A/N: When I was about 12 I promised myself I wouldn't get involved with Star Wars beyond the movies because I wasn't that much of a geek and I had some limits (guess what, kid: you are, and you don't, and you lose all credibility to claim otherwise when Phantom Menace is the first movie you remember seeing: not just at the cinema, but ever), and now here I am with two Star Wars fanfics. This doesn't follow on from the first, but it could? I guess? If you wanted it to?
This is dedicated to all the haters (i.e. me and only me, my own biggest hater) who were like "oh Jen yeah she can only write character studies". Suck it, self. I half-branched out into a kind-of plot!
Warnings for Finn-style "that's not how the Force works" and suicidal thoughts (not because of depression but still it's there)
The first time is just bad luck.
The second they put down to a coincidence. No one could have predicted the fleet of pirate starships heading for the exact same sector that they were.
The third time, though: the third time they jump to location only to find that the First Order has left the system with only two or three tie-fighters waiting behind to taunt them with their missed opportunity, it becomes clear that the Resistance has a traitor in its midst.
-00000-
Poe launches himself out of his starfighter, skipping the last couple of rungs of the ladder in his frustration and his fury, needles of pain shooting though both his feet as he lands heavily on the ground. He is halfway across the hanger and heading for the Control room before BB-8 even manages to disengage itself from the navigational systems. Snap catches his eyes as he storms past but doesn't try to engage, only nods in acknowledgement, and Poe trusts that Snap will run his pilots through debriefing in his absence.
Control is almost empty when Poe arrives, most of the command crew likely cleared out once the fighters found the First Order gone, but General Organa and Finn are both standing next to the holotable, clearly anticipating his arrival.
While confined to his bed in the medcentre, Finn had told Poe that his simulation and accuracy scores had qualified him for an officer's position within the First Order, even if his personality had not. And sometimes, when he sees Finn shadowing General Organa around the base, Poe has to swallow the bile that builds in his throat with the thought that Finn's defection has not truly afforded him much change. He reminds himself that it's not the same, that Finn chose this. Chose not to fight. Chose to lend his insight to the Resistance. Chose to learn command from General Organa. Choice is all the difference in the galaxy.
Still, Finn carries a blaster all the same. General Organa does too.
Finn is standing further away from the door and Poe can see the way his mouth forms around Poe's name even if he can hear the word, and the joy in Finn's eyes at his safe return makes Poe powerless to do anything but grin back, the existence of a First Order informer within the Resistance momentarily forgotten with Finn's silent greeting.
General Organa's clipped "Commander" reminds Poe abruptly of the situation, and he drags his eyes away from Finn to focus.
"General" he replies. "I'm afraid that we must consider that someone within the Resistance has defected."
General Organa nods her agreement. "Unfortunate, but not unexpected. I trust you will assess the loyalty of your pilots."
"Of course, General." And the idea that it could be one of his - one of the people he eats with and trains with and laughs with - is almost unbearable, hot and cold at once, and he feels his fists clench and relax without conscious thought.
General Organa nods again, walks over and clasps him on the shoulder. "We'll get them, Poe." She says, and she's not soft, not even softer when she addresses him by name rather than title. She's always angry, always fighting, like she doesn't know any other way to be, like it has taken her through life up to this point, pushed her past everything that has tried to stop her, and will keep her moving forward until her death. Probably past it. But she is more open. Compassionate. Gentle, in a way that has nothing to do with softness; but with control, and with pain.
"Yes." Poe replies, and he knows that it is true in the same way that he knows that everything she says is true.
She squeezes his shoulder once and lets go to step back. "We have more reports of First Order locations that you will be flying to tomorrow. You had best eat and rest. I will send you the details when we decide where we will send each squadron." She turns to Finn still standing silently behind her. "You too, Finn. You're dismissed, but I want you here again early morning."
Finn nods, bustles passed General Organa and taps Poe twice on the back of the hand as he walks out of the room. Poe turns to follow, but he catches sight of General Organa's small smile before he leaves, and he grins back, wider, but with a blush he can feel heating his cheeks. She rolls her eyes good-naturedly at him, and not for the first time, Poe wonders how it must be for her, to feel things the way that she does. When this thing - the Resistance - was still young, someone had asked why they were searching so desperately for Luke Skywalker, when General Organa herself was supposedly Force-sensitive. Or perhaps had she been lying about that to give weight to her warmongering. At least half of the new recruits had been prepared to jump at the man for his insinuation, Poe included, but General Organa had simply smiled at him, and told him that the Force worked in many ways, that she used it more for its empathetic powers, that she could sense his fear and his hesitation and his simple desire to run away. But also that she could find her old lightsaber and give him a demonstration, if he'd like.
