter) looked at him quizzically. "Well, I don't have a secret identity. You guys can stop worrying…okay? Please?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever," Ike said. "I don't have a problem with that."

"Thank you very much!"

"Oh, Ike, that reminds me. We're going back to the old fort tonight," Titania said.

"Except me," Soren said. "Castle life suits me just fine. They got big poofy beds, Ike!"

"I don't like poofy beds," Rolf whined.

Titania nodded. "Right. So, um, you'll come see us when you get back, right?" she asked coyly.

"Copy that, cupcake."

And with that, Ike left, passing by Ilyana, whom he totally didn't notice again. Score.

"Maybe I should remove Shade before I go to get food…"

-

Ike left the castle and spent most of the day walking around the city in his disguise (complete with the awesome handlebar mustache and pimp cane), looking at stuff. At Ye Olde Crimea Theatre, the traveling Crimean Orchestra was playing Crimea, O Crimea, so Ike sat in the back row and pretended to like it for about an hour before realizing he was doing a bad job of not hating it. He left.

He knew a shortcut that took him through a quiet dark alley, so he decided to take it. He was halfway through when he blacked out.

When he woke up the next morning, he was sitting in a tub of ice and his side hurt. He shrugged and went back to sleep. He did, after all, need his man-sleep.

Sometime that evening, Ike got a call on his cell.

"Talk to the Ike…oh, hey Soren! Where you at? Ha ha! What? Oh…sorry, sorry, I just saw that line on a banner in the market and I figured…yeah, I know it's overdone. So what you want? Uh, no, I didn't…no, no, that wasn't me…yeah, I know it smelled like sh—hey, why you blaming me? No, it wasn't! Oh, you are one dead son of a—what did you say? I'm a WHAT!?! Look, I can't talk now, I'm tied up right now. All right. Lates."

Ike shifted uncomfortably. It was hard to use a cell phone with both hands tied, but somehow Ike managed. He was allowed one phone call and somehow he managed to blow it when Soren called him to complain about the state of Castle Crimea's easternmost third floor bathroom.

The fact that Ike neither knew what a cell phone is nor knew how to use one was unimportant. More importantly, he had wasted his call. And now he was royally screwed.

Elincia suddenly touched him in a very inappropriate place; Ike really didn't like it when people patted his head, but Elincia did it anyway. Big meanie.

Ike had been bound to a big oaken chair, his legs tied to the chair's legs, his hands wrapped up together, and he had been wrapped up around the waist by a lot of rope. He still didn't know exactly how he had gotten there, why he had slept in a tub of ice, or why his side hurt so much, but Elincia had given him a steak, so he was happy. Mmm, steak.

"I'm glad I got you to come over," Elincia said, circling Ike's chair. She giggled. "We're going to have a lot of fun together."

"Elincia, are you mad at me?" Ike asked. "I know it's not easy being the queen."

"No, it's good to be the queen."

"You seem mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you, Ike?" Elincia said. "I want you near me. I can't stand when you're away from me."

"Was it absolutely necessary to tie me up?"

"Yes."

"Well, all right," Ike said. "If you insist. But under protest."

"You won't have to mess around with that wet tramp if you know what a real woman is like, right?" Elincia giggled again. "That little 'river' bitch…she did something very bad!"

"All I did was swim around!" Ike pleaded, his wrists aching. Elincia was starting to scare him. Being tied up for a day was cool and all, but he was starting to seriously consider the fact that Elincia might be legitimately deranged. "It was a, uh, hot day and I wanted to cool off, so I just went swimming, that's all!"

"Tell me the truth or not, Ike," Elincia said sternly, standing in front of Ike and looking at him with a look that could kill any housefly. "Actually, tell me the truth. Or I'll kill you. You were inside her, weren't you?"

"Well, yes, but—!"

"And you took all your clothes off, right?"

"Yeah, but—"

"And—and you made her splash, didn't you!"

"What?"

"I KNEW IT!" Elincia shrieked. "Multiple splashes?!? Ike, you cheap bastard! Look, just because I have trouble splashing on a nightly bas—er, I mean, wait—never mind. I'm going to prove to the whole world that the most wonderful thing about Elincias is that I'm the only one!"

"What are you doing, Elincia?" Ike said as she sat on his lap.

