A Forlorn Hope
Title: A Forlorn Hope
Author: Jixer
E-mail: jixer@attbi.com
Feedback: Please. Bouquets and brickbats welcome
Distribution: Any free fanfiction site.
Spoilers: Up through the end of Season 6, after the story Shattered Hope.
Rating: Hard PG-13
Pairing: W/T
Disclaimer: All characters of BtVS are owned by Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon. All I own are tattered books, the love of a good woman, and a few pots of tomato plants.
Summary: Sequel to Shattered Hope. Tara has returned but the price of Tara's life may be more than she and the Scoobies can accept. An old enemy stalks Willow.
Buffy needs W/T to end what the Scoobies started.
Note: Numbered chapters are Tara's P.O.V. (with heavy self-reproach, earned or not) while titled chapters are narrative.
A Forlorn Hope
Chapter One
The Magic Box doesn't feel right, doesn't look right and the smell is broken bottles of fragrant oils and burnt wood.
It matches the way I feel.
I look down at the glass shard again. I remember the white room.
"A life is owed, and the debt is yours," Michelle says sternly. "Now is not the time for payment. Know this, if you die before this debt is paid, one other of these will be held for the debt."
That means Buffy, Dawn or Anya. My friends, sisters of my heart.
It might mean Willow, the woman I love.
I push the shard away.
"It won't be easy," Giles says in his gentle tone, "but it is for the best."
I don't know how he moves so quietly in all this destruction. I look up at him and try to believe his words.
"You're alive, Tara," Giles starts.
"And where there's life there's hope." I finish, looking at Buffy. "Even if the Hellmouth is giving me this life?"
"If Anya's amulet is right I can't say that being an empath connected to a pool of evil is going to be a sunny stroll," Giles says with a sad shake of his head. "And I certainly don't envy an ethical witch trying to sort out using power from the Hellmouth, Tara, but you're alive. I approve of that and I think something else approves as well."
Giles gives me his hand and pulls me slowly to my feet. His words pull my spirits higher too. Buffy is near, watching me carefully. My fluttering new hope shakes under her hard, questioning gaze but Giles is an anchor for it.
"Look at your shirt," Giles softly orders.
I glance down to see the hateful hole, but just the hole. There's no blood around the hole; there's no wound under it and my arm doesn't hurt where it was broken in the white place we were in. I look up and I realize my top feels clean. I'm not sticky with dried blood.
"I have to trust it's all for the best," Giles says with an edge of something past exhaustion in his voice.
He walks gingerly through the mess to Anya. Buffy turns her attention back to Dawn and Dawn's neon orange jumpsuit from the Sunnydale Juvenile Center. I notice the wound to Dawn's arm from the Rwasundi demon is completely healed. The flare of tempers between the Summers sisters has not healed though as Dawn stalks over to me, shaking off Buffy's arm with a strength and skill that surprises the Slayer.
"Dawn, come here," Buffy orders with a hint of fear in her voice.
Dawn ignores her and steps up to me. I can feel her anger and frustration. For her it's been less than an hour since her sister trusted her with a dangerous adult task of great importance. Now she's back to being the protected one. Success has lost Dawn her status, which is not the way a sixteen-year-old sees life. But here she's not yet sixteen. Buffy comes up behind her and Dawn reacts to it like someone in "Jack".
"Dawn, listen to your sister," I say as firmly and as calmly as I can. "I'm connected to the Hellmouth now and that means danger. You know that. I know you're strong enough to get through this."
I look over her shoulder at Buffy and then back to meet Dawn's gaze. "Give us a minute, please." I ask her, trying to make it sound like an adult request.
Dawn looks at me without defiance. She's caught the tone and I feel her listen. She glares at Buffy and moves off to Giles. Buffy and I watch their gentle embrace in silence. I need the happiness in their reunion across time to even Buffy's hurt confusion and worry about Dawn.
I'll just have to take her distrust and anger with me.
"Buffy, please understand Dawn isn't the same girl you were walking with an hour ago," I say trying to keep my voice steady. "She's been through some very rough months in the time it took you to get here. Don't come up behind her like that. It's a threat where she, um, was."
"I don't want to hear that!" Buffy snarls. "I want to know what you're going to do to make this all right."
"I can't," I admit sadly. "I can't take Dawn's time spent locked up away. I can't make her not remember knowing the Scoobies' deaths, or make her stop knowing she cost you everything you own to keep her out of an adult jail."
"You could if you wanted to," Buffy snaps on the verge of tears.
I don't want to feel Buffy's loss and fear for Dawn, but my empathy doesn't seem to have any control right now. I just fear the Hellmouth is giving the anger and resentment I'm starting to feel inside me more power, a dark lens for my most dangerous emotions.
"I can't give Dawn the happy childhood you wanted," I snap back at my friend. Then I stop and try to be calm.
"No one can," I insist sadly. "No one ever could. Not even you."
"I don't want to hear this," Buffy says tightly.
"Buffy-" Dawn starts. Dawn is carefully out of Buffy's danger zone. Xander is next to her, Willow just on the other side of Xander. Xander's hastily bandaged face is hurting him, but not as much as how it happened. Willow's not looking at us. My attention is diverted by the wave of confusion and shame coming from the woman I love. Buffy's Slayer reflexes catch me off guard as she spins on her sister.