Poe wonders what General Organa feels from him every time he looks at Finn. Can she feel his giddiness, the way his pulse jumps whenever Finn smiles? The way that thinking about Finn sometimes makes it feel like his heart is being squeezed, but in the absolute best way. Sometimes he hopes that she can. Everything else, Poe knows, must be fear and anger and desperation, and he would be happy and honoured to know that he could let her feel something else, something joyful and excited, even if only for a moment. Other times he just hopes that the way he feels for Finn doesn't remind her of Han Solo and all the tragedy and loss in her life. But given the way she smiles at him every time he watches with a kind of gleeful and anticipatory longing after Finn, Poe is sure that it's alright.
Finn is waiting for him in the hallway and Poe bumps their shoulders together and says "mess?" Finn grins and nods and they head off to grab a quick meal. Finn talks the whole way. Poe may be a Commander, and all the pilots ultimately answer to him before anyone even thinks of taking something to Admiral Ackbar, but even so, there's a whole lot that goes on in Command that he is not privy to. It's not sensible or good tactics to have someone know every one of the Resistance's plans, particularly not someone who regularly goes into combat situations where kidnap and interrogation is more than possible. As Poe has already proved. He knows everything that is happening with his pilots, but outside of that, there is a whole lot that Finn is not allowed to talk about with him.
That doesn't stop him from having a near inexhaustible amount of things to say. Finn is excited about the world, in a way that would be somewhat sad because it speaks of his stifled upbringing, if it weren't for the fact that he is genuinely joyful about getting to make new discoveries every day, and eager to share it all with Poe. Today he tells him about the people he has spent the day talking to, the funny little gurgling, bubbling sound that Admiral Ackbar makes when he laughs, the look on Major Kalonia's face when she opened a holo from her wife sent from a Resistance-protected refugee camp, both happy and sad at the same time, and the way that she had cried silent tears when she saw their children running in and out of the picture.
Poe listens to it all with a feeling in his chest like a bubble fit to pop, and a grin on his face the entire time. He hopes Finn knows how much he enjoys these conversations, beyond the ability to properly articulate. All he can do in return is tell his own stories; Karé and Iolo's squadrons had returned that morning, bringing with them a new group of volunteers. Since the destruction of the Hosnian system the groups of volunteers have been getting bigger, but also less frequent. Poe had spent the day talking to the new recruits who wanted to be pilots before flying out on their sabotaged recon flight, and he tells Finn about challenging the hopeful pilots to a simulated dogfight. When he had first started training starship pilots in the Republic, Poe had always taken the time to get to know the new recruits, kept them grounded for at least a week and spoke with them all individually. He liked to know how a pilot thought before he ever let them fly, how they would react in common situations, whether they were going to run or pull something stupid because they got arrogant. The Resistance doesn't have the luxury of that time. Instead, Poe drops them head first into a simulated fight and watches them act.
And when one gets cocky, he shoots them out of the sky himself.
That part of the story is Finn's favourite.
Poe and Finn go their separate ways to their own rooms after their meal. As they hug goodbye, Poe suppresses the recurring desire to just invite Finn back to his quarters and see where things go from there, reminding himself that he promised himself to let Finn make any first moves. They separate slowly, but they still leave in opposite directions.
Back in his own quarters, Poe steps into the fresher for a quick clean, reads the message from General Organa about tomorrow's mission on his holopad while dressing for bed, and then flops face-down on the covers to sleep without bothering to get underneath them.
-00000-
Poe wakes to find General Organa sitting by his bedside, and his hands cuffed behind his back.
-00000-
"I would never." Poe says. It's simple; a statement, a fact, not desperate. He can't feel desperate, when he can't feel much of anything but the cold, sharp blankness that had shuttered down over his mind at the accusation.
"I know." General Organa replies steadily. "But I saw you."
Her face is utterly devoid of emotion, and Poe has nowhere to look but straight at it. General Organa had helped to turn him over so he was lying on his back and his still-cuffed hands. It eases the twinge in his neck that he had felt trying to look at her from his position on his stomach, but it also means that he can not look away from her hovering above him, even if he wanted to.
"But I– I wouldn't." And there's the panic, the desperation, settling onto his limns like a blanket, into his bones, and grasping inelegantly at his words as he tries to force them out. "You know I wouldn't. You know me, General. You know I'm telling the truth. Please. I wouldn't." Poe has looked death in the eye. He's been face to face with people intent on killing him. Kylo Ren raked through his brain with the Force. But he's never felt the need to beg before now.
