Chandler struggled to set open the new pack of sparklers for the gang to wave around while he set up the first firework. He yanked the package apart as hard as he could, with no progress.
Monica craned her neck to look at him, "Chandler, do you need he-?"
He interrupted, "I got it! Let the man handle this!"
After he resorted to using his teeth, Monica took the bag from him and opened it with no trouble. "Good job, Mr. Man".
He stuck his tongue out at her when she wasn't looking and proceeded to the first firework.
Phoebe's sparkler burned out, and she piped up, "Hey, like, speaking of fireworks, Mike and I had an argument last night about what to watch on T.V."
Ross raised an eyebrow, "Phoebe, what does that have to do with fireworks?"
"Well, you know how fireworks sometimes hit children?" Phoebe responded
Rachel made a confused face, but told her, "Yeah…and?"
"Well, he wanted to watch a show about these poor sick animals".
"Yeah, Phebes, still not following you," said Chandler.
"I said I wasn't going to watch that, so I suggested a happier show about these kids who got kidnapped. But apparently, one of them was related to him or something stupid like that, so he wouldn't watch it. I mean, what kind of excuse is that?"
Monica waited a moment before saying, "And you got that from fireworks?"
She shrugged and the group turned away. Joey looked at them all, confused, "I think it makes perfect sense!"
Chandler set off the second firework and it exploded, set in a forward direction. Monica took the third one from his hands, "Here, let me do it, you're going to kill someone". She set it off and it shot in the air. She took over the rest of the pack. Chandler sat down angrily with his arms crossed next to Phoebe. "Isn't she impossible?" he said with a scowl.
She nodded, "Almost as impossible as Mike, he's been so emotional lately. Ugh, broads these days, right?"
Chandler ignored that last part, "It's like, I never do anything right around her. It always has to be the Monica way or the high way."
Phoebe nodded and thought for a second, "Hey, you know what?" she whispered, "I say we give them a taste of their own medicine".
He looked to make sure everyone else was too busy looking at fireworks to hear before whispering, "What did you have in mind?"
"I say we do exactly what they do to us," she explained.
Chandler grinned and nodded, "Ahhh I see. And then we tell them later, so they understand how annoying it is."
"Oh, I was going to say we slowly let them go mad until they claw their eyes out, and end up hanging themselves by them, but you're plan works too".
Chandler looked slightly disturbed, but quickly brushed it off, "I'm going to be the most insufferable, control freak husband she ever had".
"And I'm going to be the most insane, clingy bitch that anyone's ever had! Worse than you and Monica combined."
"I don't know, I can be pretty damn infuriating, "Chandler said, a little too proudly.
Phoebe's eyes narrowed, "Alright, I say we make a bet out of that. We'll see who can drive their person the most insane by the end of the week".
"And what fate will you have to suffer when I win?" he asked.
"Well, when one of us doesn't win, and the looser won't be me, just F.Y.I, they will have to…spend one week having nothing but quality time with your spouse".
They both made horrified faces, but shook hands. "Deal," they said, in unison. After Monica had exhausted the bag, she dusted off her hands and turned and faced the group, "Well, that's the last of them. Happy Fourth of July everyone!"
Chandler seized the opportunity, and ran up to her and took her hands, "No, honey, you're doing it all wrong. When you dust off your hands, you do it in a vertical motion, not horizontally".
The entire group looked at him bizarrely. "Chandler, honey, what are you doing?" Monica asked, freeing her hands from his grasp.
"Oh nothing, just helping you control your hands, "he said, glaring at Phoebe.
Phoebe stood, trying to act nonchalant, "Okay, guys, I'm going to go home to Mike now. We're going to go watch hours and hours of "The Bold and the Beautiful", then have a long conversation about how many kids he wants: 10 or 50?" she said with a smug, heading away. Chandler looked after her with an "Oh that is low! Even for you!" look.
