Trial By Landsmeet

by Helena L

A full-length song parody of the Gilbert & Sullivan operetta 'Trial by Jury'. The Wardens have called a Landsmeet to denounce Loghain and install Alistair as king, but Queen Anora is most unwilling to give up her throne. Can this totally fair and unbiased Landsmeet find a solution that will satisfy everybody?

A/N: Because the world needs more Dragon Age / Gilbert & Sullivan crossovers. So say I, at least.

This is a full-length parody of the G&S operetta 'Trial by Jury', starring the cast of Dragon Age: Origins. The original words and music, for those who aren't familiar with them, can be found at the Gilbert and Sullivan Archive through the link in my profile.

A couple of notes: The Warden in this piece is not the same one who appears in my other Landsmeet stories, but he is also a male Human Noble (otherwise the ending doesn't really work). Also, 'Teyrn' should be pronounced roughly as 'tern' (the pronunciation in-game is inconsistent).

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TRIAL BY LANDSMEET

(At the palace in Denerim, the capital city, the nobles of Ferelden are gathered for the Landsmeet.)

CHORUS
Hark, the trumpets loud are sounding;
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding.
Royal Palace, crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear.

For today, with our accordance,
On a charge of grave importance,
Loghain and his foes the Wardens
Shortly will appear.

Hark, the trumpets loud are sounding;
Hearts with anxious fears are bounding.
Royal Palace, crowds surrounding,
Breathing hope and fear!

(ARL EAMON steps up to address the crowd.)

EAMON
Now, Banns and Arls, hear my advice,
All kinds of vulgar prejudice
From here must be expelled,
From here must be expelled.
With just and moral frame of mind,
From bias free of every kind,
This Landsmeet must be held!

CHORUS
From bias free of every kind,
This Landsmeet must be held!

EAMON
Silence in court! Silence!

Oh, listen to the Wardens' case,
And picture your sons in the place
Of those the darkspawn felled.
Condole with their distress of mind!
From bias free of every kind,
This Landsmeet must be held!

CHORUS
From bias free of every kind,
This Landsmeet must be held!

EAMON
Silence in court! Silence!

EAMON
And when amid their anguished cries,
The treacherous Teyrn Loghain tries
To see his rule upheld,
What he may say you needn't mind;
From bias free of every kind,
This Landsmeet must be held!

CHORUS
From bias free of every kind,
This Landsmeet must be held!

EAMON
Silence in court! Silence in court!

(Enter the WARDEN with ALISTAIR, LELIANA and their other companions.)

WARDEN
Is this the Royal Palace chamber?

CHORUS
It is!

WARDEN
I sense approaching danger!
I must proceed from here with caution.

CHORUS
Who are you?

WARDEN
I'm a Grey Warden!

CHORUS
Traitor,dread our punishment.
We're the Landsmeet!
Here the banns meet!

WARDEN
Hear me, hear me, if you please.
These are very strange proceedings –
For, permit me to remark,
On the merits of my pleadings
You're at present in the dark.

CHORUS
That's a very true remark –
On the merits of his pleadings
We're entirely in the dark.
Ha, ha! Ho, ho!
Ha, ha! Ho, ho!

(LELIANA strums a lute as the WARDEN begins to sing.)

WARDEN
When first a Warden I became
My bosom welled with pride.
To Ostagar with Duncan I came,
Fighting at Cailan's side!
Against the darkspawn hordes we faced
His soldiers fought and died,
To light the signal we Wardens raced,
Fighting for Cailan's side!
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

CHORUS
Tink-a-tank!

WARDEN
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

CHORUS
Tink-a-tank!

WARDEN
To light the signal we Wardens raced,
Fighting for Cailan's side!

But Loghain quit the field that day,
And led his troops aside.
King Cailan perished in the fray,
Duncan at his side.
To keep the truth from the Bannorn's ears,
He's schemed and murdered and lied,
So now I stand before you here
To tell the other side!
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

CHORUS
Tink-a-tank!

WARDEN
Tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank, tink-a-tank,

CHORUS
Tink-a-tank!

WARDEN
At last I stand before you here
To tell the other side!

CHORUS
Tink-a-tank!

MEN
Oh, I've heard that story as well,
But 'till it's been proved it's just tattle.
No witnesses are there to tell
What really took place in that battle.
It is clear to us all in this place
That Loghain's become a dictator,
But how can we possibly face
Declaring our hero a traitor?

He shall certainly die
If this isn't a lie,
Singing so angrily – Loghain shall die!
He shall die! He shall die!
Singing so angrily – Loghain shall die!

ALL
He shall die! He shall die!
Singing so angrily – Loghain shall die!
He shall die! He shall die!
Singing so angrily – he shall die!