"I know." General Organa says again; unmoved, but not unkind. "I know you wouldn't betray us to the First Order. Not consciously."
Poe doesn't relax, doesn't breath any easier, but there is light at the end of this tunnel. "What do you mean?" He asks.
"You were asleep."
"How– How is that possible?"
"It's just a theory," She starts. "Something I read about when Luke was first starting his school. Before the Empire and the Galactic Civil War there were stories, myths really, of creatures called mind-witches. They lived on Seidhkona, in Wild Space, and they were powerful psychics that sucked the mental energies from victims to replenish themselves. They did this by creating mental links with their victim. They literally shared part of their brains. I think that when my son forced his way into your mind, he created a mental link between the two of you. Not powerful enough to do anything while you're awake, but when you're unconscious..."
"You think that when I'm asleep he can control me?" Poe has always believed in the afterlife as somewhere beautiful and lit by the Force. Explains that distant light.
"Yes. But not well. I think that something gets triggered when you're given a new mission and your connection activates. Nothing old is being sent, no member counts or scouted locations or allies. Just where the pilots will be heading out next."
Poe has always appreciated having a clear plan, and he knows exactly what to do now. In a strange way, it's somewhat comforting, and all his previous panic washes away with the path forward so plain: "You have to kill me."
General Organa does not look surprised by his declaration, but there is a squeak from outside, a whoosh as his door slides open and Finn comes barrelling in, BB-8 shrieking at his heels with its arc welder extended and levelled at General Organa. "No!" He shouts, looks a little shocked at himself, and then says, quieter but no less anxious. "You can't! I'm sorry I was eavesdropping but there has to be something else you can do! Anything!"
Poe knows why his hands are cuffed, doesn't trust himself to not be, but he wants hug Finn one last time, give BB-8 a pat on its head, tell them to look after each other and reassure them that this is the best option. General Organa, he notices, doesn't seem fazed by Finn's shouts or BB-8's threats, just looks straight at them and they both quiet. "I'm not going to." She says, and Poe can't imagine anything worse than being a constant threat to the Resistance's survival, but he listens to her anyway. "I have another idea."
-00000-
The cells on the Resistance bases are not used often. It's very rare that they take any prisoners, and Poe is sure that if he asked Finn there would be a suitably depressing reason for the fact that they never encounter injured Stormtroopers even after ground battles. Only the dead, without a mark on them.
He can figure out the reason without Finn's help.
Far more likely that a cell houses someone from inside the Resistance - fighting for a good cause does not put you above criminality, and Poe would like to believe that everyone who opposes the First Order is a good person, but life is rarely so neat. Thieves, murderers, spies - all people that they can't allow to leave D'Qar where they might meet up with the First Order, so instead are placed in cells.
And now Poe.
Their first rule had been to ban BB-8 from visiting. General Organa's idea was to isolate Poe from any new Resistance information so he had nothing for Kylo Ren to make him share, and BB-8 does not understand discretion, not when it comes to him. Poe loves his droid just the way it is, but he knows that it would immediately tell him everything it had heard during the day without him even asking. It is Poe's and Poe is its. BB-8 had not been happy when Poe had told it it couldn't visit, but when he asked it to keep an eye on Finn and General Organa for him, it had agreed. Growing up, Poe had idolised Princess Leia, face of the Rebellion, and meeting her and working for her has only increased his admiration. He has a suspicion his feelings have rubbed off somewhat on BB-8.
The second rule was that he was not allowed more than two visitors at a time. People were less likely to let something slip in casual conversation if there were less of them. And besides, they were trying to keep Poe's presence in the cells quiet, and the entire base would know he wasn't sick and in his quarters if his pilots flocked to the cells en masse.
His cell is nice enough, Poe supposes. They had waited until midnight and moved Poe's own bed from his quarters, along with a number of datapads and holovids. Poe appreciates the effort that General Organa and the other Admirals are putting into this, the trust they are placing in him, and he is determined to make the best of the situation. Even so; being in a cell, seeing the same three walls and bars and the same bricks and the same scenery ever day, being cut off from the light and the wind, not being able to see the stars twinkling at him at him in the night sky, calling to him. It's killing him. It will kill him. He knows it will, long before General Organa gives up on him and does it herself.
If someone had asked it of him, Poe would've shot them immediately, no questions asked. He supposes that's why he's not in charge.