She drove home, putting on the girly-est makeup she could find on the way. When she arrived, she heard snoring through the door. She rang the doorbell as many times as she could in 10 seconds and waited for him to open, with an overbearing smile. He groggily opened the door and rubbed his eyes. She attacked him with a huge hug. "Hi baby! I missed you so much, oh, my gosh, you would not believe!" she shouted.
He blinked rapidly, "I, uh, missed you too honey. But, could you please quiet down? It's late and the neighbors are asleep," he whispered.
She released him, but kept both hands on his back. "Why honey? Do you think I'll embarrass you in front of the neighbors?" she exclaimed in an even louder voice.
He shushed her silently as an old woman came out of the place next door. "Hey! Quiet out there!" she hollered. Phoebe glared at her, "Get back in your house and cry yourself to sleep you lonely old hag!" she cried. The lady ran back in her home, horrified. She turned back to him, and got back her girly voice when she said, "So, sweetie pie, I thought we could cuddle tonight and talk, since you're not doing anything."
He shook his head, sarcastically, "Oh, no. It's not like I was sleeping anyway." He smiled and gestured to the doorway.
She just stared at it for a while, and when he didn't get it, she asked, "Aren't you going to carry me in?"
He shrugged, "Uh, okay," he responded, with a smile. He placed his arms behind her neck and knees and lifted her feet off the ground. He walked inside and set her down on the couch, then sat down beside her. "So, what do you want to talk about?"
She curled up beside him, with her head on his chest. "Well, I thought we could talk about what we did today".
He nodded, "Okay, well I woke up, and decided to head outside and get the mail and the—"
"Okay, yeah that's great," she interrupted, "But anyway, I got my period. And it was really awkward, because I thought it was tomorrow, so when I was over Joey's, I sat on his favorite chair. And when I got up, it was a bloody mess, but I just put a cover over it, so don't tell him yet," she said in a singsong voice.
He gagged a bit, and then gulped, "Wow, babe, I hope you weren't planning on having sex tonight," he said, casually.
She giggled and walked her fingers up and down his chest while humming.
He made a confused face, "Um, Phebes? What are you doing?"
"Just bonding with you silly goose!" she said, tapping his nose.
He said, bluntly, "Are you on crack?"
She laughed louder, and more obnoxiously, "No, honey! I'm just high on your love."
He was freaked out and stood up, placing her hands on the couch, "Okayyy, so I'm going to go back to bed now, you know, big day tomorrow."
She scrambled to her feet and approached him, "What do you mean, we don't have anything planned for tomorrow?"
"Yeah, well, I'm going plan something," he said, lying down in bed. She climbed in and wrapped her arms around him, tightly. She rubbed them all over his skin, "Oh, honey bunches, you're so sexy". He grinned a little, appreciating the comment. Suddenly, she moved a hand downward, "Hmmm, but it looks like you're kind of tiny, sweetie."
His eyes widened and he threw the covers off, "Since when?" he demanded.
She propped her head up on one hand, "It's nothing to be ashamed of, honey boo. It's actually kind of cute. I'm going call it "Little Mikerina". "
He looked at her with a dead serious face, "You just called me "honey boo", and named my penis."
She nodded and giggled uncontrollably, "Of course! Now, baby, you should probably get to sleep, it's getting late you know," she said, lying down and facing away from him.
His eye twitched a bit, but he gave up and lied down with a frustrated look. Phoebe snickered a bit, pleased with herself.
The next morning, Chandler flicked on the lights, and woke Monica up at 5 a.m. She rolled over, and rubbed her eyes, "Chandler, what's the big idea, it's early".
"Well what were you going to do? Sleep until noon? That's really not good for your health, you know."
She rolled her eyes, but stepped out of bed. She went into the kitchen and cracked some eggs in a saucepan over the stove. They started to sizzle when Chandler rushed over to her and put the pan on the opposite burner plate. "Monica, dear, you really should do it on the right side. That's how they do it in Europe, you know."
