"3 Yamis, 1 Cup"
Oneshot
Title: "3 Yamis, 1 Cup"
Beta'd by NulTide
Pairing: none
Rating: M for language and themes
Summary: Bakura, Yami, and Marik all find out that they're light weights. The hard way. Over a glass of Smirnoff Grape. ***Not a porno, just crack.
Author's Note: So you'll see, but later on Bakura starts using a version of Leet Speak. Translators are easily Google'able. I used the one from Albino Black Sheep at %30 Leetness so it's easily readable. And all of Marik's lines follow the rhythm of the chorus of Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls." Yami's speech is pretty self explanatory. Enjoy!
Beta's Note: Siffel told me to leave a note and if it was funny she'd leave it in. I um… checked through everything. I told her to write in common Fanfiction grammatical errors for Yami's dialogue, but I'm not sure if she did. Instead I just skipped over those lines while checking. Enjoy! I found this quite humorous! PS- Defiantly and Definitely are not the same word, mates!
o(0)o(0)o(0)o
Yami peered into the fridge. He sighed as he examined the contents. Sammiches, cake, the usual. But… oh? What is this little discovery? Yami carefully pulled the tall, clear bottle out from the refrigerator and wiped off the condensation with the sleeve of his very stylish black shirt.
Hmm… Smirnoff Grape. And it was half gone! That scandalous little hikari of his… Probably having more improper relations with his little friends. Yami rolled his eyes. It's a shame that Yugi never shared any of this with him. The effect it had on Yugi always made him a little curious as to what the liquid really was. Still eyeing the bottle, he turned to pull a glass out of the kitchen cabinet and walked over to the dining room table. He took a seat in the very vogue room and uncapped the bottle.
Across the hall, the sound made Marik's ears perk up in a fashion much like a kitty from some sort of fetish art. Dwaahhh? Someone serving alcohol? Without him? Never. Avoiding his natural instinct to make a pawing motion with his hands, and thankfully remembering to put on trousers, Marik dashed out of the room to join Yami.
Bakura was outside the house, tending the garden, when his libido instantly felt the two other bishies get closer. Keeping his cool demeanor and evil sardonic smile, he dropped his gardening shears (without suggestively licking the blade) and sauntered into the kitchen.
"So…?" Yami asked at the arrival of the two other strapping young men. He looked between the two of them as Bakura positioned himself against the wall and Marik leaned against a chair.
"So, whatcha doing?" Marik asked innocently.
"One of our hikaris left this in the 'fridge after their last get-together." Yami explained with a suggestive inflection in his voice.
"Are we going to try it, or what?" Bakura demanded, seating himself at the table. Marik followed suit, taking the chair opposite Yami.
"Fine, fine…" Yami poured the glass full and sniffed it. "Smells like cough syrup. Who's first?" Yami offered the glass to the two other men at the table. Bakura and Marik glanced at eachother before Bakura motioned gently at the other the he would have to be a pussy not to take the first drink.
"I'll go!" Marik jumped at the "opportunity." He lifted the glass to his petal soft lips and took a long draw from the glass. He swallowed while looking suggestively at Bakura and wiped his lips with the sleeve of his Micheal Kors Spring collection button-up polo shirt.
"Not bad, just like cough syrup," he concluded. "You next, Bakura." Marik started to slide the glass to the white haired bishie, but a smooth, tanned hand intercepted the cup of alcohol.
"I think I'll try that… It can't be anything too serious if our hikaris could handle it." Yami raised the glass to his full, olive toned lips and took a gulp. Then he passed it to the Brit on his other side. He shook his head.
"Nope, no kick. Ha! Those hikaris must really like their fruity girl drinks!"
Bakura followed after and passed the glass to Marik who took his second swig.
"Better watch it, Yami! Your hikari is the only girl in the group. Legs like a 12 year old…" Bakura reached for the bottle to refill the glass in Mailk's hands.
"I don't know, guys. Ryou looks like the biggest fruit. He and Bakura already are limey men!" Marik whooped at his drunken pun and passed the glass to Yami who half drained it before speaking.
