MADELEINE
It was a late night in April when I first sensed it. I couldn't mistake it with any other feeling, as I felt this little kicking and tickling sensation when I first felt Erik years ago. I put my hand on my belly nearly against my will, and caressed that new life growing inside me. I knew it must be God's gift to me. After Erik, God must have realized what has he done to me and felt sorry for me. Yes, now he will give me the perfect little boy I was hoping for 7 years ago. I got Erik then. Now I will get my son. Not a monster, but my own little son. I was so happy I could have jumped all over the room. I suddenly felt like the 17 year old Madeleine, cheerful, ready to start a new life with the perfect little baby.
Everything that wasn't an option with Erik, suddenly became my dream again. I was planning how I will walk with my son all over the village, how I will rock him in his cradle, singing him a lullaby, hug him, kiss him… I so wanted to kiss my son. This is how it all should have been from the beginning. Erik was just a mistake God should fix.
- - Are you really expecting a child? A real child? – Erik dropped his knife in horror when I told him the next morning, when having breakfast. I didn't think he will be happy about the news, but to be honest, I didn't care about his opinion, and it did not matter to me. I just felt he has the right to at least know about it and so he will have the time to get used to his little brother. Or, let's say I gave him an option if he doesn't want this situation, he may have enough time to go wherever he wants to.
- Yes. – I answered coldly. – And I warn you, young man, if you dare to harm him, I will make sure you will regret the day you were born.
- I already do, mother. – he answered with his usual bitter sarcasm, and I didn't even realized how his knife appeared in his hand again.
- Don't dare to use this tone with me. – I groaned at him, plainly out of habit.
- Étienne Bayre, right?
- What do you want with him? – Maybe at this point I turned a bit paler than I should have.
- Is he the father?
- Who else? You guessed it was the Holy Spirit?
- No, because God has more brain then making you the next Mary.
How dare you…. – I gasped but after I decided I won't reply to Erik's obvious provoking. He wanted me to lose control of my temper to harm my unborn baby. I remembered from my first pregnancy, that the doctor warned me not to be upset over things and try to stay calm. I decided that Erik won't make me upset during my pregnancy, no matter how much he tries.
I have to admit, he was trying, and sometimes he even succeeded. There wasn't a day when he did not try to make me upset, with his usual nasty little tricks. My coffee cups broke, so did my mirror, things disappeared, just as usual. Neither slaps, nor did talking to him help.
I even consulted with Father Mansart, but the priest couldn't talk to him since the nasty conversation between them about animals and their souls. Erik just acted like he did not hear anything of the priest was telling him. It was scary to see a child not showing even the slightest emotion over the heard sentences.
I finally decided that I will give up hope that I can slap some sense into Erik's hideous twisted little skull, and I only concentrated on my second child. I was singing songs to him in my bed, I was caressing my belly so he could feel my touch. I spent hours of imagining how he will look like. Will he resemble Charles finally? Or will he have my father's face? Or will he look like Étienne? Étienne was very handsome as well! Girls will adore him, anyway. In any case, he will have either brown or black hair, with brown or black eyes. There is a very tiny chance that he may have grayish blue eyes, as my grandfather, but it is the least possible event.
Sometimes, however, I was scared he will look the way Erik does… I did not expect Erik to turn out the way he did, after all. I always tried to shoo these bad feelings away from me. No, I can't get the same miserable misfortune twice. I don't know what could have been wrong with Erik… what has happened?
I tried to remember back what was it like to be pregnant with this little burden. I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. I was searching for any small hints, and finally, I found one.
I called Erik names on that day, when Sasha broke the lamp. Yes, Marie even warned me about it… did God really punish me this way? I didn't believe in such nonsense, but, to be safe, I really was careful not to say anything bad about the baby or about my state of health.
Even though I could have said many bad things about my body. God, the first half of my pregnancy was entirely covered in heartburn, dizziness, vomiting, sometimes I nearly passed out of sleepiness. I couldn't help, but was always compared the two children to each other. Erik, compared to how much stress and problems he caused me after his birth, did not do anything against me before he was born. Yet, this second baby made my pregnancy a Hell. Maybe this means he won't cause any problems after his birth? I hope so.