"How did this happen?" Buffy demands as she grabs a handful of Dawn's neon orange jumpsuit, the one marked with Sunnydale Juvenile Center' and HRO'.
"Arabella," Dawn admits with a forced calm.
"Do I have to check out all your friends now too?" Buffy asks on the edge of shrill.
"All my friends are in this room!" Dawn snaps back with a snarl in her voice.
"Dawn! Anger!" I say forcefully.
"She's right, Buff," Xander says gently. "If she tells anyone what she sees they call her a fully loaded nutbar. If they believe her they could get dead from a Sunnydale horror of the day."
"Gwen," Dawn says sadly. Then the teenager shines through. "She's alive! The bastard doesn't have her yet."
"Language," I and everyone else in the Magic Box says at about the same time. It hurts me to hear how shaky Willow sounds.
Dawn shakes her head and hugs Xander hard. Buffy is barely mollified. Something finally screams in my memory loud enough to get my attention.
"Gwen's alive and so is Miss Grey," I say, fighting my own fear.
"The ultra witch," Anya declares brightly. "What's an Arcadian?"
"Humans who are super magic and they can steal a whole world's magic," Dawn explains succinctly. "Miss Grey is here to get all the magic out of the Hellmouth. She also wants Slayers for assassins."
"She's after me?" Buffy asks with a snort.
"Actually, I think you were an afterthought," I explain gingerly. "Mostly she wants the Hellmouth and the Key to drain it."
"WHAT?" Buffy explodes.
I feel her hands on me a second before Xander and Dawn try to pull her off. They kind of succeed and when I take a breath I can still talk.
"Dawn's not the Key anymore," I explain hurriedly. "I can find Miss Grey."
"She's gonna need her throat, Buff," Xander points out as he keeps his grip.
"Buffy, please!" Dawn pleads.
Buffy lets me go and just glares at me. Xander and Dawn are afraid for me. So is Willow, but her fears are darker. I don't have time to reach out for her with Miss Grey on the loose. It hurts to turn away from her pain but I have to, and when I do I see Willow pull back into herself on the very edge of the group. Anya and Giles are concentrating on me so no one notices Willow pulling back but me.
"Well?" Buffy asks in a commanding tone.
"I need Anya and Willow and Dawn," I say quickly.
"The spell we did to find Giles before we knew he was," Dawn starts excitedly, then finishes with a very weak "uh, kind of dead."
"We are having a long conversation after this," Giles says tiredly but firmly.
"How many of us did she kill?" Xander asks worriedly.
"You and Spike and Giles," Dawn states angrily. "She killed Clem cause he helped just once."
"But not me?" Willow says just above a whisper.
"Love, it-" I start.
"Don't say that!" Willow hisses. "Just don't."
"Willow," Dawn says with calm sympathy. "You were hurting so much and the Hellmouth connection wouldn't let you heal."
"So I killed myself," Willow answers her own question so gently. Her pain brings tears I don't have time to shed to my eyes. I reach for her anyway. Willow pulls away, not meeting anyone's eyes.
"Will, take Dawn's hand," Buffy says carefully but firmly.
Willow reaches for Dawn's hand blindly. Dawn grabs it and gives a reassuring squeeze. Willow still looks down and away. Anya reaches for Dawn's hand confidently.
I close my eyes as I make myself open to Willow's broken connection, Anya's amulet and the tiny amount of power the Key left in Dawn. I feel a tenuous connection to something that feels like the woman who threatens my family. The thought of Miss Grey as threat makes the connection stronger.
"Got you, bitch," I snarl softly as I open my eyes.
"Language," Dawn whispers.
"Now what?" Buffy asks sternly.
"I-" I stop suddenly for a heartbeat, feeling the morning's warmth on my skin. "I stand here like an idiot because I can't travel-"
"-in time anymore." Dawn groans with me.
"You keep telling me things I don't want to hear and now you can't do the witch fu to stop a threat to us," Buffy says with steel in her voice.
"I'm s-sorry, Buffy," I say defeated by my own stupidity. "I've messed it all up. I wasn't s-supposed to be alive for this."
"You're you, Tara," Buffy says ruefully. "Can you track her some other way?"
I can feel a spark of trust and recognition growing in Buffy as I stare at her and try to figure out what happened.
"But, um," I say eloquently. I think my brain hurts.
"I don't think an Evil Tara would apologize for living," Buffy points out. "And I'm pretty sure she'd be better organized."
"Maybe I'm tricky?" I try to warn, but it comes out a question.
"Right," Buffy smirks as I feel the trust growing. I'm happy about that, if not the smirk. I can be tricky, really.
"I'm sure you can," Buffy says gently. I'm alive and I've got to stop talking my thoughts.
"How about letting witchy fingers do the pointing?" Xander asks as he picks up a tattered Sunnydale phone directory.
I look at the general map in the phone book and touch the threatening feeling I had earlier. A spark snaps on the page. Xander closes the book hurriedly and drops it.
"I'm sorry!" I gasp as he leaps back. "She kind of makes me angry."
"Yeah, kinda guessed," Xander answers with false bravado.
Xander bends over and picks up the now more tattered book and opens it to the map. A scorched star shows over a corner in the downtown area.
"I'll go," I volunteer. "You'll need magical back up."
Buffy looks at my blouse where the bullet hole is and hears the shakiness in my voice. She shakes her head.
"No," Buffy says gently.
"Take Anya then," I say with a hint of pleading.
