For a reason was not asked.
The night time was the hardest part, to know that he wasn't with him, he was with her. He loved her, cared for her in a way he would never care for him. He would take her out to dinner, for hours they would talk, for hours they would laugh. Then he drove her home, they sat in the car for a while, and then they walked into HER house. No need to spy on them there, pretty obvious what they were doing in there. The night time was the hardest part, just to know he wasn't with me, he was with her.
Sometimes I regret all of our fighting, all of our arguments. But then again, that's what makes us, us. That's what connects us, what keeps us together. I guess in some screwed up way, that makes us friends. But in the little time I push him of the edge, over the edge and the edge is just a small dot, he turns. His eyes become black, the way he represents him self loses it's protectiveness, he becomes free. Unbound to problems, unbound to life, unbound to HER. And with me, he never has to hold back…never.
The way he protected us, protects us always. Even with Chase, even though he had only himself to look out for, he risked it all…not for him, never for him…but for us. For sometimes it seems that he'd give anything to make sure we're alright. The way he tries to protect me, thinking I'm going to get addicted to the power. Even though, I fight him on the matter, I know he's right. Damn him for always being right.
So on a Wednesday I finally had the courage. I might as well through away my entire reputation if I didn't. If I didn't dare to finally do it. Even though this might sound all mighty and shit, at first I chickened out. I made him angry, I pushed him over for the millionth time. His eyes turned black and a power wave came over me. Before I knew it, there I was lying on the ground in the ally behind Nicky's. That was the first time I tried to tell him. Failed.
Friday didn't went much better. I didn't made him angry, but this time upset. I couldn't keep my mouth shut about Chase. Telling him that Chase might come back, seeing the fact they never found a body and all. I should have known better, I know how he reacts to anything concerning Chase. So there was my second try and failed attempted to tell him I love him. Failed again.
Sunday we all hanged out at Caleb's. I tried to tell him again, I guess you could call that failed attempt number 3. Just when I was about to tell him Pogue came storming in, with his brilliant plan to go for a swim. After that I couldn't tell him anymore, the rest of the day I spent admiring him. The way he looked, because if anyone looks amazingly sexy in way to tight swim trunks, it's defiantly him. Failed again.
Monday I sat next to him in one of the many boring classes we have to take. I wrote out an entire note when he was gone to the bathroom. When he came back he immediately asked me what I wrote down, me not being one to take notes of what the professor says, I gave the worst possible answer, while I stumbled over my words. This time I told myself that it was not appropriate to tell someone you love him in class. Especially if that person is your best friend and it may come as a shock. No real need to add this but still: failed again.
But as some kind of miracle Tuesday came. It was already quite late, after 10 I think. I finally got fed up with it, I speeded to his house. He opened, of course he opened it's not like his mother would open the door, the only thing she would open is a bottle of whiskey. He looked like heaven standing there. I walked in, we went to his bedroom and I took a place on his bed. He still hadn't asked me what I was doing there at well in the evening. I stumbled over my words as I forced myself to finally let it out, finally tell him I loved him. As I finished with a 'I love you' he didn't even flinch. He just smiled at me, still not saying anything. I felt down, defeated, I just told him I loved him, and he just sat there. Finally I walked over to him and kissed him. He didn't held me back or anything. When I left him some space to breathe all he said was: "I love you too man, but I'm with Sarah, I like girls." I felt like my world was about to give in. I walked out of there, and raced back home. Where I believe I spent a good week, a good week all alone, not wanting to see anyone.
In that week every little minute was the hardest one. No longer were only the nights tormenting me, but every single minute of every single day. As every one of those minutes reminded me that he was with her. That she could kiss him, that he would hold her, that he would love her. That in the middle of the night, he would go see her, always her.
But even though it was horror that week, I came out of my room as the minutes were slowly driving me insane. When I opened my door there he was. The only one that could make me feel this way. He kisses me, not like I kissed him the first time but, with passion, with love. I looked him in his beautiful eyes. I can't tell you how many thoughts ran through my mind at that time. "But I thought you were with Sarah?" I asked him. He looked at me and the only answer I got from him, I ever got from him was: "Not anymore." I tried again: "But.." I never got to finish my sentence though, he cut me off simply saying: "Between friends, no reason is needed, so do not asked for one."
Four years later I finally realize what that means, as now I love someone so much that what ever he needs, what ever he wants, I'll give him that. No reason asked, no explanation needed. Finally I realized that that was what he meant, he loved us, me, so much he'd do anything for us, me, no explanation needed, no reason asked. He's a wise one, he's mine!