No matter how hard it was to feel good in my skin, I was always happy to know that the baby is growing and developing normally, and soon, I will have a son to adore.
Étienne, however, didn't react to the big news the way I wanted and imagined him to.
- You… you can't be pregnant, Madeleine… - Étienne scratched his head.
- Why? I can feel it, and…
- Well, I had been careful…
- Aren't you happy about it? You wanted to marry me! Or don't you want to any more?
- That is… not the case, Madeleine… just you see, I wasn't prepared for children this early and to tell the truth, Erik is enough too. Another child…
- Erik? Who cares about Erik? He lives there, I admit but I have never cared for him. As he managed to take care of himself, he will do just fine.
- Madeleine, dear you know well that Erik is mentally unstable. How are you supposed to start a new life with a man and a child with Erik being around? You know how he can be… he might harm the child.
- I already threatened him not to do so.
- Threatening isn't the best solution, Madeleine…
- You can't do anything else with Erik.
- I have to think about this yet, Madeleine… I am sorry but this situation is far from a pleasant one. I am happy about our child, but… you know what I mean.
Of course, I knew what Étienne was saying. He wanted me to get rid of Erik. Always. But despite how I hated that boy sometimes, I could never imagine myself as taking him into a mental asylum. I felt sorry about that disfigured monster and I had to take care of him. This was my burden I always had to carry on my shoulders.
- What will happen to me if the baby is born? – Erik asked at the dinner table once.
- If you behave normally, nothing will. – I replied, pouring some tea for myself, not even looking at him.
- Nothing? – he paused. – Aren't you sending me away to… somewhere else, so you can live with Dr. Bayre? – I could sense some worried tone in his voice, and I was happy to hear it. It meant there was finally a way I could keep him in my hand.
- As I said, I am not sure yet, Erik. Lately you act far from what I would call a good mannered boy. If you leave us be, you may stay.
Erik did not reply, but I could see he was feeling uncomfortable. I tried not to show my delight to him about this effect I had on him. For the rest of the dinner, he was just eating silently, and at the end of the dinner he stood up and helped me with the dishes, something I can't remember he ever did in his life.
Months have passed. My pregnancy was noticeable and I was walking slowly and hard. Étienne never said a sure yes or no, and I started to be desperate about his behavior. I sat on my bed and crying all nigh, many times. Erik is poisoning my life. No one can be happy because of this little monster. Ever.
Speaking of the little monster, he became a little bit calmer with time. He didn't seem to be upset at all, and didn't seem to care about the child. He was usually playing with Sacha and working on his music and building plans. He was too calm, to be honest.
I was nearly just as afraid of his calm and cold behavior as I was of his furious rage. It was not common from a child of his age to act like a polite undertaker, and to be honest, it wasn't even his usual way of acting. He was manipulative, furious, demanding childish troublemaker a few months earlier, but lately, not a loud word left his lips.
He wasn't irritated when I asked for help. Many times I didn't even have to ask, he offered help. He even started to do housework that caused me discomfort because of my pregnancy. He washed clothes, he did the dishes, waxed the floors without a complaint. He put his cradle in my bedroom to let the child sleep with me, so I can feed him in my bedroom. I never thought Erik was so thoughtful.
- Thank you, Erik. – I told him when he was done with placing the cradle in my bedroom. He dried his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt, and turned to me like a servant, waiting for my new order. Still, I could not read in his mind, so I tried to talk to him.
- What do you think of the baby, Erik?
- I thought you were not interested in my opinion.
- That's not an answer! – I groaned at him.
- It is just an unborn thing. I have not much things to think about it.
- Aren't you excited about it?
- Do I look like it?
- No.
- Well, I am not. I just want to live my life as I used to. You finally will be happy. Maybe.
He got tired of our conversation and left without any other word. Suddenly I felt sorry for him. He was yet an 8 year old child that just wanted to live happily and wanted me to be happy. I wanted to go out again to talk to him, but by the time I stepped out of the room, I heard his door closed behind him.