"Grey's powerful," Anya pipes up. "Stronger than Willow. She was off the scale."
Willow's wince rips into me.
"They drain power from others and focus it for themselves," I explain trying to keep my voice steady.
"How did we beat her if she's so powerful?" Buffy asks with a frown.
"You both looped her power back on herself," I explain gently.
"That sounds painful," Anya says with distaste.
"I think all the energy from you two, the focus and Miss Grey unraveled time itself," I say flinching at the memory. "I don't think anything's left from that timeline."
"Including the other us?" Buffy asks quietly.
"Especially you," I answer with a grimace.
"Right," Buffy says nodding her head. "Giles, we need different clothes for Dawn and Willow and a new top for Tara."
"The Summers corollary of change," both Dawn and I say with small smiles.
"I am getting new clothes out of this after all," Dawn points out.
"This is not going to involve melting charge cards," Giles observes dryly. "I've only got the one working currently. Bloody magnetic strips should have stood up to magic better than that."
"Oh, we don't have to worry about that," Anya says helpfully. She bamphs away.
"We have to know what this Grey is doing before I leave," Buffy states firmly. "I don't want to be halfway there and get a surprise visitor here."
"Tactically sound," Giles says tightly. "Up to the point where you're going to a dimension in disarray, through the Hellmouth, guided by a tired witch who is almost entirely unsure of her powers. We need to research this, Buffy."
"I can't explain it, Giles," Buffy says urgently. "If I don't go as soon as I can, the path won't be there. I don't want to go, I have to go."
"You check on this Miss Grey while the rest of us get ready for this ill-advised journey to where precisely?" Giles asks with a tired archness.
"Where I should have been," Buffy answers with a hint of resignation.
Just then Anya swirls back into the Magic Box with clothes that would fit in at a church picnic.
"I went for a wholesome image," Anya explains happily.
"Uh huh," Buffy says looking at the skirt and top she brought for Dawn. "Anya, this isn't one of Dawn's favorite-"
"It's mine and it's not neon orange," Dawn declares happily as she grabs the clothes. "Thanks, Anya."
Willow takes her most conservative clothes without a word, and almost shuffles after Dawn. Buffy and Anya exchange worried looks. I take my top and go after them, trying not to let Willow's emotions overpower me. I just want to hold her for a year or two, but right now Willow is still feeling the ripping pain of my pulling the Hellmouth link from her. She feels violated.
I try not to think about how much that feeling can hurt or how long it can take to heal. If it does.
I'm also trying not to let Giles' worries in because they echo in my core. I wish I could reassure him, but I can't. He's wrong about my being unsure. I'm not unsure about Buffy depending on me to get her to where she should have been.
I'm terrified.
Chapter Two
Misdirection
As the girls left for the back room to change Anya silently handed Xander a clean, whole shirt. He recognized it as one she knew he liked but she hated.
"Thanks," he said sincerely.
"Here's some real bandages and first aid stuff," Anya said with some embarrassment, handing Xander a bag. "Giles got beat up kind of a lot. Willow bounced him around really hard. See if you can get him to go to a hospital."
Buffy looked at Giles with concern, but the older man seemed mostly tired. That worried Buffy, but she had seen him do more on the brink of collapse over the years than anyone could have guessed. The overwhelming feeling of time running out made her push her worries (surely groundless ones, this was Giles after all) to one side. She looked for Xander and winced inwardly at his bandaged face and the rough dressing on his chest as he tugged his shirt into place.
"We're going," Buffy said firmly. "Are you okay to keep an eye on them?"
"Never better," Xander lied with false cheer. "Just hurry back."
Buffy smiled at him and turned away, Anya following her as they walked out of the damaged store. They walked along in the morning sun toward the corner where the directory map had a scorched star. Anya seemed a trifle giddy still.
"What's our plan?" Anya asked brightly.
"This is just a recon first," Buffy explained carefully. "We only fight if this Grey lady starts something."
"Oh, I doubt she's a lady," Anya said in a pleasantly catty tone. "Though some noble women I've seen over the centuries would have been just as bad. They couldn't really make a magic focus out of a child's bones, whereas Miss Grey can and has done a good job evidently. That is, if I was right when I spoke to my amulet. The other me I mean."
"Aren't you just a little bit freaked that you're listening to another you?" Buffy asked uncomfortably. "I mean, we're gone there and everything we knew from now to then is gone."
"Xander was gone there," Anya pointed out suddenly less perky, "and Willow and Giles and Tara and Spike. And Dawn was in jail, even if they gave it a politically correct name."
"Who cares about Spike being dead?" Buffy said suddenly defensive.
"Well it seemed a shame to the future me, what with his soul being restored and everything," Anya explained.
"His SOUL?" Buffy asked as she stopped in her tracks. The Slayer gaped at Anya for a heartbeat then hustled her into a doorway.
"Spike got his soul back?" Buffy asked urgently, her confused emotions obvious even to Anya. "When? How? Why?"
"I don't know," she said unnerved. "I just made a bunch of quick notes. I think I was nervous."
"You've got exact stock tips but just an Oh by the way, Spike's got a soul but he's dead'." Buffy fumed. "Is that it?"