"I'm going to give you a piece of my…" Elincia grinned and shifted very decisively. Since she was sitting on Ike's lap at the time, it caused him no small bit of discomfort. Wait, was it discomfort? Or something else? Something different, less bad? "…mind."

Ike gulped. He had been right about the queen and her intentions. He was about to be 'royally screwed.'

-

MEANWHILE!

Many hours earlier…

Back in the old, dilapidated fort of the Greil Mercenaries, Shinon and friends were sitting around the breakfast table and enjoying a meal that would make the King of Enga-land kick his own ass out of envy. The Greil Mercenaries ate so well…

HOW WELL DID THEY EAT?!?

The Greil Mercenaries ate so well that in the nighttime they had to take a "blank".

(Audience laughs)

"Commander Titania," Gatrie said, insane from having eaten a bowl of Crazy Puffs. "Why do we have a studio audience watching us eat breakfast?"

Titania scowled. "Because someone out there likes to make completely random, off-the-cuff Match Game jokes."

Suddenly, Titania fell over, stricken with a sudden 24-hour illness that nonetheless had her feeling really terrible. After the Greil Mercenaries had carried her to her room and made her a very-overrated, annoyingly-sophisticated bowl of duck soup, they returned to eating.

Now, despite the fact that it was morning and he had just woked up, Shinon had somehow already managed to F--- himself up something serious. By Gatrie's last count, Shinon had chugged three cans of Buddy Holly Light, three flasks of Begnion Ruby, an airplane-size bottle of Jimmie Perambulator, and a shot of Enrico Banderas for good measure.

Shinon said something that made everyone at the table blush.

"Oh my…that is quite…interesting," Oscar said, covering Rolf's ears.

(Author's Note: HAY everybody lols you leik the story!? Thanx 4 reading the story I worked hard on it just so you no i don't like sware words so instead everything Shinion says wi;; be in 'bunny language" thanx. Heehee gess what happens next!!1 NO FLAMESES!!)

"Fuzzy bunnies in a garden of beautiful, you candy canes." Shinon said, laughing.

"I hate to say anything bad about you, my friend, because I know you have the power to make my existence terrible, but you are starting to cross the line between cuteness and utter vulgarity," Gatrie said.

"You sugar rainbows," Shinon said. He took a cold shot of Stolnmicaiah, the Crimean vodka that goes down easy, comrade.

Rhys gasped. "Please don't say such things, Shinon! To call us all…that…I'm not even sure what that means, exactly."

"Ooh, I know what it means!" Rolf said, raising his hand excitedly. "It's a slang term for a girl's v—"

Oscar smothered his little brother and laughed nervously. "Bad influences, y'know? Now, Rolf. You have to tell me. Where did you hear that word?"

"I'll give you two guesses, and the first two don't count," Rhys said.

"Oh, let him say whatever he wants," Boyd said. "He wasn't expecting a sort of Begnion Inquisition!"

Silence.

"I said, he wasn't expecting a sort of Begnion Inquisition."

The mercenaries waited on bated breaths for about a minute, and nothing of note happened.

Boyd angrily gnashed at his egg-on-toast. "Try to be funny and see where it gets you."

"Flowers, roses, tulips and daisies," Shinon said, laughing uproariously. He somehow managed to also throw down a shot of Kiprusoff Ice. "If you pixie dust so much like whiskers on kittens, and you pixie dust so much like warm woolen mittens, maybe you should go brown paper packages tied up with string yourselves."

"Now that's just plain crass," Boyd said.

(Author's Note: lol bunny talk is getting annoying isn't it srry! XD;; lolz. Shannons talk is bak 2 normal nao k? laters!)

"You gottta prr-blem with me saying what I'm saying?" Shinon took another swig of liquid breakfast. "You gotta problem wif my face?!?"

"I think he's just trying to say," Rhys said, "that maybe you should—"

"YOU GOT SOMEFIN TO SAY T'ME, PRIESTY BOY?"

Rhys stuttered. "N-no, I was just—"

"I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU LIKE SO MUCH CREAMED CORN! AND CREAM YOU LIKE TEN POUNDS OF COUNTRY COTTAGE CHEESE!"

"Eek, help, somebody, save me!" Rhys said, hiding under the table. "Secret secret, I've got a secret," he whispered from under the table.

