Jesse hadn't realized the pain he was in until he had some serious soul searching. But it hurt, he had to admit to himself. What made it so hard, was the fact he knew, now if not before, there was not was he could be happy with reconciliation.
Every time he saw her, his heart broke. He loved her, but he knew she'd never love him, not the way he loved her. Because she did love him, as a close friend.
But his feeling went deeper than friendship. They had for years now.
But the worst part, that made his stomach twist in agony was there was a time when it had seemed to him that they could be more than friends.
He'd meet her years ago when Overwatch was young. Both of them were sort of the young recruits, brought in because different situation, but had bonded over it.
He hadn't liked her like that, not at first, but he'd liked her. She was chipper and upbeat, and he found the way she spoke enduring. Her accent was too cute.
It was over the course of a number of missions that his feeling became apparent to him.
Then came that New Years Eve, they'd both been drinking. He'd said something to her about it, she
Laughed but he didn't think much of it. He was drunk, and she was even more so, things just seemed funny, hell everything seemed funny. He remembered what he'd said to her.
"Come on Lena." He said "I'm serious."
And she had answered.
"Well luv." She said with a giggled and leaned in "want to show it?"
The night was blur, he remembered bits and pieces, but he was so drunk he didn't remember it as clearly as he wished. But they'd spent the night together and he' woken up to the new year hungover but happy, he'd felt like he'd come to harbor where he was safe.
He thought he "got the girl", and he was at peace in his soul.
He rolled over in his bed and saw the mop of chestnut hair. He pulled her close and laid his face next her hair. He was happy.
But it didn't last. He'd dozed off again but was woken up some time later by being violently shaken. It took him a few moments to shake of the haze of the sleep and the hangover, but he saw Lena dressing rapidly.
"Lena?"
"Jesse, this was a mistake." Was all she said and left his room in hurry before he could inquire further. She had always been fast.
He'd been left confused and heart broken. In the following weeks she avoided him, didn't look at him, and he felt terrible.
He started drinking more, and honestly he'd of probably been kicked out of Overwatch if the organization hadn't of been disbanded.
And he was felt lost in the world. His job and profession was gone. The woman he'd loved hated him and he hadn't reconciled with her before they fell out of touch.
The following years were a blur, and it wasn't until he got the recall notice that he started to feel hopeful
If nothing else, he wanted to reconcile with her, because if they couldn't be together, the idea of her hating him was tearing his soul apart.
Once he meet her again, he noted difference in her attitude again, almost like old times. He felt hopeful. But that didn't last.
She told him about her and Emily. How when they'd slept together she was still not out and hadn't meant to take the encounter as far as it had gone, she'd just wanted to tease him a bit, flirt a little, but as she'd drank more, it had simply gone is way she hadn't intended.
He told her he understood, and he hoped they could still be friends, and for a moment it seemed like old times.
But he felt his heart shatter after it processed. Not only had the one time he felt like they'd connected romantically not meant anything, but her orientation meant she would never feel the same way about him as he did her.
That was something he never shook. Knowing that she didn't see him that way did nothing to make him feel for her less, and the idea she'd never feel that way was a knife in the gut.
He'd heard "Love was love", well he guessed that didn't mean that "love" was reciprocated. It was a lonely thought, yet at the same time, she was talking to him again. This was a blessing and a curse.
He treasured every time they were together, he felt happy when she laughed and her accent just made his heart melt. But once they were apart he had to remind himself that not only was she in a relationship, but she was gay and he wasn't even a possibility for her.
For weeks, months possibly, he went to bed heart broken and angry with himself. He wanted to move past this but couldn't.
He remembered that more than a few times, after drinking he'd say to himself "Just let me love you Lena. You don't have to love me, but let me love you, that will be enough."
He never told her this, out of fear of losing her again, even as a friend.
He hoped that one day, he'd be able to find love somewhere else. One of the new recruits seemed to like him in that way, not that he could tell in his mind, but some of the other agents had pointed it out to him. She was pretty sure, and the accent was cute. But he couldn't see past his own hang-ups to even considered anything else.
He was in his cups in his room and muttered "Lena."
"You called luv?"
If he hadn't been so drunk he'd of jumped out of his skin. "What…. are….." he said slowly, trying not to slur his words, and he didn't think he was doing a good job.
"Just listen luv." She said. How she said "luv" neat broke his heart, but he complied. "I love you, but not that way."
His heart sank again.
"I know, or can tell I guess, you aren't over it. I'm sorry if I lead you on that night…." She paused "I was confused, and I was a attracted to you." She paused at this "but I can't be my true self and be with you."
They looked into each other eyes and took a moment for him to realize his eyes were watering.
Her face broke into sadness and she hugged him "We'll always be friends, and I'll always love you, but you need to move on." She whispered in his ear. " I hear the new girl fancy's you."
She gave him a peak on the cheek and left saying "Try to keep the drink down yeah?"
He woke up the next day feeling much more peaceful than he had in years. His heart still ached, but he knew she was right, living like this was not they way to go about things.
He's move on, someway somehow.
He didn't know how yet, but it wasn't drinking. Maybe he's see a therapist, or ask out the new recruit.
But he needed to move past his misery, that he knew and was determined to do now.