"Financial planning is very soothing," Anya explained forcefully. "It says there's going to be a tomorrow, be ready for it. And it wasn't just Spike's got his soul back but he's dead'. There was Buffy's hurt and confused and sad' on it too. And help her' and Don't let Willow kill herself.' "
Buffy shut her eyes for just a moment and tried to concentrate. The Slayer took a deep breath and let Anya go.
"Let's get moving," Buffy said raggedly. "We need to find this super witch before she finds us."
Anya looked after Buffy with frustrated concern. Buffy was falling back into hiding her hurts away behind duty and being the Slayer. Anya followed and caught up to Buffy when the petite woman stopped. The apartment building was attractive except for the broken windows and scorch marks much like the ones on the map in their hands.
"I think we found her," Anya said quietly.
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As soon as Buffy and Anya left the Magic Box Giles sat down on a chair.
"The owner survived but the store died," Giles said quietly. "I suppose that's an improvement in the Sunnydale magic store cycle."
Giles stood up slowly but was a bit off balance. It took him just a second too long to get his body steady. Xander walked up casually and shook his head.
"Why don't we cut through the whole I'm fine' and No you're not' dance," Xander said lightly. "You sit down and stop hurting, and I'll check on things."
"Sitting and aching do take less effort," Giles said tightly as he sat down.
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to ache somewhere else?" Xander asked with gentle sarcasm. "Hospitals have mostly stopped with the leeches and the bloodletting. They even have pills that make your aches go off on vacation."
"A hospital isn't going to help the magical damage, Xander," Giles chided. "That takes discipline and careful thought."
"Right now it looks like you've got the discipline and falling over parts covered," Xander said with some exasperation.
"No hospital, Xander," Giles said more gently.
"I-I don't think that's a good idea," Tara said softly, pulling at her blouse.
"Thank you, Tara, I just need some time," Giles said carefully. "You two had better check on the others."
Xander and Tara walked toward the back, honoring Giles' hidden request. Xander looked at Tara and saw her hunched shoulders and downcast look.
"Are you okay, you know, with being alive and all?" Xander said with more concern than he meant to show.
"It's wonderful," Tara started without enthusiasm, "but it's scary and I feel like I've messed up badly somehow."
"I know the feeling," Xander admitted.
"Not today," Tara said with genuine pride. "You saved Willow and the world." She looked pained for a moment and then glared at Xander. "What were you thinking about getting in the way of all that power?" Tara demanded. "You could have been killed!"
"Saving Willow and the world?" Xander said, confused. "Dawn said you saw us. Something about a protective spell? Is that what kept me from being deep fried Xander?"
"They weren't that strong, Xander," Tara said softly. "I'm not that good. It was you."
"Maybe," Xander said carefully. "And maybe it was us."
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Dawn was concerned about Willow. The woman was taking a long time getting dressed and seemed unsteady. The teenager's spirits lifted just a bit when Willow actually looked at her for a second.
"Dawnie," Willow started unsurely, then stopped.
"Willow, it's okay," Dawn replied gently. "I know it's hard to accept but I've had months to think about what happened. Then we found out about the loop of your magic tied to the Hellmouth. It kind of made sense. You didn't have much of a chance after Tara, ah, oh damn, I never thought I'd see you again."
Dawn reached for her and Willow let herself be embraced and even gave back a little bit.
"Don't worry, we're here for you," Dawn said desperately. "Please don't shut us out."
"It's hard, Dawnie," Willow whispered. "I hurt everybody."
"It wasn't you," Dawn insisted. "It wasn't you."
Willow scrubbed her eyes and clumsily finished buttoning up her blouse.
"I'll be out in a second," Willow said carefully as the teenager looked at her own clothes with a bemused expression. "You look like something out of a boarding school."
"I suppose you could call Jack' a finishing school at least," Dawn said as she tossed the jumpsuit into the garbage.
"Dawnie, did Tara ever say how much she saw of last night?" Willow asked as nonchalantly as she could as they came out of the ruin of the back room.
"Everything," Dawn said. "She followed all of us through until we came back."
Dawn didn't hear Willow's whisper of "Everything?" or the horror behind it. All of Dawn's attention was on Giles slumping forward in his chair.
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Xander's quip died in his throat as Dawn came out of the room in her "wholesome" outfit and looked past him in shock. He and Tara whirled before Dawn called out Giles' name in fear. Dawn rushed just behind them to his side.
No one saw Willow looking at the man she'd smashed about casually just hours ago being held in his chair by a bandaged Xander.
"Getting another kill?" a sardonic voice asked.
Willow turned and saw Warren leaning against the wall. She gaped at him.
"Hey, killer, looks like your almost dead girlfriend is going to try to help," Warren said brightly. "Isn't that how you started? Tied to the Hellmouth and helping the old Watcher and the Slayer? Now that you've contaminated her maybe you can give her some hints on how to skip the whole slow slide thing and just jump straight to evil and damned."
"Leave her alone!" snarled Willow as she sprang at him.
Warren vanished just before she reached him. She heard his laughter all around her as her hands touched nothing.
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Buffy and Anya approached the main entrance that was propped open as firefighters moved in and out with their coats and helmets off. An empty police car was nearby. They walked up past a knot of onlookers to the main entrance
"Can we go in and get our small but very loving and valued pet now?" Anya asked a firefighter coming out of the building. Buffy noticed both that the man was attractive and that Anya was preening a little.
"Are you on the third floor?" the young man asked. "That's still closed off, otherwise you can go up but you'll have to take the stairs."
