Chapter 1
``Tell me something good.``
I thought for a moment. Then:
``I wi-li-li-lished I li-lili-lived in Mululuahonkey la-la-la land-``
Will laughed. The sound ripped through my chest so painfully that I stopped singing. It would be the last time I'd hear it.
I felt his eyes on me and I looked away.
``Clark.``
``…``
``Clark, look at me.`` Will's tone was so impossibly gentle I felt myself breaking inside.
I shook my head.¸
``I can't.``
``Yes, you can. Please.``
He rarely ever said please.I sighed and reluctantly raised my eyes to his. A tear ran down my cheek and I didn't bother trying to stop it.
``Come closer.``
I etched forward on the mattress until our shoulders touched.
``Closer.``
I took his hand.¸
``Not close enough. I want to imagine I can feel your body against mine.``
I gave in and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. It was so damn strong and steady…
``Clark?``
``Yeah.``
``Why d'you stop singing?```
``Because you laughed.,`` I whispered.`` You laughed for the last time.``
``Louisa…``
``No.`` Tears were flooding from my eyes now, but I didn't care. ``I know you wanted me to come to this, Will, and I did, but don't expect to be okay with it.``
He fell silent. The words hung heavily in the air.
`` I'm sorry. I didn't mean-``
``Yes, you did,`` he cut me off. ``And it's okay``
He used the little strength he had in his right thumb (today was a good day) to wipe a stray tear from my cheek.
``It's all going to be okay.``
``How can you say that?``
``Because I can feel it in my bones. We'll both be okay. Even after I'm gone, you'll-``
``Don't.`` I shut my eyes. ``Just don't.``
We fell silent again because there wasn't anything left to say. Will's steady, even breaths were the only sound in the room. If I hadn't known the Traynors were on the other side, I would've thought we were alone in the world.
After a while, I lifted my wrist up and checked my watch. The knot in stomach tightened, making it almost impossible to breathe. It was 4:30. Time was up.
Will must've felt the tension in the air, because his eyes shot open.
``Clark?``
``Yes?``
``Could you get my parents?``
Those five words nearly killed me. I'd been expecting them for a while now, but I would never be ready…
I swallowed the lump in my throat and got up.
``Clark?``
I turned around to look at Will. His eyes were soft and serious, void of any mischief.
``Get back here, I forgot something.``
I walked over to him.
``Take my hands and cup them around your face,`` he whispered.
I smiled faintly and did as I was told. Will's hands were big, soft and warm. They framed my face perfectly.
He looked into my eyes and kissed me. Gently at first, and then more forcefully, as if he wanted to imprint his lips on mine. I kissed him back. The desperation lasted long after the kiss broke.
``I love you,`` I whispered, pressing my forehead against his.
He pressed back faintly.
"I know you do. You shouldn't, but I know you do."
I drew back and glared at him, but he ignored me.
"Don't you dare tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Just get over yourself and-"
"I do too, by the way," Will interrupted, infuriatingly calm.
"What?"
"Love you. Just in case you didn't know."
He'd said it as nonchalantly as if he were talking about the weather. My heart skipped a beat.
"I -uh -I, er thanks for that," I stammered.
"You're welcome ," Will smirked.
Tears pricked my eyes and I blinked furiously to keep them from falling .
Will seemed to sense I was on the verge of another meltdown and I was grateful when he spoke again.
``Now, I think you know I'm not big on mush."
I managed a chuckle. That was an understatement.
"That being said, Clark, I wouldn't trade those six months for anything in the world. You've changed me. You made me happier than I ever thought possible.``
I let out a shaky breath.
``Ditto,`` I replied lamely.
``Promise me something.``
``Depends on what it is.``
Will grinned.
``Classic Clark. Negotiating 'till the end.``
He cleared his throat.
``I want you to promise me you'll live after I'm gone. Don't just survive, Louisa. Live. Get out of that bloody sheltered bubble of yours and go out into the world. See it. Breathe it. Travel to France, eat new and disgusting foods, get drunk, do karaoke, jump off a cliff or learn to speak Croatian . Buy bloody bee tights from all over the world for all I care. Just live. And no fear. Promise me, Clark.``
Ì couldn't trust my voice anymore so I just nodded.
