Disclaimer: I don't own The Rocky Horror Picture Show

A/N: So, here's the first part of a weird parody of RHPS that's about nerds. It's go references to many nerdy things, and one of the characters occasionally sings in Elven (Quenya). Enjoy!

Dramatis Persona:

Lorraine Summer – a TrekGeek. Cute, blonde.

Dwight Barclay (named after geeky, annoying Lt. 'Barclay' from TNG) – a sci fi nerd. He's so nerdy it's a shock he's dating anyone - especially pretty little Lorraine.

Tim the Scientist – a crossdressing mad scientist who came to earth to make sexbots without his planet's government finding out. While he's figuring all the mechanics out he finds a few 'real' lovers.

Annika (after Annika Hansen, aka 7-of-9, who was VOY's Miss Fanservice and played by an ex-Playboy Bunny) - Frank's greatest fangirl (well, fan-service girl). Seems like one of those girls who squeals over Orlando Bloom and ignores the actual plot of LotR. Later, in her 'I hate you' speech, she proves herself to be very nerdy

Wesley – a pathetic kid who's only seen TOS and isn't a real nerd. Therefore, he must die and be eaten by the aliens. Dude, his name is Wesley!

Jade – the servant girl. Broody, dark, incestuously involved with Lucas. Looks a bit like Leia, if Leia died her dark brown hair the reddish shade Mara Jade Skywalker's is. Also way hotter than Carrie Fisher.

Lucas – her brother/lover. Sometimes only sane man, sometimes a total wacko. Looks somewhat like Mark Hamill before the motorbike crash. Buffy fan.

The Book – basically, the Hitchhiker's Guide filling in for the Criminologist. Talks like Stephen Fry.

Buffbot- basically Rocky Horror but a bit smarter (like in the play). He, like Data, is 'fully functional'. Very much so.

Dr. Alec Crusher – he's a very clever scientist who once tutored both Lorraine and Dwight. In fact, he set them up for their first date. And he's in a wheelchair due to an accident involving a DeLorean and twin pine trees...

NOTE: Alec Crusher & Wesley double. Lucas, Jade, and Annika also play the Shady Nerds during the song 'Dammit Lorraine'.

Prologue (sung by Jade as the Hardcore Trekkie Chick):

Anakin was mentally ill

Yet somehow a Jedi still

At least the emperor knew what to do

And was Barclay there

Though we really don't care

Michael J. Fox drove a DeLorean

Then something went wrong

For Luke, Leia, and Han

They got caught in a trash compactor!

Then, at a deadly pace

Samwise got hit in the face

And when he awoke he said...

[Chorus]

Science Fiction, Film Feature

Frodo Baggins will lose a finger

See borg drones fighting

Anakin Skywalker

Jar Jar fucks up

The Stars Wars Saga

At the late night,

Really nerdy film-show!

I know the dropped a bridge on Kirk

Which really shouldn't work

When they needed to kill him off for good

And I nearly was ill

When I saw the Holiday special

It made Lucas wanna kill!

Luke said Imperial goons

Built Vader a moon

It was really a space station!

But when trees you hit it

Said Tom B. to hobbits

I'm gonna give you some lovely pipe-weed

You'll dream a...

[Chorus]

Science Fiction, Film Feature

Doctor X caruva ulundo

Ela androids mahtanë

Dwight ar Lorraine

Ann Francis eleni mi

Forbidden Planet

Sé i telwa mórë,

Really nerdy film-show!

I wanna go...

See a late night

Really nerdy film show

By Lucasfilms

See a late night

Really nerdy film show

Not a remake!

See a late night

Really nerdy film show...

Scene 1:

[Outside a house in the evening, around sunset. Music can be heard from inside the house]

[Dwight and Lorraine standing there. She's holding a bouquet of flowers]

Lorraine: oh, wasn't it lovely! Didn't Deanna look lovely in that dress?

Dwight: yes, it's a good thing they didn't try to host a Betazoid style ceremony

Lorraine: definitely! I would've vomited.

[beat]

Dwight: So... Lorraine?

Lorraine: Yes?

Dwight: I've got something to say... I really like the, um, skillful way you beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet! Very Jedi-like.