Karé and Iolo manage to snag the first visiting slot. They've known him the longest, flew with him in the New Republic. It's only fitting that they would get priority. They stare at him through the bars in his cell and Poe stares back. In hostile situations he has always believed in making the first move, but it's a little more complicated with friends. Karé speaks fist, her face perfectly blank. "If I had've known you were going to make a habit of defecting, we never would've followed you from the New Republic."
And Poe laughs. Because the first time Karé came face to face with a spy for the First Order she broke the woman's nose. The second and third times too. She never gets less angry. She has never believed in calm accusations. And Iolo has never been good at keeping a straight face.
So Poe laughs and Iolo cracks immediately, Karé following right after and it's not funny, it's a terrible joke and the worst situation imaginable; Poe's worst fears and greatest horrors are coming true and he's a threat to the Resistance and he knows he's going to lose it down here in the Resistance's cells. And there's nothing he can do, nothing any of them can do, except laugh, and hope against all hope that it will all turn out okay.
It's been a successful last-ditch strategy for this long. No use changing it now. Karé and Iolo help. He's more than glad to see them. And if their laughter is a little hysterical, none of them want to admit to being worried.
Snap is the next to come see him. His recon skills are second-to-none, both in a fighter and on the ground. Snap knows everything about everyone, and Poe trusts him to tell the absolute truth about what people are saying about him. Poe calls after Snap to look after his pilots as he leaves, and handing over the squadrons feels almost like a death knell.
Luckily he has a steady stream of visitors that manage to distract him from his position when they're with him; Ello and Bastian and Nien and the other pilots, who have all been slowly filled in about to their Commander's situation. Finn and General Organa and even the rest of Command, sometimes. A select few of the medical staff. But they can't stay forever, and Poe turns up the holovids when they leave and thinks about anything other than the Resistance.
Jess is the last of his allowed visitors to come see him, hurrying down the steps so fast that she almost trips, dashing along the corridor to Poe's cell without looking anywhere but at him. Frankly Poe is surprised that she came at all. Surprised and touched. Jess is wonderful in a fighter, with the transparisteel the only thing separating her from the empty blackness of space, but here in the cells even Poe is starting to feel a little claustrophobic; unadorned grey walls without even a window to offer perspective on the feeling that they are slowly closing in, that he will be trapped and die here. Jess has sweat gathering at her temples, and her hands where she has them clenched at her sides shake, slightly, but she manages a crooked grin and a dig at taking Black One for a spin and convincing BB-8 to be her astromech instead.
Poe is sure that he is never leaving this cell alive, but even still he vows to use the time he has wasting away thinking about all the fun new drills his pilots are going to be running when he's back to giving them orders.
-00000-
Poe had wished he was Force-sensitive as a kid. It had never been a matter of belief for him, some mystical power that may connect all living things, but may have simply been a story - he had always known that the Force was real. He had been told the stories of the Rebellion and the Galactic Civil War before they were just myths and legends. His parents had fought with the Rebels, and later the Alliance. He had met Luke Skywalker, albeit intermittently and never for long. The tree that grew in the front yard of his childhood home was Force-sensitive and he had loved to climb it and sleep amongst the branches. There was nowhere on Yavin 4, nowhere in the galaxy more calming than that tree, and Poe had wanted it so badly, and wished with every fibre of his being that somehow the Force would make itself known to him.
His parents had been relieved when it never did and Poe had made himself feel relief for it too. After all, he reminded himself, at least he knows that his skills as a pilot are due entirely to his own talent and hard work, and not the mystical pull of the Force. And he takes pride in that, truly, but he can never feel the kind of relief his parents did, can never be afraid of the Force and its potential for evil like they were.
He has never been unaware of the Dark Side. Yavin 4 is dotted with old temples built long before the Empire, when the Sith still had a homeworld. The enslaved Massassi had been sent to the moon along with Naga Sadow to build temples to the Sith as gods. Children on Yavin 4 were prohibited from entering the temples, and so Poe had done so as soon as he was allowed to wander alone. Before he even entered the temple he had felt the presence of the Dark Side, a desperate hate and possessive want, and inside he had dwelt on things he hadn't for years; his mother's death, his father's despair, the fear that he would never be enough for anything.
He hadn't run, Poe has never believed on running from anything, but that night he had done another thing he hadn't in years, and slept amongst the branches of the Force-sensitive tree, its connective energy calming him.
He's even more aware of the Dark Side now, after Kylo Ren scraping and tearing through his mind.
