You Was Always There Chapter 1

Crying by day. Crying by night. I couldn't help but cry myself to sleep every time I got the chance.

It never came to me that crying was a weakness, even though at first I believed it was. But I began to realize it was something. It's a strength.

Whenever I closed my eyes, I see some of the horrible things that I never thought of seeing in the first place. I was afraid of falling asleep because all I ever had was nightmares.

I couldn't get to sleep until the very next morning and I would be so tired from the day before that my body couldn't produce the energy it should have at all times.

When I thought about what I did, my regrets, my mistakes, heh, even my terrible past, I always got something that left me feeling helpless, miserable, depressed, angry, moody, weak, and empty.

I have never felt so empty in my life before, but now I know that I'm this way because of myself. I did things without thinking or coming to conclusions before I did anything and what I have left is... nothing.

I have nothing. I won't have anything. I am nothing. I was never a someone from the beginnning and yet, I had some acknowledgement from those who I left behind, leaving them to suffer and bear, unbearable pain.

I was blind. I turned my back on those who I started to care about. Who were my friends. And even, my second family.

This pain. This, excruciating pain that I'm feeling. No, that I had felt for a very long time now won't go away.

It seems so hopeless to try and get rid of it but it won't disappear from me. It's like it became a part of me and that one part that's destroying me, won't die.

I'm like a puppet. I have no emotions. I show no signs of them and I can't feel no longer. It's like I'm dead, except I'm still walking in a body that still suffers and has no use anymore. I have became a very selfish, arrogant, stubborn, dense, hateful, cold, spiteful bastard.

No one should forgive me for what I did. No one should speak to me after I betrayed them. I guess this is to be expected from everyone when I get back. Everyone won't have a warm welcoming for me, they will ignore me, hate me, distrust me, glare at me, even spit at me.

With every heart beat that pumps every few seconds here and there, makes me want to slit my throat and end my very life.

It makes me want to throw up and be crushed on the inside. It makes me want to stab myself from the back of my head.

It makes me want to be very suicidal. It makes me want to cut myself to pieces. A slightly small piece of my old self says to just live life and don't worry about anything that happens. Tch, like I can do that so easily. Easier said than done.

Thoughts that fly in my head are nothing to me. All I keep seeing is blood, lots and lots of blood being in all sorts of places, from a door, to on top of a table, to even the smallest crack in a wall.

I saw my own self in my mind, and I saw those who I didn't even bother to remember their faces let alone their names.

I heard cracks coming from deep within me and I wanted to figure out where that sound was coming from. Little did I know that my heart was ripping in every bloody, twisted, breakable, crushing way it could. Destroying me even more was not just my heart, my soul turned bleak, and I no longer felt alive.

Shadow onyx-black eyes looked backed at me. They held no warmth in them. No happiness or joy was found deep within these horrible eyes I possessed.

There was no emotion in them. They lost the little shine I had in them. My eyes were very dull. No life in them what so ever. They held no compassion in them. They no longer held that unique glossy look in them. These eyes. Eyes that belonged to a demon.

Pale. Paler than the color white itself. I looked like a ghost, no a broken souless puppet if you asked me. It looked like I was a very sick person but I wasn't sick at all. Not in the very least to mention. I just noticed how pale I really am.

Midnight-blue-spiked hair. This hair no longer stood short but it grew. The hair was 3-inches past shoulder length. The bangs had grown to upper-chest length.

I looked at myself like I was seeing some stranger on the other end, and it somewhat scared me to look at who I became. A nobody. A person nobody wants or needs. A person who deserves no one but themselves and shouldn't grow fond of a someone. A person who dies, lives, and stands alone.

Souless. Wounded. Weakened. Dead. Helpless. Useless. Broken. Sorrow. Regret. Pain. Anger. Hatred. Darkness. Cracked. A puppet. I'm nothing more than a used tool. I've been used over and over again that I can no longer be used one more.

There's not a chance I have. It's already over. It's been ended since I was first used. I'm a wandering soul with one purpose in my mind. To find my dried-blooded, cracked, crushed heart of mines once again. That is, if I can ever find it.

Rough, cold, hardened hands. I can't even feel my pulse from my right slim yet somewhat muscular arm with my left index and middle slender fingers. I placed my right hand over my heart and felt small beats, each beating at the same time, like as though they were dancing in unsion.

Strong, lean, somewhat muscular legs stood before me.. My toes were frozen, like as though I just came out of a freezer. My feet didn't even bother moving. It was like I was numbed.

I didn't have time to stay here. I knew I had to make depature soon. Well, sooner than expected. No one was to be found with me. No annoying woman, No sharp-toothed man, and no freak with me. No cat, no dog. Not even a messenger bird. Nothing except me, and my Kusanagi sword.

