I slowly exhaled the cigarette from my mouth and stared at the black sky. I looked at my watch, 12 midnight. It would have been 7 back there. I couldn't return just couldn't return. It's not that I hated Boston it's just that I couldn't keep working without her.
"I'm going to live with Casey."
"Jane are you sure? I mean he hasn't been supportive of you and-"
"Yes Maura but I want our baby to have their father around and he makes more money than me anyway."
"He doesn't deserve you! He abonded you and is making you leave your job to join him in some war torn desert. Is that really where you want to have you child?"
"I love him Maura and that's that."
I had tried so hard to convince her to stay with me. I would be able to provide her anything she needed for the baby but her mind was made up. It hurt so badly but I had to let her go. I remember the day before she left.
"I can't believe I'm going tomorrow."
"Do you want me to drive you to Logan?"
"No it's ok. He sent somebody. I-Maura I want to thank you for everything. You made this pregnancy easier for me and my time as a cop that much better."
"Are you sure I can't change your mind?"
"Yes. I'm going and that's the end of it."
We talked for hours about the memories, the fun times and our friendship in general. I could feel the tears coming but couldn't let them fall. Not in front of her. She finished her beer and we had one final hug before she made her way to the door.
"Maura. I'll write you. I promise. And thanks for everything. I love you."
Wait did she just…?
She ran out the door and drove away.
That was 2 years ago. 2 years since I've seen my best friend. 2 years since I saw that smile that could brighten a room. 2 years since I've seen the woman I fell in love with.
I should have confessed my love to Jane. It might have gotten her to stay or at least made her question leaving. Yes I was, no I am still in love with Jane but I could never bring myself to confess and even if I did Jane would have probably just run anyway. I should have said it. I could always write her but she shouldn't be burdened with me.
I don't hate her but I hate the feeling of love because I will never be able to have her. She was Casey's and only his. It reminded me of that Rhianna song ya know the one about love and unrequited love.
I found myself singing to the empty sky.
And I hate how much I love you girl
I can't stand how much I need you
And I hate how much I love you girl
But I can't just let you go
And I hate that I love you so…
I didn't stay in Boston. About a month after she left I resigned. Vince and Frost looked on as I gave the lieutenantmy letter. I didn't see anger or even sadness. They understood why, losing Jane affected them too. I gave them one last hug and left BPD.
I left Angela my house for as long as she wanted. Jane might have left but that doesn't mean I can't help her family. I took only one suitcase with me. I told her to sell what she didn't want. I remember the day I left her.
"Maura sweetie where will you go?"
"Don't worry about me, if you want to contact me mother knows where I am."
"Alright sweetheart. Promise me you'll write and visit."
"I promise. I'll miss you guys it's just I-I need a fresh start. I just need some air."
"Ok I will miss you. You'll be in my thoughts."
I hugged her and then took the taxi to my mother's.
My mother was less clingy. She always left me by myself as a child and despite trying was never good at bonding. Her job required her to stay here.
"Are you sure you want to go back darling?"
"Yes. I'm reenlisting for the royal navy. I knew one of the admirals and he pulled a favor. Back to fighting for me."
"Alright baby. I know you'll protect England and all its people."
"I tell what ship I am being deployed on when I get briefed."
"My little girl, a royal navy sailor. Wow I never thought you would return to that."
"Me neither. Please take care of the Rizzoli's for me. And Hope and Cailin. I know you don't like them but please for me."
"Alright sweetie. I'll watch them."
"I'll come back after leave."
I saw the fear in her eyes. I was a navy sailor when I was in my 20's after college and it nearly cost me my life. I need this though to help me move on. I held her close and kissed her head.
"I know you don't want me to go but I have to. Please I hope you understand."
"I do. Just- just be careful. I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you."
"I promise I'll be safe. I'll write and return when I can."
We continued to stay like that and my father came in. He knew about my voluntary deployment and respected my desion. He asked me to dress in my uniform for a photo. I agreed and they both got in the photo. I looked so honorable in it and I told them to keep the photo once it was developed. I gave them both a hug and said my goodbyes.
I gripped my rifle and held it closer. I thought about how I got here. When I was younger and trained I had no problem shooting the enemy but I'm getting back into it now. I looked up at the starry sky and threw out my cigarette. I haven't smoked since my navy days but needed this.
I closed my eyes and gripped the locket around my neck. It was a silver heart shaped locket inside was a photo of Jane on one side and me on the other. I had a pure gold one made for Jane and was going to give it to her after she had her baby.
After she moved away I just couldn't give it to her. It didn't seem right because inside I engraved "Love is eternal". I had the gold one in my pocket. I pulled it out and looked at it.
I received a photo of Jane's child about a year ago. She had had a girl, she refused to tell me the name but I didn't care. She was extremely cute and fortunately looked exactly like Jane. She also wrote me a letter.
