The Legend of Yuan Shao
A Comedy
Chapter 1: The Prophetic Dream
Ye, Governor's Palace, Yuan Shao's quarters, January AD 197
Once again, it was the same dream.
He saw the heads of Yan Liang and Wen Chou, his best warriors, stuck on pikes for the world to see.
He saw the man he considered a friend, Cao Cao of Chenliu, laugh and dine with his warriors while Yan Liang and Wen Chou's heads stared soullessly at their meal.
How could such things happen? How could a childhood friendship fall apart like this? How could two men, both champions of order, champions of prosperity turn on one another?
He saw his army fall apart in flames. He saw Tian Feng, his strategist, thrown in jail while Ju Shou and Shen Pei died one by one because of his incompetence. Both warriors and wise men led meaningless lives as long as they served Yuan Shao.
And Yuan Shao forced himself to wake up.
"Guandu-" The word left his lips before he was conscious enough to understand them.
"Guandu is nothing but a fort on my frontier!" Yuan Shao growled as he forced himself upright. "Why do I have this recurring dream? Well, it always got worse." He muttered.
Indeed, the rest of the dream was no different. His scholars bickered amongst each other even though their armies were scattered to the winds. And the final image was that of Cao Cao, laughing as the heads of Yuan Shao's sons and Yuan Shao's remaining officers were brought to him.
"Mengde wouldn't do that. He may be a prankster and he might have gotten me in trouble more than twice, but he is not heartless. Cao Mengde may be strict, and might lack self-control, but he is not a monster."
As Yuan Shao continued to mutter, his wife rose from her side of the bed.
"My lord, what is the matter?"
"Nothing, my dear. Don't worry about me. But I have something I need to do." And with that he slowly got off the bed.
"Very well." The Lady Liu, Yuan Shao's favorite concubine, yawned as she sprawled herself back on their bed. It was always like this: her husband refused to tell her anything, and often dealt with problems by himself. Men!
The rest of the morning left Yuan Shao in a meeting with his scholars.
Tian Feng, the one who seemed to always have a plan, was the first to greet him. "My lord!" He yelled theatrically, thrusting his index finger in Yuan Shao's face. "This council has constantly clamored for war, a war for which we are unprepared. We have just completed our campaign against Gongsun Zan. His death is regrettable, but some of his commanders have joined us. They still need time to integrate with the rest of our troops.
"If you truly wish to attack Cao Cao, we will be in dire straights: Cao Cao's men are rested, and would be ready for an assault. Instead we should report our victory to the Emperor, and if Cao Cao wishes to stop us we can claim that he is the true traitor to the throne!
"Although he has his own loyalists, there are still several men in his army whose allegiance wavers when they see how he treats our young Emperor. If we can demonstrate to the Han Court that it is Cao Cao who is the true traitor, people will support us across the whole Empire! Many within Cao Cao's own ranks will surely join us in our attack, they will view us as liberators, not as rebels, and you will surely savor our victory."
Yuan Shao's eyes widened, and he froze, much like a deer when faced with a bright light. Tian Feng was asking him to do the opposite of what his other advisers advised: instead of attacking, Tian Feng wanted him to rebuild.
But Guo Tu, the one who Yuan Shao felt was the nicest of his advisors, was one of the loudest objectors.
"My lord! Your army is powerful! There is no need to wait for allies that may never appear. I hear that Dong Cheng, a Minister in the Han Court, is making some sort of pledge to kill Cao Cao, and has gotten support from the likes of Liu Bei and Ma Teng, but the fact that I know of it shows that it is not so secret. Dong Cheng is certain to die soon, so Tian Feng's ploy is a farce. Perhaps he wants to wait until Cao Cao's armies are strong, and then help him crush our army! He is a traitor, and should be executed immediately!"
A couple of murmurs echoed throughout the room. It seemed that Feng Ji and Xu You, scholars in Yuan Shao's employ who often complained about how horrible Tian Feng was and how he would kick babies to cure his boredom and Alzheimers, were eager to support Guo Tu's assessment of the situation.