"No third floor for us," Anya said perkily. "Strictly second floor."
"Go on in then, but be careful," the firefighter said watching the view as the two women went in.
"Flirt," Buffy said softly as they climbed the stairs.
"Civic minded," Anya said in a correcting tone. "Public safety morale is very important."
"A cute and studly fireman in turn out gear doesn't hurt," Buffy teased.
"Turn out gear?" Anya asked. "You sound like an expert in firefighters."
"I wanted to be one, once upon a time," Buffy admitted softly.
The door to the third floor was propped open but unguarded as the women arrived. They quietly walked down the hall to an apartment with an open door where a uniformed policeman looked inside.
"Excuse me, miss, you'll have to leave this floor," the young looking cop said politely turning toward them.
Buffy was trying to figure a way to look inside when Anya just brazenly walked up to the officer and looked in. A human formed of black ash lay on the floor.
"Is that her, the crazy black-haired woman?" Anya asked breathlessly. "I swear she had the biggest stun gun. And those weird black eyes."
"Did she have any other distinguishing marks?" the officer asked quickly.
"We didn't really know her," Buffy started as she looked questioningly at Anya.
"She had these weird blue black tattoos on her pale, pasty face," Anya said suddenly. "And she was always dressed in black and listening to that Goth metal noise."
"And she was strong," Buffy said quickly, not quite looking the policeman in the face.
"Like she was on drugs," Anya added disapprovingly.
"Drugs?" a new voice asked.
Buffy turned to see three men in suits coming down the hall. Two of them had Sunnydale Police badges on their belts. The other man had the look less of a policeman and more of a predator. Anya touched her amulet and whispered something Buffy didn't quite get. Then she turned to the detectives.
"I was just telling the officer this must be that black-haired crazy lady the news is talking about this morning," Anya said carefully.
"Neighbors describe a woman, black hair, pale complexion with odd dark facial tattoos, and carrying an illegal electric weapon," the young cop reported. "She was described as being strong, possibly into PCP or some new kind of methamphetamine compound."
The detectives nodded and shooed the civilians off after getting Anya's false apartment number. The third man just looked intently into Buffy and Anya's faces. The Slayer was sure he had memorized them. Walking away from him made her feel tense and unprotected.
After they had left the building, Buffy let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding.
"Who was that guy?" Buffy asked nervously.
"The one with the detectives?" Anya asked more calmly. "I don't know but he didn't seem to be influenced by the spell much."
"What spell did you use?" Buffy asked, concern showing in her voice.
"Just a this is your idea' spell," Anya explained brightly. "Public officials love their own ideas, and it fits the usual suspects for Sunnydale crime waves."
"So they don't go looking for Willow," Buffy said carefully.
"She should be in the clear," Anya stated proudly.
"An, could it be Tara that baked Miss Grey?" Buffy asked worriedly. "Those marks on the map and the marks on the windows looked a lot alike."
"She doesn't have that much power and the fire was out when we got there," Anya explained rationally. "This Miss Grey probably was looking for why the magic got crazy this morning and got too close to the Hellmouth. I'd say our Wiccans were in the clear."
That's when they heard the horns and saw Willow run into the street. Buffy moved like a Slayer and almost picked her friend off the hood of a car. Willow's hands clutched Buffy's arms as Buffy put her down on the sidewalk.
"That was amazing," Anya gasped.
"Yeah," Buffy said laying Willow down gently, "But how did I do it?"
"Keep him away from me," Willow whimpered.
"Keep who away, Will?" Buffy asked quickly looking around.
"Warren! He's behind you!" Willow screeched helplessly as she pointed over Buffy's shoulder. Buffy whirled around to stare at a blank wall.
"Keep him away from me," Willow cried.
Chapter Three
Xander leaps to Giles and steadies him. I get there a heartbeat later and feel for his pulse in his wrist. An old CPR class comes to mind as I watch Giles take a ragged breath. There's a steady but weak pulse.
"I'll be alright in just a moment," Giles pants. "I'm just a bit tired."
I use my power to look at his and I gasp. All Giles has left is his bare essence.
"You didn't have any borrowed power left," I exclaim in wonder. "You used your very essence for Dawn."
"Is that bad?" Dawn asks urgently.
"Dangerous," I say censoring myself. I want to say fatal.
"I had a touch of Anya's power for that," Giles says defensively.
"And when you tried to heal me?" I ask very softly.
Giles just gives me a weak smile.
"A pair of stupid, brave men who are going to get themselves killed one day," I snap brushing my eyes clear of sudden tears. "But not now, do you understand?"
"I'd listen to her, Giles," Xander adds as he gently keeps Giles upright. "Tara, can you do something?"
"I-I think so," I say uncertainly, "but I'll need a book."
Xander looks around him at the damage and then at the scattered empty books. I feel his doubt and worry build.
"Was it a magic book?" Xander asks carefully.
"Not exactly," I say quickly, trying to give him some hope. "It was about healing and old medicine. It just mentioned magic. I was looking for something when..."
"When Mom got sick," Dawn says gently. "I saw you and Willow doing the research."
"You're supposed to be studying while you're here, Dawn," Giles says chiding her weakly. Dawn smiles at his admonishment.
"Still strong enough to lecture," she observes happily.
"Willow, do you remember what the book you and Tara...Will?" Xander says as he turns around.