(Enter TEYRN LOGHAIN along with his guards and SER CAUTHRIEN.)

CAUTHRIEN
Silence in court!
Silence in court!
And all attention lend.
Behold your Teyrn!
In due submission bend!

CHORUS
All hail the Regent;
To his decree
We never will consent
To bend the knee.
All hail, all hail,
All hail, all hail, all hail!
Let him defend
His actions here,
And bring an end
To strife and fear!
All hail, all hail,
All hail, all hail, all hail!

LOGHAIN
For these harsh wordsI give no thanks, but say
The Warden's schemes I will oppose today.
But firstly, if my story you'll not spurn,
I'll tell you how I came to be a Teyrn.

CHORUS
He'll tell us how he came to be a Teyrn.

LOGHAIN
I'll tell you how,

CHORUS
He'll tell us how,

LOGHAIN
I'll tell you how,

CHORUS
He'll tell us how he came to be a Teyrn.

LOGHAIN
Let me speak!

CHORUS
Let him speak!

LOGHAIN
Let me speak!

CHORUS
Let him speak!

LOGHAIN
Let me speak!

CHORUS (getting quieter)
Yes, let him speak.
Hush, hush! He speaks.
Hush, hush! He speaks.
Hush! Hush!
(Very loudly) HE'LL TELL US HOW, TELL US HOOOOOOOOW!

EAMON
SILENCE IN COURT!

LOGHAIN
When I, good friends, was but a young man,
I was only a simple farmer,
Who never dreamed of glory and power
Or knights in shining armour.
But the foul Orlesians occupied our land,
From our own homes we were driven,
So my family joined an outlaw band,
And we swore they'd not be forgiven!

CHORUS
So his family joined an outlaw band
And he swore they'd not be forgiven!

LOGHAIN
One day I met another young man
On the run from spies and traitors,
Who'd fled his fate at the treacherous hands
Of base collaborators.
His name was Maric of the Theirin line,
A rebel Prince in hiding;
So we joined his army,and at his sign
To war we all went riding!

CHORUS
So they joined his army,and at his sign
To war they all went riding!

LOGHAIN
The rebel Prince was dashing and bold;
Round him the folks all rallied,
We robbed our foes of weapons and gold
And forth to battle we sallied.
Maric placed our armies into my bold hands;
I led our troops in battle,
'Til an enemy spy revealed our plans
And they mowed us all down like cattle!

CHORUS (shocked)
'Til an enemy spy revealed their plans
And they mowed them all down like cattle!

LOGHAIN
The few of us left,we hurried away
From that place of death and slaughter,
And took our revenge one glorious day
When Orlesian blood flowed like water.
The cruel chevaliers earned their just reward –
Defeat and catastrophe –
And I stole the commander's armour and sword
As a souvenir battle trophy!

CHORUS
And he stole the commander's armour and sword
As a souvenir battle trophy!

LOGHAIN
At length our efforts overcame
The Orlesian occupation,
And we achieved our ultimate aim:
The freedom of our nation.
King Maric valued my strength and skill,
As his right hand he chose me…
And now, if you please, I'm ready to kill
All those who dare oppose me!

CHORUS
And now, if you please, he's ready to kill
All those who dare oppose him!

LOGHAIN
For now I'm a Teyrn!

CHORUS
And a (good)/(bad) Teyrn, too!

(Throughout the rest of the song, the chorus shout "good" or "bad" according to their sympathies.)

LOGHAIN
Yes, now I'm a Teyrn!

CHORUS
And a good Teyrn, too!

LOGHAIN
Though all the land may burn,
Yet I'll never, never learn,
But I'll live and die a Teyrn!

CHORUS
And a good Teyrn, too!

LOGHAIN
It was managed by a job –

CHORUS
And a good job too!

LOGHAIN
It was managed by a job –

CHORUS
And a good job too!

LOGHAIN
It is patent to the mob
That my being made a nob
Was effected by a job.

CHORUS
And a good job too!

(EAMON and CAUTHRIEN step forward.)

EAMON
Swear thou the Landsmeet!

CAUTHRIEN
Kneel, noblemen, oh, kneel!

(They kneel.)

EAMON
O, will you swear by yonder skies,
Whatever question may arise
'Twixt rich and poor, 'twixt low and high,
That you to seek the truth will try.

MEN
To all of this we make reply,
To all of this we make reply,
By the red taint of yonder sky:
That we to seek the truth will try.

CHORUS
We will well and truly try!

(During the playout, LOGHAIN approaches the WARDEN.)

LOGHAIN
Where is my daughter?
Let her now be brought!

EAMON
Oh, Queen Anora,
Come thou to the court!
Queen Anora!

WARDEN
Queen Anora!

EAMON
Queen Anoooooooooora!

