Idiot Merlin,
Somewhere, very far away, I know I can hear you. Even as I write this letter – which threatens to tear my heart from my chest – I know I can hear you. Not in my head, nor my ears, but in my heart. Your voice sounds with every beat of it. Calling my name. It's funny really, I never thought I'd liken the sound of you calling my name to my heart pounding. Or the waves crashing. Or anything girly like that. But war does things to men. Men who will never see the walls of our fair city ever again, I daresay.
And neither shall I Merlin. That's why you're receiving this letter. I ordered it to only be sent on the eve of my death. There are some things I promised myself I would say to you whether I lived or died in this pointless war. Should I have lived, they would have been said in person. In the event of my death, they were to be delivered in this letter. Along with a bit of proof, of course. Couldn't have you thinking it was some imposter.
Thinking back, I really should have said these things before I left. Oh well. Nothing for it now.
Anyways, the first thing I want you to know is that you were without a doubt the WORST manservant I ever had. Always cutting yourself on sharp objects, running off to do who knows what, failing your duties, I could go on forever. Unfortunately I don't have forever. Even now the enemy closes in. I just hope you retire from your career of manservant. You'd probably end up killing your master. But soon that won't be an issue. Soon you'll be royalty.
You were the worst manservant I ever had but you were the best friend. That's the second thing I've to tell you. I never could have or would have wished for a better, more loyal friend had I created you myself. I could always trust you to tell me the truth, even when I didn't want to hear it. You would never lie to me unless it was necessary. You would have given your life for mine had I asked. (Not that I ever would.)
I've never seen anyone do parlor tricks as well as you either. World's greatest magician. I should have gotten you a tunic that said such. The magic you could do… blew me away. Every time. No doubt about it. You are the most powerful, talented and skillful sorcerer Camelot has ever known. I don't know how I could have ever thought you were evil. You are nothing but good. And I never want you to forget that.
The warning bells are ringing and the sounds of drums are getting louder. I guess that means I should speed this up, huh?
Another thing that I would never see you forget is one simple truth.
I, Arthur Pendragon, love you Merlin.
There I said it.
All of those insults and jokes were me hiding. I needed to hide behind something. All those angry outbursts were concern. You made me worry. All those smiles and laughs at your expense were genuine. You made me happy. All those times I risked my life to save yours were sincere. I would die a thousand times over if it meant you would live. Sometimes I used to wonder if I had died a thousand times over with how waiting to tell you killed me inside. You served me when I was a Prince and I loved you then. You served me when I was a prat and I loved you then. You served me as a King and I loved you then. You served me as a friend and I loved you then. Even now, I know you're probably sitting on my bed and reading this in the middle of your chores. I love you now. I don't think I will ever stop loving you. I don't think I can. It's just not physically possible. I remember the look on your face when I forbid you from coming to war with me. It nearly broke me to see the hurt in your perfect face.
Even now, I know I hurt you. I don't mean to. Really. I just couldn't go without you knowing these things. Even if I was back in Camelot, I wouldn't take a queen. Camelot would have two kings. And we would find a way to have an heir. As it stands now, I have no heir. That means that as King, I get to appoint someone to the throne.
I, Arthur Pendragon, Knight Commander and King of Camelot, declare you, Merlin, to be the next King of Camelot.
There, that's done. Don't panic please. You'll be fine. I know you will. You're the only one I would trust with the crown. That was another thing I wanted to tell you. If you don't feel the same way, that's fine. Just take this letter, become the king and burn it. I won't be offended. Take a queen for all I care. I just needed to get these things off my chest.
Finally, don't miss me too much. Saying goodbye to you hurts me more than you could ever imagine. I just want you to be happy. Someday we'll see each other again and when that happens, everything will be right again.
Tell Gwen that I'm sorry. Lancelot will take good care of her.
Tell Gaius I thought of him as a father.
If you see her again, tell Morgana that she was always right. She'll know what that means.
Well, I have to go now. The Mercians are closing in. There's only a few of us left so we're going to hold them off as long as we can. You can take care of the few that get by.
I love you Merlin. Don't cry.
You're Prat,
Arthur.
Merlin stared at the offensive piece of parchment with a sense of numbness. The sorcerer couldn't feel the tears fall down his face… his heart breaking in his too-thin chest… nothing. All he could feel was a gaping hole. An emptiness. He knew he would never be able to fill the place Arthur once remained. For now, he sunk down onto his late friend's bed and wept. Gut wrenching sobs wracked his frame. The man he had loved for so very long… was dead. And now he would never know how Merlin felt.
Merlin's coronation was a week later. Just two days later, Arthur's body was retrieved and brought back on his shield. Merlin and Gaius and Gwen buried him privately, with his sword.
The day after the funeral, the remaining Mercians attacked as Arthur's letter said they would. Merlin wiped them off the face of the Earth without so much as a thought.
Merlin would die nearly sixty years later, having never taken a Queen. He named his heir – created through magic – the next King.
And so, as Arthur II began his rule over a magic-filled, peaceful nation, Merlin and Arthur met where they always knew they would for the final time and began to plan their eternity together.
A/N: So this nearly made me cry as I wrote it. The song I was inspired to write this by is called The Wings from the Brokeback Mountain Soundtrack. Please review. =] -Bunny