Dearest Maura,
It has been a long year since I've seen you and just felt that I should write you.
I don't know what you are doing but I hope you are enjoying it. Casey and I have been living in Iraq on a military base. It's inconvenient but I wouldn't change it. As you can see I had a little girl. We haven't decided what to name her yet. She's only 1 week old. I'm thinking Sofia or Clare. What do you think?
Casey and I are now engaged and are planning the wedding I don't know when it is but I hope you'll come. I really want you there. We are planning it for when he returns to the states. This is his last tour then he is leaving the army to help raise our daughter. I'll probably return to BPD and hopefully will see you there.
I hope you write me back so I can find out what you are doing. Ma just told me address but not why you are there. Maybe when you visit ma I'll see you.
You are my best friend and will always be.
Your LLBFF,
Jane
I kept the letter and photo in my uniform jacket. I never wrote Jane back but always wondered what happened since that year.
I took the gold locket and threw it into the ocean. I then took the letter and ripped it up. I held the photo of the baby in my hand. The child looked so much like Jane. I would have loved to raise it with her but that isn't my choice.
"I would go with Sofia." I said and then threw the photo over the boat.
I sighed and went to my corners to sleep.
"Something on your mind?" asked the man that slept above me. He was a young lad maybe 18 or so.
"No I'm fine just thinking."
"Bout what."
"My friend back home."
"Ahh. You'll see them soon." He said then yawned. I waited until he was asleep.
I don't know if I want to.
IRAQ 0800 Hours
We stood on the loading crate and waited for deployment. The desert sun felt good after the cold night.
"All right you spineless worms. We got a mission from HQ. We are needed in place of our army due to them being in a different area. We are to prepare an assault of these terrorist bombers and then meet the American soldiers in the checkpoint to escort them back to camp victory."
"Lt. Isles, take 5 men and go to the east."
"Yes sir."
We deployed out of the ship and split up. My platoon went east and walked for miles.
We stayed low behind a dune in the desert and waited. I pulled out a ciggerete and smoked. I was losing my patience with these bombers.
"Ugh. Where are they?" a young sailor yelled.
"Be patient you hot blooded fool. Don't bring attention to yourself."
"Hey lieutenant. You fought in the navy 20 years ago. Why are you back?"
"If we live I'll tell you now just shut up."
They were quiet and we waited. I had two men go east, one go west, I went north and the others held back. I scanned the area and saw nothing. I then saw a bright reflection in the distance.
"Everyone get down!"
A bullet went by my face and just grazed my check. I froze for a moment but then recollected on my training. It was a different enemy we fought back then but I was still trained to kill. Kill I shall.
I lined the man into my cross hairs and fired. His brain splattered everywhere and it was then I noticed the difference between me and these men. They were young scraps most likely just enlisted. Where I carefully lined up my shot they just rained bullets down. I'll have to tell them the danger of that later.
My men started firing and we moved in different formations. Just when I thought we killed all of them. I felt a pain in my right arm. It was then I felt the warm blood running down my side. I was shot. The pain registered but I kept moving.
The enemy fled and I gripped my arm in pain. My men rushed to my aid and one of them bandaged me up.
IRAQ 1200 HOURS
We met the Americans about 15 miles outside of their base. Many of them were injured, some were on the break of death. The crew did their best but without a doctor these soldiers would die. They got the tank and caravan ready for transport. They must have been waiting for us. We were transported to the camp and to the hospital.
"Miss we must look at your arm. You were hit." A doctor told me.
"No."
My men waited outside for me. They were young and stupid but some of the bravest sailors I've ever seen.
"Alright men return to the HMS Dragon at once."
"Yes Ma'am."
We were about to leave the base when the men asked us to stay for the manpower. This particular platoon was weakened by ambush.
My men looked at me.
"We will stay one night. We leave at 0600 hours." I told the American soldier.
IRAQ 1700 HOURS
My men rested hard and talked with the American counterparts. I however had no interest in taking to them. I sighed as I thought about Jane. She said she was here with Casey. I wondered where. I smirked from my corner as the sailors and soldiers interacted. As the sun began to set I just had an uneasy feeling. It was crawling in me. I had to keep my men safe no matter what.
2100 HOURS
The American base offered us a few rooms to sleep in. The 5 sailors slept in one room while I slept in another. I wandered the base and eventually was caught by a guard.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"My men and I are leaving tomorrow and so I was going to radio the HMS Dragon in order to establish their whereabouts. I didn't want to interfere with the American radio and so was going to go off base to make the call. Now if you intend to stop this call you are interfering with British naval intelligence and can be reported to her majesty and sentenced with treason." I told him.
He made weird noises clearly confused and scared by my presence.
"Very well. However once you leave this base you lose protection."
