On a lazy Sunday morning as the rain falls outside, a reminder from the past forces Lindsay to admit her most painful secret, one that she's been carrying around for more than half her life. Oneshot.
Note: I don't know how old Lindsay is supposed to be in the show so I've just gone with Sophia's age. I'll be happy to amend the dates if I'm wrong. This is the first time I've written this couple. I have always been more attached to Ruzek & Burgess, but that's gone to hell so I need something to fall back on! I hope you enjoy my angsty little snapshot of Erin's past.
Sunday Morning
Erin lay awake in Jay's bed listening to the torrential summer rain pound against the window. The downpour woke her up just before 8am, far earlier than she would choose to be awake on a Sunday morning, but as she lay there wrapped in the soft white bed sheets, she found the sound of the rain soothing. Beside her, Jay slept on oblivious. Erin swore he would sleep through the end of the world if it came to it.
Bored of staring at the ceiling, Erin rolled over to face her boyfriend. He looked so peaceful she was reluctant to wake him but craved his company. She leaned in and gave Jay a soft kiss on the lips, stroking his face gently. She smiled.
Halstead reluctantly opened his eyes and blinked, momentarily adapting to the morning light and his surroundings. He caught site of Erin and a smile immediately spread across his face to mirror her own.
"Hey" he said, reaching up to stroke her hair. "What time is it?"
"8. I'm sorry" Erin apologised, "I know it's early."
"Please, that was a perfect way to be woken up. I wanted to get up early anyway, I don't want to waste a single second of our day off."
A mischievous glint sparkled in Erin's eye, the look that drove Jay crazy. "Did you have anything in mind?"
Jay reached out and wrapped his arms around her naked body under the covers, pulling her close to him. "I can think of a few things I'd like to do" he teased back. "None of them involve leaving this apartment."
"Sounds good."
There was a slight chill in the air, unusual for this time of year, and Erin enjoyed the warmth of Jay's body next to hers all the more because of it. She rolled on top of him, tangled in the sheets, and kissed him. They pulled apart and he brushed the hair from her face, his hands lingering on her cheeks for a moment. "Do you want coffee? Breakfast?"
"No" Erin replied simply and kissed him again, her fingers moving through his hair.
Jay grinned. "So that's how this day is going to go eh?"
"Only if you're lucky."
A little later Erin lay in bed alone. Jay's caffeine addiction had forced him out of bed and Erin could hear him in the kitchen putting the coffee on to brew. It had stopped raining now and the sun was trying to break through the cloud that hung over Chicago, strips of sunlight fell across the bed has light shone though the slat blinds from outside. She closed her eyes, wishing to sink back into a blissful sleep.
Jay walked out of the kitchen in his boxers and surveyed the carnage that was his living room. An empty bottle of red wine sat on the coffee table with two glasses, and various items of clothing were strewn over the furniture, a reminder of the evening they'd enjoyed the night before. He picked up the bottle and glasses and kicked his boots to one side so they wouldn't be a trip hazard. He put the glasses in the sink and the bottle in the trash. That was all the tidying he was prepared to do today. Why would he want to spend his one day off doing housework when his beautiful girlfriend was naked in the next room?
A cellphone rang in the living room. Jay retrieved his jacket from the rug in front of the TV and felt the pockets for his phone. It was in there, but it wasn't his phone that was ringing, it was Erin's. The sound was coming from the couch and Jay lifted the cushions one after another to find it. Just as he lifted the last and saw it, the ringing stopped. He looked at the missed call apprehensively, fearing it would be Voight or Antonio calling them both into work but the name that appeared on the screen was simply "Billy." Jay shrugged and set the phone down on the coffee table.
He gently crept to the bedroom door, pushing it open a fraction. Erin lay on her back with her eyes closed breathing gently. Jay wasn't sure if she was asleep or not but was unwilling to take the chance and wake her. He pulled the door closed again and walked softly to the bathroom, checking on the coffee on the way.