But even knowing how the Force can be manipulated, twisted to pain, there is some part of Poe that still wishes he had it. Some part that is sure it didn't choose him because he is too weak. When General Organa had confronted him about sending messages to the First Order, Poe had insisted that he wouldn't betray the Resistance, but that was never really true. He already had. He had already given information to Kylo Ren. Just because it was taken from him, it doesn't mean that he wasn't too weak to keep the secret.
He voices this to General Organa on her third visit, and she lapses into an contemplative silence for a moment before she speaks. "You did not betray us. My son forced his way into your mind and controlled you. That is not betrayal. There was nothing you could have done. You fought against everything that you could."
"It's still weakness, though." Poe replies, and he knows how he sounds; small, childlike, entirely unbefitting for a military Commander and grown person. "I know what they say, that Mind Tricks only work on the weak-willed."
"Jedi Mind Tricks." General Organa corrects him. "The Jedi suggest that someone should do what they say, and their mind can ignore it. They give you a little push, but your mind can fight back. The Dark Side isn't like that. They don't care if you don't want to listen. They will tear apart your mind and force you to do what they want. No one can resist that unless they're Force-sensitive themselves. It wasn't your fault. You're not weak."
Poe nods. He wants to believe her. He does believe her. He just has to convince himself of that.
-00000-
Finn visit every day. Poe is not entirely sure how he finds the time. Working with General Organa and the Admiralty the way he has been, he's sure Finn has more interesting things to do then sit with Poe in the bowels of D'Qar base, but he's there every night. At first, Poe had been sure that Finn wouldn't come to see him at all. He wouldn't have blamed him. Finn hadn't been free of the First Order for all that long, he didn't need a constant reminder of how far their influence could spread. But he came with General Organa the first time she visited, and he hasn't stopped since.
Poe hasn't had as much time to spend with Finn as he would have liked to since he woke from his coma. His mission to retrieve the map to Luke Skywalker on Jakku had only been his second ever for the Resistance, but that was only because they hadn't known where to start. After the success with Starkiller, every member has been on high alert to leave to fight at a moments notice. Since Takodana, Poe had been flying out almost every day. Mostly small things, training drills, recon missions, supply runs. Snap was coming back with new areas mapped for further exploration daily, which had put Poe on constant recruitment duty. Even with the failed scouting missions for the First Order, Poe had felt like they were getting somewhere, like his skills as a pilot weren't just a waste, and his X-Wing was finally doing what she was made for.
But even with all the work, he had tried to see Finn every night he had available, to ask him about everything new he had seen and done. Finn isn't an innocent by any means; he had grown up under an oppressive regime that limited experiences to those they deemed acceptable, but Stormtroopers apparently still talked, even if they did it quieter than most people. But even still, he is somewhat naïve. There's so much that Finn doesn't know, or only knows one side of. And he is excited about everything, his enthusiasm contagious, and Poe always looked forward to their chats.
It can't be like that, now. They have more time to spend together with Poe's job suspended, but everything new Finn has learned and heard has to be kept a secret from him in case he accidentally manages to extrapolate future Resistance action from Finn's idle chatter. It wouldn't be likely, Finn is careful no mater how friendly, but Poe has had a hand in planning Resistance missions, and so there is always the chance.
But Finn seems determined to visit anyway, and Poe casts around for different subjects. At first he asks about Finn's time as a Stormtrooper. All of their conversation to this point has been about Finn. Not because Poe is hesitant to share anything about himself or doesn't trust Finn with it, but because Finn seems so unsure about who he is, now, and how he fits in the galaxy and the Resistance, and Poe had hoped that discussing it would help. But when he mentions Stormtroopers, Finn says that he doesn't want to talk about it. He's going to have to talk about it, Poe knows, but not today. And hopefully with someone more qualified to help him through it than him.
"What do you want to talk about, then?" Poe asks instead.
Finn thinks about it for a moment - far more seriously, Poe thinks, than any casual question he's ever asked warrants, which is at the same time strangely flattering and very Finn - before he settles on "what was it like growing up on your planet?"
"Moon." Poe corrects, and Finn looks so adorably confused at that that Poe huffs a small laugh before he clarifies. "Yavin 4 is a moon."
"Does that make a difference? That it's a moon?" Finn asks hesitantly, and chuckles slightly nervously.
"Well that depends on who's opinion you trust."
"Yours" Finn replies immediately and confidently, and far too sincerely for Poe to do anything but stare with a slightly bemused smile on his face.
After a moment he regathers his wits and says "Then yes." He grins. "Moons are smaller, you know. More modest. You can get quite the superiority complex, growing up planet-side. Just look at Snap."
