The Empty Sky
Nothing.
That's what Shepard remembers about her death. She wishes there had been something more. Singing angels, fluffy white clouds; some kind of promise they would meet again.
Nothing.
That's what she's feeling right now.
She's holding his hand, but he's already slipped away. The last few seconds replay over and over in her mind. If only she had shoved him out of the way. If only they'd gotten the door closed a couple of seconds faster. If only…
The rest of her crew are standing around, shifting their weight awkwardly. She ignores them.
Garrus.
Suddenly, she's back there. The night before. God, was it such a short time ago?
His smile falters as she looks up into his eyes. His mandibles work, holding something back, and then it all comes tumbling out.
"I just… I've seen so many things go wrong, Shepard. My work at C-Sec, what happened with Sidonis… I want something to go right. Just once. Just…"
He leans down, gently touches his forehead against hers, reaches up and…
Samara's hand is on her shoulder.
"Commander, there's nothing we can do for him."
Samara's right. She has a job to do, she can't stay here. But she doesn't want to leave him. One half of her is screaming, crying. The other gently takes his visor, slips it on over her head, adjusts it to fit.
His eyes, one looking at her seriously through the blue screen.
"I didn't want to tell you, Shepard. To be honest, I didn't want to admit it to myself. I thought – god, I've thought a lot of things, you wouldn't want to hear half of it. I was worried I was a pervert, that I got off on aliens. But – it's just you, Shepard. I just want you."
She looks at Samara through his visor, nods with lips pressed together. She has a job to do. And she owes it to him to make sure it happens.
"Right," she says, stands. She looks at her crew. They're looking back at her. Even Miranda looks concerned. She needs to say something reassuring. "We always knew this was going to be a dangerous mission," she says, "We will see it through."
The crew visibly relaxes. Their leader is back in command. Shepard feels the mask of leadership slipping over her features, and she locks away the screaming, hysterical part until later. If she makes it. If any of them do.
She nominates Taylor to lead the second team, and leads hers toward the rendezvous point, with Samara providing protection from the Collector swarms. As Shepard employs her sniper rifle, all she can think of is Garrus, and she wishes he was by her side.
Do it for him. That's the part that's clinging onto sanity.
Using Garrus' visor, she sees the world as he does. Microprocessors embedded in its band split the world into enemies and allies, each helpfully marked. Shoot. Don't shoot. Her aim is infallible. She catches Miranda looking at her from time to time, a frown creasing her forehead.
They make it through. Of course they do. And Taylor brings the others through without further casualties.
They advance slightly further and-
This is it, she realises. This is where it ends. She jumps onto a platform with Miranda and Grunt, their faces serious. She turns to face the others. Garrus should be standing here beside her. His absence hurts like a wound. She swallows heavily. Time to be leader.
"We've lost some good people," she says. Garrus, her mind whispers. "They gave everything to get us here. It's up to us to make it mean something, and do them justice.
"It's been a long journey, and no one's… no one's coming out without scars. But it all comes down to this moment. We win or lost it all in the next few minutes. Make me proud. Make yourselves proud."
Jack raises her gun to her forehead. A salute. A farewell. Shepard nods in response, turns. Onward. To the end, whatever it might bring.
She had been hoping for a real battle. Now she is standing with the heart of the Collector base in her hands, and it all seems too easy.
There isn't any question about what to do. She programs the core to overload, replaces it.
"That's it," she says, holsters her gun. "It's over."
Nothing will be the same again.
Then the human-shaped Reaper lurches up out of the chasm, and she doesn't need to think for a time.
"Got you," Grunt says, and she's almost disappointed. She's sprawled on the floor of the Normandy's airlock.
"How many made it?" she asks, when she can speak.
"Most of us," Joker replies as they make their way down the corridor.
"Who did we lose?"
"Dr Solus, Vakarian, Jack," Miranda says, her tone carefully neutral. "We recovered their bodies."
Shepard groans, "I have to see them."
"Captain, we still need to get out of this junkyard, preferably before we get blown to smithereens." That is Joker.
"I have to see them now," Shepard says, her voice twisting, and Miranda and Grunt lower their heads, walk away.
"Alright, Commander," Joker says soothingly, "We'll see them straight away. But after we're out of this minefield. Strap yourself in, this might get interesting."
Joker manages to get them clear of the blast and guides them safely back through the relay. When he goes to check on Shepard, he finds her strapped into her chair, sound asleep. Her hair has fallen forward, obscuring her face.
He goes to find Dr Chakwas. She's working on Thane, who's nursing a broken arm, but when she sees the look on Joker's face, she leaves him and comes over, her brow furrowed.
"Are you hurt, Jeff?"
"Not me. Shepard."
He barely has the words out and she's packing her bag.
"How bad is she?" she asks over her shoulder.
"Physically, she's fine. It's Garrus, Doctor – he didn't make it."
Dr Chakwas looks up, "Where is she?"
"She's in the cockpit. Asleep. I think… it would be best if she stayed that way awhile."
When Chakwas administers the injection, Shepard shifts slightly, sighs, but seems to relax.
"She'll sleep for six, maybe eight hours." Chakwas says, repacking her bag. Two orderlies gently unclip the harness and lift her out of the chair. "Take her to her quarters," she says, "It would be best if she wakes in a familiar location."
"You – are the best thing that has ever happened to me," he says. The fingers of her hand are entwined with his talons, and she admires their length and dexterity. With her other hand, she strokes his waist. "Shepard," he says appreciatively, a low growl starting in the back of his throat.
She's smiling when she wakes, but her brow furrows when she sees Joker sitting beside her.
"Joker?"
She sits up and immediately regrets it. "God, I feel like I've been hit with a ten-tonne truck," she says, clutching her head. "What happened?"
"You fell asleep," Joker says, "Dr Chakwas and I thought it might be better if you slept for a bit longer."
"Why?" Shepard asks, her voice angry.
Joker says nothing, his sympathy in his face and the hat that rests in his hands.
And then she remembers.
"I'm sorry," he says, and she realises tears are rolling down his face.
"I just want you to know, Shepard. If the worst happens -being here, with you, has been the happiest times of my life. If I'm going to die on this mission, I'll die happy. I just want you to know that."
"Shhh," she said, putting a finger across his mouth, "Nothing will separate us. Nothing."
Joker bows his head.
Why did you vanish
into the empty sky?
Even the fragile snow
when it falls,
falls in this world.
- Izumi Shikibu
Endnote: This story was written in response to the random word challenge 'Nothing' (#26) in the livejournal community me_challenge. As usual, Bioware owns all characters. Please read and review!