Erin felt a kiss brush her forehead and opened her eyes for the second time that morning. Jay's face hovered above her, beads of water glistening on his hair. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and a mug of steaming coffee in each hand.
Erin smiled. "How long was I asleep?"
"Not long" Jay replied. "Here." He held out a mug to Erin and she pulled herself up so she was sitting up in bed.
Jay took a sip of his own coffee before setting it on the night stand and walking over to the window to open the blinds. "Your cell rang a while ago" he said, surveying the street below his apartment building. "Sorry, I couldn't find it to answer it in time."
Erin cupped her hands around her mug. "It wasn't work was it? It would have to be pretty damn important for me to give up my Sunday with you."
Jay turned to face her. "No, it was someone called Billy. I think they sent a text through after." Erin was hit by a wave of nausea and her blood ran cold. She froze, the mug inches from her mouth. Oblivious, Jay was already heading from the room. "Hang on, I'll get it for you."
He reappeared in the doorway a second later and casually tossed Erin's phone so it landed beside her in the mound of bedding. Jay turned to his closet and began rifling through his clothing.
Erin stared at her phone, afraid to touch it. Her coffee was forgotten and her head swam with incoherent thoughts and she couldn't pin them down. What was the date? It wasn't that time of year again was it? She quickly calculated the preceding days in her head. It was. She took a sharp intake of breath.
Her phone had landed face down and the tentatively turned it over. The missed call and new message notifications glared at her from the screen. She scrambled out of bed and snatched up her vest and underwear, rushing from the room before Jay had noticed.
Erin raced to the bathroom and bolted the door, and leaned on the basin breathing heavily. She had been so happy with Jay and distracted by work recently that the day had crept up on her unnoticed. She pulled on her clothes, delaying the inevitable for as long as possible, but finally she plucked up the courage to read the message.
Hey Erin. I'm sorry it's so early. I hope work's going good and you're happy. Marnie and Lucas are both great, you should meet them sometime. Anyway, you don't have to call me back or anything, I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you today. Take care. Billy.
Erin barely had time to process before there was a knock at the bathroom door.
"Are you ok?" Jay's concerned voice came from the other side of the door.
Lindsay put down her phone and turned on the faucet. She splashed cold water on her face and stared at her reflection in the mirror. "Yeah, I'm fine" she replied, but she must not have sounded all that convincing because a knock came again.
"You ran out of the bedroom pretty fast. That message you got, was it bad news?"
Lindsay was touched by Jay's concern. All she wanted to do was run home and hide alone in her apartment and shut out the world, Jay included, but that wouldn't be fair. Not when he was clearly so worried about her. What had she done to deserve this man? She felt so lucky to have him, but a small part of her wondered whether she would still have him once she'd admitted what was wrong.
Erin dried her hands and unlocked the door with a click. Jay was standing in the hall in a t-shirt and sweatpants, his brow furrowed in confusion and worry.
"No bad news" she said, going to him. They wrapped their arms around each other. "A shock from the past, that's all."
"This Billy guy? He's an ex?"
Erin sniffed, burying her face in Jay's shirt. "You could say that."
Jay kissed his girlfriend's hair and hugged her tight wanting to help but confused over her sudden change in demeanour. They held each other a while, Jay offering comfort even though he didn't know why, and Erin fighting with herself over whether to reveal what was really wrong. Eventually she let go of his waist and pulled away, turned and walked back into the living room.
Erin sat down on the sofa and put her head in her hands. She still gripped her phone but put it on the coffee table now. She opened her eyes and stared at the object, a mixture of emotions conjured within her.
Jay sat down beside her and placed his hand on the small of her back. He rubbed her skin tenderly. Erin shivered and Jay pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa and draped it around her shoulders. She only sat there numbly. Jay didn't say anything, torn between wishing to reassure her and being afraid of prying into something that was none of his business if she wasn't ready to let him in.
