You sigh, fighting to hold onto your temper because you know it's not his fault really, that he's in shock and overwhelmed by all that's happened and all that he's discovered in the last seventy-two hours, but you also know that you're near breaking point yourself; there's only so much of this anyone can stand. "Look, George," you say, keeping your voice soft and understanding, "I couldn't tell you about my past. And not just you. I couldn't tell anyone! And I understand how hurtful that must be for you, but you have to believe me when I say that I never meant to hurt you-"
"How can you say that, Ruth?!" he exclaims. "You knew what you were doing. It was a lie! All of it." You see the anguish in his face as he says it and the anger in his eyes when he demands suddenly, "Is that even your real name?"
"Yes, Ruth is my real name," you reply patiently, even as you feel the frustration mount inside you, feeling like you're going round in circles.
"What's the rest of it?" he demands.
"You're missing the point, George," you evade the question with practised ease, pushing aside the sudden stab of guilt you feel for not trusting him with that information, fearing that his wounded pride might make him do something to hurt you with the information that you've guarded so well until now. And just as you push away that thought, the face of another man flashes before your mind's eye, the only man you'd ever trust to never harm you, the only man who never would. But he's part of another life now, one you left behind and don't want to return to, no matter how wonderful it was to see him again and how much love and longing was in his gaze even after all this time. "I did what I had to do to protect myself, the people I worked with and my country," you explain quickly, refocusing your mind on the present and the man before you, your partner, George. "This isn't some game I suddenly decided to play, George. I was a..." you cast around your mind for a word he can relate to, "soldier and I'm sworn to secrecy about certain things, but that doesn't mean that our whole life together was a lie. I'm with you for all the right reasons and my feelings for you and Nico are fiercely strong. I've been... myself with you in a way that I have never been with anyone else... Why isn't that enough? What difference can it possibly make to you if I went to Oxford or Aberdeen? If I worked as a clerk in a hospital in Liverpool or for MI-5 in London? It doesn't change who I am with you and Nico, or how much I care."
You watch him as he paces across the room, his brow furrowed in thought though his gaze is still angry and hurt. At least he's thinking instead of just reacting, which is what he's been doing until now, you think with some relief, but when he turns to you and speaks, you know that he's not likely to let this go any time soon. "Your past has endangered us, Ruth," he says more calmly. "And that's what bothers me. That Nico and I never had a choice. You lied to us."
"I'm sorry, George," you sigh, knowing that he's right and that, if things had turned out differently, if he or Nico had been hurt or killed, you would have been drowning in guilt yourself for that very reason. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen... But the chances of it happening were minuscule. I mean, what if an old boyfriend came after me and you and Nico got hurt in the process of him extracting his twisted idea of revenge? Do I need to tell you about all my old liaisons as well, about very person I've ever met who might hold a grudge?"
"It's not the same thing, Ruth," he growls, "and you know it."
"Maybe not, but it's not that different," you insist. "I worked it out, you know. Before I started dating you. I didn't want to hide all this from you, but in the end, I realised that I had no choice. So to ease my mind, I worked out that the probability of someone finding and coming after me for something I did for Five was tiny."
He watches you for a moment without saying anything, and you take courage from this and murmur, "Look, you remember Jo? She's really great with kids and she's offered to babysit Nico tonight so we can go out. There's a kind of function that she's got invitations for, but she doesn't want to go and she thought we might like to. Free wine bar and they'll be dancing. What do you think?"
You mentally cross your fingers as you watch him consider your proposal, knowing that this conversation between you isn't over, but hoping that he can take the step back you feel is necessary for you both to have some breathing space to think and work out how you can move past this together. And much to your relief, he nods in agreement.