It was six months until Naruto found Sasuke again.
This time, like before, it was in an underground cavern – a maze of stone walls, moss and dirt. They split up in pairs once they entered the snake's domicile – Sai and Naruto, Sakura and Yamato. Though, it wasn't long before Naruto managed to shake off Sai. He wanted to face Sasuke alone.
It was personal.
Instead, when he burst into the underground grotto, hollering Sasuke's name, he found that his raven-haired friend was not alone. In fact, the boy was with the snake, on his knees, on the floor... naked. Naruto stood there, eyes wide in horror – and watched as Orochimaru, hands on Sasuke's porcelain hips, pumping for his life.
And so, he fled.
But what his legs could escape from, his mind could not. And after three nights of uninterrupted dreams of homo-love, of Sasuke's glistening forehead, Orochimaru's drooling mouth and Sasuke's deep echoing voice commanding "Faster! Deeper! Squeeze me!", Naruto decided: yes, there could be only one solution to this relentless nightmare – it was time to stop sleeping.
"Kiddo, you've really got to get some sleep," Kakashi leaned forward, concerned at the increasing ring of dark circles growing under his blonde pupil's eyes. It was yet another night that Naruto had called up his one-eyed sensei to keep him company in a nearby late night cafe. "You look terrible, Naruto."
"One more!" Naruto waved his hand, signalling his empty cup of coffee to the waitress.
Kakashi sighed. "Naruto... I know that this must be really hard on you... I mean... your relationship with Sasuke... to find him betraying you like this..."
"What?" Naruto stared blearily at Kakashi, as the blasé waitress filled up his cup with a dark Sumatra blend. "Sensei, what are you on about?"
"It's okay Naruto," Kakashi touched his student's hand gently, his voice kind. "People move on. You will move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea, love in the world. You're not alone, you know that?"
Naruto spat out his coffee and glared at Kakashi. "Hold up, whoa, wait a second... you.. you think I'm in love with Sasuke?"
"Kiddo, it's okay, it really is okay," Kakashi said warmly, patting Naruto's hand. "I can see underneath the underneath."
"Kakashi-sensei BAKA!" Naruto swiped away the masked jounin's hand. "You don't know anything!"
"All right, tell me then," Kakashi sighed, as if he could not be convinced otherwise but was willing to play along.
"That usuratonkachi, you know what he said to me before I ran out of that... that –" Naruto's face turned dark at the memory. "He said: 'Hn, I bet your sensei will never do this for you, dobe. Ahh yeah, harder Orochimaru!'– what the... that... that idiot Sasuke!"
Kakashi sweatdropped.
"And you know what, Sensei, you know what?! That baka Sasuke is right!" Naruto slammed his fists angrily on the table, his coffee spilling into the saucer. "Now he thinks he's all better than me! What... I mean... how come Jiraiya never took me up the arse huh?! What, I'm not good enough, am I?!"
Kakashi sweatdropped again.
"That baka, what does he know, huh, what does he know?! My arse is a thousand times better than his! My arse is so virgin tight it'd make any man cream his pants!"
Kakashi shuffled uncomfortably, warily glancing around as the other late night diners in the cafe began directing suspicious looks his way.
"I can kage bunshin one thousand bouncy arses! I can do it all night! I can–"
Kakashi desperately clasped the blonde's mouth shut, dropped a Konoha dollar by the till and dragged the little thrashing fox out of the cafe.
"WHAT'S THAT FOR KAKASHI-SENSEI?!"
The masked jounin let out a distressed sigh. "Naruto... sometimes I forget that you don't have much of an underneath the underneath to see."
"What underneath?"
"Nevermind..." Kakashi waved his hand.
"Anyway, Kakashi-sensei, actually... the reason I called you out tonight..." Naruto looked up at his teacher, suddenly shy. "I've been wanting to ask you... well... do you want to..."
"Want what?" Kakashi froze, suddenly feeling panicky.
Naruto blushed, and looked away, "To do me..."
Kakashi took a deep breath, exhaled, and placed a hand on the young blonde's shoulder. "Naruto... how do I say this? It's not that I think you're unattractive––"
Tears started welling up in the fox's deep blue eyes. "You think I'm not cute!"
"No, that's not it!"
