The Hitchhiker's Guide to
The Legend of
Final Fable Zero:
The Belkan War—
Combat Evolved
Over Normandy
- - -
Chapter the First
- - -
Author's Note: I spell check all my documents using the British
spelling. It's an aesthetics thing. Just wanted to make sure you
know that I did, in fact, mean to spell 'sceptically' that way.
Incidentally, there is apparently no correct way to spell
'bajeezus'. Did you know that? I certainly didn't.
- - -
"Damn it, Link, they aren't money here, they're just pretty stones!"
"All right, all right; I get it already."
The old trader looked from one eccentric traveller to the other. "Um," he said, "are you going to buy something?"
The brown-haired man gave the trader a sharp glance. "A moment, please."
Then the blonde one pushed the other one away and faced the trader. The brown-haired one stumbled backward, caught off guard by the shove, and fell back into the dirt, growling.
"How much money will you give me for these?" the blonde one asked, and thrust a leather pouch at the trader, who tentatively took it and peered inside. The bag was full of glittering, multi-coloured gems.
"All together?" the trader said. "I'd have to count them."
"How about a hundred gold pieces? That's a lot, right?"
"As much as I'd like to accept that offer, it really isn't anywhere close to a fair price," the trader said. He picked through the bag for a few moments while the brown-haired traveller stood up and dusted himself off, then approached the blonde one.
"I'd put the value at around ten thousand gold pieces," the trader said.
The blonde one's jaw dropped, but the brown-haired one scowled.
"Give me that," he said, and snatched the bag away. "No way," he said after fingering the gems for a moment himself. "These are worth no less than sixteen thousand gold pieces."
The trader shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I just don't carry that sort of money around with me. Ten thousand is all I have, I'm afraid."
"We'll see about that," the brown-haired one said with a mocking smile, as he drew his sword.
- - -
"That wasn't very nice," Link said. I waved at him dismissively as I went through the dead trader's pockets, looking for gold and whatever wares he'd been carrying in his pack. So far, I'd found three hundred thousand gold pieces (please don't ask how I managed to count them that fast), fourteen carrots, a handful of fish, and three blocks of tofu. Needless to say, I left the food and pocketed the money.
"It's no big deal," I said. "He'll respawn soon enough, and odds are, he won't even remember this. Meanwhile, here's this." I handed him two hundred thousand of the gold pieces. I didn't even have to use a bag or pouch. I'm just that skilled.
Link said nothing as he pocketed the cold hard cash.
"Just be glad we're not in a village," I said wryly. "Otherwise the guards would come after us. You know, there's a fine of two thousand gold pieces for murder here in Albion."
"Two thousand?" Link's jaw dropped. "We could easily pay that with the money we just stole."
"Well, yeah, but then they kick you out of the village, and it's just a nuisance to have to go back in." I stood up and brushed myself off. "Want to find another trader who'll pay you a proper price for those… What do you call them?"
"Ruppees," Link said.
"Shiny rocks," said I. "Well, do you?"
"Do I what?"
I sighed and repeated my earlier inquiry. He shrugged.
"Your choice," he said. "You seem to have an easier time of getting money by just killing people…"
I shrugged. "Well, killing that one trader didn't cost me much, since I'm about as good as I can be."
"What?"
"Never mind. Hey, let's go to Oakvale, and you can meet a friend of mine. He has become something of a legend in this part of Albion…"
- - -
"Wow," Link said as we entered the town of Oakvale. I pulled him toward the town's tavern. As I'd hoped, he was inside.
"That's him," I said, pointing as we entered the tavern. We walked over to his table.
"Luseik," he said, glancing up. "Have a seat, get yourself a drink, tell me what you've been up to."
I obliged, and Link sat next to me. "I went to a place far away, a place called Hyrule. I used to live there a long time ago, but now…" I trailed off.
"The whole place has gone to hell," Link finished for me. I nodded.
"Ah," he said. He took a swig of whatever was in his mug.
"I'm Link, by the way," said Link, extending his hand across the table.
"Glad to meet you, Link," he said, shaking the hand and looking back to his drink. There was a long, uncomfortable silence, and I knew what was coming next.
"Well?" Link said.
He looked up. "What?"
"What's your name?"
He shrugged.
Link frowned. "What, don't you have a name?"