I lay down to sleep with the thought that I will never fully understand Erik, and maybe we will never like each other, but I should try to make him a bit happier. I should try a bit harder. Maybe, if I try to trust Erik more, and give him creative ways to act out his feelings about his brother, he will like him more. Maybe I should share the baby with him. He has the right to be a part of a happy family… and if I do so, perhaps he will change with time.
- Erik. – I turned to him the next morning as we were drinking tea after breakfast – I wondered if you wanted to choose a name for your brother.
- Me? – he lifted his head suddenly with surprise. – I thought it was your privilege.
- I am glad you think it as a privilege. Originally I planned to name him, but maybe you could help.
- Maybe you could call him Charles. Mlle Perrault once said you were going to name me Charles, before you found out what I looked like.
- Did she tell you this? – I gasped.
- No. I heard it once.
- So you were listening as always. – I sighed with discontent.
- I can't help I have so good hearing.
- Well, other than Charles, do you know a good name for a boy? – I returned to the original subject, because I knew we would just argue over useless things again.
- Maybe his father could name him. – he replied with sudden fury. – as that's the usual way, isn't it? Do you really think me so dumb, mother? Do you honestly think I believe that you suddenly want me to be a part of your perfect little family? You are just mocking me!
- Erik! Stop it!- I screamed as I saw his fury growing and I was afraid something will break in seconds.
I wasn't wrong. His teacup shattered in million little pieces on the stone kitchen floor. He lifted his head and his eyes threw a glance full of hatred on me. He did not say any other word to me, he only called for Sasha, and stormed out of the kitchen.
A few minutes later I heard Bach's Toccata and Fugue in d minor on the piano, and I just went down on my knees to pick up the broken china. You little monster, you break everything around you. You break my china; you break my life, my heart, my family. I hate you.
- You can see it, Marie, he can't stay here. – I grabbed her shoulders with a bit more force than I originally intended to.
- Madeleine, that's cruel! Don't forget it was you who caused this all mess! Erik turned out the way he is because of your mean treatment!
- As he is such a good boy with you, who was always kind to him, eh? He clearly did not cause you any pain, did he? – I sarcastically pointed out.
- I am not mad at him, whatever he does and I am not turning my heart away from him. He could be a good boy if he had a mother that cares for him.
- I try my best to care for him! I even asked for his opinion! And what his answer is? Breaking stuff and yelling at me! He could easily hurt the baby!
- I don't think so. Why don't you wait rather than giving him up completely?
- Should I really wait till he kills my son, in your opinion?
- Of course not. – she sighed and looked at me like I was a dull 5 year old. Marie did never look at me this way before. – But maybe you could wait how Erik treats the baby after he was born. If he misbehaves, you could talk to him and….
- No! I am not playing this game with him for other long years! If he acts normally after the baby is born, he may stay, but if I see him as the smallest risk for my son, he will find himself on a carriage to the nearest mental asylum sooner than he could count to 3.
I heard a tiny gasp from behind the closed door. He was, of course, listening again. But this time I did not mind it. At least I don't have to tell it again to him. I hope he understood the seriousness behind my words and tries to behave.
It was the 8th month of the pregnancy, as I counted. Erik wasn't giving any thoughts about me or the baby, he did chores, but usually did not really speak to me. I didn't bother too much about him either. I accepted the thought that he doesn't even want to be a part of my family, and so he does not even have a brother. It is my only son, and Erik just lives with us, and does whatever he wants to, unless it harms anyone or anything.
It was a very hot day in August. Erik and Sasha were playing in the garden, though Sasha was moving slowly and got tired very easily, she still liked to play fetch. I think she did not even really see the stick, she only found it with the help of her nose. She proudly walked back to Erik and threw the stick in front of his legs.
- Good, Sasha. – Erik patted her head. – Very good. Now, you should rest, I think. Let me carry you away from direct sunlight. – he lift the dog up and carried her back in the house and put her down in her basket. – Now sleep a little, my lady, I will see you a bit later.
- Erik! Close the door this instant! – I interrupted his sweet-talking the dog. – Bugs are coming in!
I shortly after heard the door slammed with his full strength.
