This is for everybody who has had to put up with my latest obsession with Willie Nelson, but especially Gigi and Kate who always know how to make me smile. (Shut up, Gigi, it's 3:15 am, which means it is perfectly acceptable to be having a cookie moment!)
I don't own anything. Especially not "Blue Eyes Crying In The Rain" by Willie Nelson.
So let's say, for the sake of argument, you're an intern. You're an intern whose internship was at one point balanced precariously on the ledge of the retake of only the most important test that you've pretty much ever taken.
And let's say you have this boss. And let's say this boss of yours rolled into town a little over a year ago now. And this boss turned out to be married to one of your friend's boyfriend.
So you have this boss, right? And you hate her because, well, she's her and you're you and you kind of have to take Meredith's side in all this, although you make it very clear in your head that you may be on Mer's side, but you're not on Shepherd's. Anyways, you have this boss and you hate her and she hates you because something about the woman just makes you want to act out. Psych would probably find that interesting, but you're a doctor, not a patient, and therefore it's none of Psych's business.
And there's really no one you hate more in this hospital except for maybe Derek Shepherd but you've never liked him anyways and you figure that this whole thing just proves how stupid he is. And the man you hate agrees to give the woman you hate another chance and you shrug your shoulders and don't really care because honestly, they deserve each other.
Or at least that's what you think for awhile there. And then you somehow manage to end up on her service, although you're not really sure how exactly that happened. And that's where things get messy and complicated for two completely separate reasons. Reason Number One: You spend all freaking day fighting with her and then you end up getting the hospital for a lawsuit because you actually tell the truth unlike everybody else in the freaking hospital. Reason Number Two: She finds you later that night, smirking that oh so very infuriating smirk, and informs you that you'll now be permanently assigned to her service and that your ass is hers until she says otherwise. But that's not the messy and complicated part. It's the annoying, frustrating, aggravating part, but it's not the messy and complicated part. No, the messy and complicated part comes when you glare after her, your eyes sliding down to her ass because being a frigid bitch doesn't mean the woman isn't smoking hot, and you think something that surprises you, and rarely anything you ever think truly surprises you. You watch her walk away and you think I'm going to sleep with her. Yes, that is truly the messy and complicated part of this whole situation. Hell, messy and complicated don't even begin to cover it.
But you don't do anything about that thought and you shove it back where you don't have to look at it because she's married and you still hate her.
Then she gets divorced and that could be your big chance—you catch a glimpse of her at Joe's wearing a God-awful bucket hat that someone needs to burn rather quickly—but there's your patient and anyways, the woman is completely out-of-her-mind-be-back-in-two-days drunk and she still has the power to make your life complete misery.
And indirectly, this decision brings your idol out to the very hospital you work at. Because wouldn't you know it? The woman just has to ruin everything for you, so of course she had an affair with your idol. Although, if you were any sleazier then that might give you even more of a reason to idolize the man. But you're not that much of a disgusting pig, so you leave "bedding Addison Montgomery-Shepherd" off of your list of reasons to idolize Mark Sloan.
And it turns out, as much as you hate to admit it, Mark Sloan isn't worth idolizing. He's got a good bedside manner but he's rude and self-centered and makes you fetch laundry and coffee. And Addison offers you surgeries, "squishy and pink" though they may be. Probably because she feels sorry for you and she's the kind of person who always tries to fix what's not exactly broken but not exactly working either.
You're not sure when you went from wanting to sleep with her to wanting to be around her and then sleep with her. But you did and you get sick and tired of listening to Sloan rag on her all the time. You can see the toll it takes—her exhaustion reads on her shoulders and eyes like an open book. So you do something that you would never do. You give Mark Sloan a vanilla latte. It's stupid and petty and childish but after the way he's treated Addison, you figure that the least that karma can give him is the wrong coffee. And then you do something that you'd really never do—you admit it to her. You tell her you did it on purpose.
Her eyes widen in surprise for a moment while she processes that fact. And then she asks why you did it and you're too far in to lie now, so you tell her. "Because he was rude to you."
And you see her try to add that admission into the processing factory along with the part where you gave Sloan the latte on purpose and you see her glance at your lips and start leaning, her eyes gliding shut as she does. And you lean forward too because… Well, you're not really sure why you do it because it wasn't because you're trying to get into her pants.
But the door opens and you both stammer and stutter your way out of the room because now it's just plain awkward. Except it happens again. This time at Joe's and this time you actually kiss and it's a good kiss if you do say so yourself.
