Hey. Sorry for disappearing, but I was on vacation and it is really difficult to post on an iPad. But, here was a thing I got while being on the road for five hours each day.
He was so still. So still, lying on the hospital bed. You could barely look at him without feeling guilt.
If only you had found out the truth sooner.
When the doctor came to tell you there was no hope, you snapped. Yelled even. You knew that it wasn't fair, but when he said that there was nothing to do. For you to just sit around while he was dying made you so angry. He was still alive!
Couldn't the doctor see that?
Then he had asked you to give up.
You would never, ever do that. Not while there was still a chance.
You couldn't just sit there and watch him die. You can't just sit there and feel like a useless idiot who can't let go. Can't just let him die.
You'd rather die instead.
So then, you pray. You pray to Cas to anyone who would listen because there was still hope and you were never going to give up.
Ever.
When nobody replies, you feel like giving up.
No hope.
You were so friggin' stupid.
Who would want to help you?
Not you - the person who couldn't even protect the people you loved.
But you couldn't give up.
Your job, your whole life, has been spent helping people saving people, keeping them alive.
Keeping him alive.
Then Ezekiel arrives and you nearly feel relieved even though you know better.
Cas calls and you feel so relieved, you ask Cas to come because he can make it all better.
Yes, Cas can fix this, he'll always come through.
You try not to feel disappointed when he says he has no power, and betrayed when he says he will not come.
Because of another angel.
You try not to let disgust color your tone when you accept that Cas isn't coming.
You do, however, feel hope when Cas says Ezekiel can be trusted.
A good soldier, Cas said.
Ezekiel comes into the room with you and you feel like something is finally going right. Everything would be okay.
You finally feel like this was going to get resolved happily for once.
Ezekiel reveals that he can't help, that the damage is too intense and you feel like screaming.
What use was he if he couldn't heal?
If only you had tried harder to kill that hellhound when you had gotten the chance.
If only you had found out earlier.
If only you had tried harder somehow.
There had to be another way to save him. There had to be, there was always another way.
Ezekiel says that he could heal him, that there was another way, and you could kiss him. You really could.
But you won't and you squash that down deep.
Then Ezekiel says that he would have to possess your brother in order to heal from the inside.
The first reaction you had was horror.
Possession had always been a bad thing, but during the Apocalypse days it had become worse.
Possession was never going to happen, especially with your brother. Not after Lucifer, not after the who knows how many years in the Cage. Not after being possessed by a demon all those years ago.
He was never going to relinquish control to someone so they could control his body and he would be forced to watch as they did things he couldn't stop.
You laughed and said so.
He was never going to say yes.
It was the only reason the Earth was still alive so far.
But if he didn't say yes, if he didn't agree...
He was going to die.
That was unacceptable. That was not an option, that was never an option, not when it came to you.
It was your job. Your purpose, and you would be damned (again!) if he ever died.
Again.
You had failed before, hadn't you?
Watched as the knife slipped through his back and held his cold dead body.
You had watched and cried and yelled in anger at his dead body. Two days of inescapable grief and anger.
Two days of being so, so alone and you hated yourself for not being better.
Never again.
But he'll hate you. A little voice at the back of his head said, Hate you for ever and ever and ever.
Possession is the worst thing, not being in control of your own body, of your mind.
You knew that.
You knew that, you did, you really really did, but your brother was dying.
Dying while you could still do something, anything to stop it.
Anything at all, your brother would never be dead.
You had promised to yourself, never again.
Never again, never again, never again.
"He'll never say yes." You say.
"Your brother will die if he isn't healed."
It was wrong.
Wrong, bad, evil even.
You remembered how Lucifer had been and shuddered. You couldn't even begin to imagine how it had been for him.
Ezekiel, wanting you to make your decision, showed you your brother's mind.
You stepped back, reeling.
How?
How could your brother want to die?
Leave you?
Again.
Hadn't you both agreed that he would live?
Hadn't you said that there was nothing you wouldn't do to keep him safe? Alive?
It stung like betrayal and you caught Ezekiel's eyes.