Erin smiled sadly and pulled the blanket further around her shoulders. "I'm sorry, that name... A reminder form the past. It kind of knocked me backwards."
"Whatever it is, you can tell me." Jay gently nudged her, testing the waters. He didn't want to push but sensed that Lindsay needed to get whatever it was off her chest. He knew how difficult it was for her to really trust someone, he wanted more than anything to be that person for her. "Baby, you can tell me."
A tear slid down Erin's cheek.
Halstead laid a box of tissues and a glass of water on the coffee table and sat back down. Lindsay wiped a tear from her face and reached for the box. "Thanks."
"Erin, you don't have to tell me what's wrong but I want you to know that you can if you want to. I will listen and I won't judge."
Erin laughed a short laugh. "You might not be saying that when I tell you" she said.
"Don't be silly, nothing could make me think less of you."
Jay's words did nothing to allay her fears, but Erin brushed them aside. This wonderful man was coaxing her to bear her heart and she couldn't refuse him.
"You were right, Billy's an ex. But I haven't seen him in a decade, you don't have anything to worry about." Erin balled up the tissue in her fist, her fingers fidgeting with the paper as she thought of what to say next.
"I'm worried about you" said Jay, inching closer on the couch and venturing to put and arm around her shoulders. Erin sighed.
"We speak on this day every year" Erin said, turning her eyes to meet Jay's. "It's the day we lost our baby."
Jay did his best to hide his shock but he had to confess it was difficult. "How come you've never told me this before?"
Erin regarded him frankly. "I've never told anyone this before, not even Hank and Camille. Billy was the only one who knew. And Bunny found out too, I guess, though she was so doped up at the time I doubt she even remembers." Lindsay ran her fingers through her hair and closed her eyes. She opened them again slowly, reluctantly. "They wouldn't release me from the hospital without a guardian, not that my Mom was in any fit state to look after me."
Jay's mind worked overtime, trying to catch up with what Erin was saying. "A guardian? How old were you?"
A pained expression crossed Erin's face, as if telling the truth would change everything about their relationship. That was the last thing she wanted, but having come this far and admitted so much already, she could hardly stop now. "Jay" she began, then had to stop as the words caught in her throat. Finally she took a deep breath. "I was 13."
Jay gasped, he couldn't help it. Erin crumpled forward. Having kept this secret for so long, finally talking about it out loud again was more than she could handle and she sobbed into her lap. Jay put his arms around her and pulled her into him. If there was a way to shield her from hurt already caused he would have done anything in the moment to find it. But all he could do was hold her and let her cry.
They sat across from each other at the kitchen table a while later, when Erin had no more tears left. Erin picked up her glass of water and sipped it slowly. "Do you want to talk about it?" Jay asked.
Erin nodded. "Yes. I don't want to have any secrets from you." She set the glass down on the table.
"What happened?"
Erin took a long deep breath, preparing herself to relive the most traumatic period of her life to date. "Billy was a guy from the neighbourhood. His home life was just as messed up as mine. We didn't go to school a lot, we just hung around his place or mine most days. We thought we were so grown up, we kind of had to be with our parents not being around much. We just started fooling around and one thing lead to another" Erin trailed off, not wanting Jay to get the wrong idea. "He didn't force himself on me or anything. It didn't happen right away either. I wish someone would have stopped us but there was no one who was paying enough attention who would notice. It was a bad time, but Billy was kind to me. He was about the only person who was."
Jay sat perfectly still on the other side of the table, watching the sunlight illuminate Erin's face. He didn't say a word, he only listened.
"The day I found out I was pregnant the first thing I did was swipe a bottle of Vodka from my Mom's kitchen and head to the park. I'd stolen a pregnancy test from the drug store and locked myself in the bathroom while she had people downstairs. The police found me passed out on a bench and dragged me home." Erin had been staring at the table, but looked up at Jay. "I didn't know what to do. I was a kid, I wasn't mature enough to deal with any of it, so I tried to ignore it hoping it would go away." She couldn't but laugh at the last statement. "I guess it did."