``I need to hear it,`` he insisted.
``I –I can't , Will. Please don't make me.``
Will cocked an eyebrow.
``Watch me.``
I rolled my eyes for show.
``Fine.`` I drew in a breath. ``I promise I'll live.``¸
``Thatta girl.``
I stroked his cheek, taking him all in one last time to remember him exactly as he was in that moment in all of his Will-ness: playful smirk, bright eyes and tousled hair. Sarcastic, unmistakably kind heart. Faint fragrance of soap, earth and pine needle. My Will.
``It's time, Clark,`` he gently broke into my thoughts.
I removed my hand and let it drop to my side.
``Is there anything I can say?``
``Afraid not.``
I bit my lip and turned away briefly to recompose myself. I pinched the bright of my noise, took the biggest gulp of air I could, and whipped around, summoning up all my courage to wink at him
``This isn't goodbye, Traynor. I'll See you later down the road.``
He grinned at him.
``See you later, Clark``
I willed myself to turn my back to him, feeling his eyes on me. I started humming the Mulahonkey song just to hear him laugh again. It worked. The sound rung in my ears and as I made my way to the adjacent room, my heart somehow felt a teensy bit lighter.
I squared my shoulders and knocked.
``Mr and Mrs Traynor? It's –It's, uh ti-``
Silence. Then:
``Yes, Louisa, thank you. We're coming.``
Mrs. T.'s voice sounded…oddly peaceful. Devastated, but peaceful.¸
The door knob creaked and slowly opened. They both looked twenty years older and their eyes were swollen and red from crying, but they were there. They crossed over to Will's bed and took his hand. I was sure I was intruding, but I was well past caring. I went over to the other side of the bed and took his other.
"No fear," I whispered so only he could hear.
Nearly seven months later...
Late on a frosty, freezing Monday night in December, I made my way back to the annex. I rubbed my hands together in an attempt to warm up, but it was pointless. To make matters worse, my boss's obnoxious, loud voice kept ringing in my ears.
Louisa, where's my coffee? And please use those grey cells of yours this time and put cream, not sugar.
Lou, I asked for those copies five minutes ago, not six!
Lou, I need you to proof-read an email. It's for yesterday, so move it.
It was times like those when I really missed being employed by the Traynors'.
I was fed-up with Claudia's condescending tone and her tendency to treat me like a five-year-old stealing a sucker from a candy store.
The woman was bloody lucky I loved my new job and needed the money, otherwise I would gladly tell her to bugger off.
I realized my breathing was getting labored just from thinking about her. I stopped and took a few calming breaths. No use getting myself more wound up than I already was.
Five minutes later I reached the doorstep. I slipped my key in the door with shaking hands and stepped in.
``Clark? Is that you?``
The familiar sound of his kind, gentle voice nearly brought me to tears. I cleared my throat and tried to swallow the rising lump.
``It's me,`` I croaked. ``I'm home.``
I slowly let my mind relax and travel back six months. Back to a time I thought I would never get to hear it again.
—
Just as the nurse was about to administer the medicine, a spasm of pain flickered across Will's face. It was subtle -so much so that no one else seemed to have noticed it, but they weren't attuned to reading Will's face like I was. He had that controlled, impassive expression he wore when he was trying to hide how bad it was. I shot him a look and we had a silent debate that lasted about forty seconds before he finally looked away .
The nurse had witnessed our exchange and gingerly touched Will's shoulder.
"Are you alright Mr. Traynor?"
He gave his version of a shrug.
"Yes, fine."
My eyes shot daggers at him and my heart pleaded.
Will gave me a small nod.
"Actually, no. I'm experiencing some pain," he finally mumbled .
They ran some tests and the results came the same day.
"You have got to be kidding me! A bloody kidney infection?", Will grumbled. ``Will this set me back much?``
``It's hard to say, Mr. Traynor," Doctor Pierson admitted. "You know how long it usually takes for your body to heal, but if I had to guess, I'd say a solid three weeks to get back on your, er, feet, so to speak. I wouldn't try to go back to Dignitas, for at least a month though.``
``One month?! One bloody month?! But that could delay the process months! Unfucking believable!``
``Will, please, try not to exert yourself-``
``The stress isn't good for your body,`` Mrs Traynor added pleadingly.