Titania stumbled into the room, pale as a pale moon, her eyes bloodshot and ringed by shadow. "Did someone just make a Styx reference?"

"Yes," Oscar said calmly.

"Again?"

"Again."

Rhys whimpered from under the table.

"You feeling better, Titania?" Rolf asked.

"I want to eat someone's soul," she said.

"So is that a yes?"

Titania sat down and resumed eating.

"Heey Titania," Shinon said, hiccupping into his warm mug of Northern Discomfort. "Betcha sinking about widdle Ikey, ainsn't cha?"

Titania blushed. "I—I most certainly am not!"

Shinon was about to say something else, undoubtedly something rude and/or obscene, when the door of the dining room burst open and in burst the coolest cat he ever did see. The Greil Mercenaries all turned their head to see the visitor.

He was tall, with a fine beard, and looked suspiciously like a famous ass-kicking, roundhousing hero that had been so popular for a few years. In one hand he held a small axe, and in the other he held a golden goblet inlaid with jewels. He wore a cool pair of sunglasses. When he strode into the room—very stylishly—he busted a few moves and did the two-step. Everyone's jaw dropped.

"Move, bitch," he said as he walked into the room and sat at the one empty chair, not coincidentally the seat right in front of Rhys, who continued to cower and whimper under the table. "Get out the way, get out the way, ho, get out the way."

"This is ludicrous," Oscar said. Everyone else stayed silent.

Finally, someone asked.

"Who the hell are you?" Gatrie asked, still stuffing his face, now with Freaky Frosty Flaky Flakes.

"Who am I (What's my name?)" said the man, leaning back. "It's Nolan, all the way from the windowz to the wall. And when I hit the floor (I hit the floor!) I get low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low...ho."

"What a pain," Oscar said, shaking his head.

"That's a particularly bad one," Gatrie said. He too shook his head, chortling with a mouth half full of cereal. "But this guy is a pain in the butt. T."

"I can't deny it," Nolan said, shruggin'. "I'm a gaw-dam ridah! You don't want to mess with me."

Oscar rolled his eyes. "Oh, that's absolutely fabulous."

"Now that one I take issue to. That's not fabulous. Totally unoriginal hook. No ambitions as a rider whatsoever." Gatrie sighed, disgusted.

"Is there any particular reason you're here?" Titania said with a scowl.

"Yeah! Get crunk! Ain't I the coolest?" Nolan said. "I'm chillin'!" He stood up and started getting his groove on. "I got my drink AND my two-step! It's on, it's on! And I'm gone!" He proceeded to two-step for everyone to see and was about to shuffle out when Shinon stood up.

"Hey, where you goin', you shtupid son of a shit?" Shinon said, drinking from a bottle of Stéward (get the Stéward and tell him that it's on.)

Nolan stopped. He finished the drink in his goblet and stopped getting his boogie down. He removed his sunglasses.

"Is there something you want to say to me?"

"Yeah! I don't like your facshe! It'sh ugly!"

Rolf whimpered.

Nolan wrinkled his brow. "Is there anything particularly bothersome to you about it?"

"Uh…" Shinon stopped to think, and seemed to come up empty. "It'sh ugly."

"The great philosopher Baron Milke de Cartons once said, 'Answering an answer with an answer is the resort of fools and drunkards."

"Hey! I'm not drank!" Shinon said, swigging some Green Duck from the bottle.

"'The man who says he is lost will often find a way. The man who insists he be found is often lost,' " Nolan said, reciting his platitudes with a shit-eating grin.

"What the fronk ish that shpose mean?" Shinon said.

"It means that, unfortunately, you have lost the ability to be smart."

"Who you callin' shmart, Roxanne?"

"I don't have to turn on the red light. You, on the other hand, are like a Crimean brothel on Halloween: the lights are on, but nobody's home."

Shinon grabbed his stomach. "Oooooohhh shaaaaant I'm goin' hurl my cookilies!"

And thus he did indeed hurl and promptly fell unconscious.

"Oh snap," Nolan said. "I hadn't even gotten started yet! Good thing I still have my drink n' my two-step."

"My drink n' my two-step!"

Titania sighed. "Oh shut up, Gatrie."

-

MEANWHILE…

When Ike came to his sense, Elincia had gone to take a shower.