She turned around and looked at him, "No it isn't" she said with a "duh" attitude, "I think I know how to cook. Just leave it to me."
He walked away slowly, mocking her under his breath, "Little Ms. Perfect thinks she knows everything. Suddenly she doesn't need any help anymore."
She looked up and put her spatula and fork down. She turned around, "Is there something wrong?" she asked, sarcastically.
He scratched his head, "Well, no, it's just that…well, the way you stand with your hands on your hips, it looks bad on you, and it's really not good for circulation."
She let out a sigh of frustration, "Okay, what's going on?"
"What do you mean?" he asked, taking her hands off of his hips.
She gritted her teeth, "I mean, you're acting like a dick, why?"
He gasped, "I am shocked! All I am trying to do is help out my precious wife. You're already so perfect."
She smiled and blushed a bit.
"Now we just have to make sure every single thing you do is perfect."
Her smile faded quickly as she realized the eggs were burning. She quickly switched off the burner and lifted the pan.
He walked over behind her and quietly whispered in her ear, "This wouldn't have happened if you were using the right burner."
She let out an angry breath through her nose and nearly broke the handle of the pan. Chandler retreated to the bedroom and let out his laughter.
At around 3, Mike had gone out for a drink with a new friend. He put his lips around the cold beer bottle. "So, Scott, what's your home life like?"
He nearly chugged his bottle, "It's a bitch, how about you?"
Mike chuckled, "It's alright, but I gotta tell you, my wife's acting different."
"Different, like kinky different?"
"Different like crazy as hell."
Before he could ask about it, Mike's phone rang. "It's her." He flipped it open, "Hey sweetheart," he answered carefully, nervously.
"Heyyy, Mikey-kins!" she screamed.
He moved the phone away from her ear for a second, but then put it back, "So what are you doing?"
"Oh, nothing! I'm just at the video store buying some chick flicks for us to bond over."
Hearing, Scott raised an eyebrow, "Dude, you're fucked."
Mike blinked a few times, "Phoebe, honey, I thought I told you I didn't feel like watching those tonight."
"I know! But, I think you'll like them better once you try them. So, what are you doing?"
"Oh, nothing, just out for a drink with my friend."
"Gasp! It's not even 5:00 yet!"
"Yes, I know, but—"
"Put your drink down right now and come back here Mike Hannigan!"
He sighed and rubbed his face with his hand, "Yes, dear."
"Okie dokie! I'll see you there Honey-kins!"
He pressed the "end" button and flipped the phone closed.
Scott looked at him with pity, "I'm sorry, brother."
He nodded, keeping his head down.
"So, do you want to get wasted or—"
"Yeah," Mike cut in, taking two giant shots.
"Chandler, what are you doing?" Monica asked, watching him rearrange every piece of furniture in the room.
"Just creating some perfect "feng shui" in the room, it helps keep the peace."
She sighed and massaged her temples, "Okay, stop with the furniture."
He shook his head, "Nope not until everything is perfectly balanced."
"Chandler, put the table down, and come tell me what's going on."
He couldn't help but do as she said. He sat down on the couch next to her, and fixed her posture.
She pushed his hand away, "Stop it. Why are you acting like this?"
"Like what, honey?" he asked.
"Like a crazy person! Like going around like a mad man, fixing every little thing I do!" she told him, "Are you trying to get back at me for helping you the other night?"
"No…no…" he looked into her pleading eyes and sighed, "Yes." He couldn't lie to her.
"Why? Why didn't you just tell me?
"Because, Phoebe and I had a bet on who could be the most irritating."
"So you tried to drive me half crazy for a bet?"
"Actually, I was going for full-out insane."
She gave him a look of wisdom, "Chandler, number one, if you have a problem with me being bossy, just tell me."
He nodded in agreement.
"And number two, I'm not bossy, I'm just always right."
He smiled, but she kicked him in the ankle.
"Ouch!"