- Erik! I asked you to close it, not to bang it!
- At first, you didn't ask, but ordered. Secondly, it did not really interest you that I had both of my hands full, so you could have just as easily helped me to close it.
- And that is enough reason for you to destroy my house?
- Your house?
- Who else's house?
- You didn't fix a loose screw since I am old enough to do so. It is my house as well, as I am fixing and tidying things here for years. And most of the time, I don't even get a "Thank you, Erik".
- Why should you? It is your job! You don't thank me for making food either.
- What food? I don't remember when did you cook for the last time.
- Because I am pregnant!
- And those women who also have 2 or 3 children and a husband? She doesn't cook for months either? You are just being a lazy diva, and if my father was alive you wouldn't be able to do this!
- Get thee gone to your room! Away from me! I don't want to see you around!
- I hope you will give birth to a baby just like me! You deserve it! We will hate you together!
I wanted to jump up and run to him to kick the crap out of him for this, but I felt a sudden sharp pain and screamed in agony. I fell back on the pillows on the couch and I can't remember what has happened next.
When I finally came to consciousness the first thing I saw was that annoying white kid mask leaning towards my head and those mismatched, twisted eyes were examining me with curious scientific interest. I could have sworn that he would dissect me right there if he could. I felt the urge to punch him in the face, but I couldn't move my hand, I was so weak.
- Oh, did you weak up? – the tone of his voice sent a shiver down on my spine. I maybe was half delusional with pain, but for a second I believed Erik's voice to change to a deeper, not childlike range. It was frightening. I wanted to scream, but my throat was as tight as it could be. It was even hard for me to breathe.
- Do you need anything? – Erik asked with sudden kindness and compassion. His voice seemed to return to its normal tone.
- How did you come to be so kind suddenly? – I remarked softly.
- I only wanted to help so that you don't have to get up. But if you don't want anything it is fine.
- You could make some tea. – I told him as he wanted to leave.
- Tea. How much sugar do you want? Or do you want it with honey?
- With lemon and a bit honey please. – he nodded and left me there alone. I slowly started to feel better; I took some deep breaths and sat up slowly. After a while, he carried a cup of tea for me and gave it in my hand.
- Here is it, mother.
- Thank you, Erik. – I said, but I didn't pay any more attention to him.
He sat down in front of me, and was staring at me with his mismatched eyes. He looked at me the same examining way. I really felt uncomfortable.
- What the Hell do you want? Go to your room and leave me be.
- If you need something, just call for me, I will be near. – He smiled, but his eyes show something scary. I did not pay attention to it any more though, as I was thinking about it can be just another trick of Erik's.
I slowly drank all my tea. I had to admit that Erik made a very nice tea every time but this one was even better than usual. It had some sweet flavor. I smiled and sat back. I closed my eyes and I think I fell asleep.
I woke up to the feeling I felt very sick. I felt utterly disoriented and I couldn't get up. The pain got back to me again. At first, it was just a cramp I could even forget about for a few minutes, but it became stronger and stronger, and after maybe half an hour my belly hurt the way I could not tolerate it any more and I let out a cry.
- What is wrong? – Erik arrived with a candle, wearing his nightwear after I was crying for some minutes in pain. I looked at him. He surely just woke up as he wasn't wearing his mask either. His mismatched disfigured eyes show no sympathy at all and his voice was a bit of annoyed. I just realized that it was nighttime. I slept all day long? I closed my eyes and recalled all the events with Erik this day, and I just found out what happened.
- You poisoned me! – I screamed in horror and tried to get his arm, but I felt too weak to grab him.
I wanted to kill this devilish monster. If I and my child have to die, no way this Satan will stay alive. I will crack his disgusting skull with my own hands on the wall at first. I gave him life, but I will take it, for me and my son…
I finally succeeded in kicking his side with full strength when he wanted to approach me and he fell back. I heard the dull thud of his body against the floor.
- Die, monster! – I screamed and gasped in pain when I saw him getting up. His head appeared at my feet and I wanted to kick him again but his voice silenced me.
