What's up Muckstar's – it's Kurt Riding his rainbow Unicorn in the sky, ready to unleash the contents of his bulging pink fun sack! You heard it here first, Kurt Hummel is running for Senior Class President, and he's not the only one – but more on that later. I did promise an interview with Coach Sue on her Campaign but she and Becky were in too much of a rush trying to return Mr Schu's hormone replacement pills before he got back and told me to go away. He returned as I was leaving though and didn't seem too happy they'd borrowed them, I think he was confused cause he didn't seem to think they were his. I'd have gone back to help straighten it out but I'm finding those 2 totally exhausting this year, and it's only been 2 weeks.
Artie, Coach Beiste and the Guidance Counsellor are co-directing this year's School Musical West Side Story. Blaine and Kurt both want to play Tony and it seemed like it was going to cause friction until Blaine reminded Kurt he was a junior and the role should probably go to a senior. I always thought Blaine was older cause he looks about 25 but then he dresses like a 5 year old boy in an ice cream shop so maybe he has that disease like Jack where his body grows faster than his head. It's super sad but Kurt looks more baby-faced everyday so maybe he's like Brad Pitt and he'll grow backwards and they can meet in the middle.
I wasn't sure about Kurt's first audition cause the scaffolding reminded me of the bars my parents used to put on the stairs so I couldn't climb them when I was 12. But when I heard about his 2nd audition making out with Rachel on a mattress (was that the same one Mr Schu slept on 2 years ago? cause I think it might be cursed) - I knew he'd totally be able to bring the full force of his manly unicorn horn! Artie also told me how Beiste was his own personal Jim Henson, which is crap because I turned Artie into a real boy last year when I took his virginity. But I digest.
As usual Rachel brought her usual brand of insanity to her audition, towards the end pulling the kind of face Lord Tubbington does when he yawns after a big meal. Before the audition she was seen laying into new teacher Miss Shelby about… well something, she gets really shrill when she's pissed off; that girl seriously needs to get that wicked broom out of ass that Santana said she's storing in case she ever needs to audition for the wicked witch of the west on short notice - it's making her super hostile. I hope Mercedes gets the role but she won't be auditioning 'til next week cause Mr Schu brought back Booty Camp. She can park and bark any time, I love to dance around her like she's my own brand of magic fire. But Mr Schu has totally gotta fix Finn who's violent dancing was bad enough to take out the wicked witch of McKinley herself in Born This Way. He made some progress by the end but I'm still gonna keep the length of a Miley Cyrus restraining order away from him in group numbers.
Blaine was last to audition with his rendition of 'Something's Coming' – which Santana said if it was as hot as his performance of 'It's Not Unusual' they'd have to change Something to Someone – I didn't really get it but I was kinda distracted by the rumour of Puck going to see baby Beth At Miss Shelby's flat. Apparently he took a picture of a Pig Clown he drew for her which was super cute but not at all accurate, cause clown pigs have curly tails all over their heads. He wants to be in her life more but I don't know where he'll have the time after he promised to take me on a trip to MANdaLAY. He's not the only one, the idea of being in Beth's life was enough to pull Quinn out of the skank gutter and back into the New Directions. Everyone thinks she's changed but after knowing her for years I can tell she's definitely up to something…
Shelby's also started a rival show choir of all girls headed by last weeks super star Sugar Motta. I was really bummed cause she's almost as talented as Ke$ha but I did manage to find out the secret to her power and that's Ass Burgers. I'm going to the cafeteria after I write this to see if they improve my voice.
With Kurt doubting himself I decided it's time for a Girl to Rule the school so you've heard it here first Muckers – Brittany S. Pearce is running for class president as well. When I asked myself for a comment on Fondue for Two, only dust came out. I'll have to work on my campaign before the debate.
I'll be back next time to keep you Muckers in the loop of what's going down at McKinley – for now-
Cherrio!