"Ha, he reminds me of another kind of citrus fruit…"
"Woah, woah, woah. I know you are all just jealous of my Mailk!" Marik cut in. "I bet you all are really envious that we totally ride crotch rockets tog-" Marik was cut off by Bakura who had just stolen a drink out of the bottle.
"Yeah, yeah. You two tan guys thing you're so great…" He smacked his lips wetly.
"Hee hee!" Both Bakura and Malik focused on Yami who was setting the now empty glass down on the table.
"You guys are forgetting that I'm the real king here! Now bow to me!" He snickered even when the two others rolled their eyes. "And pass me the bottle. Where…" Yami reached for it with a suddenly shaky arm. "Huh…?"
Bakura tried to focus his foggy gaze on the bottle and found Marik emptying the last few drops into his perfectly shaped mouth.
"Damn it, Marik! That was totally mine!" He pointed an accusing finger at Marik and tried to stand but only succeeded in catching the heal of his suede boot on the leg of the chair, sending his lanky, British form crashing to the ground. He just lay there, moaning.
Yami and Marik both released loud guffaws when they dared look at their fallen friend. When no one stood to help him, Bakura crawled across the slowly undulating floor back to his chair muttering: "Damn Egyptians. Bet their tan is somehow a handicap. Curse you with a millennia of skin cancer…"
Marik slammed the empty glass back on the table and fixed his blurry eyes back on the now seated shape of Bakura (but more on his chest).
"You'd make a beautiful girl!
My gaydar will never fail!
You never had me fooled, had me fooled when you say you're straight!"
Bakrua raised a slightly sweaty eyebrow at his rival and snarled: "0h, nuh uh! 1'm t0t4lly str41ght! 1 l1k3 b3wbs. D0n't g1v3 m3 4ny 0f th4t cr4p!" He sat back and crossed his arms."
Marik fired back:
"Why all these bishie guys?
It's like there are no men!
Here in Battle City, boys are pretty – but they'll deny it."
Under the sound of pop music styled singing and the drunken typing, neither of then heard Yami muttering.
"Both rivals glared at each other through the heated atmosphere. Honey brown eyes met lavender in a close confrontation. Neither knew it, but the tension in the air held something deeper and more passionate than any verbal argument that could be had." Yami stared ahead with glazed over eyes, not really focusing on anything, when he spoke. His sweaty little fists were clasped together with his fingers laced on his lap.
""0h sur3! 3v3ry0n3 just th1nks th4t wh3n w3 g3t t0g3th3r, 4ll w3 d0 1s h4v3 t3h s3cks! B3wbs, d4mm1t!" Bakura spat back.
(Ready for the verses? Here we go!)
"It was back in Egypt time,
We were commitin' all da crime – ooooh,
I never would have guessed, your robe was a dress –
And no one thought that orientation doesn't last forever! (Last forever!)"
"Y34h, y34h, s1ng 0n t4nn1ng-b00th b0y. Th4t's r1ght, w3 4ll kn0w. 1 s33 y0u g0 1nt0 J4m41c4 M3 T4n 3v3ry w33k t0 g3t th4t "summ3r gl0w" y0u l0v3 s0 much!"
"Their eyes connected for the last time before both expressions changed in an instant from angry to possessiveness. Both men moved at the same time to crash their lips together. It was a wet, hard kiss, but neither minded. The act conveyed their unspoken feelings for each other. Their hands, first tangled in the other's hair, began to roam lower…"
"You're just a liii-itle wuss,
come on, bri-ing on the fight!
I'm sure you've got no muscle, got no muscle,
You're the uuuu-ke.
""Wh4t, y0u th1nk y0ur s0m3 p0pst4r 0r s0m3th1ng? 4l l34st y0u'r3 n0t s0m3 120 lb J-R0ck st4r. 0h w41t! Y0u pr3tty much 4r3!" Bakura's dig was well placed, but that didn't stop Marik. He was on a roll.
"You say you don't like guys,
You're telling me lies – ooooh,
I would know what I'm seein' with my eyes.
You and Ryou would make a couple together!"