"You deserved it."
"I know."
Mike softly and discretely unlocked the door. He tiptoed inside, praying that she wasn't home. He closed the door and let out a sigh of relief, but the lights flickered on. Phoebe sat in a chair by a lamp with her arms crossed and an angry look on her face. "Where have you been?" she asked, crossly.
He rolled his eyes, "Phoebe I was—"
"You're lying aren't you?"
"Dear Jesus, "he murmured.
"I mean, what do you take me for? Huh? I know, Mike. I know everything."
"What are you even talking about?"
"I'm talking about Stephanie!" she shouted, making up a name on the spot.
"Who the fuck is Stephanie?"
"Oh I think you know way better than I do who Stephanie is!"
He threw his hands up in defeat, "Okay you know what?
"What, Michael?"
He took her by the hand and pulled her up. He wrapped his arms around her.
"What are you do-?"
He pressed his lips against hers in mid-sentence, making for a long, luxurious kiss
Once it was over, she gasped, "What was that for?"
"It was the only way to shut you up," he said, and patted her head. He walked into the bedroom and locked the door.
"Fuck you," she murmured, realizing she might not win if he kept that up.
Mike took a seat on the bed and picked up the phone. He dialed Monica's number.
"Hello?"
"Monica, I need your help. Phoebe's—"
"Acting like a crazy bitch? Yeah, I figured."
"How did you know?"
Monica explained everything, from the conversation that was held about them, all the way to what happens to the loser.
"She's still trying to drive you insane?"
"Yes, and she's damn good at it."
"Okay, here's what you do."
Chandler and Monica filed into Central Perk, sitting in their usual spot. Chandler looked around the room, "Is she coming?"
Monica placed a hand on his thigh, soothingly, "Don't worry, she'll be here".
Within a few moments, Phoebe strode in, and took a seat next to the two. "Hey guys, so what was so important?" she asked, while Gunther began to introduce a guest singer.
Chandler laughed, and Monica took great pleasure in pointing to the stage. Phoebe's jaw dropped when Gunther spoke the words, "Mike Hannigan".
Phoebe mouthed the words, "What are you doing," and he mouthed back, "Don't worry". He put the microphone closer to him before saying, "Ladies and Gentleman, we all have that special someone in our lives. And today, I want to sing a song I wrote about a very special woman. A little lady named Phoebe."
He began to play guitar badly as she buried her face in her hands. He sung, in a purposefully squeaky voice,
You listen to me
You fight away my fears and more
From when you check under the bed
To when I hear something scary outside the door
The entire room laughed. Phoebe was mortified. He continued.
I'd miss you if I
Were your ex
Because you listen when I cry
Even if it's after sex
The room exploded with laughter, getting increasingly more vociferous. Phoebe's face was steaming. He finished,
You are wonderful, awesomeful, amazingful
Oh, so beautiful, incredible, cutiful
I love it when you act Phoebeful
He pointed directly at her as he said, "Let's give a hand for my wife! Phoebe Buffay, everyone!"
The crowd erupted with laughter and clapping. Mike walked off stage and met Phoebe in the audience. He was smiling at her infuriated expression, "Something wrong, darling?" he asked, sarcastically.
She threw her hands up, "Why would you embarrass me like that?"
He chuckled and kissed her on the cheek, "That's what you get when you drive me crazy for a bet," he said before walking past her.
"I DID NO SUCH—yeah, I did," she admitted, and walked over to him. "Look, Mike, I'm so sorry. I'm just not used to men giving so much…emotion."
He turned around, "I forgive you, just talk to me next time, and don't ever do that again."
She smiled and kissed him on the lips, "Deal."
As they gazed at each other, Joey walked in angrily and stood by the group, with his hands on his hips, "Alright, what the hell happened to my chair?"
Phoebe dragged Mike out, and Chandler looked at him, awkwardly as he whispered, "You know, that stance isn't really good for circulation…"
The End!