Shen Pei, Yuan Shao's chief tactician, simply grunted. "We have the manpower and weapons, my lord. Cao Cao is not a fool, but he is hardly invincible. If we strike now, we can crush him."
Images of the dream came pouring into his mind yet again, and Yuan Shao shivered somewhat. In his dreams Yuan saw Feng Ji make another jab at Tian Feng, leading to Tian's execution. Guo Tu, for his part, later convinced Yuan Shao's sons to hate and attempt to kill each other even when Cao Cao was at their door!
Yet he remembered another prominent face, and so Yuan Shao turned to Ju Shou.
"What do you think?" He asked simply.
Yuan Shao could swear that Ju Shou looked shocked. "You're asking me what I think?"
"Indeed, my lord! Why ask what that fool thinks? He probably agrees with Tian Feng! He probably was paid by Cao Cao too!" Feng Ji yelled while Guo Tu nodded vigorously.
For a moment Yuan Shao glanced back at Guo Tu. Was the latter's kindness just an act? A means of ensuring his paycheck? Had he been tricking his lord this entire time? Was Guo Tu the man Yuan Shao thought he knew?
Tian Feng just let out an exasperated sigh as he stared at his lord and Ju Shou.
Ju Shou cleared his throat. "Well, my lord, although I disagree with Tian Feng's assessment that our army is entirely outmatched at the moment, I do believe in his general strategy. If we attack Cao Cao now, it would seem we were attacking him without provocation. Thus people would think that we are merely trying to conquer land or vie for power.
"But if we present ourselves as humble servants to the Emperor, trying to eliminate northern rebels like Gongsun Zan, others will see us differently. If we show the people how Cao Cao has deceived them and is not a true Prime Minister in intent, we will no doubt gain ample support against him. Once Cao Cao is unmasked as a traitor, our attacks against him will be given heaven's favor, and we may even have other lords join in the fight."
"That's just a waste of time! Cao Cao will grow stronger if we just wait! And by the time we attack he'll be strong enough to stop us and-"
Yuan Shao simply raised his hand, yet Feng Ji kept talking. Feng's eyes narrowed with hatred at he started to curse Ju Shou.
"You are obviously a traitor and a fiend who despises our great army and wishes for us t-"
Yuan Shao clenched his hand into a fist, and turned towards Feng Ji. "Master Feng, I have heard that our domestic affairs are somewhat lax as of late. Why don't you take care of things in Beiping? The people who once lived under Gongsun Zan's rule might not be that familiar with the way we do things, don't you think?"
Feng Ji paled, and he glared at Tian Feng and Ju Shou before leaving the assembly.
"M-my lord, do not let those two break your resolve. Cao Cao may be no fool, after all he used to be your friend, but our army is far more powerful than his. Shen Pei is right, we can crush him!"
"Guo Tu, your council is most welcome, but I have made my decision. I am not ready to fight Cao Cao at this time, and if the leader is unready his soldiers will be defeated. As Sun Tzu once said: know thy enemy, and know thyself, and you will win a hundred battles. I don't think we know Cao Cao's army that well, and I'm beginning to think we don't know ourselves that well either. I feel we ought to better integrate the troops and commanders we gained after crushing Gongsun Zan, and once they are ready we can begin to free the Central Plains from Cao Cao's reign."
In Cao Cao's camp, the situation was also quite strange.
"My lord, Yuan Shao is a failure in a thousand ways. He is indecisive and senile. His advisers quarrel with one another, and the one he treats best is little more than a yes-man, a kisser of bottoms, a man who would quite willingly submit to his lord in every way possi-"
"I get the point, Fengxiao." Cao Cao sighed as Guo Jia nearly began to dance with glee at the thought of Yuan Shao's failures.
"Are you sure this isn't because you weren't treated all that well in Yuan Shao's court?" Xun Yu, Cao Cao's other strategist, sighed solemnly.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you are definitely a brilliant man, and you used to serve Yuan Shao. I don't recall hearing about you when you worked for him, so it's quite likely that he gave you a pitiful position with low pay, so you came to us."