"I don't need your protection." I warned him.
I walked into the city of Bagdad about 10 miles from the base and made the call. I made it in case the base decides to confirm my location and story. The city was very quiet and peaceful. Could there really be a war in this quiet place. The ruble and cries told the story for me. I left the radio when I heard a strange cry. I followed it and hiding behind a ruined house was a child.
I stopped dead as I looked at the child. She had long black hair, brown eyes and tan skin. She appeared no more than two. I knelt down and looked at her. I suddenly heard footsteps approaching. I turned around and shielded her.
The man behind me was tall. He had a long beard and wore all black. Behind him was a young man holding an ISIS flag.
Oh no. I knew I was in trouble now. I aimed my weapons and waited. I fired a warning shot but then was shot in the leg. I tried not to show pain but standing was difficult. The men caught me and tied me up with rope.
The child had ran and for that I was grateful. I was dragged off somewhere.
IRAQ 0600 HOURS
I awoke in the center of a cold black room. My eyes blinked as I adjusted to the sunlight. I struggled to get up and tried to fight. The man punched me in the ribs. I fell over and he screamed something at me.
BAGDAD CENTRAL SQUARE, 1200 HOURS
I don't know how long I was in capture but I felt myself being dragged. I was put down in the street as I heard voices around me. I was in the center of Bagdad square. I felt eyes on me even though no one was around.
The man yelled at me even though I couldn't understand anything he said. I felt a blade to my neck.
He pulled it back when suddenly a child's cry was heard. I looked up to see the child from before. She was running to me.
"Run you stupid kid!"
The child kept running toward me.
"Maura get back here!"
Maura? That voice it can't be.
I looked over to see Jane standing next to a building. Her body much thinner but it was still Jane. I got to see her after all. The man growled and began walking toward Jane.
"No!" I struggled and cut the ropes with a secret hidden knife. I ran in front of the child and grabbed the sword. It cut my palm but I gripped tighter and pushed the kid away.
"I'm the one you're fighting."
He pulled back and then charged. I grabbed him and pushed him down. I took the sword and put it in his face.
"You will never hurt the woman I love! Not now and not ever!"
He kicked the sword away and tackled me. We wrestled and I eventually pinned him. I was about to kill him when I felt an agonizing pain across my midsection. It felt as though someone cut my torso with a scalpel.
I screamed in agony and trembled. He pushed me onto the ground and headed for Jane and her daughter.
My sight was getting blurry as I slithered my bleeding torso across the desert. The sand was hardening under the trail of blood. I heard a bullet and he collapsed to the ground.
Jane looked up at the killer and I willed my body to turn. There stood Casey his rifle still smoking.
"Casey?" I gasped.
He ran to Jane and hugged her. Then Jane ran to me. Casey wasn't far behind.
"Her torso was cut, we have to get her back to base." Casey said.
"Alright I'll help you lift her."
They began and I put my hand out to stop them.
"No." I whispered.
"But…"Casey began.
"Leave me here. I'll never make it."
Casey nodded and picked up his daughter. He knew Jane and I needed a minute.
"Maura? Why are you even here?"
"I'm a royal navy sailor and we were deployed at a nearby camp."
"Why? Why did you save me?"
"It's my job besides you were always saving me."
"It's not the same! You shouldn't have come… you…" Jane said. I noticed the unshed tears forming in her eyes.
"Shh. Jane not so loud."
"Sorry."
"You named her after me?"
"Yeah, Casey let me pick the name and I decided on that."
"What a lovely name. Sucks she has to see all this though."
"Yes it is. We are hoping Casey's discharge is soon. Maura you have to live. I need you to live."
"I know. I read your letter. I know about the wedding. Still in Fenway?"
"Yeah. Please Maura be strong."
I could feel my strength wavering. She laid her head on my chest and I weakly pushed her away. I wasn't worthy of such intimate gesture. She was Casey's and his alone.
She sat up and looked at me.
I smirked and held her hand.
"LLBFF's?"
"Always." She said.
I was tired and laid there. The warm sun embracing me. I knew I had the strength to tell her my feelings. I would have had the time…
"Jane?"
"Yes."
"Be happy with Casey. I was wrong. You deserve him. And he deserves you."
…but I didn't.
Some things should be taken to the grave and this was one of them. I shouldn't worry her with my love for her. I'll always love her in more ways than one.
I saw her go away. She was going back to him, I knew it and as I laid dying in the hot Iraqi sun I knew that I could die happy.
I thought of another song as my men finally arrived. I was too weak to make it but they took me anyway.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.
I closed my eyes and slept. I will never be with Jane for she was never mine. Casey had better treat her in a way I never could. Her heart was never mine and as I felt my weakened body slip deeper away I remembered one thing.
Jane was never mine.
She was his and his alone.