The Night of the Craven
Once, upon a midnight dreary, as I pondered, peaked and teary
Over many a foiled blueprint of my genius plans of yore,
While I cursed, fingers snapping, suddenly there came a tapping
As of some fool rudely rapping, rapping at my hideout door.
"Blasted henchmen!"I cried, wishing I'd killed all the dolts before,
This annoyance and nothing more.
Oh, how sadly I remember my defeat from last September,
And each separate plot ruined, like ashes scattered on the floor.
And the engine of my regret – no, not dear, dear Antoinette!
Nor yet my faithful Voltaire, despite his too-loud snore.
Bah – this hatred in my breast could burn only for James West!
Only he and no one more!
How I'd even up our score!
My vengeance left unquenched, in tears of fury was I drenched –
Because of him and his partner Gordon, that inconsequential bore! –
So that now my stomach ached with thirst for victory unslaked
Yet the infuriating tapping, tapping continued at my door.
My concentration it was sapping, while I needed silence more!
Only that and nothing more!
Presently the sound grew louder, as if some ham-fisted chowder-
Headed dunce knew nothing better than to bring my anger to the fore.
Did they think I'd been caught napping, this party doing all the tapping?
If so, their hollow noggins I'd be slapping
As I went to open that accursed noisy door,
Bothering me like never before!
Such loud noises I abhor!
Deep into the darkness glancing for the human boil I'd be lancing,
I was met by nothing – nothing! A sight I could not ignore!
How dare fate give me nothing! Did it think that I was bluffing,
When I pulled my latest weapon out of my workdesk drawer?
I didn't mean just ill; if gaze alone could not then kill,
I'd a surprise planned for my visitor that would shake him to the core!
Yes – that and so much more!
But no – for I heard a flapping and I saw the guano'd crapping
Of the pet there was no trapping, and I gave a startled roar.
"Mischievous bird!" I yelled to that rook as into my chamber it took.
"Did you have to soil my threshold with your last meal's guts and gore?"
It felt perhaps absurd, but I would not be given the bird!
Quothed my raven, "Nevermore!"
Only that, and nothing more.
I smiled. "That's much better. Now obey me to the letter.
For am I not the master whose brilliant wit you so adore?
I've kept it close to my vest, but I've a plan for that darned West!
As you'll agree, he can't escape when he finds out what's in store!
His every dream, it will be crumbled! I can't wait to see him humbled
When I crush him just like all the dreams of mine that meddler tore!
Ooh, that man makes me so sore!"
"But this time I'll not be mad or sad, this time I'll only be quite glad!
And Gordon at my mercy too, and sweating from ev'ry pore!
How I'll make those two regret the day that West and I first met, I say!
They'll tremble at my feet upon humiliation's shore!"
Then without further ado, the raven to the marble bust flew
Of myself that I keep in the best of taste beside my chamber door.
Quothed my raven, "Nevermore!"
"Foul bird, why do you doubt it? Do I really have to shout it?
This plan is perfect and can't fail, unlike those other ones before!
I need just another week and then I'll really make them shriek!"
With West and Gordon down the drain, my fortunes I'd soon restore!
But before my spirit could sing, I thought I heard a ring
At the portal farther below. Then two rings, three, and then it came to four.
How these intrusions on my peace upon my gentle temper wore!
Balm in Gilead, not Baltimore!
Then a servant up came running – more disruption to my cunning!
How I'd like to throw these noisemakers to some mad minotaur!
But this lackey arrived frantic, I could see this was no antic,
As he carried that dreaded warning up to my corridor.
"Boss!" His urgency impressed. "It's him! It's that guy, West!"
"What?" I screamed. Was this some cruel fate affecting me wherefore
I'd be doomed like the villains of folklore?
Just when triumph and success I'd swore?
But how, how could it be, that I'd be forced to flee?
How had he found me here? That wretched Secret Service corps!
From them was there no hiding, no concealment truly abiding?
Was I like a trapped bull at the mercy of matador?
I then felt so unsteady, so unfinished - I wasn't ready!
I'd be conquered more than conqueror like my ancestral Conquistador!
"Curse you, West!" I cried. "Curse you, forevermore!
And curse this day you darkened my door!"
Now to my bird I turned. A valuable lesson I had learned
Is that one must escape, to avoid complications galore.
Biting a bitter lip, I'd give West and Gordon the slip,
My hopes they'd dashed again, but I'd have a vengeful encore!
"To me, Raven!" I called louder, swallowing the very last powder
And calling on the faithful pet with whom I had such rapport.
My freedom on the brink, I forced myself to shrink,
With just one bit of antidote left to drink, I must from this place soar,
And leave my henchmen to the uproar.
Into the night we flew, our very little party of two,
As the raven flapped out the window, flapped past the sycamore.
When I reached another town, I must learn how West tracked me down!
I'd been certain I'd found the perfect manse just outside Baltimore.
But my safehouse clearly was not, and so much for my plot!
I felt like someone hit by destiny's sharp swung two-by-four.
Or perhaps it had been Gordon who'd set up some secret cordon.
I'd underestimated that nuisance maybe once or twice before,
Though having to admit it chilled me like the frosts of hoar!
They'd both earned my rancor!
Only that and nothing more!
[-]
"Jim, I still can't believe we're doing this," Artemus Gordon muttered from behind his hand, hoping the children wouldn't hear.
"Aw, c'mon, Arte," his partner grinned. "You know as well as I do that guarding the loved ones of an important head of state is sometimes a Secret Service agent's most crucial job." He pressed the button on the door that had been set to ring a call bell. Five rings and still no action. "I should think you'd enjoy the change of pace, not having to be the one wearing a disguise."
Arte grimaced.
"I could design a lot better costumes than that, though! And I'm going to wish I had a disguise on if any of the other Secret Service agents see us!"
Jim shook his head, but still was amused. Personally, he thought the little tykes looked cute in their ballerina and cowboy and clown outfits. Maybe that last one was the reason for his partner's sour mood though. He hadn't done so well the last time he'd tried to get away with a clown costume!
"Hey, kids," he told their assembled charges. "We'd better move on to another house. Looks like this one isn't giving out any candy."
"Aaaawwwwww!" the cowboy complained.
West didn't blame him. A mansion this size, the owner ought to be wealthy enough to be handing out the good stuff! And there were lights on, but no jack o'lantern, no one answering the door. Too bad.
"We'll get you plenty of candy somewhere else," Arte said, shepherding them back to the sidewalk and toward another large house.
Jim gave the silent mansion one last, backward glance as he and his partner continued the night's bon bon quest. It was a shame they'd struck out, but the Hallowe'en tradition was still catching on, after all. Besides, some people just had no sense of humor!