- I will call Dr. Bayre for you as you seem to be unable to think normally. If you are done throwing a tantrum, let me know. – Erik looked at me with such an expression that I even forgot about my pain. I have never heard Erik talking to me like this. Of course, he was sometimes sarcastic, but this time, he talked to me like I was a stupid child and he was my father.
I could not say a word as he disappeared slowly to get dressed.
I don't recall much of what happened after Erik left. I only remember Étienne's face above me once and he was telling me not to be afraid and the child will be healthy. The child? What is going on… he is early yet…
I lost my consciousness after and there was a long dark pause.
ERIK
I had to help the man I hated more than anything else. I wasn't pleased at all that I had to be in the same room with him, but I was too young yet to figure out things myself. He did not want to show how much afraid he was of me, but I knew well what he felt. I could just smell the horror surrounding him. I realized that my mother was unconscious. Dr. Bayre sure knew what to do. I maybe could have left, and he could do his business on his own, but to tell the truth, I was too curious to do so.
- Maybe… it will be a boy… - he started a conversation with trembling voice. I nodded. He continued. – Are you glad about getting a new…
- Sir. – I replied, - Please consider that you will be safer if you will never see my mother again.
- What do you mean? How dare you…? – he dropped small napkin he just picked up from the bed .
- You have no right to ask this. You are not my father. Thank God. I only warned you that I am not sure if this house is safe for you. – I put one hand on my hip and gently lifted my other hand and showed him my pointer finger in a threatening position.
- Erik, I don't want to move in. – he threw the napkin away and got a new one.
- I am pleased to hear this. – I took a step back, so he could turn to his work again.
- You mean far too much danger to be comfortable here with you.
- We agree. – I nodded.
- And to tell the truth… I did not yet want a child… my career… do you understand, Erik?
- Of course. I think the doctors are the most fortunate in Paris.
- Yes. I'm heading there… tomorrow.
Bayre wiped his forehead after some pause and said:
- Take care of the child… please Erik.
- I will. It will be in very good hands.
We had to wait unbearably long time till my mother finally came to consciousness. Or to tell the truth she was half- conscious the whole time. She did not recognize us and was suffering from the childbirth. The child did not turn to the right direction in time; it was sideways when we started. The child took long to be born. It was nearly dawn when the child cried out at last. I wasn't sleepy at all; I was awake by scientific interest. Dr Bayre finally moved out of the way.
- Here is your… sister. – Bayre showed me a tiny red wrinkly human being on the bloody sheets.
- Sister? – I asked with surprise. My mother was always referring to the unborn kid as "him" all the time that I nearly was 100 % sure it was a boy. But no. It was really a girl. A perfect little thing with normal features. It came to my mind what would happen if I just drown her in the water which I brought in. But I don't know why but I suddenly felt ashamed. This thing never harmed me. She could not do anything about the relationship between me and my mother.
I picked her up and washed her carefully then put her in one of my shirts I brought with me when the man asked for clothes. I don't know why, I just thought it will be good. The shirt was so big compared to her that it could easily be used as a blanket. I was looking at her for a while. She did not really look like mother. She had blue eyes. I did not even remember a face I could compare hers to. I slowly placed her beside my mother. Maybe she will be happy with her. I wanted to send Dr. Bayre away while turning back, but thankfully he had enough brain to leave the house by himself. I did not find him anywhere any more. I went to my room slowly and opened the door for Sacha. She ran to me and licked my face in happiness to see me again. I was petting her head and asked for her forgiveness that I locked her in my room while the childbirth took place. I didn't want her to bother us.
I lay down on my bed and was staring at the ceiling for some time. The sunlight shone brightly in my room as it turned fully morning. The wind still blew some fresh breeze in the open window, but I knew that not much later the weather will turn as hot as it was yesterday. The garden will be too hot for Sacha and I to play. I just started to feel how sleepy I was. Sacha jumped up on my bed and made herself comfortable at my feet. I yawned and was just thinking about everything that happened lately. I did not know why my mother thought I poisoned them, but I hope, when she wakes up, she will be able to think normally again. She finally got the perfect child she wanted. I hope she will be happy at last.