I hear his concern in his voice. I feel for her and sense her in the alley. I catch confusing images of her and Warren. He's talking to her, saying something about only evil can love evil. I feel her fear and it triggers mine. Together it becomes something primeval trying to rip out my heart.
"She's, she's-the alley," I gibber. "Warren. Oh God, no, please."
Xander leaps up and races to the back of the store, springing over the wreckage. Willow's in danger and I know I should follow him, but I just sit there, my cowardly fear anchoring me to the spot. I can feel pain and creeping coldness in my chest. I draw back from the feeling in a whimpering, useless ball of fright. From somewhere far away I hear Dawn calling my name.
"Tara, HELP!" Dawn barks and it finally gets through.
She's holding Giles steady in the chair. He's out cold. I touch him and feel his presence. He's weakening but alive.
Suddenly, in the alley, I feel my protection spell on Xander surge slightly, then stop because the threat isn't magical. I catch a brief glimpse of Willow swinging a piece of wood at Warren, who turns to Xander, a Xander that's falling to the pavement. I hear something about good going killer' in my mind and then I'm looking into Dawn's frightened eyes.
"Xander's hurt in the alley," I say shaking my head. Things don't get a lot clearer. When I look back up, Dawn is gone. I hear her rushing to the alley. Giles groans softly. I think he called after Dawn. I need the book but I don't have time to look through the rubble. I touch the power I have through the Hellmouth and chant softly.
"Brigit, Imhotep, Asclepius, Gula; as healers I implore you, beg you for knowledge so that I may heal another," I whisper, hoping I don't offend with my tainted magic.
"Here it is," Dawn says with a touch of effort.
I look up and see her supporting Xander and holding an old book. She looks guiltily at me as she helps a groggy, shaken Xander to a broken chair.
"I couldn't find Willow," Dawn says hesitantly. "Xander was hurt and I thought...I'm sorry."
I feel for Willow, then feel her panic. It frightens me but this time I go past it. I feel her closing on Buffy and Anya from their protection spells. For a moment I feel all their fear as a car comes out of nowhere.
"NO!" I shout helplessly.
Buffy is there just as suddenly and I feel a brief moment of panic followed by confusion from Buffy and Anya.
"Buffy," I explain tiredly. "She's safe."
"Tara, can you help Giles?" Dawn is asking urgently, trusting me to have an answer.
"Let me see the book," I say in a non-answer.
"Here it is," I muse out loud, "Early healers knew empathic healing may be done but only if the empath has within their command a source of magic free of blemish. Whereas this could be done to gentle the flux of essences disrupted by ailments by other means untreatable, it may also be done to heal those wounded by magic. The risks..."
Dawn and I look helplessly at the burned pages.
"I can't do it," I say with more than a touch of fright for Giles. "I don't know how and I need untainted magic."
"We're in a magic shop," Dawn says angrily and then looks around, "or what used to be one."
"It's all drained away," I say with more despair in my voice than I want. I'm failing Giles, - teacher, friend, and father of my heart.
"My protective spell," Dawn says quickly. "You're alive, so it's still here, and you cast it before you died, so it's clean."
"But-" I start.
"Giles needs the magic more than I do," Dawn points out with a surprisingly adult calmness. "And you can do it, I know you can." The adult is gone and Dawn is looking at me with those trusting puppy eyes.
I lever myself up to kneeling by Giles. I reach out my hand to Dawn and close my eyes. I need to see with the inner eye for this.
"Think of taking off a warm coat and putting it over Giles," I say keeping my own fear of failure out of my voice.
Something passes through me that feels warm and trusting. I push it gently along to the fading beauty that I feel at the core of Giles. I place it gently over that core. I can't describe the rush I feel as the magic takes root and Giles stirs. It's as good as the first time Willow and I kissed.
"Wow," I say intelligently. Words are too hard right now, what with the store tilting like it is.
I feel Dawn push me slightly and the Magic Box stops tilting. I don't know how large my smile is but Dawn seems to take comfort from it.
"What was that?" Buffy asks from the door.
"Healing," Giles says steadily as I just ride the joy that I'm feeling.
Then Anya helps Willow in and a soft rush of guilt-filled pain and self-loathing breaks my happiness like a soap bubble. I get up to go to her and I feel all my bones ache, but most of the pain settles into my ribs. My breathing comes in small panting efforts as I try to rush to her. Willow pulls away from me. The small gesture makes me stop and just hang my head.
That's when I realize I can barely feel her. The bare touch I have with Willow is the strongest in the room. The next strongest connection is Buffy. I can barely sense her fear for us but the burgeoning drive to go where she's needed is clear. I think I also feel the bone deep knowledge that her chance to set things right is passing swiftly. The rest are just weak reminders of the emotions I felt less than an hour ago.
Willow and Buffy need me but I've used up almost all my power.
I've failed them again.
Chapter Four
Buffy and Giles are looking at Xander holding Willow. He's the only one of us she'll let near her now I'm trying not to look at her and failing miserably. Anya is looking through the ruins of her store for some salt and a candle. I suggested that mostly to give myself a little time. I'm trying to find some scrap of power that doesn't come from the Hellmouth. Every time I look inward I can sense the Hellmouth but little else.
"Grey is toast, badly burned toast, so that threat's gone," Buffy says with a shiver. Then she looks at the huddled forms of her friends. "I need Will, Giles," Buffy tells Giles softly. "We're almost out of time."