"I- Well I won't deny that I did serve Yuan Shao once, but do you think I'd betray him just for money? Yuan Shao fails to adequately support the realm: a noble lord ought to ensure the people's livelihood and bring prosperity to the realm, but Yuan Shao is indecisive and his hesitance has left many soldiers dead. Yes, some of his territories know peace, but much of Yuan Shao's land reels from his battles with Gongsun Zan. Our lord has, in contrast, kept his lands strong while keeping Lu Bu pinned in Pu Yang. Sooner or later the villain will die, and when he does our lord will have ample resources to crush Yuan Shao and claim the northlands!"
Xun Yu shrugged. "Yuan Shao may be inept at times, but he is not incompetent. Do not assume that your victory will be so easy. Besides, Tian Feng and Ju Shou are talented scholars, and with a roster like Shen Pei, Yan Liang, and Wen Chou our enemies have more than enough talented commanders. We should be wary."
"Regardless, Lu Bu is indeed our main threat. We must destroy him, and when we do I can finally rest knowing that my most threatening opponent would have finally been defeated! Yuan Shao can wait, Benchu must be rather exhausted from his fight against Gongsun Zan... He was never one to bear hardship when it came!" Cao Cao barked as Guo Jia and Xun Yu glared at each other. The court of Cao was not so different from the court of Yuan after all!
Puyang, Governor's Office
Lu Bu and Chen Gong sat facing one another. The former sprawled himself across his seat in the Governor's chair.
"My lord, reports indicate that Cao Cao may attack our position. We have suffered defeats against him before, and our soldiers shiver at the thought of facing him again. However Zhang Liao and Gao Shun are prepared, and with their continued service I am sure we will prevail. The roads are muddy this time of year, giving us a favorable defensive position as Cao Cao will have to slog through them to come to us. If we set up ambushes along the road, and fall upon him as he attempts to attack the city, we can crush his armies and force him to flee!"
Lu Bu squirmed. "You are saying that we should crouch in the mud and wait for the enemy to come to us? Those are parlor tricks for cowards. No, I can do much better than that. I agree that we've had trouble against Cao Cao for a long time. He has beaten us several times and I've lost plenty of good men against him. But I am Lu Fengxian, the greatest of warriors! If I return to the field once more, Cao Cao's men will quiver in their boots. Song Xian and Wei Xu will be my vanguard, the men who will announce my presence to our foes. But Diao Chan shouldn't witness more violence. You and Zhang Liao should take her somewhere safe."
"My lord?"
"You seem to think that Cao Cao is more powerful than us. I want you to protect her just in case. You, Zhang Liao, and Gao Shun are the three men I trust to do just that. If Gao Shun isn't watching over Pu Yang you can have him join you when you withdraw. I have other officers who can rally the people to watch while I crush Cao Cao!"
A week passed while Lu Bu's army prepared for the inevitable. Sure enough, scouts reported that Cao Cao's men were enroute to Puyang, and would encounter Lu Bu's forces soon.
"Master Chen has successfully withdrawn to the north. Even if Cao Cao sends his best riders, he won't be able to catch them. Master Chen has declared that he will speak with Lord Yuan Shao, asking them for sanctuary if necessary. Otherwise, they are 'just visiting.' Even though Yuan Shao obviously outnumbers us, Zhang Liao and Gao Shun would make any kidnapper pause."
"Thank you, Hao Meng, now go back to the city and fortify your position with what men we could spare. Song Xian, Wei Xu, and I will engage the enemy and crush them, but we will need a fallback option in case Cao Cao is more resilient."
"Are you scared, my lord?" Song Xian grinned. "You are Lu Fengxian, man among men. There is no man who could possibly defeat you in combat. And you have Wei Xu, and you have me, and you have a dozen powerful warriors who could cut off Cao Cao's head. There's nothing to worry about."