WARDEN
Queen Anoooooooooo-

EAMON
-ra!

WOMEN
Comes the grieving widow,
Comes the noble Queen.
Fairest flower amid all
Those our land has seen!
Our support, O lady,
You can count upon.
Fear no prospect shady
Now that Cailan's gone,
Now that Cailan's gone!

Have no regrets for what has been;
Happy, happy be thy life, O Queen!
Have no regrets for what has been;
Happy be thy life, O Queen!
Happy be thy life, O Queen!
Happy, happy be thy life, O Queen!

(Enter ANORA.)

ANORA
Father has betrayed me,
And usurped the throne.
Called to Cailan's aid, he
Left him to die alone.
He cannot be trusted,
This to me is clear.
He, and not the Warden
Is the one to fear,
Is the one to fear.
No time to weep for what has been;
I must claim the throne as Queen!

WOMEN
Have no regrets for what has been;
Happy be thy life, O Queen!
Happy be thy life, O Queen!
Happy, happy be thy life, O Queen!

WARDEN
Oh, never, never, never
Since I joined the human race,
Saw I so exquisitely fair a face!

MEN
Ah, sly dog! Ah, sly dog!

WARDEN
How say you,
Would she not be quite a capture?

BANN SIGHARD (after consulting with the others)
We've but one word, my lord,
And that is: Rapture!

ANORA
Your kindness, gentlemen, quite overpowers!

MEN
We love you fondly, and would make you ours!

WOMEN
Ah, sly dogs! Ah, sly dogs!

MEN
We love you fondly, and would make you,
Would make you ours!

ALL (to LOGHAIN)
Traitor! Traitor! Dread our rages,
For your sins you've earned your wages!
Come, merciless punishment!
Merciless punishment!
Punishment!
Pun-

EAMON
Silence in court!

WARDEN
May it please you, my lords!
Noblemen of the Landsmeet!
With a sense of deep emotion,
I approach this painful case;
For I never had a notion
That a man could be so base,
Or deceive his only daughter –
Send her husband to the slaughter!

CHORUS
He deceived his only daughter –
Sent her husband to the slaughter!

WARDEN
See our well-beloved Queen Consort,
Victim of a heartless scheme;
See the traitor's vicious onslaught
Raise him up to power supreme!
She relied on him to guide her,
Trusted him to rule beside her.

CHORUS
She relied on him to guide her,
Trusted him to rule beside her.

WARDEN
Swiftly followed civil war
And a host of gruesome tales,
Torture, slavery and more,
Darkest deeds beyond the pale!
Loghain tried to poison Eamon;
Filled the Circle tower with demons!

CHORUS
Loghain tried to poison Eamon;
Filled the Circle tower with demons!

WARDEN
Picture her to Father going,
And insisting he explain;
Picture him his daughter throwing
Into prison, for his gain!
She would not do as he willed her,
So her father would have killed her!

CHORUS
She would not do as he willed her,
So her father would have killed her!

(Anora begins to cry.)

WARDEN (to Anora)
Cheer up, my lady –
Oh, cheer up!

MEN
Cheer up, cheer up,
Dear lady!

ANORA
Ah, me! Ah, me!

MEN
Cheer up, cheer up,
Dear lady!

ANORA
Ah, me! Ah, me!

ARL WULFF
That she's grief-stricken
Is plain to see!

BANN SIGHARD (to ANORA)
If cruel deeds sicken,
Then turn to me!

ANORA
I shall be better
If left alone.

CHORUS (shaking their fists at LOGHAIN)
Oh, vile blood-letter,
Atone! Atone!

EAMON (aside)
Just like her father
She seems to be.

WARDEN (to ANORA)
Or if you'd rather,
Rely on me!

ARL WULFF
For Loghain's daughter
Reserve the throne!

CHORUS (to LOGHAIN)
For this sad slaughter,
Atone! Atone!
(shaking fists at LOGHAIN)
Traitor! Dread our rages,
For your sins you've earned your wages!
Traitor, traitor, dread our rages!

LOGHAIN
Oh gentlemen, listen, I pray –
Though my actions appear to be treason,
The deeds you have heard of today,
I would not have done without reason!
One cannot make war without gold,
Nor can this fair land be united
When noblemen falsehoods are told,
And to senseless rebellion incited.

Ah! Consider the moral, I pray,
Nor bring a great General to sorrow,
Who follows King Cailan today
But pulls back his army tomorrow.

WOMEN
Consider the moral, we pray,
Nor bring a great General to sorrow,
Who follows King Cailan today
But pulls back his army tomorrow!

LOGHAIN (indicating ALISTAIR)
This bastard may be Maric's son,
But as King he would be a disaster.
A puppet who'd dance to the tune
Of some painted Orlesian paymaster!
My daughter has ruled for five years,
While Cailan just stood looking pretty.
And Alistair Theirin, I fear,
As a king would be equally… awful.

