Stars
A/N:This is set around season 4, perhaps a little later. J/C implied.
Sometimes the universe is too vast to bear on the shoulders of a lonely lost soul.
"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night" - The Old Astronomer, S. Williams
The absence of anything was exhilarating and terrifying. Pure emptiness, the only medium present was the very lack of one. It was a strange thought that there was nothing to emit the blackness surrounding them, that what they saw was merely nothing. An everlasting space. Filled with billions and billions of twinkling little lights, finding their way through the stark vacuity, pushing through the sable shadows of the unknown like a candle in a cave. Something to be guided by.
She had always thought that the reason she was so captivated by stars was the fact that they were the only things in the universe. Them and their inhabitants; small, insignificant beings with the same essential questions. She knew that she was one of those anomalies, a product of the impossible nothingness with the same trembling question on her lips; a gasping, ragged breath that needed to be taken, but was still held tightly on to. But to allow herself to ask that question, just like everyone else was pointless. Instead, she went in search of the answer. Subconsciously, but oh, she knew that it was there. That tiny presence in her mind, never quite leaving. The tiny voice guiding her through that emptiness in search of that light at the end of the cave, or was it the opening? She knew that it was pointless wondering whether she would find out, so she merely accepted that the terrifying leap into darkness was leading her one step closer, even if it were one step too far.
"I was terrified of flying". a simple truth. A hint of an embarrassed smile pulling at the corner of her lips as she looked down at her hands. "There was something about the way you could move, well, float-weightless, almost like you weren't moving at all, and the rest was moving around you. That nothing was holding you up, that you should be falling, but you're not". she didn't know what to feel towards her confession. It had fueled her own curiosity at her irrational fear, especially considering where they were now. But she felt almost...good. Finally showing someone a hidden portion of her soul.
"A lot of people are frightened of flying." he replied simply, giving his own lack of portrayal of emotions. They were both so closed at times that it was impossible to read each other, even if the other were letting their guard down. For her, it was a rare occasion, something which he had come to accept.
"It's what gave me the inspiration to join the Academy. Well, other than the obvious." she gave a smirk, to which he replied with an inquisitive, contemplating smile. She took his silence for mockery, to which she decided to push aside for a moment.
"What made you unafraid?" he asked, delving a little deeper, daring to cross another of her boundaries, maybe climb over another wall in search for a little more. More of what, he didn't know. Perhaps more of her heart, her soul, what made her happy, what made her sad; what made her her.
"Well...I suppose it was the fear itself. I decided not to be afraid, when that fear was preventing me from being amongst the stars." she was very quiet. In all honesty, she didn't really know herself. It had evolved out of nothing-the fear itself, and like it had appeared, it disappeared just as mysteriously. She had enveloped her fear, and then let go. Simple, supposedly easy.
"I can't imagine you not being amongst your stars." she felt the pressure of his gaze as she stared at her hand, her heart clenching at his use of personal pronoun. For so, so long she had managed to grow accustomed to the rise in her pulse, the clenching of her heart when he said something simple, and so brutally honest, or even when he spoke at all. It was something about his timbre, like a warm enveloping embrace or a sip of dark coffee. Over time, she had merely cast the sensation aside in the corner of her mind, only to be reexamined later, when she was lying in bed staring at the ceiling, feeling the weight of the universe press against her as she fought to let the pain subside, if only briefly. But the warmth and almost unnerving sense of safety she received from his gaze had been growing ever so slowly, and though she knew it was merely their companionship- their friendship deepening, she realised that the yearn to let herself be at peace, and knowing she could possibly be happy terrified her, and merely proved to herself that that was not a luxury she could be graced with.
"They're all of ours, now. I think they've belonged to us for a long time." the cup in her hands was growing cold as she drew the liquid to her lips as a silence cast a veil between them, around them, enclosing them. In turn, he took a sip from his own cup, breathing out slowly. Somehow they had gravitated from opposite ends of the couch to almost brushing against each other. Feet had been curled under, or placed atop the coffee table. In a way, they both knew that the other needed the company as much as they needed theirs, so both had switched off the commbadges surreptitiously, hoping that time would cease to exist in their encapsulated sanctum.
A sigh escaped her lips as she put the cup down on the table, leaning back ever so carefully and finding her gaze being drawn to the ceiling again. The familiar starkness settled neatly into her vision as she once again found her thoughts trailing back to the gentle breaths beside her; the ritual of looking at the ceiling and thinking of him. Always him. Only a little time ago, she had ceased to let the guilt overcome her as her thoughts trailed further away from the other Him. She had accepted the fact that as far as she was concerned, the visceral portion of her heart and soul had been in a feeble battle against itself for too long. Trying to repair the damage had been futile, so she merely clung to the prospect of the loving arms of returning home to him. Of course, every hope and every grasp on to the last thing that was keeping her sane had been shattered, heart torn asunder with a single letter.
So where was she now? So many times she had asked that question-literal and figurative. Years of holding on, clinging to false hope had dreams. She hadn't expected reality to be so brutal, so cruel, and yet so satisfyingly tragic. In a way, she had accepted that she had deserved it. It was her own blindness that had destroyed the only means of returning home, which had in turn ruined so many peoples lives. Perhaps this was merely her punishment-having her own hope severed as other s regained theirs. It was fair. It was just. And it was the finality of realisation, of knowing that she had been alone for a long time now. Her and her stars. Travelling endlessly, hopelessly.
She wanted to interlace her fingers with his. She wanted to place her cheek on his chest, feel his safe embrace around her. She wanted know that she wasn't alone. It was almost unbearable, the sudden wave of realisation and sadness that hit her as she let her eyes squeeze shut. Feeling the pressure of salty water against her eyelids, threatening to erupt. She pressed her lips tightly together, focusing on steady inhaling and exhaling, ignoring the trembling of her lips. She wanted to press her face into his shoulder and let the tears fall, and she wanted to feel safe. Instead, with all her courage and might, she allowed her head to lean lightly onto his shoulder, still tightly closing her eyes and now holding her breath. Even a touch was enough, enough to make things a little better.
Somehow, the arm had managed to encircle her shoulders and pull her into his side. Right hand rubbing circles on her arm as the left had grasped her hand in his. The breath she had been holding failed her, and the tears began to fall silently as the waves crashed around her. But she knew that in his arms, with his head leaning on hers and her face pressed against him, breathing in his scent, that they were going to be alright. A luxury she couldn t have, but pretended to anyway.
The emptiness that had found itself nestled neatly into her heart began to fill, and as they breathed, holding each other for dear life, she allowed herself to imagine that they were in fact moving towards the opening of a cave, instead of a dying beacon of light. Hopefully, fearfully and undoubtedly, something better.
A/N: Feedback is much appreciated.