"I think we have a slim chance of getting her stable, Buffy," Giles says in that musing tone of his, "But it's very slim."
"I don't care if it's as skinny as a supermodel," Buffy tries to quip.
Giles picks up the burned book Dawn found in the wreckage. I don't need empathy to tell he's saddened by the damage and the loss of knowledge. Books are a large part of his life; they're his weapons against the darkness that threatens everyone. Books and a heart as strong as any warrior. He turns to me.
"Tara, what did you use to heal me?" Giles asks gently.
"I took the protective spell I wove when I left for Dawn, took it's power and..." I struggle for words and breath. "You know, draped it over your center."
Buffy looks quickly in my direction. Dawn steps up and meets her gaze.
"It was my suggestion," Dawn states calmly.
"And a very intuitive one at that," Giles says as he looks carefully at Dawn. I think he's finally seeing how much she's grown. I smile a little. My young friend is earning her way back to adulthood.
"Do I still have a Tara spell on me?" Xander asks quietly. Willow lifts her head and looks at him.
"No," she says tiredly. "Keep it. He can't get you then."
"He?" Dawn whispers as Xander cradles Willow again and looks at us with a pleading gaze.
"Warren," Buffy says tightly.
"But, oh," Dawn says suddenly angry. "Somehow he's put a spell on her."
"No," Anya says tiredly. "She just thinks he's there."
"She hasn't had any hallucinations since we found her," Buffy says with a thinking tilt to her head. "Anya, take a magic look at Will."
"I have," Anya explains. "But the only thing I see is a light green energy tint over most of the damage."
"Most of the damage," Buffy says quickly.
"Madness and black magic go hand in hand," Anya says with a scowl. Watching Xander hold Willow isn't any easier for her I realize. Another friend hurt. I look at Willow and start towards her. Buffy takes my arm gently.
"Wait," is all she says.
Buffy walks over to Willow and Xander. She kneels next to them and brushes an errant lock out of Willow's face. Willow cringes but Buffy just smiles gently.
"Will, Xander is going to try to help you," Buffy says softly. "But he's going to need help."
"Not Tara," Willow insists desperately. "She loves me so she's evil too."
"Xander can keep you safe," Buffy insists.
"He'll kill Tara again," Willow wails softly. "Or I'll do it. I'm a killer."
"No," Buffy says firmly. "We'll stop it."
Willow looks up at her friend from whatever hell my love is living in and wavers. I breathe a quick fervent prayer to any listening power in the eternity that follows. Then Willow holds out her hand and lets Buffy pull her up.
"I'm sorry," Willow says looking down.
I walk over carefully, staying out of Willow's sight. Xander stands and looks at me. I mouth the words "hold her" and force myself to ignore the pain as I ask someone else to comfort my love. I show him with my arms how I need her held. Willow leans into the shelter of his arms. I beckon Dawn over. She stands next to me and I whisper to her to tell Xander what I told her earlier.
"Xander," Dawn says carefully, "Imagine taking a warm coat off and putting it around Willow's shoulders."
As Dawn speaks I touch Xander's hand and Willow's back at the same time. Again I feel the warmth and trust, but this time instead of a fading warmth at the core I find a maelstrom of emotion and images around a small uncovered part of Willow. The feelings and images are somehow familiar. I don't dwell on it because I can feel Willow give a start in Xander's hold. I force the warmth over the raw hurt and feel Willow sag under my hand. The tempest stops. Then I fly backwards hard.
"Stupid half-dead, half-human CULL!" shrieks a shrill voice.
I look up and blink at the enraged woman in front of me. Miss Grey wasn't as dead as we thought. Xander has pulled Willow's limp form away, putting himself between the mage and her.
"Out of my way, animal," Miss Grey snarls and gestures at Xander. Nothing happens.
"Don't touch her," Giles commands. "She can't touch us."
"What do you know of magic, savage?" Miss Grey snaps.
"Patterns for one thing," Giles says in a firm yet lecturing tone. "Dawn and Tara could only come back to a place with their own bodies, Tara's animated by the Hellmouth. I'd hazard you couldn't get the Miss Grey, I believe, from our time to accept the future Miss Grey. You're just not that trusting."
Miss Grey gestures at him but nothing happens.
"Without a body to bind to the earth I think you'll be mostly helpless," Giles said coldly.
"If I can't have a robust animal to ride," Miss Grey sneers, "I'll take the half- woman."
Buffy takes me down so fast I don't even squeak until we're on the floor. The dark beam of power misses and hits a broken display case. Then the store shakes a little.
"I have the full range of power lost from the nexus point, beast," Miss Grey boasts. "Not the narrow band of weakness that you've tied to the cull."
A piece of wood slams into Xander's back as he protects Willow. Dawn rushes to his side holding a large piece of wreckage like a shield.
"Leave them alone!" I snap and touch the power I feel welling up in my core as my anger slams home.
I send the power at her in the form of a bolt of white light. She bats it away and looks at me with a feral smile.
"Get out of my store," Anya says angrily.
A bolt of ruby power slams into the Arcadian from Anya with Giles holding her hand and concentrating. Miss Grey gestures an instant before the bolt smashes her into nothingness.
An instant later both of my friends sag with their efforts. Suddenly Miss Grey reappears, but she's covered with black muck that seems to be pulling on her. She's struggling when I stand up and place myself between Anya and Giles, facing them. I hold up my hands.