Lu Bu sneered. "You're right, Song Xian, but even so we need someone to watch the city for us. Wait for us, Hao Meng, and watch us return with Cao Cao's head!" And with that Lu Bu rode off.
Hao Meng tightened his grip on his bow. There was no doubt that Lu Bu was the strongest warrior in the land, but why were they reduced to a single fortress with only a dozen notable commanders?
Ye, Eastern Gate
As the eldest son of Yuan Shao, Yuan Tan was proud to be in charge of the city's east gate.
This gate faced the mighty Lu Bu, and locked the roads leading to glorious Bei Hai beyond that. Traders, merchants, officials of all sorts needed to pass through this gate to reach important eastern cities. Yuan Tan's post certainly made him feel important in an age where too many people were treated like nobodies.
But even with all this importance, Yuan Tan panicked when he saw a certain group approach his gate.
"Sir, a small retinue of a dozen soldiers has approached the gate. They claim to be led by one Chen Gong."
Upon hearing that name, Yuan Tan's eyes widened, and his lieutenant stared at him worriedly while he paced the floor.
"What should I do? What should I do? If I let them in then Chen Gong might cause trouble, but if I don't let them in then we'll probably have Lu Bu come charging in, killing anyone that moves. Either way I might lose my job and father will be angry and..."
"Master Yuan, Master Guo Tu has let them in."
"What?!"
Ye, Ground Level, Near the East Gate
The city streets were packed this time of year. The eastern marketplace was nearby and nearly a thousand people clamored as they tried to sell their wares.
Guo Tu grinned at each businessman who hurriedly brushed past him. More sales meant more tax money. More tax money meant, well...
Drool fell from his lips as he thought of his newest concubine.
But he quickly wiped it off when he realized who it was who stood before him.
"Master Chen, it is an honor to meet you in person."
"The honor is mine."
"Generals Zhang and Gao, it is truly a pleasure to have you here in Ye. As I stand before you I feel so much safer!"
Zhang Liao nodded respectfully while Gao Shun's eyebrow twitched with suspicion.
When Diao Chan tried to speak, Guo Tu simply ignored her and addressed Chen Gong.
"But while it is truly an honor to have Chen Gongtai, Zhang Wenyuan, and, Gao Shun, here..." Guo Tu spoke the last name slowly, as though he was unsure whether it would be appropriate or not. "I am confused regarding the reason for your presence. You all serve the esteemed lord Lu Bu, ruler of majestic Pu Yang, and there would be no need for all of you to come as a diplomatic envoy, so please apologize for my rudeness." A bead of sweat began to roll down Guo Tu's face as he glanced nervously between Zhang Liao and Gao Shun. "... But why are you here?"
"Our presence here is more urgent than you know, Master Guo. We must speak with Lord Yuan Shao himself, and I am sure he can permit some space in his schedule for the likes of Chen Gong and Zhang Liao. We bring important news of events in the south, events that, based on the garrison here at Ye, have not had Master Yuan's attention. Times are dire, and the land cries out in pain. We have no time to mince words and mutter over trivial flattery. Take us to your lord, or we will scour the city to find him."
Guo Tu's face turned red with rage. "You dare speak to me in such a fashion, gi-"
Chen Gong, Zhang Liao, and Gao Shun quickly put themselves in between her and Guo Tu. "Master Guo, you are speaking to the wife of Lord Lu Bu. The three of us are his faithful retainers. I pray you reconsider what you are about to say." Chen Gong spoke gravely.
The look in Cheng Gong's eyes had Guo Tu quiver in his boots. Qu Yi often shared that look. He did not like that look!
"I... Very well. Master Chen, Lady Lu, please come this way."
Ye. Governor's Palace, Front Gate
As Guo Tu, Chen Gong, and their party approached Yuan Shao's headquarters, the two strategists promptly found themselves staring face to face with a man drawing a bow.
"You lot are Lu Bu's men, are you not? What is the meaning of this? Explain your presence here or your servants can return you there with feathers in your eyes."