Finn laughs, loudly, and he knows it's because the idea of Snap ever being arrogant about anything is frankly ridiculous. Poe being called the best pilot in the Resistance is as much a responsibility as it is both a brag and the truth, but even so, Snap is their best recon flyer. And only those who look closely at the Resistance's maps would know that,because it's the only way to know that they were all mapped out by Snap. But it wasn't that funny a joke, and the fact that Finn laughed so loudly makes Poe want to step up his game and tell the best ones he knows. Finn deserves to laugh until he cries.
"What was it like, growing up on your moon, then?"
"It's difficult to say." Poe starts slowly. "Yavin 4 is a colony and there are no native peoples, so there's no typical growing up experience. Settlers come from all over the galaxy and everyone has different ideas about family and procreation and communication, so all the kids move around a lot learning from all the different groups. I was born two years before the Battle of Endor, so the adults were always afraid that Yavin 4 would fall victim to the Empire because there is an old Rebellion base on the moon. People were always scared, but we had to live as best we could anyway. My parents were both Rebels; my dad was a commando and my mum flew an A-wing. They both fought on Endor, and I was raised by my grandfather until I was two."
"Your mum is a pilot?" Finn asks.
"Was." Poe replies with a sad smile. "She died when I was eight. But before that, she taught me how to fly. She used to sit me on her lap and let me play with all the buttons and levers, and only take the controls when we needed to land. I became the best pilot I could be in memory of her. She was amazing. She helped destroy the second Death Star, and she flew with Luke Skywalker and General Organa both. She didn't talk about it, she didn't want to remember the war, but I read about it when I was with the New Republic Navy."
"Aren't you afraid?" Finn interrupts, like he's been waiting a long time to ask the question, and he blushes but doesn't look away.
"When I'm flying?" Poe asks. "No."
"I am." Finn's voice is hushed with the admission, and this time he does look away, his gaze sliding away from Poe to the ground.
"When?" Poe walks to the front of his cell and sticks his arm through the bars, palm up. He's never quite sure how Finn will react to physical contact. He seems to enjoy it - welcome it even - when he hugs Poe or takes his hand, but when Poe claps him on the shoulder as he walks passed or nudges him when they're walking together he always flinches away before relaxing. So Poe is careful to let Finn initiate contact, holds open his hand and waits for Finn to take it himself.
He always does, and he steps closer at the same time, so Poe's hand is slightly crushed against the bars between them, but he doesn't try to move them.
"All the time." Finn says, and then he huffs an unhappy laugh at himself. "But mostly on Finalizer. I was only thinking about all the ways that everything could go wrong. But you weren't afraid. You're very brave."
"Yeah, I think that says something a lot better about you, buddy, than it does me. Just means that I'm bad at reflection and healthy coping mechanisms." Poe lets himself laugh at the end there, even though it's the truth. He's never been much for dwelling, but he knows that that's because what he is good at is Not Dealing With It, and one day there's going to be nothing to distract himself with, and all his bravado and recklessness is going to come crashing down. Until then, the best he can do is be honest, and hope that someone will know what to look for when the day inevitably comes.
"You're right." Poe continues. "I wasn't afraid on Finalizer. Just like I'm not afraid when I'm flying. The truth is, it's because I'm not afraid to die."
Finn sort of jumps at that admission, flinches as if he's going to move away and then somehow crowds even closer. If there was nothing between them they'd probably be pressed together right now. Poe would definitely be hugging him, because he's not entirely certain how to interpret the look on Finn's face right now, but it seems equal parts confusion, fear and admiration and Poe doesn't really want to dump all of this on him, but it appears to be the way the conversation is heading. "I'd rather die than go back to the First Order." Finn whispers, as if it's a secret, as if anyone would expect Finn to ever want to go back there, "But I'm still afraid of doing either."
"But you would, if you had to." Poe whispers back, because it may not be a secret, but that doesn't mean that it's something that Finn wants to share. "You'd still face them. Either of them. You already did. Being afraid doesn't stop you from being brave, Finn."
Finn does not look convinced. In fact, Finn looks downright disbelieving. Poe has the sudden urge to drop Finn off at a Core Planet and have him spend some time around average people not constantly having to swallow their fear because they're fighting a war. Get him a bit of perspective, help him see how rare it is to stand up publically and oppose something.
Poe sighs. "If it makes you feel any better, I'm afraid of things too."
Finn laughs, and that's much better, that's how things should be. "Of course you are." He says. "Everyone's afraid of something. I bet it's something dumb and common, like spiders. Or moths."
