Reposted: Posted the wrong version last time. This is Zelos' last reflections after he has betrayed the group and fought with them.
This fic is all based around a song by Magnum called Only A Memory.
-Only a Memory-
Well he was born
His father's pride and joy
His young life scored
Before it began
Dressed up in blue
His mother's only boy
Someday this child
Would have to be a man
I have had a happy life. The Godess shall know that I have nothing more to ask of. But there are things I wish to say before I pass on.
I have hurt so many people, and I must somehow make up for what I have done. I cannot reverse time, but I can apologize and hope that is enough to make sure that people doesn't remember me as no-good.
I believe that no human is born evil. All humans have the power to shape their own destiny, the road of your life isn't complete the second you open your eyes in this world. It is your actions that decide who you turn out to be and how your future will look.
No one can force you down a road that you won't follow. The decision is all yours, despite all influence other people might have on you. In the end, it all comes down to yourself and yourself alone.
I made my decision. I am not going to reflect whether it was the right one or not, it will only make things worse. I did my choice, and I paid the price for it.
He went to school
Shiny and white as pearl
They did not teach
The things he should learn
Things he would need, in this deceitful world
Which way to run or which way to turn
Life as the Chosen was not something I wanted for. But it was a burden I couldn't get rid off, no matter how hard I tried. Heh, all humans have the power to change their destiny, as I said.
I was an exception. The Church refused to listen, they claimed it would be a disaster if the Chosen would quit. I guess I didn't have much of a choice.
Duty called, and I answered. I was a fool, allowing them to control me like they did. I was merely a puppet in the hands of something bigger, and someone else was leading my way. I should have revolted, I should have stood up and said that I didn't want to do it anymore.
I tried to tell them all, but they wouldn't listen. No one listened, no one understood how I felt. "Just hang in there, Zelos" they said. Hmpf, they cared nothing for me. As long as the people obeyed their every word, they couldn't care less about the one they controlled. Me.
He became strong
Everyone looked to him
One of the boys
A beacon in the night
And when he spoke
People would gather in
They would stay close
He'd make them feel alright
As time passed by, I sank deeper into the hole I had dug with my own two hands. I was no longer Zelos Wilder, I was the Chosen. I wasn't human anymore, I existed solely to do my duty as the Chosen, a lifeless being much like those created by Mithos. I was a shell, and to compensate that, I worked hard to build an inpenetrable wall around myself.
No one could get into my soul or my heart, they became forever sealed away. I tried to hide it by flirting with as many women as I could, but I guess it all eventually shone through. By pushing all emotions aside, I thought that I could handle the burden.
I was wrong.
One one precious life
Only a memory tonight
One one precious life
Only a memory to light
The years of tenderness
Make them burn bright
Then I met them. They eased my pain, made it easier for me to live. Lloyd and the rest healed my soul by just being near.
But I still lived under the illusion of being brave and mighty, a soldier of the church. A knight of eternal light and glory. Fighting for a righteous cause, fighting to end all wars and make the world a better place. But then somewhere along the way... I got lost. I lost all my faith in myself and those around me. I defected. Turned to the other side.
The path I walked was a path that I was convinced would crumble. So I left my friends, my only true friends. Betrayed them. I let them down, just as I've let everyone else dear to me down.
It's a curse. And up to this day, it has ruled my life. I've been unable to break the curse. Like invisible chains, it held me down over the years. I have been a shattered beast, frozen like ice in the same place. I ran away from so much, but yet I didn't move at all. These shackles forced me to do things I did not want.
I told myself many times, tried to gather enough courage. Tried to break free, tried to get rid of the chains that had entangled my mind.
But when it came down to it, I was nothing but a coward. I thought I would fall without them holding me up... I thought I was too weak to stand on my own. I thought my whole world would fall apart the moment I took the first step towards freedom. So I hid myself under my mask, and the biggest fear of my life was that it would someday crack and reveal what was underneath.
A failure.
He wasn't scared
He had no fear at all
Said his goodbyes
And marched off to war
As he looked back
He heard his mother call
Said she be waiting
At Heaven's door
I guess I just want to say that I'm sorry. Sorry for everything I did wrong. Most of all, I'm sorry that I couldn't make it right in time. It's too late now. It is amazing how the knowledge that every breath could be your last, brings out so many emotions. They've been locked away til now. Deep in my heart where no one but I could enter.
I left my friends... The only true friends I've ever had. For a cause that I didn't even believe in. Why?
I do not know the answer to that question. I guess I never was the good guy I thought I was. My heart and soul is as black as the dark sea where I've drowned all my feelings.
As soon as I felt something... I pushed it away. I couldn't handle it.
Sheena.
She made me feel things I had never felt. But I was afraid of the emotions she awoke within me. So I pushed them away. If I could have it undone, I would.
But I guess I can't. I brought this upon myself. I had to pay the price. And I did.
Soon to be killed
Left on a muddy field
All of his thoughts
Were scattered just like seed
He never knew
Threw up his arms and reeled
He felt no pain
His heart started to bleed
And now I'm here. The rain is falling. The remnants of my life is leaving me. Disappearing with every drop of water that hit my face. And such irony, that it would be my best friends that would bring me down.
But it is all my fault. They did what they had to do. I can only hope that they are strong enough to defeat Mithos. To once again bring peace to our world. I can only hope that they can finish what I could not.
I gave up. Thought my life would be much easier this way.
I was horribly mistaken.
One one precious life
Only a memory tonight
One one precious life
Only a memory to light
The years of tenderness
Make them burn bright
Only a memory tonight
This is it. I don't have much time left.
I can't see anything anymore.
The world has disappeared in front of my eyes.
I will never see the sky again.
But I can still hear their voices.
They must hate me now.
And it hurts deep inside.
It hurts to know that they once called me their friend.
For once, I was accepted for the one I were.
And now... I've ruined it all.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I failed.
I'm sorry that I let you all down.
Please don't remember me for what I did in the end.
When you think of me, think of the good things I did.
Don't remember me as a traitor. Don't hate me for what I did.
But neither should you cry for me when I'm gone. I'm not worthy of your tears.
One one one precious life
Only a memory to light
The years of tenderness
Make them burn, burn, burn
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Please read and review. Chapter 12 of RTW is being written at the moment, expect it...someday. thanks for reading!
-DW