Behind Everyone

I used to be a third rail, but I'm not one now. Good news right? Sure is, now I'm the fourth rail. Not only am I a fourth rail only to my girlfriends, but also to my boyfriends. This is sure the best life anyone can have. Yeah right, that might be the reason I'm crying right now in a small room, curling myself into a small ball, trying to write this shit. Maybe shit ain't the right term for what I'm writing right now, but that's sure what I am feeling.

Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Orihime Inoue, I go to Bleach Middle School. Yeah, only an eighth grader, already feeling like I wanna die, already hating the world in every way I can. Maybe I can become an emo. That won't be that bad, then I can be like my two other friends. Slit, slit, that might be fun, watching the red stuff oozing out of me. That might be a way to get out my pain…

Back to my point, now that I'm a fourth rail, I'm not sure whether I should feel good or bad. For those of you who don't know what's a third or fourth rail, I'll tell you now. Third rail is when there are three friends that are really close to each other, and your part of it, but also the one being left out the most. Fourth rail has a similar meaning; it's when there are four friends that are really close to each other, you are the fourth one, the one being left out and ignored the most. I guess you can't call them my friend or someone precious, or someone that I care about, but it's like I'm in their section, usually talk with them. In seventh grade, it was just us three, but as we turn into an eighth grader, another one joins, leaving me as the outcast, as always, no matter how much they deny this.

They don't understand how much pain they put me through, and how much this "friendship" is killing me, even right at this moment. Friends, like the world have such thing. I still remember when I was young, I've always wished for a best friend that would think of me first and understand me. But now that I've grown up, I know that there's no such thing as best friends, they don't exist. People, friends, family, they are just people who happened to pass by your life, a picture that moves, talks, and feels. They pass by eventually, and all you can depend on is yourself, so you have to be strong, because there's no one else there to support you, even though they said they would. Life is a lie, nobody is innocent.

I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, I hate this world, and I still will. I don't understand why God bring me to life, why bother bringing anyone to life. Just to feel the torture in the world? Just to torture yourself? Why live? I pity anyone that lives on this fucking ass world. Why the hell do I exist!?

Today, is the day I finally realize something, finally became a butterfly at something. I realized that now I'm a fourth wheel, even more of a loner, have to become even more dependent on myself. Have to prove to this world that even a puny me can one day become successful, that even with no one there I can be a somebody.

Tomorrow is the test to get into Bleach High, not sure will I get in or not. I really want to, but I'm too dumb. I'm not resting up like the teachers said; instead, I'm writing this thing about my stupid fucking retarded life.

"Ichigo, who are you going with to Bleach High tomorrow?" I asked.

"With Rukia and Chad," He replied.

He didn't even ask me, and I thought we are friends. The next freaking thing he said with his ugly bitchy mouth is whether I wanna go with him or not. So I see, I'm asked like he's forced to ask me, like I'm last on his mind. Yeah, no is my reply. I can't go with someone who's like that, who didn't really wanna go with me, and ask me last out of all the people in this world… I feel so damn betrayed. We went to Soul Society together and endured so much together and in the end, I'm nothing…

Then, I asked my best friend, I mean the person I usually talked to, Tasuki, and asked her who she's going with. I was expecting a "nobody" because she didn't ask me yet. What came out of her mouth was the saddest thing that I heard the entire day today.

"I'm going with Chizuru Honshō and Mahana Natsui. Okay, okay, I know it's weird to go with the school lesbian, but she's the one driving us, and Mahana Natsui said that she didn't want to walk, she wants to ride in a car," was what Tasuki said to me.

That's it; my life is coming to the very, very, very, very, very, very dead end. Even my "best" friend didn't ask me. Tasuki, Chizuru Honshō, and Mahana Natsui. I thought we were once friends, still now, but it's only you three, not including me now.

"Orihime, you wanna come?" she asked with a genuine face.

I dashed out the door without even replying, without looking at her. I was pissed off, confused, alone, and sad. My heart can hold so much emotions at once, and my eyes can hold a bundle of tears at once too.

"Orihime, Orihime!" Tasuki screamed, calling me back.

"What!?" I called back, running away faster than ever, shaking my head.

"Orihime, Orihime!" She screamed again.

But I was already out of the range of her screams.