Alfred F. Jones did a lot of things. After all, college was the universally accepted "place of experimentation." Then again, that phrase probably referred to figuring out career options or buying a usable car.

Alfred F. Jones did a lot of stupid things.

Alfred was having this revelation standing on a beach. It was a pretty beach, all things considered. It had nice, clean sand. And there were other, pretty people standing on the beach. They all looked serious. Correction: there was one average dude, but he looked pretty serious, too.

"And that's your first challenge," the host concluded.

Everyone gave a serious nod. Alfred had been zoning out. A buzzer behind the host counted down to zero, and then everyone standing on the beach turned and ran into the wilderness behind the pretty beach.

Alfred looked at the host, at the cameras, gave a grin, and jogged after everyone.

Alright. Well, there was a challenge. Probably about scavenging food or finding water or something equally as survival-y.

Alfred was catching up to the slower people from the beach. It was the average-but-serious guy from before. He sort of looked like a nerd. And then Alfred got the idea.

This show had a cash prize. Alfred assumed it was a lot, because he always sought out money when he was drunk, and so Alfred wanted the cash prize.

Alfred fell into step with the guy, smiling. "Yo."

The guy looked at Alfred like he was crazy.

Alfred nodded. "Cool. Look, I've always been more of a team player, so I'm going to stick around with you. I'm Alfred F. Jones."

The guy looked like the run was giving him some trouble. "We've… introduced ourselves… already," he panted.

"Oh, we did? Huh."

"Some team… player," the guy gasped.

"I didn't say I was a good team player. So, uh, what're we doing? Like, what's the goal? Is it like Hunger Games? Just go until we die of a wolf pack or…?"

"I'm not bloodying helping you!" the guy yelled, bending over to catch his breath. "Fuck… off."

"You fuck off. What's the goal?" Alfred looked around. "Oh, shit, look, a backpack."

The guy gaped as Alfred walked over and picked up a camouflaged backpack. He held it up for the serious guy to look at, then opened it.

"Food!" Alfred held up the chocolate bars. "Chocolate!"

The guy stared. "That was the first challenge."

"Chocolate?"

"No, finding the fucking backpack."

Alfred looked at the backpack, then back at the guy. He held the backpack closer to him. "Well, I bet you feel like a jackass. Telling me to fuck off, and now look." Alfred shook the backpack.

The guy's eyes flicked from the backpack to Alfred, and hefrowned. Alfred grinned.

"I bet you want to team up now, don't you?"

The guy gritted his teeth. "My name is Arthur."

"I'm Alfred F. Jones."

"I know!"

Alfred hugged the backpack closer. "You're not getting any chocolate if you're a little bitch."

Arthur closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them. "Yes. You're right. We should get back to the beach."

Alfred frowned. "I have the backpack. I'm the leader of this team. I say we head deeper into the woods."

"Good God, do you not know what the fucking challenge is? We're supposed to grab a backpack and return to the beach as fast as possible." Arthur was gritting his teeth again.

"Oh. Okay." Alfred nodded. "Back to the beach, then." He started jogging.

"Other way!" Arthur shouted.

Alfred rolled his eyes, turned on his heel, and jogged past Arthur. "Excuse me!"

Arthur ran next to him, and it took a minute before he started panting. Alfred looked around, hit Arthur's arm, and then pointed.

"A monkey!"

Arthur gave him a withering look, which was pretty impressive considering he was disheveling and disgusting and looked sort of like a nerd. He ran on, and Alfred followed reluctantly after.

"You don't have to be such a bitch about it, you know. How often do you see monkeys in England, huh?"

They arrived on the beach, and the buzzer behind the host rang. Alfred grinned at the cameras as they jostled closer, looked at Arthur, who was much less eager at the close-ups. The host came forward, nodding.

"Congratulations, Alfred! You've won the first challenge!"

Alfred nodded. "Actually, it's me and Arthur. We teamed up."

The host's smile faltered. "You what?"

"Yeah. Him and me. I literally have no idea what I'm doing, but Arthur kinda' looks like he knows this sort of stuff."

The cameras swung around to observe Arthur. Arthur looked horrified, the guy's ears turning red. Alfred coughed, and the cameras swung around back to him, and he grinned again.

"Do we get a prize?" Alfred asked the host.

The host blinked at him. "The backpack was the prize. There are only three, and they have a multitude of essentials none of the other contestants have."

Alfred looked at the backpack, to Arthur, to the host. "Can we get another prize?"

Arthur stomped over, grabbed the backpack, and walked back into the woods. Alfred followed behind, asking for the chocolate, but Arthur was living up to his title of "Little Bitch" and refused to give him any.

"Why are you even in this?!" Arthur snapped, whirling on Alfred. "What's in it for you, besides attention?"

Alfred looked around the jungle and shrugged. "I, uh, signed up by accident. I think. I was really drunk. Is there a cash prize?"

"Yes. It goes to charity."

Alfred slumped. "Oh."

"You're an asshole!"

"Really? What're you doing it for then? Huh?"

Arthur's face was getting red again. "The only person I ever loved died. I'm going to win and contribute to the hospital that tried to save him."

That caught Alfred a little off guard. "So you signed up for agameshow?"

Arthur didn't have a response to that. He leaned against a tree, then slid down, glaring up at Alfred. It was suddenly very quiet. The buzzer at the beach went off again. Alfred sat down near Arthur.

"How else was I going to get the money?"

Alfred looked at him. "What?"

"How else was I going to thank the hospital? I'm a fucking immigrant to this shitty country, I had no money, and then I get a call that my… That he was dying, and by the time I had scrapped up anything to try and help, he was dead."

"A gameshow?"

Arthur glanced at Alfred. "You're not the only one who has stupid ideas when you're drunk."

"That's really fucking sad." Alfred nodded. "Alright, well, you're going to win then."

Arthur almost sneered. "What?"

"I'm going to make sure you win, because that was really sad. You have my pity." Alfred threw his hands in the air. "Woo! Get pumped!"

Arthur did sneer this time. "Thanks."

"You say that now, but you're going to feel really stupid when I win this for you. You're probably going to cry."

Arthur gave him a strange look. "Thank you. I think."

Alfred shrugged. "Give me chocolate."