"Billy came round that night, he climbed through my bedroom window like always and I told him. And he hugged me. He didn't say a word, he just hugged me. We had no idea what to do. We were children; we had no business having sex that young, no way were we prepared for the consequences. Between looking after my junkie Mom and just trying to get through the day, I didn't have the chance to decide what I wanted to do. But in the end, the universe decided for us. I had a miscarriage."
Erin wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her hoodie. She had been so lost in her thoughts she hadn't even noticed she was crying. Jay stood up and walked around the table, crouching on the floor beside her. Erin pushed her chair away and turned to face him. "They were the worst 3 weeks of my life" she said. "I went a little crazy."
Jay grabbed both of Erin's hands which rested in her lap and squeezed them reassuringly. "I'm not surprised. No one should have to go through that."
Erin nodded. "That was when things started to get really bad for me. I know you've read my rap sheet. I was a thief. I got into fights, started taking drugs... I was about two steps away from being thrown in juvi when Hank came to my rescue."
"But you never told him?"
Erin shook her head. "I was ashamed. I knew what people would think of me. I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, been involved with a lot of men I shouldn't have, but Billy treated me well, I didn't want him to get into trouble. He's turned his life around now. He's married, he lives in Boston. He has a little boy, 3 years old." Erin smiled sadly. She still had affection for this boy, appreciated what he'd done for her years ago. They were both struggling back then, they did the best they could and clinged to each other as if in a storm. She would return his call, she owed it to him.
Jay stood up, his legs beginning to cramp. Erin stood too and they faced each other. "I'm sorry for ruining our romantic day off" Lindsay said.
"Don't be silly."
She brought her hand up, her palm covering her face and her voice rose in volume and pitch as she tried to fight back fresh tears. Tears of relief at getting this secret off her chest after so many years, tears of anguish at what might happen to her relationship now that the truth was out, and tears of pain as her mind transported her back instantly to 20 year before when she felt so desperate and alone. "I'm a mess, Jay. A freakin' mess. I wouldn't blame you if you ran a mile."
"You're the strongest person I've ever met, I'm not going anywhere."
"If you'd known me back then you wouldn't be saying that."
"I think if I'd known you back then I'd be even more in awe of you now and how far you've come." Erin let out a disbelieving laugh and as if to prove his words were true, Jay enveloped her into his arms. "Stop that" he said over the top of her head. "You're amazing, don't you forget it."
Erin shrunk in Jay's arms and he rubbed her back soothingly. When Erin spoke, her voice was muffled against Jay's chest. "Thank you. For always being there for me. I keep waiting for the day I screw up so badly that you give up on me."
"Not gonna happen."
"I'm sorry I'm such hard work."
"Hey" Jay gently pushed Erin away so he could see her face. "Stop apologising. This thing happened forever ago. You've been through so much and pulled yourself out of it."
"You pulled me out."
"You're giving me too much credit. It's all you." Jay held Erin's arms and stared straight into her eyes. He wanted to make sure she heard him, believed every word. She looked into his eyes, filled with such sincerity that a little piece of her started to see herself the way Jay did. "The more I learn about your past, the more I admire you. I am so proud of you."
Jay took Erin by the hand and led her back to the living room and the comfort of his couch. He sat down and pulled her onto his lap, laying the blanket over both of them. It felt so good to have her in his arms, he never wanted to let go. He was overwhelmed by this woman, felt so lucky that she had chosen him as her confidant. He didn't pretend to understand how hard it was for her to open her heart to him, he hoped that he could live up to that honour.
Erin kissed him. "I love you" she said simply, and holding his cheek, she kissed him again. She took a deep breath and reached around to pick up her phone on the sofa beside them. She opened her missed calls list and stared at Billy's name. In Jay's arms, she felt as though she could face anything.
She pressed dial and the phone began to ring.