"The Wheat Thin Conspiracy"
Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Files, any of its characters, or anything like that.
Author's Note: Yeah, this is weird. And, of course, based around food. Un-betaed. Volunteers, please. Also, if you don't know what Wheat Thins are, well, you suck.
Dedicated to my favorite crispy, crunchy snack- Wheat Thins. And anyone but Kathleen. Ha-ha.
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Agent Mulder walked into Agent Scully's office, holding a box of Wheat Thins, "Hi. Wheat Thin?"
"Sure."
Mulder walked over to her and handed her the box. She was about to take one when he grabbed it back, "NO! I CAN'T PART WITH THEM!"
Scully was quite used to her partner's crazed behavior. She had, on several occasions, asked to have a new partner, but her superiors obviously enjoyed torturing her. After all, Mulder constantly hit on her, but refused to give her one of those wonderful, salty, wheaty, chewy, supery-dupery squares of pleasure. Who would want to go out with a man who denied her a sacred Wheat Thin!
"I'm sorry I can't give you one, Scully," Mulder began to explain, stuffing Wheat Thins in his mouth as he talked. He poured sunflower seeds into his mouth. A mixture of seed shells and Wheat Thins sprayed onto Scully's desk as he continued, "You see, these are the sacred, wonderful, salty, wheaty, chewy, supery-dupery squares of pleasure. The Wheat Thin. Made by a genius, it-"
At this point, Scully lost it. The smell of sunflower seeds, her desk being painted with chewed- up food, and her dire urge for a Wheat Thin caused her to tug at her hair and yell, "Give me a goddamn Wheat Thin or get the hell out of here!"
Mulder looked shocked. He slowly closed his box of Wheat Thins and began to walk out of her office with a hurt face. She was about to apologize for yelling at him when he ran back into the room, grabbed a sharpened pencil, and threw it onto the ceiling. Checking it stuck, he ran out again, Wheat Thins under his arm, laughing maniacally.
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It was two days past the fateful Wheat Thins incident, and Special Agent Scully was running out of her office. She had seen Mulder walking in the parking lot, presumably toward his car. They had been giving each other the silent treatment, and Scully had decided that no matter how annoying Mulder was, she missed his annoying presence. A box of Original Supery-Dupery Wheat Thins hid in her briefcase, hoping to be shared out of an act of friendship.
As she approached Mulder, she saw the most horrendous thing possible. It was even worse than when she'd seen Mulder perform his "Naked Dance of Worshipping Sunflower Seeds".
He was handing Smokey Man a box of Wheat Thins!
Steam nearly coming out of her ears, she tapped on Mulder's shoulder. He turned around, looking guilty, "What the hell do you think you're doing, Fox Mulder!"
Mulder twiddled his thumbs, "Smokey here gave up cigarettes. I… I thought I'd help him, so I got him addicted to Wheat Thins. It's sort of a black-market thing… He wants to be called Wonderful, Salty, Wheaty, Chewy, Supery-Dupery Squares of Pleasure Man."
Scully gasped. She was about to yell when the newly-named Wonderful, Salty, Wheaty, Chewy, Supery-Dupery Squares of Pleasure Man said, "FBI, FBschmi. Give it up! I think the three of us should make a Wheat Thin- obsessed family!"
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And so they did. Mulder and Scully got married, despite her protests that she DID NOT want to marry someone who stuck pencils on the ceiling. Wonderful, Salty, Wheaty, Chewy, Supery-Dupery Squares of Pleasure Man legally changed his name and became the "grandparent". Skinner, offered millions of dollars, dressed up in a diaper and became Mulder and Scully's "baby". The four spent the rest of their lives sipping on lemonade, crunching on Wheat Thins, and sticking pencils to the ceiling.
And taking bubblebaths of course… But that's a different story.
As for pets, they had lots of bees.
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Finished. Duh. Review!