Chen Gong promptly knelt, as did the rest of Lu Bu's officers.
"General Qu, we come to bring news of events in the south. The situation is dire, and although I am in awe of your presence we have little time to chat. Please let us through."
Qu Yi raised an eyebrow. "What I find hard to believe is that Chen Gongtai of Dong prefecture would come all this way instead of sending some scribe. Not to mention the fact that lady Diao Chan is with you."
Diao Chan smiled. "My presence should prove to you that the situation is most dire, no? Indeed, if there was nothing to worry about, I wouldn't need an escort consisting of Zhang Wenyuan, Chen Gongtai, and Gao Shun himself. After all, Lu Fengxian is not known as a man who can resist the irresistible for long."
Chen Gong glanced at Qu Yi worriedly, but the commander laughed. "I'm sure he cannot! Very well." With that Qu Yi nodded and stepped aside, allowing the party through.
"Lord Lu Bu is y-"
"He may be my lover, Chen Gong, but you and I both know that others do not understand our relationship. That man just now is hardly fond of Lu Fengxian, and he would not react well to diplomatic overtures made by his alleged enemy."
"I see. Should you do the talking instea-?"
"We have entrusted our lives to your mind, and I see no reason to doubt your wisdom. But sometimes I might find it necessary to show that I can smooth-talk too!"
"Understood, milady. Lead the way!"
Pu Yang
The citadel itself was under siege.
"Hyaah!' Wei Xu roared as he swung his spear.
"You call yourself a warrior? Come and face me! I am Xu Chu of Qiao, and unless you want to be known as the coward of Pu Yang you must show me your strength!"
"Fool! Do you know who I am? I am Wei Xu, herald of the great Lu Fengxian, and you will soon be a stain on my spear."
Wei Xu charged at Xu Chu, his horse's hooves lashing out at the enemy duelist, but Xu Chu swung his hammer and, with a single blow, Wei Xu gasped and sputtered as he tried to breathe.. The warrior swayed back and forth, nearly falling off his horse, while Xu Chu laughed.
Wei heard that laugh and, with a light growl, yanked his horse's reigns and charged again, thrusting his spear forward. The strike connected, and Xu Chu grunted as his enemy's weapon cut through his right shoulder. As blood began to flow from the wound, Xu Chu pulled the spear in closer, deeper into his body.
Wei Xu was pulled forward, and after he got to a certain point Xu Chu smiled in his face. As Wei Xu gripped tightly on his spear to prevent a fall, Xu Chu quickly grabbed his hammer with his left hand, lifted the hammer high,...
And Wei Xu could no longer see for some time.
A Few Hours Earlier, Western Outskirts of Pu Yang
As he charged forward, Lu Bu noticed that the roads were empty. There was an eerie silence across the woods, as though nobody was there. No, perhaps they were present, just watching.
But from behind him he heard distant yells and screams, and the roars of thousands of soldiers descending upon the fortress.
"Wei Xu, go check it out!" He yelled.
But Wei Xu had already ridden off towards the noise.
Song Xian stared at Lu Fengxian as he stood there, contemplating his next move.
"My lord, Wei Xu is strong, and Hao Meng may still be in the city, but I do not think they can handle the enemy alone."
"Don't you see?" Lu Bu started to smile. "Cao Cao's sneak attack is treacherous but foolish. You and I are renowned warriors, and with the soldiers we have we can use the same tactics against him. We will move forward with haste. If we strike now, we can take Chenliu!"
But as Lu Bu and Song Xian rode deeper into enemy territory, it never occurred to them that they were traversing extremely close to Yuan Shao's border the entire time. How could Cao Cao leave a border fortress like Chen Liu undefended? And even if Cao Cao managed to lure Wei Xu and part of Lu Bu's unit away, then wouldn't Lu Bu see an obvious trap?
On the Road to Chenliu
"My lord. We have marched for some time and yet there is no enemy unit in sight. Isn't it strange? And if they really are attacking Pu Yang, we should withdraw and use our troops to aid Wei Xu and Hao Meng in the city's defense, no?"