Your brother wanted to die.
"Your brother would say yes to you."
Would he?
You remembered the night of the church, and he would.
He would say yes to you.
But that would be tricking him.
Tricking him into staying alive. The voice says. Lying to him so you won't be alone.
You tell it to shut up.
Wasn't possession about permission? Wasn't it about consensual agreement?
It would be completely subversive of everything you and him and Cas had stood for.
Team Free Will.
It was a stupid name.
You looked back at your brother for the first time in ages and your heart stopped.
He was so still.
So pale.
He looked like he was already dead.
Death was unacceptable. It was one of the rules that your brother stay alive no matter what.
Even if he had to be tricked into it.
Even if you had to lie for the rest of your life to your brother, the one person you should never have to lie to.
You've tried that once. Hadn't you?
Lies never ended well.
But him being alive was more important.
But he would hate you when he found out.
If he found out.
For one terrible moment you contemplated never letting your brother know.
You immediately dismissed the thought; you would be honest with your brother.
Not so honest if you're lying to him.
You ignored the thought.
He would hate you. Never trust you again. Might even renounce you as a brother.
Your heart thudded painfully. He would never do that. Right?
You were brothers, family. Family was always the most important, you would always, always do anything for him.
And he would too.
You knew that, it was law. You and he would always do anything for each other.
One would always save the other, and that was that.
It was what helped you stand against all the monsters, the Apocalypse, Lucifer, Leviathans, everything.
You loved each other dammit and it would never ever change. Not even the friggin' End of the World had changed that.
But you had doubts.
But this might. This might make him leave for good and you would be alone, and that was a fear that would never see the light of day.
You hoped.
The thought that you would not be brothers anymore.
Alone.
The thought sends you into a panic.
Not alone, alone in the never ending darkness and not a light in sight.
Not alone, alone with only water to breathe and you're drowning.
Not alone, all alone, set adrift with no purpose - never needed and you're nothing.
Nothing at all without your brother.
You have never been really alone, not really.
Except for the times you prefer not to think about.
Stanford.
Cold Oak.
Hell.
Apocalypse World.
Lisa and Ben.
Purgatory.
Of those, all of them had been without your brother.
Without your brother, you're alone.
Of those, the time with Lisa and Ben was probably the best.
But there was always the knowledge that he was stuck with Lucifer in the Cage.
Was that how he felt when you were in Hell?
You wonder about the four months, forty years of Hell. You were both alone then.
You never ever want to be alone again.
The Trials were a way for him to be safe.
Safe, without any demons to hover over him.
You were supposed to do it and it would have been perfect.
Perfect with him growing old and a wife and kids and a picket fence and even that stupid dog he had.
Without you.
It wouldn't matter if he was alive. It wouldn't matter because he would be happy enough for the both of you and that would've been the best ending you could imagine.
But he would leave.
You don't want to be alone.
But the job.
But the life you had spent keeping him safe.
But ever repeating mantra; Keep your brother safe. Put him first.
Always, always first.
Always keeping him safe.
It was your job.
Your purpose.
Would you really be so selfish to let your brother die just so he won't die hating you?
No.
Never.
"Do it." You say and the other angels arrive.
You distract them so your brother would be safe, without a second thought.
Later, when you're walking out of the hospital with Ezekiel riding in your brother's body, you have second thoughts.
Your brother acting like that, it was wrong and you felt unnerved at the very sight. It was so much like Lucifer and it was so wrong and you nearly wanted to take your permission back. To tell Ezekiel to get lost. To leave because this wasn't right, not at all, ever never would it be right; tricking someone into getting possessed.
Especially your brother.
But one thing stops you.
One thing shouldn't be enough, what with the various reasons why Ezekiel shouldn't be here, but it was. It was more than enough reason for you to make the same decision a thousand times over.
A million.
Enough for you to make the same decision even if he left, even if he hated you for the rest of his life, you would do it.
One thing stopped you.
Sam's dead body all those years ago.
Hands up if you can sorta understand Dean now.
~Cyfir