Title: The Uncomfortable Nuptials of Chloe Sullivan and Jimmy Olsen
Author: Mitch
Rating: PG-13
Category: Parody/Humor
Pairing: Let's just say Clark gets around.
Spoilers: Bride, and possibly other episodes.
A/N: So, I saw the episode Bride, and I just couldn't help myself. God, I love a wedding in Smallville!!! There are a couple of AU differences (I mean, other than the entire story!) which should be obvious, the main one being that the weird/lame camera friend of Jimmy's doesn't exist here.
A/N2: Also. I challenge you to find a more repulsive word than nuptials. I challenge you. And without further ado…
~*~The Uncomfortable Nuptials of Chloe Sullivan and Jimmy Olsen~*~
or
~Jumping 'Ship~
A Comedy in Two Acts
Act I
The hayloft is filled with guests for Chloe and Jimmy's wedding. At the top of the stairs, Clark's loft is hidden from view with billowing white curtains. Jimmy waits on the bottom stair, standing across from an elderly priest who stands below him on the ground level, apparently fighting to stay awake.
Lois and Oliver watch from beside the catering table, both of them holding a full glass of champagne in each hand. They are drunk.
The Wedding March starts to play and everyone turns their attention to the top of the stairs.
Clark emerges from the curtains and comes down the stairs smiling widely. He is holding a basket full of white flower petals and happily throwing them in handfuls as he marches down the stairs. He gets to the bottom of the stairs, puts down the basket of flowers and runs back up the stairs, disappearing behind the curtains. He emerges again, marching down the stairs a second time, carefully holding two rings on a white pillow. He puts the pillow down next to the flower basket and runs back up the stairs to disappear behind the curtains once more, and then comes marching down a third time with Chloe at his side, their arms linked. They talk as they descend.
Chloe: This is the happiest day of my life!
Clark: I'm only happy I could be here to help with... well, everything.
Chloe: I really appreciate it.
Clark: Not that I would mind letting your dad give you away...
Chloe: He can't. He's mysteriously absent.
Clark: Or letting Lois act as the flower girl.
Chloe: She can't. She's mysteriously drunk.
Clark: Or letting one of Jimmy's friends be the ring-bearer.
Chloe: Jimmy doesn't have friends, Clark. He is a singular entity.
Clark: Oh. Right. Sorry.
Lois: (To Oliver.) This is the worst day of my life.
Oliver: I'm only sorry I have to suffer through it with you.
Lois: Chloe has no idea what kind of mistake she's making.
Oliver: Neither does Clark.
Lois: Clark? But Chloe is marrying Jimmy.
Oliver: But Clark is the entire wedding party. No way he's gonna hold it all together.
Lois: Well, aren't you a ray of sunshine? (Swallows champagne.)
Oliver: (Belch.) Are you talking to me or your drink?
Lois: (Hiccup.) I'm not really sure.
Chloe and Clark arrive next to Jimmy on the bottom stair.
Chloe: (To Clark.) Well, here we are! I'm getting married now! To Jimmy! Forever and ever! Wish me luck on my marriage! It's going to last forever! And ever and ever and ever, Clark!
Clark: Good lu—
Chloe: Unless you have any objections...
Clark: Huh?
Chloe: Forever and ever and ever.
Clark: Ummm.
Chloe: Now would be the time to say it, Clark.
Clark: Well...
Chloe: Yeah?
Clark: I sort of object...
Chloe: Yeah?!
Clark: ...to being the best man during the ceremony.
Chloe: (Pause.) What?
Clark: I mean... I noticed you don't have anyone to stand next to you and... and hold the flowers.
Chloe: (Disbelief.) ...You want to be my bridesmaid?
Clark: (Blush.) They're really beautiful flowers, Chloe.
Chloe: (Rolls eyes.) Fine. (Hands him the bouquet.)
Clark: Yay!
Lois: (To Oliver, tragically.) I'm her cousin.
Oliver: (Taking another drink.) Mm-hmm.
Lois: I'm her family.
Oliver: Mm-hmm.
Lois: And what do I get?
Oliver: Drunk.
Lois: Robbed! I get robbed, Oliver. I get nothing from her.
Oliver: (Lifting his drink.) Amen!
Lois: Not even a place in the wedding party! I should be the one holding those flowers and standing up next to her! Not Clark! How could she overlook me like that?
Oliver: Well, it's not exactly like she overlooked you.
Lois: Huh?
Oliver: More like she asked you to be her bridesmaid…
Lois: Oh?
Oliver: And you spit champagne in her face.
Lois: Oh. Oh! Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.
Oliver: Yeah.
Lois: Still, though. Look at Clark with those flowers. Ridiculous.
Clark is absorbed in his flowers, picking petals off one by one.
Oliver: Kind of cute, actually.
Lois: (Hiccup.) What?
Oliver: (Belch.) Nothing.
Priest: Now then. Are we ready to begin?
Chloe: (Under her breath, to Clark.) I'm the girl of your dreams.
Clark: What?
Chloe: Nothing. (Under her breath.) Masquerading as your best friend.