What the heck happened to me? There are so many blank spots.

He couldn't be sure, but he would have sworn that Elincia did something unspeakable to him. And it actually felt pretty good.

Well, then why am I tied up? This is very strange.

Ike's cell phone rang, and he picked it up.

"Yo yo yo," Ike said. "Holla at your boy. Oh…oh! It's you!" Ike blushed. "What's going on? No, no, I can't right now. What? Another woman? N-no, no, nothing like that! Sorry, it's just—the boss wants me to work late, and—what's that? Oh, shit, you're right, I don't work. Um—no, no, baby, I promise, I wasn't with another woman! When I get home, I'll go swimming in you, I promise. Hee hee…yeah, you know you want it. Right, see ya later, baby."

As soon as he hung up, Ike's cell rang again.

"Ike's my name, don't wear it out. 'sup? Oh, hi, Marcia! Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. HAHAHA! Wow, I crack me up. Anyway, holla at me. Huh? Repay me? Oh, from saving you from those pirates? Nah, don't worry about it, that was a long time ago. You don't need to repay me. You want to? Uh, tonight? Um…wow, actually, that sounds pretty enticing…you'll let me do what? And that's…wow. You really are thankful, aren't you? You want me to guess what you are…what? Um, I don't know, I can't see you through the phone, so I wouldn't know…um, okay, I'm going to take a wild guess…your pegasus knight's uniform? No? Well, then what?

"Wow. That sounds…pretty hot. Oh my. Strawberry-flavored?!? I didn't even know they made those! What's that?…You have a steak-flavored pair, too?!?!?! Oh my goddess!!! Uh, I'll, um…see if I can get free tonight, then. Hm? …oh, I'm sure you are, but I think you could keep yourself entertained while you wait. I'm a little bit tied up right now, but a little later…I gave you an idea? What do you need rope for? Why would I want to tie you up? A rope made out of beef jerky? Uh huh…uh huh…um…where do you find what? Why do you need one of those? …WHOA! Seriously?!? I don't think anyone's offered t-to do that for me bef—okay, look, I'll see you tonight, okay, Marcia? You want me to what? …Uh, well…I don't like to use such strong language, but yeah, I will do…that...to you. Yeah. I will...that you senseless. Until your ponytail comes off. Yes, all night long. All night. All night. All night long. We will party. Yeah, I like that song, too. Okay. See ya then."

Ike then hung up the phone.

His mind was thoroughly blown.

He sat in his chair,

took a deep breath of air,

and waited for pleasures unknown.

Limericks aside, Ike now realized it was time to escape. He effortlessly broke his ties using brute strength and was about to leave when Elincia came from upstairs down to the basement and stood in his way.

"W-what? Ike? How did you escape?"

"I sat up."

"And how did you do that?"

"I dunno."

"You can't!" Elincia said, sneering. "This is my palace of sin. I am the queen here! You will submit to the power of my sin!"

"Elincia, where are we?"

"My palace of sin, musclehead!"

"Hey, I'm not a musclehead. Plus, this is a basement! See, there are water pipes, and a power breaker, and that weird foam insulation stuff, and ooh a nacho on the ground, and a wine rack, and—hey, isn't this the basement in Castle Crimea?"

Suddenly Ike got a phone call. Elincia gasped and bared her fangs.

"Hello?" Ike said.

"Why hello, big boy."

The voice on the other end of the line was so loud that even Elincia could hear. It was a sultry, slutry, feminine voice.

"Who is this?" Ike insisted.

"Have you ever heard of the 'Red Lady Bridge'?" the woman on the phone asked.

"Um, yes," Ike said.

"This is she. I've been watching you for a while, and noticed you have a lot of pretty little things vying for your affection. But I've decided to take you for my own."

"You can't!" Elincia shrieked.

"Oh, but I will," the bridge on the phone said, so confidently that Ike shuddered. "When there's something I want, I get it. Without fail. They always say the women in red are the most dangerous, don't they, handsome?"

Suddenly, the chair that Ike had previously been tied up in exploded and burst into flames. He and Elincia could hear as the phone, now lying on the ground, laughed. Well, the phone itself didn't laugh, but you know what I mean.

"W-what the hell do you want?" Ike yelled.

There was a dramatic pause before the bridge spoke.

"Why, all I want is…your love."