[A/N] Five reasons Sasuke's life would've been easier if he was a girl, and then one more just for kicks. It starts out serious, and gets, well... less.

1. The Massacre

The compound was so quiet, it was scary. Sasuko tightened her grip on her sensei's hand—when nobody had come to pick her up, he had refused to let her walk home alone.

She arrived at her house and slid the door open, the slight creaks echoing eerily in the silence. She could hear something moving down the hall, so she disentangled her hand and ran towards where she hoped her family would be.

She found them. Her big brother was wiping blood off his sword onto the shirt of their father, who was lying on the ground, dead. The pieces in her head refused to connect for a moment, and then everything made sense and she took a step back.

"Itachi-nii-san, you…"

He looked up at her, and his eyes looked as dead as those of her mother, lying bleeding on the floor.

"Father let you be weak because you're a girl, imouto-chan. But there are no excuses for weakness. Look what happened, because of it. Look at what you might've prevented, if only you were stronger."

With a flicker, he appeared in front of her as Iruka arrived in the doorway.

"You're too weak to kill, imouto-chan."

And then Sasuko's world went black.

2. Fangirls

"Sakura-chan, will you go out with me?" Naruto braced himself for impact. He had learned from experience that the question was a good way to get punched in the face—this time was no different.

"Naruto, you idiot, how many times to I have to say, NO!?" Sakura yelled at him, hands on her hips.

"But why not?" he whined from the floor, rubbing his cheek. Sakura didn't punch like a girl. Heck, Sakura didn't punch like a guy. Sakura punched like a battering ram. She was awesome. But still, ow.

"We, the Sasuko-sama fan club, have pledged ourselves to focus on training, not boys. Like our amazing Sasuko-sama does." Her eyes were slightly unfocused, and staring dreamily into space. "We won't date anyone until Sasuko-sama herself does."

"Hmph," grumbled Naruto. "What's so amazing about that stupid girl, anyways?"

Sakura rounded on him, eyes blazing with fury. "Don't you DARE call Sasuko-sama stupid! She's strong, and beautiful, and mysterious, and aloof, and…"

Naruto just sighed. Sasuko was too stuck-up to date anyone.

"…confident, and caring, and gentle, and…"

Sakura would be out of his reach forever.

"…loving, and humble, and open hearted, and nice-smelling, and soooooo cool!"

3. Danzo

Itachi stared coldly at the man who, in the man's not-so-humble opinion, had just made an extremely generous offer.

Itachi disagreed.

"Danzo-san," he stated flatly. "You, knowing I have cut my ties to the village, chose to endanger us all by contacting me with Root, which in essence should not exist. You then choose to honour me," and his voice took on the slightest hint of sarcasm, "with your personal presence, in order to offer to manipulate my little sister into murdering her teammate, die a heroic death, and save me her eyes. In order to further your own political agenda. Correct?"

Danzo was well-practiced in hiding his emotions. As a result, he hid his trepidation and uncertainty in a firm, confident nod. Itachi was probably just trying to intimidate him, anyways.

"Die," Itachi snarled, his eyes bleeding into his crimson bladed Mangekyou Sharingan.

4. The C-Rank

"How about an escort to the Land of Waves?"

"A C-Rank! Awesome! I'm going to kick some ass!"

An ANBU flickered into the room and whispered something in the Hokage's ear.

"Naruto, you're being really rude. We're going to kick some butt."

"Ah, not that one, then. Reliable intelligence is always important, remember that Kakashi. A delivery to a hotspring in the Land of Hot Water?"

"Yeah, Sakura, like Sasuko would ever let herself do something as fun as ass-kicking."

Kakashi thought about it. It would be easy, fast, he could force team bonding exercises on his cute little students…

"What did you say about me? Are you saying that I'm incapable of winning a fight?"

And then they might actually get along with each other…

"You've got a stick so far up your ass that you'd injure yourself if you tried!"

"When can we start, Hokage-sama?"

5. Orochimaru

Naruto barged into the clearing where he'd left his teammates and froze. There was a Grass gennin, literally ripping her own face off, across from his teammates who seemed frozen in fear.

"…Orochimaru, and I've come for you, Sa-su-ko-chan. I'll just leave you with a little gift, and your delicious Sharingan shall soon be mine!"

And with that, the newly identified Orochimaru's head shot towards Sasuko, propelled by an unnaturally long neck. Naruto tensed, knowing that he wouldn't get there in time but refusing to sit back without even trying to help.

It turned out, though, that he didn't have to.

Sakura, who had been staring at the ground trembling, had looked up as the ninja had finished his monologue. And Naruto, having been on the receiving end of her ire often enough, could tell the moment that her shaking changed from fear to righteous fury.

The moment Orochimaru came into range, she punched him. Hard. Neck still extended, the ninja's head was slammed into a tree and slid down it weakly, before slowly contracting back towards his body.

"You stay away from my Sasuko-sama, you, you pervert! You're not good enough to lick the dirt off her feet, you disgusting piece of slime! What were you going to do, bite her? Kidnap her? Pluck her eyes out, you sick, sick bastard?"

Knowing that he was out of time and that reinforcements would soon arrive, and having uncomfortable flashbacks of Tsunade, Orochimaru retreated.

6. Confessions

"Sasuko, I—"

"Naruto, I—"

Both chunnin stopped, looking at each other. "Meet you at the training ground?" Naruto suggested, gesturing at the busy street around them. Sasuko nodded, and they both disappeared.

"So," Naruto started, staring off the bridge a few minutes later, "I wanted to talk to you 'cause I have something to tell you."

"Same," Sasuko replied. "But you go first."

"Alright. So, you're my friend—maybe my best friend, and I feel like I've known you forever and I wouldn't do either of us any favours if I didn't say it, so, Sasuko…I'm gay."

She nodded. "I know. I'm your best friend, after all. And I'm dating Gaara, and he agrees with me. Don't you dare go all protective on me, or we'll kick your ass."

Naruto slumped against the railing in relief. And then her last sentence registered in his brain. "Wait, Gaara? GAARA?"