Clark: What?
Chloe: Nothing. (Under her breath.) Soon to be masquerading as somebody else's wife.
Clark: What?
Chloe: Nothing.
Clark: Chloe, are you trying to tell me something?
Chloe: Now, what would ever give you that idea?
Jimmy: Is everything okay?
Chloe: Jeez, Jimmy, interrupt much? We're having a private conversation!
Jimmy: Oh, sorry. I'll wait.
Clark: Chloe, that's no way to talk to the—
Chloe: Girl of your dreams...
Clark: —man you're about to... what?
Chloe: Nothing.
Clark: Are you trying to tell me something?
Chloe: Now, what would ever give you that idea?
Jimmy: Um...
Clark: I feel like we've done this before.
Chloe: (Rolling eyes.) Only about a million times.
Jimmy: I'm sorry to interrupt, you guys, but... the wedding?
Lois: (Swallowing more champagne, getting excited.) You know what this wedding could use?
Oliver: A cancellation?
Lois: A surprise guest!
Oliver: What, like someone jumping out of a cake?
Lois: No.
Oliver: 'Cause we've already done that.
Lois: That's not what I meant.
Oliver: I mean, you've already done that.
Lois: Oliver, don't start.
Oliver: (Chuckling.) You really made Jimmy's bachelor party a memorable one.
Lois: I did you guys a favor. The stripper you hired was a joke.
Oliver: We didn't hire a stripper, Lois.
Lois: I had to take matters into my own hands.
Oliver: Oh, you did that.
Lois: Not that Clark would deign to notice.
Oliver: (Hiccup.) What?
Lois: (Belch.) Nothing.
Chloe: Well, Clark? Do you have anything else to say before I give my love to this other guy here? Forever?
Clark: (Oblivious with his flowers.) Loves me, loves me not…
Chloe: (To Jimmy.) Okay, fine. Let's get married.
Jimmy: Are you sure? I mean, if it's not a good time—
Chloe: Let's get married, I said! Ready, set, go!
Jimmy: Yes, ma'am.
Chloe: Hop to!
Jimmy: Yes, ma'am.
Chloe: Chop chop!
Jimmy: Yes, ma'am.
Chloe: YES MA'AM WHAT?!
Jimmy: Yes, ma'am… ma'am?
Chloe: That's more like it.
Jimmy: Yes, ma'am. (Pointed glare from Chloe.) Uh, ma'am!
Chloe: Go ahead, Father.
Priest: (Snore.)
Chloe: Father!
Priest: (Waking with a start!) Hmm! Oh, yes, thank you. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness this—
Lois: Mistake!!!
Everyone gasps.
Chloe: What?
Oliver: Uh, beefsteak. She said beefsteak. Don't worry, Lois. We'll have plenty of beefsteak after the wedding.
Lois: Is that what I said?
Chloe: Oh, okay. Please continue, Father.
Priest: Well, then. Yes. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of two—
Oliver: Lemon drops? What the hell, man? I didn't ask for lemon drops!
Waiter: Oh, no, sir. These are for the lady. (Hands two drinks to Lois.)
Lois: Cheers, amigo.
Oliver: (Pause.) You didn't order one for me?
Jimmy: You guys, come on! We're trying to have a wedding here! I mean… if that's okay.
Chloe: Honestly, Jimmy, grow a backbone, would you?
Jimmy: You're right. I'm sorry.
Chloe: SORRY WHAT?!
Jimmy: Sorry, ma'am!
Chloe: That's better. Father?
Priest: (Wary.) Yes?
Chloe: Continue.
Priest: Ahem. Dearly beloved…
Chloe: Okay, no. You know what? This is taking way too long. Could you just get to the vows?
Jimmy: Oh, good! I spent all night writing mine. I can't wait to share them with you!
Chloe: Yeah, about that. I read your vows this morning, and they don't really work for me. Let's just go the traditional route, 'kay?
Jimmy: (Sadly.) Okay. I mean… okay, ma'am.
Priest: Do you, Jimmy, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Jimmy: I guess.
Chloe: Speak up!
Jimmy: I mean, yes! Yes, I do!
Priest: And do you, Chloe, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Chloe: (Eying Clark.) I do…
Clark: Not!!!
Chloe: (Excited.) Clark??
Clark: (Holds up a flower petal.) Loves me not?! These things are broken!
Clark throws his bouquet to the floor. Everyone stares at him. He thinks better of it, picks up the bouquet again, and starts picking petals off of another flower.
Clark: (Quietly.) Loves me, loves me not. Loves me…
Priest: Uh, shall I continue?
Chloe: Fine. We've got nothing else going on, right?
Jimmy: Chloe, are you sure this is a—
Chloe: Speak when spoken to, boy.
Jimmy: *Sigh.*
Priest: And so with the power vested in me by the state of Kansas, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the…
Lois: Mistake!!!
Everyone turns toward Lois.
Chloe: What?
Lois: (Hiccup.) You have no idea what you're getting into!
Chloe: Lois!
