She reached for the scissors with a thousand of thoughts all rushing towards her at once. Like a bullet train hitting her right in the heart. Speeding by leaving behind all the pain. She needed this. She needed to let it all go. And this was the only way how, at least that's what she thought. That is what she had hoped.
For years she has been writing it all in her diary. Quotes and feelings that she had to get out. But it wasn't cutting it anymore(Pun intended). She needed something better. It wasn't enough to just hide herself in her room anymore and repeating and repeating song lyrics over and over again, hoping that everything will just fade away and that she would wake up from this crazy nightmare.
How could people be so mean? How could they live there lives knowing that they were hurting someone else? She hated being talked about and laughed at and- She hated everybody! She hated what they did and who they were and what they did to her. How they made her feel. She hated the feeling that they gave her. She hated that they could even make her feel at all.
She never liked feeling and emotions. They were useless. All they did was hurt you. Make you feel less about yourself than you already were.
Sure there had been some people who had tried to help her throught it. But didn't they understand that she was a bomb just waiting to explode? There was nothing that could stop her. Or better yet, No one. No matter how hard they tried. Holding her in the middle of the night while she screamed and cried bloody murder. And not even because she had a nightmare, but because she woke up.
Did they want me to just tell them all that I was okay? Was that the right answer? Would pretending to be fine just automatically make her fine? Would it solve all her problems? To just be- fine? But it was all pilling up. She was tired of being fine. She was tired of being okay. Of putting up an act.
Did any of them know what it was like to not want to get out of bed every single morning? Did any of them know what it felt like to dread life itself? Did they know how hard she had cried at night because of what they all did? The rude comments and all the hate.
Ugly.
Fat.
Worthless.
All just going in and out of her head. Taking a blow at her heart over and over again. A sword going in and out, very slowly. Making her weaker and weaker. But they didn't care, none of them did. Because they were all so ignorant. They didn't care about anybody but themselves.
She was tired. So god damn tired. Was it too much to ask to go to sleep and never wake up? To just all of a sudden wake up and realize it was just a dream and find out she was someone else and live a happy life were everything was perfect. Were she was good enough. Were she didn't have to pretend.
But she had to wake up. She had to wake up every morning and deal with what was going to come with that day. She had to live her miserable life and tell herself that it was all just some sick and twisted joke. Because that's what her life was. A joke.
So... She grabbed the scissors and she gave them a long look... And then she took them to her wrist. She sliced. She sliced so hard that she didn't feel the pain. She felt numb. No emotions. No problems. And that was better than anything she has felt in years. So she sliced again. She sliced all the way to her elbow and then went to the next arm. And when both arms were filled she went to her stomache.. And then to her legs...
She sliced back and forward as if she was playing a violin. One with a very haunting medley.
No turning back now. And she would continue this. She would go to school and they would still make fun of her. Not knowing that she went home everyday and cut into her skin what they all told her.
Ugly.
Fat.
Worthless.
She hid it pretty well too. Her parents didn't know. As long as she wore long sleeves and pants, she was good. She was protected. And she could continue the act that she was fine. That everything was okay. Because she had found a way to turn off her humanity switch. The one switch that made all her emotions go away.
No one saw how much she was suffering. Because they didn't know. They didn't see. They simply didn't care.
Life sucks so much.