"What are you talking about, Song Xian? This region is mostly countryside; we are nearing Chenliu but until then I doubt Cao Cao would have wasted time setting up checkpoints. Even if Pu Yang falls, our conquest of Chenliu will show the world that I can seize strongholds with a handful of men. No one would dare challenge me then!"
As if on cue, hooks darted out from under the tall grasses and shadows that made up this 'countryside.'
Although it would have been able to jump away had it been aware, Red Hare's hooves were caught and the horse cried out as it fell. Song Xian's horse was caught too, but the warrior jumped off his horse.
"I am Song Xian! Who are you? How dare y-"
An arrow flew, piercing Song Xian's soldier, and the warrior gasped and fell.
Lu Bu's eyes widened as many hands suddenly grabbed him, seizing his halberd and keeping him pinned on the ground. Soon he felt a large object slam against his helmet from behind, and there was only darkness.
3 hours later
Cold water splashed on their faces as Lu Bu, Song Xian, and Wei Xu woke up. The three men found themselves in the same small cell.
"Come along, you three. The Prime Minister awaits."
"Xiahou Dun? What are you doing here? I thought Cao Xing would force you to retire for a time."
"Lu Fengxian, I'm not surprised that you would believe such a stupid idea. I pledged my life to Lord Cao Cao, and no mere wound could keep me from fulfilling my duties. As for you, you are a dirty, cowardly traitor. You betrayed Lord Ding Yuan for pretty trinkets and a horse, and served that animal Dong Zhuo only to stab him in the back over a woman. You embody corruption and greed, and aren't even fit to lick my boots, let alone insult me so."
When Lu Bu snarled at this insult, Xiahou Dun simply punched him in the face. Song Xian and Wei Xu stared at their lord, their eyes unmoving.
The three men were dragged into a large chamber, where they found Cao Cao seated in front of a giant execution block.
"This is the governor's estate of Puyang. We're in the dungeons." Lu Bu mumbled.
"Indeed you are." Cao Cao grinned as an executioner with a huge axe strolled into the room.
There was another man seated beside Cao Cao. "Hao Meng?! Is that you?!" Song Xian gasped.
"Yes. I've sent letters north to Master Chen Gong: Lord Cao Cao knows that they are seeking refuge with Yuan Shao. Soon, your whore and your remaining lackeys will fall before the Marquis. Lord Cao Cao is both Marquis of Wuping and Prime Minister of Han. What is Yuan Shao? Nothing more than Grand General. Chen Gong may think that they can hide behind Yuan Shao, but we will defeat them. Your plans are all for naught, Lu Bu."
"You dirty traitor! I should have killed you when I had the chance!"
Hao Meng merely grinned while Cao Cao ordered Wei Xu and Song Xian to kneel before him.
"The land is still in ruins. If I die here, my life will have no more value. I surrender!" Song Xian spoke.
Lu Bu spat at his former lieutenant, all while Wei Xu was watching. Lu Bu's other lieutenant turned to Cao Cao, and submitted as well.
"Your warrior Xu Chu is a strong opponent. I would like to spar with him again. And of course Song Xian's right: we can achieve a lot if we serve a better lord, like you."
As both his men had betrayed him, Lu Bu roared and shook violently, but his chains would not fall off. Cao Cao ordered his new recruits to tackle Lu Bu to the ground, and while they bound his arms and legs, the executioner raised his axe...
And Lu Bu's head was removed from his body.
Ye, Governor's Palace, Guest Room
"Pray correct me if I am mistaken, Master Chen, but you are telling me that Lu Bu trusts me enough to provide the four of you shelter? You four have offered to serve me in the meantime. Well! I am happy to grant Lu Bu amnesty as well should he arrive, and I accept your offer."
Guo Tu's face turned pale, but Tian Feng and Ju Shou were smiling.
And thus Chen Gong, Diao Chan, Gao Shun, and Zhang Liao joined the stars among Yuan Shao's force.