Ah! But if he's determined to rule,
With honour the matter we'll settle;
Let us prepare for a duel,
And we'll try out this false Prince's mettle!

(ALISTAIR begins to duel LOGHAIN, while the WARDEN confers with ANORA.)

WOMEN
But if he's determined to rule,
With honour the matter they'll settle;
Let them prepare for a duel,
And we'll try out this young Prince's mettle!

(Eventually, ALISTAIR defeats LOGHAIN and kills him. ANORA is upset; the WARDEN comforts her. The other nobles gather around them.)

WARDEN (taking ANORA's hand)
I have a reasonable proposition,
To which, I think, your Lordships may agree –

EAMON
But I submit, my lords, with all submission,
Anora is not true nobility!

Since King Calenhad took power
In Ferelden's darkest hour,
It's a thing that's quite unknown
For commoners to take the throne!

WOMEN
Oh, man of wisdom!

MEN
Oh, man of wisdom!

EAMON
A nice dilemma we have here,
That calls for all our wit,
For all our wit.

WARDEN
And at this stage, it don't appear
That we can settle it.

ALISTAIR
If I the throne refuse to take,
Anora 'twill surely be!

ANORA
But though a well-loved Queen I'd make,
I'm not nobility!

ALL
A nice dilemma we have here,
That calls for all our wit. (repeat)

EAMON
Silence in court! Silence in court!

ANORA
Ferelden, Ferelden!
With duty unceasing,
I've ruled it for more than five years.
This land I have governed
With effort increasing,
Defended with blood, sweat and tears.
Oh, see what devotion,
What tireless promotion
You'd lose to this weak-minded fool!
Such chaos would follow,
In blood we would wallow
If I wasn't chosen to rule.
Yes, I must rule!

ALISTAIR
I'm hardly a leader,
I can't make decisions,
I couldn't take charge of a thing;
I never could settle
Disputes or divisions –
I'd be such a very bad King!
I'm not diplomatic
Or aristocratic –
At court I would feel like a fool!
Though Maric's my father,
I'd really much rather
Anora was chosen to rule!

ANORA
Yes, I must rule!

ALISTAIR
I never could settle
Disputes or divisions –

ANORA
Ferelden, Ferelden!
With duty unceasing,
My country, I've ruled it for more than five years!
My country, I've ruled it for more than five years!

WARDEN
The question, gentlemen, is one of breeding;
You ask for guidance – this is my response:
He has the blood, and she's adept at leading –
Let them get married, gentlemen, at once!

ALISTAIR
With all respect,
I do object!

ANORA
I do object!

EAMON
I don't object!

ALISTAIR
With all respect,
I do object!

ANORA
I do object!

EAMON
I don't object!

ALL
With all respect,
I do object, I do object, I do object!

WARDEN
All the Maker's furies seize you,
No proposal seems to please you!
I can't stand round here all day –
I've got darkspawn hordes to slay!
Lords and ladies great and noble,
Don't just stand there quite immobile.
Eamon, friends and fellow Wardens,
Put an end to your discordance!
Lay your quarrels on the shelf;
I will marry her myself!

ALL
Ah!

(ANORA rushes to join the WARDEN.)

ANORA
Oh, joy unbounded,
With wealth surrounded,
The knell is sounded
Of grief and woe.

EAMON
With faith misguided,
On her he's decided,
My choice derided –
But there we go!

ALISTAIR
I wonder whether
They'll rule together
In marriage tether
In honour true?

EAMON
It seems to me, ser,
For such as she, ser,
A match he'll be, ser,
And a good match too!

ALL
Oh, joy unbounded,
With wealth surrounded,
The knell is sounded
Of grief and woe.

ALISTAIR, EAMON & CHORUS
It seems to me, ser,
For such as she, ser,
A match he'll be, ser,

ALL
And a good match too!
Oh, joy unbounded,
With wealth surrounded,
The knell is sounded
Of grief and woe.

ALISTAIR, EAMON & CHORUS
It seems to me, ser,
For such as she, ser,
A match he'll be, ser,

ALL
And a good match too!

WARDEN
For I'll be a King!

CHORUS
And a good King too!

WARDEN
Yes, I'll be a King!

CHORUS
And a good King too!

WARDEN
Our praises they will sing,
And a Golden Age we'll bring,
For I'll live and die a King!

CHORUS
And a good King too!

WARDEN
Though Eamon is a snob,

CHORUS
And a great snob too!

WARDEN
Though Eamon is a snob,

CHORUS
And a great snob too!
Though Eamon is a snob,
Queen Anora we won't rob,
But we'll let her keep her job –

ALL
And a good job too!

FIN