"Well," he said, "I do have a name, but if I tell you what it is, there'll be hell to pay."
Link looked confused, but I leaned over and whispered in his ear, "If he says an actual name, people will contact the author and argue about it."
Link still looked confused, so I leaned over again, and whispered, "Just call him 'Bruce', if you need a name for him."
"Bruce?"
I shrugged. "'Amy' works too. Whatever turns you on, man." I tossed back my mug of ale and signalled a scantily clad barmaid over to our table.
"Hey there, foxy lady," I said, flashing my sexiest smile. She rolled her eyes.
"Do you need something?" she said curtly. I frowned to myself and fished around in my pocket, pulling out a fist-sized diamond. I handed it to her.
"Some vodka, if you have it. Share the love, honey."
She fingered the diamond, smiling widely. "Coming right up," she said, and headed off back to the bar. I looked back to him, a.k.a. Bruce, a.k.a. Amy.
"Hey, Amy," I said. Bruce looked up at me.
"Hmm?"
"Tell Link here your story."
Amy looked at Link, whose eyes widened.
"Oh, no," Link said. "This isn't going to be one of those long, long monologues, is it?"
"Afraid so," I said, grinning as the barmaid leant over to place my drink on the table. "Do you need something, foxy lady?" I said to her.
"How about a wedding ring for my finger, eh?"
- - -
Later, when darkness fell upon us, I showed Link to my house in Oakvale, next door to Bruce's house. Upstairs, there were three beds, so I pointed Link towards one of them, and then retreated back downstairs. As the night grew longer, I pored over a number of books and other research materials spread out across a series of desks.
For years now, I had been searching for something, and I knew I was now close to finding it. If I could just get one more bit of information, one more jump forward, I knew the rest of the pieces would fall into place.
"…What are you doing?" It was Bruce's voice. I closed the book I was reading, set it on the table, and turned it around so the title wasn't facing him. Then I turned to see Amy standing in the doorway.
"Just reading," I said. "Care to come in and have a drink?"
"No thanks," he said. "I've got to leave tonight."
"Leave? Where to?" I asked. "Surely it can wait until morning."
He shrugged. "Just wanted to say my farewells before I left." He turned away and stepped out of the house. He moved out of sight, and I ran to the doorway. He was gone.
"Bruce!" I called into the dark, empty night. There was no response.
- - -
Amy opened his eyes. "Did I say I was ready for you to 'beam me up', damn it? I need to prepare myself for that crap. It's disorienting. I think I'm going to throw up…"
"Suck it up, Master Chief," said the military man before him. "We've got a problem."
Bruce looked up. "I really prefer Amy, you know."
"Whatever, Bruce. Here." The man shoved a handful of papers into Amy's hands. Bruce eyed the papers.
"What is this?" he said.
"That," the man said, as the camera began to dramatically zoom in on his eyes, "is a list of all the places on Earth that have been attacked by Covenant terrorists in the last month. That's why we had to call you back from Albion."
"Covenant terrorists," Amy said. "Not the Covenant itself?"
"Exactly," the man said. "A World With No Boundaries is back, and feistier than ever. They've built another Halo—"
"They built one?" Bruce interrupted. "What about the Forerunners? I thought they built all the Halos."
"Originally, yes. But one of the Forerunners, a man named Slartibartfast, was captured by A World With No Boundaries, and tortured until he divulged the secrets of creating a Halo."
Amy cursed viciously. "So now I have to do the whole first-person shooter bit again, don't I?"
"You could," the man said sceptically.
"Or?" Bruce prompted.
"Or," the man said, and didn't continue. Amy cleared his throat. "Or," the man began again, "you could hop into a fighter jet and blast the bajeezus out of them until they surrender. Of course, at the very end, in a moment of desperation, they might choose to activate their new Halo and destroy the galaxy in retaliation."
"Didn't work last time," Bruce said. "Last time, Tartarus activated the Halo, but the Arbiter had exactly enough time to kill him and then remove the Index just in time to stop it."
"We were lucky."
"It was planned," Amy retorted. "The Arbiter spent, like, four hours taunting Tartarus before he killed the Brute, and when he finished, the Halo was still preparing to fire."
"Whatever! That isn't the point! Just agree to fly a plane so we can get on with it!"
"Fine," Bruce said, and suddenly, the chapter ended.