But then she gets up and leaves and avoids you for the better part of a week and that just pisses you off. You'd be fine if she doesn't feel the same way about you, but you'd think she have the common decency to at least tell you that. Clearly she doesn't. So you chase her down and yell at her and you thought it would make you feel better but it doesn't.
And somehow you manage to end up closer than ever. How stupid is that? You yell at her and the two of you end up practically having heart to hearts and painting each others' nails. And then, of course, there's Ava who just will not stop badgering you about going after "Red". You got ridiculously attached to this case—it was something about the fact that she has no one, something you recognize. Besides, she's fun to be around and being around Ava means being around Addison and you has yet to find a reason that that's a bad thing—at least recently.
Besides, you see the jealousy lurking right behind those ice blue eyes every single time you interact with Ava in any sort of capacity beyond doctor and patient and that makes you feel really good. And then, for once, she chases you down, fire melting any and all ice in those blue eyes. And you try your best not to smirk because she's so clearly jealous and it seems hazardous to your health, what with that fire in her eyes. So you yell back because you will always yell back and you even throw a compliment in because… well, because. And she shifts uncomfortably while you take your turn yelling and before you can finish yelling she jumps forward, closing the gap between your lips and hers rather forcefully and pushing you back into a very, very convenient on call room and you're absolutely willing.
But Ava tells you all about the conversation she overheard between Torres and Addison and that freaks you out. You don't barbeque and you don't play catch and you most definitely don't do kids. And you resent Ava for telling you that your wrong about all of that and you resent Addison for wanting it from you. So when Addison comes and offers some one on one study time, you refuse. You try to be nice about it but "Look, you're not my girlfriend" probably isn't the best way to start nicely.
And you watch her freeze momentarily, stunned. In fact, you're pretty sure she stops breathing. And then she bursts back to life, only it's sad and broken life, not the giddy, hopeful life of two minutes before and now you resent yourself for taking that away from her.
So that's how you've ended up here, feeling miserable. Now, let's say, for the sake of argument, that you decide to finally fix something outside of an OR for once.
You watch her leave. She keeps her posture strong as she walks away from you; until she's sure you won't be watching. You're watching and you see everything about her just crumple. Her shoulders round, making her as small as possible, her arms wrap around herself, trying to give some of the comfort you wish you could give, and she collapses onto one of the benches lining the walk up to the hospital. Rain starts to fall softly as she sits there and she doesn't react. You push aside all of the notes for the latest giant test you have to take and walk towards the exit. Through the window, now that you're closer, you can see her shoulders heaving as she cries. But the worst comes when you've actually walked out of the hospital and near her. The blue eyes in which you've seen plenty of fire and ice hold only water now and that water is starting to spill over, down her cheeks.
"Addison," you say, only it comes out a throaty whisper.
She looks up and you know that if it were a normal day, she'd be cursing the fact that she failed to wear waterproof mascara today. But it's not a normal day and she doesn't even bother to wipe away the gray tear tracks on her face. "Yes, Karev?" she sighs. The fact that she uses your last name hurts almost as badly as the fact that she won't meet your eyes. "What can I help you with?"
"Addison," you repeat in that same whisper.
"What?" she finally snaps. "What could you possibly still want from me?"
"I can't be that guy, Addison. I suck at barbequing and catch and all of it. I don't know how to be that guy and I don't know if I want to," you admit.
She frowns as she recognizes her words from earlier in the day. "Who asked you to?"
"You!"
The look she gives you could melt metal. "I asked for sex. Maybe some dinner. I didn't ask you to settle down and start raising a family!"
Suddenly you realize just how stupid you sound, trying to push her away over an overreaction. "Oh," you laugh nervously. "Do you… Would you want to grab some food?"
She looks at you like you're insane, which, at this point, you're not about to deny. "No."
"Oh." You turn on your heel and start to walk away. Unbelievable. How do you always manage to screw these things up?
"You have a lot of making up to do," she calls after you. You turn back around. "If you want to take me to dinner, I mean," she explains, a pretty blush starting to color her cheeks.
So, let's say you're an intern, and for the sake of argument, let's say you have this boss. And let's say that you managed to screw with her pretty badly. But let's say, just for the sake of argument, she smiles at you and lets you scrub in on her surgery in the morning and you bring her coffee because you have a lot of making up to do. And let's just say, for the sake of argument, that maybe you didn't screw this one up so badly after all.
I figured that something should come of my obsession with Willie Nelson and this is what my fingers decided to give me. And I hope you enjoyed it!
-Juli-