"Hey, some of those spiders are pretty dangerous." Poe huffs. "The Urnsor'is on Kashyyyk can infect you with a flesh eating parasite. No one wants that." Finn giggles, and opens his mouth to say something, probably to gloat, but Poe talks over him. "But that's not what I meant. Everyone's afraid of trivial things, but I'm afraid of other things, too. I'm afraid of living without a purpose. I'm afraid that I won't know what to do when this war is over. I'm afraid of how selfish that makes me, and how terrible. My parents never wanted me to fight, you know? They fought so I wouldn't have to, but as soon as I was old enough I left to join the New Republic, and I deserted to fight against the First Order the minute I was offered the chance. I'm afraid that I've let them down, but this, it's all I know how to do. I'm afraid of finding out that I'm not anything without a battle."
Finn looks a little speechless, a little like he's about to cry, his mouth hanging open a little where he didn't close it after his previous attempt at speech. Poe shifts to press his forehead against the bars as if he can project the sincerity of his words through physical closeness and powers on. No point stopping now he's started.
"But you, buddy. Look at you. You struck out on your own. You threw away everything you knew just on the chance that something could be better. And you kept moving forward, even though you were scared. And that makes you very brave."
For a second nothing happens. Poe is worried that he's said too much, that he's pushed too far. Finn takes everything in his stride, it's hard to tell when something will stump him. And then all of a sudden, Finn lunges forward, and whether by luck or some other power subtly manipulating events, they're positioned just right that he manages to kiss Poe hard, on the lips, without either one of them smacking their head on the bars.
It's quick, it's only for a moment, and then Finn is gone, running up the stairs and away from the cells. And Poe is too stunned to call after him.
-00000-
When the Stormtroopers had come for him on Jakku, Poe had shot them without even thinking about it. He remembers two, running into battle together, and he had killed the first the minute they came into his line of sight. And the second, they just stopped. They didn't run passed their dead, like he'd always seen Stormtroopers do. They'd stopped, and dropped to their knees, and Poe had stopped, too. He'd turned away, and looked up to see Kylo Ren's ship coming in to land. After that it was all a mess of pain and anger and resignation, and he had forgotten that Stormtrooper whom he had spared to grieve.
He's never mentioned them since, hasn't spoken about it to anyone, but he knows, somehow. He knows that Stormtrooper was Finn.
When Poe woke up dehydrated and concussed on Jakku, with no idea who or where he was, he remembered Finn's name and character before his own.
Life is funny like that.
-00000-
Poe is going over the schematics for Black One (he's always thought she could use an extra blaster cannon, but he's never had the time to figure out where to attach one) when there's bang, a binary shriek of victory, and a whirring sound as BB-8 comes hurtling through the door and down into the cells. It normally takes stairs carefully and one at a time, but it barely even touches them now, seemingly rolling as fast as it can off the top step and landing hard on the ground, beeping incessantly the whole way, and it's such an unusual sight that it takes a moment for Poe to realise that BB-8 is telling him that they've located a First Order prison camp and Snap is taking out the pilots next week .
"Kriff, BB-8!" Poe shouts, and BB-8 rolls back with a whirring sound, shocked at his tone, its head tipping further than it's body like its been struck in a way that is openly manipulative, but annoyingly always works on him. Poe takes a deep breath, calms his steadily rising panic. There's no use yelling at BB-8, and it doesn't deserve it. It's not its fault that being around Poe so much gave it more loyalty and trust than sense. "I need you to go get–"
But who? General Organa would have too much to do. Karé and Iolo he knows are off-planet. They told him they had leave - more than likely a lie, but he appreciates that they found a way to tell him they wouldn't be visiting for a time. Snap, apparently, has a raid and rescue mission to plan. And then he remembers a conversation about sleep deprivation training, harsher than anything Poe ever experienced as part of the New Republic or the Resistance. And yes, he's trying to give him space, time to figure out what that kiss meant, and he hasn't visited since, but still–
"Finn. I need you to go and fetch Finn. Please."
-00000-
Finn takes one look at Poe's face and says "what do you need?" Poe had been expecting some awkwardness, but he should have known that Finn would see the distress on his face and put any personal feelings out of his mind. He'd done so for Rey, after all, it seems somewhat unfair to Finn to expect anything different from him.
Poe doesn't answer immediately, shakes his head and crouches down to BB-8's level, where the droid is vibrating with anticipation. "BB-8, buddy." He starts, and he keeps his voice jovial as an apology for this earlier frustration. "Can you find General Organa and tell her that I know about the Prison Camps and Snap's mission." He hears Finn gasp above him but doesn't look up at him just yet. "And then I want you to stay with her until I'm out of here. Can you do that for me? Please?" BB-8 whistles an affirmative and rolls away and Poe waits until he hears the door close to stand and look at Finn again.