"No one thinks I'm cute..."
"You're full of cute!"
"I'm an ugly boy!"
"Kiddo, that's totally not what this is about––"
"I bet you did Sasuke during the chuunin exam when you taught him the chidori!" Naruto hissed at his teacher, the teary blue eyes turned accusing.
This was true, but Kakashi thought it was a particularly bad time to be truthful with the sobbing kyuubi vessel. "No, no! Come on! I would never stick it up Sasuke's bum, Naruto. You know that I treat all of you three equally," he choked a bit at the word 'equally'.
"Really?" tears began to subside from the blonde's eyes.
"Yes, really," Kakashi lied. If there was a ninja hell, that'd be where he'd be going.
"That's good, cos if you were going to do it, you'd better do it to all three of us, you know... and you'd have to do it to Sakura too," Naruto said, sniffing and wiping his tears with his fingers. "Can't just leave her outta this, just cos she's a girl."
Kakashi patted the blonde's shoulder, "Of course, Naruto, of course." Ah Sakura... that damn sexy girl and her mouth... she really knew how to suck him dry...
"Then what am I going to do?" Naruto sniffled, looking dejectedly on the ground.
"Well... didn't you ask Jiraiya?" Kakashi scratched his head, although he knew what Jiraiya's answer would be.
"He said no... he can't... plus he'd just finished a testicle operation."
Kakashi was sure he didn't want to know why the frog hermit had to have a testicle surgery, but he had a nasty feeling it was something to do with Jiraiya hiding in Tsunade's bathroom last week...
"Naruto," Kakashi placed both hands on the fox blonde's slumping shoulders. "You're an attractive boy, don't let yourself get distracted by this... one day you'll find someone you truly love, then you can share all of yourself with that person."
"No! I wanna lose my virginity now!"
"Naruto..."
"Take my virginity sensei!" Naruto grabbed on the lapels of his teacher's coat.
Kakashi sighed and hugged the boy. "Naruto... trust me... I would if I could, but you... you have what they call... a wonderbutt."
"Huh?"
"The kyuubi possesses a wonderbutt no jutsu, one that, although gives a man unlimited amount of pleasure at the act of penetration, will suck him dry of his life force," Kakashi explained quietly. "In other words, Naruto, you have a killer butt... literally."
Naruto pushed his teacher away, eyes wide in disbelief.
"Anyone who does it up your arse basically dies," Kakashi explained plainly.
"What... why?!"
"Let's just say that the kyuubi is... fanatically homophobic."
"Is that... is that why I keep getting turned down? Does... does everyone know this except me?!"
Kakashi nodded silently, carefully.
"So... so no one will want to take me up the bum... ever?!"
The horror and disappointment on Naruto's face made made his chest ache. "I'm really sorry kiddo, really sorry about this..."
Naruto slumped against the brick wall, staring at his feet. The drone of Kakashi's voice faded into the background, and he looked up at the sky.
It would be dawn soon.
The next few sleepless nights, Naruto wandered Konoha alone, plagued by memories of Sasuke and Orochimaru's shameless tryst, and weighed down by the truth of his anal nature. A few times he tried to to talk the Kyuubi out of his homophobia, but at the slightest mention of 'stick' and 'hole', where 'hole' referred to Naruto's, Kyuubi would fly into an indescribable maddening rage that lasted for hours. Eventually, Naruto gave up trying to convert the Kyuubi to the side of free love and pederasty.
On the seventh night, deathly lethargic and deprived of significant sleep, Naruto collapsed into his cup of double espresso––frightening the cafe waitress who immediately called for an ambulance. When he awoke, three days after, he found himself in a small room, dressed only in hospital gown. His mouth dry, his stomach empty.
"I see that you're awake."
He could barely muster enough energy to turn around and greet his visitor.
"Let me give you a chakra boost."
He felt warmth flowing up his right hand, it was a familiar and comforting chakra. "Baa-chan..."
Tsunade smiled, then scowled at him. "Now tell me what you were doing wandering around Konoha with severe sleep deprivation! If you had a problem you should have come to me you brat!"
"I'm hungry..."
"Don't change the subject! And what's this about you asking Kakashi to take you up the bum?!"
"How did you know that?" Naruto cried, suddenly ashamed.