4:40 in the morning. Sunrise was coming. I suddenly woken up from the same nightmare I kept having for a while now.

I jolted up, sweat completely covering, rolling, and consuming my body whole. Panting breathing was heard from me, it only quickened when I saw those horrible images running through, which should be, my clouded, empty mind of mines. Shivers and chills went down my bone-backed spine. A bit of shaking was seen on my body.

I sat up, stayed in the position I was in for a few minutes, then slowly, with a bit of wobbling here and there, I got up and walked to the large lake that was only a few inches away from me.

I dragged my sore feet towards the azure-blue, crystal-clear, fresh, cold, thick-layered sheet of water of a lake and stopped when I came to the very dead end, on top of a small diamond-shaped rock-like hill.

My eyes burned into the water's reflection and I found myself staring at the demon before me. Suddenly, crimson-red eyes shot back at me. It wasn't the original eyes I was used to seeing, instead those were the eyes I didn't want to see not ever again. 3-tomoe-fang-shaped out into my eyes yet the 3 formed into one full thin-thick line. Slits. I hated those eyes. Those eyes belonged to the one who I killed before my older brother.

"Damn him..." My voice. It was nothing but harshed, cursed, tained, dark, cold and emotionless as ever. That voice had echoed in my head. I couldn't stop the voice that kept haunting me. It just kept getting louder and louder until I grasped my head, covering my ears and shut my eyes completely.

I fell forward, not caring if water filled my lungs, or if I stopped breathing, or if I drowned to death. Wind was not felt against my ghostly-pale dried skin.

A circle-burning sun was not yet to be found in the darkened skies. Time seemed still. Not moving an inch. It was like this was my fate of time in which I finally die or something. The world stopped spinning. I felt like I was floating, except going down, leaning more forward, until finally I hit something.

A small yet somewhat large puddle water wave, shot up from the calm, opened-spaced, relaxed lake. I had fell in.

I slowly opened my eyes and I turned around to look at how deep I was in the water, only to find out I was drowning slowly and this didn't surprised me but I wanted my death to be a bit more quicker. Once again, my eyes clamped shut, and once again I didn't care if I died here. Heh, drowning would do me a big favor.

Thump thump... thump thump... thump thump.. thump thump... a heartbeat? I shouldn't be hearing that sound. I thought I had no heart but still... that one noise that said it all. It kept beating and even though it was faint, I could already tell I was going to die.

Hn, I should be dead already. I have no purpose of living but something... something keeps telling me this isn't the end. But then... what's my purpose of living...?

An image. It's the same image I can't get rid of. It keeps haungting me for the past 5 years. I'm 18 now. That's how long I've stayed away from Konoha. But it didn't matter to me if I came back or not. No wait. It did matter if I came back. It's because of this image that keeps coming back.

Somehow...that something that keeps telling me this isn't the end, well it was right. I can't end my life, yet, it could be taken away from me so easily, I decided to live. This image had a face. It was the face of a young girl, who, I knew for a long time.

Those crimson-red eyes of hers... It haunts me so... they're so beautiful... so shining... so full of life... unlike mines, which were very dull.

Suddenly, shadowy-onyx eyes shot open, and instantly, a meduim-water wave flew upwards causing ripples in the lake itself making it no longer calm and still... My dark figure stood above on the rock I fell off of, and I stood there, motionless, not moving an inch.

My dark hair, my arms, legs, feet, chest, clothes and everything else 'cried tears' off myself and I relaxed my eyes for a bit then opened them again, and decided to dry myself off. Sunrise was practically here, yet it seemed like almost forever to come.

I wasn't dry completely but it was getting close for me to becoming drier and drier. My hair glued itself to me and I left it like that, I had to change my clothes, luckily I brought a napsack with me.

It carried some things like extra clothes, weapons, a water jug, some scrolls, a First-Aid kit, and some pictures... I took out my extra clothes and changed between two large oak trees between 5 different shaped-sized cherry bushes. I finally tied my double ninja belt around my waist and grabbed my Kusanagi sword, but unsheathed it.

Damn it. The blade was a bit dull. I quickly grabbed this black sharp-edge stone and began sharpening my blade. I was done in a matter of seconds, then I held up my sword, did a few sword air slashes, and looked at the blade. Now, it was sharper and more shiny. I sheathed my sword, put it through my belt, and walked out where I had just changed at.

I grabbed my napsack, hung it over my left shoulder, and cleaned up the little mess I left behind. Quickly after cleaning, I decided it was time to go back to the place where I left behind for what seem like forever. And I know that going back won't do me any good except make up for lost times but still, have hate spill all over me like spilled milk.