"Don't hurt her, please!" I beg dramatically. "I love her!"
Miss Grey screams in rage as the onyx tendrils redouble their efforts. They grab the Arcadian and tear her into nothingness. The Magic Box is silent for a moment. Buffy stands up, looking at me quizzically.
"The Hellmouth doesn't like me," I explain with a small shrug.
"You can be tricky," Buffy observes with a wicked smile.
"My store?" Giles asks Anya pointedly.
"Helping, not boosting after being healed?" Anya replies waspishly.
"You love her?" Willow asks in a small voice. So much for clever plans. I hurry to her side. Willow meets my eyes and doesn't flinch away. I take the hand she holds out so tentatively.
"No," Xander says with gentle firmness, "She loves you."
I almost miss the pain in his voice and the way Willow relaxes. She trusts him instantly. Xander is looking at me intently.
"Did you get hit by something?" he asks.
"I don't think so," I say confused. Then I realize my cheek is burning faintly and the feeling is echoed on my chest. Xander almost touches the dressing on his face but stops.
"What did she mean by narrow band?" Dawn asks. "What's a cull?"
"A cull is something that doesn't measure up that you get rid of," I answer as I try to move without hurting.
"Narrow band," Willow says with a tiny bit more energy than she's shown before. I feel relief out of all proportion.
"It might make sense," Willow goes on tiredly. She's looking at me with hope for the first time.
"What does?" Anya asks quickly.
"We only see visible light, not ultraviolet or X-rays," Willow explains. "If the Hellmouth had any good magic we don't see it, but it might exist."
"Might," Buffy says carefully.
I feel myself deflate. I caught the conditional phrase too. Hellmouth and the side of Light just don't add up.
"I can't see that tight -" Buffy starts and then looks at Dawn. "-ly wound Michelle tying Tara to evil."
"No," Anya agrees brightly. "She was on the side of Light in a really prissy way."
Buffy considers this for a moment and then turns to Giles.
"Any prophesies about any of this?" Buffy asks quickly.
"You mean the one about the time traveling witch and the cosmic power source and Slayers traveling through a nexus of evil to where they think they should have been?" Giles says carefully.
"None, huh?" Buffy states with a shrug of her shoulders. She looks at me and makes her decision.
"Time's running out," Buffy says with urgency. "What do we do?"
I look at Buffy and try to frame the answer that we do nothing because your guide is drained and useless in the gentlest way. I look at her and even without empathy I know Buffy has to do this on a level that's as powerful as her Slayer's need to protect others from the horrors in the night. I can't fail her, not after everything she's done for all of us. I touch the power I've been avoiding and pray Willow is right.
She is and I know it as soon as I feel the weak but steady tendrils of energy. For some reason I feel sad taking them, but it's more wistful than overpowering. It takes just a second. Now I can do what I have to do for my friend and protector.
"I don't know," I admit as I stand stiffly. "Michelle said I'm your guide and your family is your anchor. I think we need to stick to the very basics."
"I agree," Giles says nodding. "Willow and Xander supporting Buffy for three."
"Three?" Buffy says slightly confused. "The four of them brought me back."
"Three is enough," I explain, "four is complete and seven is power. It goes back a long ways, back to when you had to say things carefully."
"What's zero?" Buffy asks quickly.
"Nullification, a new start, perfect balance," Giles says warming to his subject. "All of that and hundreds of others. Zero can be quite frightening actually. Why?"
Buffy shrugs and Giles lets it go, but there's something under that question.
"I don't know how supporting I can be," Willow says weakly.
"I've got to guide so Dawn will anchor you, Anya will anchor Xander for four," I reassure her.
"Dawn?" Buffy asks with bald concern. I just nod.
"That's the complete anchor, as in sinking to the bottom?" Xander asks trying to hold back his nervousness.
"I would say steadfast and unmoving," Anya replies.
"What about Giles?" Willow asks. "Strength or Wisdom?"
"Wisdom," Dawn says softly. "Strength and base for the guide."
Giles and the rest of us just stare at her for a second.
"It seemed right," Dawn says slightly wilting.
"I think it is," Giles says with a thoughtful frown. "We're definitely having that long discussion after this."
"And Buffy makes three of that triangle on the four and seven total," Anya says brightly. "That balances, just like my books."
Giles just rolls his eyes. The rest of us start to clear a rough circle. Then we lay the simple circle on the floor. The Scoobies sit at the cardinal points with Buffy in the middle. Anya hands Dawn the single white candle in an old fashioned holder.
"You're family and blood," Anya says in a matter of fact tone.
Giles is scribing a smaller circle inside the first. It touches the first circle near Dawn's cardinal point. He sits down carefully in the circle. He proves his wisdom by being the only one who finds a pad to sit on.
I sit in front of him and motion for Buffy to stand in the center of the larger circle.
"Again the question, what do we do?" Buffy asks impatiently.
"Are you ready to go?" I ask.
"Pretty much," Buffy says brightly as she shows me her axe, a flask of holy water and two stakes.
"Okay," I reply, oddly comforted by the knowledge Buffy has her axe. "Now think of where you should be and think of stepping that way."
I think of the wail I've heard in the night when I was dead. I hear it almost immediately but it's fading. Buffy looks the direction I hear the mournful cry coming from. I reach up, touch her hand and watch the Magic Box vanish.