"Kakashi told me."
"Arghh! Why did Kakashi-sensei tell you that!" Naruto turned his face away from Tsunade.
"He was worried about you, and... he told me that you know about the wonderbutt thing now," Tsunade continued sending chakra up the boy's arm.
Naruto growled, damn killer butt of his!
"Look Naruto," Tsunade began. "Just because Sasuke's sensei did it to him, doesn't mean you need to do it too, you know. This is not a competition."
"Whatever," he turned away, clearly Kakashi-sensei's mouth was as big as Sasuke's slutty arsehole.
"Whether or not your sensei does you up there doesn't make you a better ninja," Tsunade shook her head, partially amused.
"But I hate that he thinks he's better than me!" Naruto grumbled. "I can do whatever Sasuke can do! And anyway, I only asked Kakashi-sensei cos pervert sannin wouldn't do me."
"What?! You asked Jiraiya?!"
"Yeah well, Orochimaru's a sannin and he's doing Sasuke, so Jiraiya should do me too! Then we'd be equal! Baka Sasuke! I hate him and his loose anus!" Naruto whined angrily.
"Brat! I've never met a bigger idiot than you!" Tsunade pulled the blonde's ear.
"YAAA! STOP IT BAA-CHAN!"
"You almost died because of all this nonsense!" Tsunade frowned at the fox, yanking his ear harder. "And why did you ask Jiraiya and not me?!"
"Huh? Why would I ask you?!"
"I'm a sannin too you stupid brat!" Tsunade smacked the boy on his head. Clearly intelligence wasn't his strong suit.
Naruto winced, "Huh? You mean. . . you're saying. . . you'd do me up the bum?!" He beamed at Tsunade.
"Idiot! Do you think I have the package to do you up the bum?!" Tsunade smacked his forehead again, and made a mental note to double the Biology classes in the Genin Academy.
"That's no good," Naruto pouted, crossing his arms.
"I don't know why I put up with you," Tsunade sighed to herself, then turning to the blonde, she barked. "Take it off."
"Take what off?"
"Your hospital gown."
"But it's cold!"
"Shut up and take it off, brat!" Tsunade turned and locked the door.
Naruto sat up, and slowly took off his gown. He hugged his legs together, suspicion on his face. "Hey, Baba, why are you taking off your clothes?"
"Shut up," Tsunade dropped her pale green kimono on the floor, and stepped out of her trousers. Naked, she faced the blonde squarely. "What do you think?"
"What do you mean what do I think?" Naruto swallowed, he could feel his pulse quickening. "I think–". His words were garbled when Tsunade flung herself against his naked body, and crashed her mouth into his.
Naruto's eyes went wide, and wider still as Tsunade invaded his mouth with her tongue. He felt his face hot when he realised that her hand was stroking his stomach, slowly making its way down...
She broke the kiss. "Relax, brat."
"What're you trying to do?" He gasped, as he felt himself fondled by her hand.
She grinned darkly. "Think of it as... a check up," she caressed his neck. "As your doctor, I want to make sure you're at the... peak of health," she gave his member a little tug as he moaned. "Very good, now let's see if there's anything wrong with this," she smiled, rubbing him firmly.
He tried to repress it, but the groan escaped from his mouth as he felt himself getting harder. Tsunade started nibbling on his neck, her big breasts pressed against his frame. Shyly at first, he returned her kisses. The more she touched him down there, the harder his kisses became. He started biting her, her lips, her neck. He groped her breasts, sucked her tongue.
Tsunade laughed when he pushed her off him, and moaned when he jumped on top of her, penetrating her. His face was flushed red, and she thought it was both cute and arousing how focused his eyes were, as if he were concentrating really hard. He thrusted into her, and whimpered. She encouraged him on, and the thrusts became harder and faster.
"Ahh, baa-chan... I... I can't––"
And then he came, bursting into her, his legs gave way as fell on top of her... and passed out.
Tsunade sighed, wrapped her arms around the boy, then stroked his sweaty forehead. She wasn't even half done yet. "First timers... seriously..." She gave a defeated smile at the mess of blonde hair on her chest. "Brat, you've got a lot to learn," she smirked. Yes, Sasuke was definitely better.