Lorraine: Oh, Dwight!

Dwight [singing]: Oh! The brandywine was deep but I swam it!

Shady Nerds: Lorraine!

Dwight: The future is ours, so let's plan it

Shady Nerds: Lorraine!

Dwight: So please don't tell me to can it!

Shady Nerds: Lorraine!

Dwight: I've one thing to say and that's dammit, Lorraine, I love you!

Lorraine: Oh!

Dwight: [hands her a ring that looks like the One Ring] Here's the ring to prove that I'm not the Joker! There's three ways love can go... that's Kirk-Spock, Joker-Harley, or bisexual! Oh! L-O-R-A-I-N, I love you so!

Lorraine: Oh! It's nicer that Deanna had! Now we're engaged and I'm so glad. You know and know Adar! I've one thing to say and that's Dwight, I'm rúsëa... for you too!

Dwight: Dammit Lorraine...

Lorraine: Dwight... I'm rúsëa.

Dwight: I love you

Lorraine: I know.

Scene 2:

[Hitchhiker's Guide theme music plays]

Guide's Voice: this is the story of two very geeky people. It's a fascinating tale worthy of an actual film, not this cheap nonsense. Anyway, it seemed a fairly ordinary night when Dwight Barclay and his fiancé Lorraine Summer left Vulcan that evening to visit a Dr. Alec Crusher – ex-tutor and friend to both of them.

It's true that there were dark storm clouds in the sky – that looked almost exactly unlike imperial – toward which they were driving. Being the sort of people they were, they wouldn't let a mere storm ruin their evening. Stormtroopers on the other hand…

Anyway, it was a night out.

A night out they'd remember for a very long time!

Scene 3:

[In car, w/ Radio playing 1970s HHG2TG radio show]

[Car stops and radio turns off]

Dwight: Hmm. I think we took a wrong fork a few miles back

Lorraine: Oh. Well, nobody can be as good as Han Solo when it comes to navigation

[Both chuckle]

Dwight: We'd better go ahead up the road and see-

[Loud bang!]

Lorraine: Oh! Are there any imperial Stormtroopers out there?

Dwight: Don't be silly, Lorraine. That was the tire – not a blaster firing

[Scary lightning]

Dwight: Er, Lorraine... you'd better stay here and keep warm while I go for help.

Lorraine: Where will you go for help? We're lost in the middle of nowhere! Like Voyager.

Dwight: No, we aren't. Didn't we pass a castle a few miles back? I'll go there.

Lorraine: I'm going with you!

Dwight: There's no point in the both of us getting rained on.

Lorraine: I'm coming with you. Besides, the owner of that phone might be an alien and I wouldn't want you to get abducted without me.

Dwight: Ha! That's highly unlikely.

[Music begins]

Lorraine:

Mí lissë i mornië, mí morna lómë

Silma… Tás ná rilya elen

Ui erma mana hya man nárldë

Tás ná calina

Or sé i Frankensteinnomë

Tás ná calina

Uryar mí urúvanomë

Tás ná calina… calina mi i mornië mi ilquen coivie

Ní lertacen i andon, ní lertacen i mistë

Ta ná i imya

tás nirmë ná, sinomë mára len ar nin

Tás ná calina

Or sé i Frankensteinnomë

Tás ná calina

Uryar mí urúvanomë

Tás ná calina… calina mi i mornië-

Dwight: English, please.

Lorraine: Sorry. You know I have a tendency to sing in Quenya when feeling inspired...

[CUT to them standing in front of castle's door]

Lorraine: Oh! Let's go back. I'm cold and I'm frightened.

Dwight: Just wait a minute. They might have a telephone.

[Rings doorbell]

[Beat.]

[Door opened by Lucas]

Lucas: Hello

Dwight: Hi! My name is, uh, Dwight Barclay… this is my fiancé, Lorraine Summer… our car broke down a little ways back… do you have a phone we might use?

Lucas: Summers? Like Buffy Summers?

Lorraine: Summer. No 's'

[Crash of lightning]

Lucas: Hmm, I think you'd better come inside.

Lorraine: you're too kind.

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