I'm okay
Disclaimer:
J.A.G. and its characters don't belong to me but to DPB. The lyrics of the song 'I'm ok' belong to Christina Aguilera.
A/N:
In English at school we're just talking about songs. When our teacher gave us the lyrics to 'I'm ok' it immediately remembered me of Mac and her past. So I wrote this fic.
Mac awoke with a start. She looked around, for an instant not knowing where she was or what had happened. Slowly, the memories came back to her. It had again been one of those dreams, those dreams about her past. It was always the same. Every few weeks she woke up in the middle of the night to find herself confused and terrible frightened. Sometimes she was actually crying by the time she was finally brought out of her memory.
Sighing, Mac tried to go back to sleep, but her dream kept on haunting her.
'This is ridiculous,' she thought. 'I'm a tough-as-nails Marine, nothing should be scaring me like this. Now I'm going to sleep and if anybody dares to disturb me…'
She let herself drop down onto the mattress only to sit up just seconds later. A frustrated groan escaped her mouth, the pictures of her dream didn't go away, no matter how hard she tried. Mac closed her eyes and let her mind go back to the time when all that stuff had happened…
"She heard the door slamming, then her father's angry scream. The little girl saw how her mother was shoved into the kitchen and how she was hit by her father's fist. Sarah closed her eyes as tightly as she could, trying to shut out everything happening in front of her…"
Once upon a time there was a girl
In her early years she had to learn
How to grow up living in a war that she called home
Never know just where to turn for shelter from the storm
Hurt me to see the pain across my mother's face
Every time my father's fist would put her in her place
Hearing all the yelling, I would cry up in my room
Hoping it would be over soon
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
I still remember how you kept me so afraid
The strength is my mother, for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake, I look back at yesterday
And I'm Ok
I often wonder why I've carried all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echoes of a broken child screaming please no more
Daddy don't you understand the damage you have done?
For you it's just a memory but for me it still lives on
Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so, so afraid
The strength is my mother, for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake, I look back at yesterday
It's not so easy to forget
All the marks you left along her neck
When I was thrown against cold stairs
And everyday I'm afraid to come home in fear of what I might
see there
Bruises fade father but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
The strength is my mother for all the love you gave
Every morning that I wake, I look back at yesterday
And I'm ok…
When Mac finally managed to get 'out' of her memory she was crying. She still didn't know how someone could be as cruel as her father had been sometimes. She only knew one thing: She would never be able to forget what he did.
Hours later as the dawn was already breaking Mac finally fell asleep. Her eyes were puffy from crying and she had a terrible headache. The next morning she would get up, take a quick shower and drive to the headquarters. There she would have an ordinary day, no one would suspect anything. But deep inside of her, the know grown-up Sarah would still be afraid – memories don't just go away…