"Shut up S34n K1ngst0n! Th1s 1s n0 t1m3 f0r 4 sup3r g4y b1sh13 s1ng 4l0ng!"
"See, it's very sublime, man.
In the behing, man.
With ladies on your mind,
You'll often get declined.
Oh Lawd, this gay guy's drivin me crazy!"
Yami had still not moved through this exchange and was in the middle of making something so lemony, he might as well have been scrubbing the other two down with Ajax.
"You know you're beautiful, 'Kura!
That's why you wear tighter pants!
You try to sedu-uce guys, sedu-uce guys,
Though you deny it."
"0h y34h, w3 kn0w wh0 g3ts th3 m0st f4n 4rt 0f 4ny 0f us! Y0u 4nd y0ur l1ttl3 h1k4r1. W3ll, 1'll sh0w y0u!"
With that last declaration, Bakura started to throw copious amounts of zeros and ones at Marik in the hopes of forming some kind of binary pit of destruction. Marik was still standing on his chair, using the empty Smirnoff Grape bottle for a microphone. Yami was probably dying of nosebleed-blood loss somewhere under the table when he tried to get a look up one of the other bishie's skirts.
Such was their night.
-Later that evening-
Malik and Ryou came to the aid of Yugi because he had called so frantically. Something about finding Yami in a pool of his own blood and Bakura draped across the table. Each of the hikaris came to the aid of their yami and they were just beginning to pull themselves together.
"Ugh, so what was that stuff, Yugi?" Yami asked as Yugi helped him and cleaned the remains of his fangasm off him.
"Well, it just takes some getting used to…" Yugi didn't really feel like explaining. "Let's just get you guys off to bed. Malik, Ryou? You guys have the other two?"
Both answered back in the affirmative and tended to the hung over men on the table and the floor.
"I swear, by all the shit I stole in this lifetime and the last, you better not have touched me, Marik," Bakura growled as he pulled himself off the kitchen table and threw the glass (still smelling of grape cough syrup) at the other guy on the floor.
Marik pulled himself into a sitting position against the wall and drunkenly dodged the glass with the help of Malik. "Who would want your pale ass?" He groaned. "What happened, anyway?"
Malik sighed and rolled his eyes at Ryou who was trying to talk Bakura into moving to the couch to lie down. They exchanged a smile and shook their heads.
"Just promise that you'll never do anything like this without us, okay?" Ryou asked.
"Alright, alright. Let me go lay down." Bakura clutched his fluffy white head and threw himself down on the cushions.
Marik was feeling his way across the room with Malik mom-ing him about under-aged drinking or violence or something.
Soon, all of the hung over bishies were in their respective beds (shame on their dirty minds!) and falling into a peaceful sleep, never to remember the night that would have truly changed all the Wikipedia entries about them.
-Two Nights Ago-
Thirsty Thursday was no special occasion for the three hikaris. They did this very often now that the excuse to have an orgy could be about anything because their yamis were a little oblivious to the modern world. It worked in their favor that Egyptians had no translation for innuendo.
Anyway, the three hikaris all met at kitchen table to gay things out again. All three made sure that their yamis were off to see the latest hit movie, Eclipse: Mormon-inspired Vampires. It sounded like a good choice, considering all their interests.
With the blinds closed tight on all the windows in the house, the three boys began their night. Yugi popped open the first round of Grey Goose – his contribution to the night. Ryou always had provided something harder, so he brought his good friends, Jack, Jose, and Captain Morgan, to the table. But both of them sighed when they saw what Malik had, clutched in this tiny fist. Smirnoff Grape, of course. They knew that he liked something fruitier than the other two, but still, this was bad. Ryou shot Yugi a look. They would have to wait until they were already drunk to keep the taste of children's cough syrup from ruining their night. (Although they just spent the day playing a children's card game – irony? I think not.)
And so, without this being a porno, the three young men quickly became a mess of limbs on the table, scented with the fragrance of a college frat house.
After the clean up, Malik's bottle was pushed to the back of the refrigerator to be kept for some sad-fest later on.
The End.