He can only imagine that the look on Finn's face is the same as the one on his a moment ago - like the galaxy has just stopped. "You know?" he croaks, and Poe feels the crushing weight return to his chest, the knowledge that if he falls asleep now he's going to ruin people's lives. If he tells Kylo Ren what he knows, the First Order will move the camp and the prisoners will never be saved and it will all be his fault and Poe wants to cry but he can't find it in himself to be anything but strong for Finn, who looks almost in tears himself.
"I'd tell you that you need to kill me again, but you all seemed so against that the first time. So I guess you're going to have to keep me awake until General Organa figures out what to do." He's trying to make light of the situation, but there's nothing but despair here, and it shows. Finn can't even muster up a smile, and Poe saw him grin on Finalizer when he knows Finn was more than half convinced he was about to die.
"Of course." Finn says immediately. "Of course. I can do that. I can stay awake for days. How can I help?"
"Well nothing's more interesting to me than the sound of my own voice." Poe jokes, and this one does get a smile from Finn, but it's quickly replaced with his determined concern. "I thought I could tell you a little bit more about Yavin 4, and then go from there."
Finn nods. "Yeah, okay." He says. "Tell me about your moon."
So Poe does. He tells him about the jungle and the animals cries that used to keep him awake at night. About growing up in the shadow of the Rebellion, where they could touch the building where people stood against the Empire. About playing as Princess Leia as a child. About the Force-sensitive tree growing in his old front yard. And about how he's like to take Finn there, one day, to see it all.
Eventually Poe runs put of things to say about Yavin 4. He talks about joining the Republic because he wanted to make a difference, and later leaving it for the same reason. He tells Finn about his plans for Black One, and reads aloud from some of the holopads he has lying around. Finn interjects occasionally with questions, but he doesn't speak for any real length of time, seemingly awake that if Poe stops talking for too long, he'll lose his fight with sleep.
When Poe had told General Organa to kill him at the beginning of all of this, it had been because it was the first thing he had thought to do. He was devastated and ashamed of himself that Kylo Ren had managed to use him in the way that he had, but all the information he had given away had been trivial stuff, enough to allow the First Order to evade their reconnaissance, but nothing that had lead to anyone being hurt. When General Organa had offed her solution he hadn't been relieved and was dreading the prospect of being locked away without the stars and open space for an indefinite length of time, but he had accepted it as a viable alternative. And as a punishment, for his forced betrayal. But now, though...
Now there will be casualties. The Resistance will cancel the rescue mission, he knows, and people will continue to suffer, will continue to be worked to their deaths, because Poe warned the First Order and they moved their operations. And he wouldn't do it on purpose, it wouldn't be his fault, except for in all the ways that it would be because of him. But surely, if he can do something, anything to stop it, he should. After all, how would it be any different than flying inside Starkiller and being at least half way sure he was never going to come out again. He's flown missions where he might die before to save people. There's no reason why this should be any different, just because it's planet-side, rather than in a fighter.
Poe thinks about waiting until he or Finn disappear briefly to use the bathroom, waiting until he's not in Finn's line of sight and just doing it. But he can't do that to Finn, can't make Finn find him like that. It would be cruelty, and worse than that. Instead, Poe makes other plans, thinks about stopping himself from sending a transmission another way. Finn would never let him hurt himself, he knows. Sacrifice, for any reason, is not in Finn's nature. But if Finn falls asleep first, there's a chance: a chance that he could break all his fingers or mute himself somehow or something, anything, to stop himself. It's some morbid thinking, he knows, something he wouldn't normally let himself indulge in. Even when he'd known he was going to die on Finalizer, he hadn't really thought about it,. He'd just known that it was what would happen next. But he's tired. He's so tired, and he can't really stop anything right now.
"You know, my dad taught me that you always have to be loyal to the things that you know in your heart are true." Poe starts, and he's not entirely sure where this thought ends, but it seems important, in the same way that getting behind the controls of an X-wing felt important - like not only can he do anything, but he will do everything, like he's one button away from leaving the world behind him. "Finn. You're so good." He says, and stops. "This is coming out wrong." Starts again. "What I'm trying to say, is–. When I saw you for the first time; you, not the Stormtrooper armour. When you took off that helmet. You were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."
There. That was always the way this was going to go. And Poe hears Finn make a kind of choked off sob.
By the time Finn opens his mouth to reply, Poe is already asleep.