`` Clark, Mother, not now. I'm not in the mood.``
I pinched the bridge of my noise and took a deep breath. I loved this man to bits, but Will Traynor could be infuriating sometimes.
He waited until his parents had gone for the day to make a call to Dignitas. When he hung up, Will closed his eyes.
Bad sign, I thought.
``What did they say?`` I ventured softly.
``Just what I expected,`` Will muttered."because I had to cancel today, I'll have to reapply and my request will be reevaluated .The process could take up to seven months and even then I might not be eligible."
I had to restrain myself from bouncing out of my incredibly uncomfortable orange hospital chair and doing cartwheels right there on the floor.
``A lot can happen in seven months, you know.``
Will narrowed his chameleon eyes at me.
``Louisa...``
``What?``
``I know what you're doing, and it is not going to work.``
``I'm not doing anything!``
I spent the rest of the morning trying to keep my Cheshire cat grin in check. Little did I know.
Present day
``Clark?``
I heard the familiar hum of Will's chair against the floorboards and snapped right out of my memory.
``Ah, there you are.``
``Hmm?``
I suddenly came to my senses and realized Will was right next to me instead of in bed where he should be.
``Will! What are you still doing up?`` I checked my watch and nearly had a coronary. "It's after eleven, for bloody Christ`s sake!``
``Relax, Clark,`` he chuckled. ``You know I always wait up for you.``
``Yes, well, this ends now. You need your rest, William Traynor, and-``
``On my lap.``
``But I-``
``On. My. Lap.``
My mind knew it wasn't the reasonable thing to do. Will needed at least nine hours of sleep to be functional and he was already way far off schedule, but my heart yearned to hold him tight. I didn't even debate for forty seconds before gently perching myself on his lap. I slipped my arms around his shoulders and took a good look at him.
"You must be exhausted."
"Not at all."
Just from his voice and the way his head hung, I could tell he was lying, but I saw so much love and mischief shinning in those blue-gray orbs that it was all I could do to let him has his way. He flashed that smile of his with the dimples and that did it. I gently cupped his face in my hands and kissed him. Will responded eagerly, but I could tell he was holding back on account of how late it was.
"I missed you," He whispered sweetly.
I let out a deep sigh of contentment and I felt all the tension of the past fourteen hours evaporate.
"I missed you," I echoed softly. "How was your day?"
"Well, let's see," Will pretended to think, "I think it went something like wake up, take pills, do physio, have horrendous spasms, watch film, have shake, sleep and repeat. Oh, wait. I forgot. Today was shower night, too. Bloody riveting stuff, I tell you."
I laughed a bit and lightly swatting his forearm, but my heart wasn't in it
"I wish I could've been there," I murmured. I hated missing out on time with with Will. Caring for him had become as natural as breathing to me and I felt like something was missing when I couldn't.
"Trust me, you were better off serving lattes."
"I do not just serve lattes!" I exclaimed indignantly. "I'll have you know I do loads of different things for Claudia, too. I do photocopies, sometimes I even get to sit in a on a meeting for a few minutes…"
"I was only teasing, love."
Love. My heart swelled in my chest at the moniker Will had taken to using when we were alone.
I carded my fingers through his hair and Will closed his eyes.
"Seriously, though, how was it? Have you still got it in for that awful boss of yours?"
"You have no idea. She's such a relentless-
"Bitch?"
"Will!"
"What?" He chuckled. "After everything you told me about her I'm surprised you haven't come up with something stronger."
"Oh I have. Trust me."
He popped an eye open and cocked an intrigued eyebrow.
"Care to share?"
"Not tonight. It's well past time to hit the hay."
I kissed Will's cheek and gently hopped off his lap.
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay," Will repeated, amused. "I'll go to bed. If you join me"
He flashed me the Traynor crooked smile and threatened to do me in.
"You know I'd like nothing more, but I've just got so much w-"
"Do not say 'work'. "