Oliver: (Taking the champagne away from Lois.) I think what Lois means is that you have no idea what great times lay ahead of you. Right, Lois?
Lois: Hmm? Uh, okay.
Chloe: Okay.
Priest: Okay…
Jimmy: Please, continue, Father.
Priest: Okay. (Darkly.) Bride.
A shiver goes through everyone in the barn.
Chloe: (Terrified.) What?
Priest: Hmm? Oh, I was picking up where I left off. You may now kiss the… bride…
Another shiver ripples through the barn.
Oliver: (Finishing Lois's champagne.) Wow. That was creepy…
Lois: That's creepy? How about the fact that this wedding is taking place in a barn?
Oliver: Okay. You have a point.
Lois: Or the fact that Clark is a one-man wedding party?
Clark: Not?! Ugh!
Clark throws down the flowers again. Then he retrieves them again and starts picking more petals.
Lois & Oliver: Cute.
Lois: (Hiccup.) What?
Oliver: (Belch.) Nothing.
Lois: (To Clark.) Hey, Smallville! That nosegay really brings out your eyes!
Clark: (Scandalized.) What? Gay?!
Chloe: Guys! Can we finish here?
Jimmy: Yeah, guys, come on! We have to finish our nuptials!
Lois: Ew.
Jimmy: What?
Chloe: Jimmy, don't say that word, okay?
Jimmy: What word? Nuptials?
Oliver: Ew!
Chloe: Jimmy…
Lois: Mistake!!!
Chloe: Lois!
Oliver: I need a lemon drop.
Lois: Agreed. Waiter!
Chloe and Jimmy seal their marriage with a kiss, and everyone applauds. Everyone other than Lois and Oliver who are waiting for their drinks impatiently and Clark who is absorbed in his flowers.
Priest: May your love carry you onward and upward, and may your evening of gaiety withstand the Ungodly Prophecy of Doom.
Jimmy: Wait.
Chloe: Prophecy?
Clark: (Scandalized.) What? Gay?!
Chloe: Not you, Clark. Play with your flowers.
Clark returns to picking petals.
Priest: Oh, it's nothing for you two to worry yourselves with. Just a series of cryptic symbols burned into the side of the barn.
Clark: Kryptonian.
Priest: Gesundheit.
Jimmy: Huh?
Clark: Not 'cryptic.' Kryptonian. (Picking a flower petal, frowning.) Loves me not…
Chloe: There are Kryptonian symbols on the side of the barn?! What do they say?
Clark: Oh, I don't remember exactly. "Beware the harbinger of doom who thirsts for the blood of a bride" or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention.
Chloe: You saw this prophecy, and you didn't tell me about it?!
Clark: Oh, I didn't just see it. I burned it into the wood with my heat vision.
Chloe: What is this, some kind of sick joke?
Clark: No, it was more like a weird shrieking noise in my head and then I lost control of my eyes for a minute. I'm sure it's nothing. (Picks a petal.) Loves me…
Chloe: (Fearfully.) Jimmy…
Jimmy: It's okay, honey. Let's not let some weird crypty-whosy-whats-it stop us from having the wonderful night that we planned.
Clark: Kryptonian.
Priest: Gesundheit.
Chloe: You're right. And if anything does go wrong, Clark is here to protect us. Right, Clark?
Clark: (Sniffing at his flowers.) Are these even real?
Jimmy: (Annoyed.) I will protect you now, Chloe. After all, you are my… bride…
Everyone shivers.
Chloe: God, that word is suddenly so creepy.
Jimmy: Time for cake!
Lois: Mistake!!!
Oliver: Lois, would you give it a rest?
Lois: (To Oliver.) I told her white cake was the way to go. But would she listen to me? Nooooo! She went for devil's food.
Oliver: Sounds ominous.
Lois: (Sing-songy.) She'll regreeeet iiiit!
Chloe: I can heeear yooou!
Jimmy: Jeez. Tell me why we invited her again?
Chloe: Be nice. She doesn't have a date.
Jimmy: Figures.
Priest: (Ceremonially.) You may now cut the cake.
Chloe: Oh. Um, thanks.
Jimmy: You know, Father, the ceremony is over. You don't have to keep making pronouncements.
Priest: (Snore.)
Clark: (Sadly.) Loves me not…
Chloe: Hey, Clark. Why don't you come help us cut the cake?
Clark: (Excited.) Really?!
Lois & Oliver: (In disbelief.) Really?
Jimmy: Chloe, what are you doing?
Chloe: Be nice, Jimmy. He doesn't have a date.
Jimmy: That's because he alienates everyone who loves him!
Lois & Oliver: That's for damn sure.
Oliver: (Hiccup.) Huh?
Lois: (Belch.) Nothing.
Clark: What? Alien?!
Chloe: No, Clark. Cake. Help us cut the cake.
Clark: Okay!
Clark runs to Chloe's side and helps her and Jimmy hold the cutting knife.
Jimmy: Honestly, Chloe, this is ridiculous.
Chloe: Be a sport, Jimmy! Clark has been my best friend forever!
Clark: (Slyly, winking.) Or am I the 'girl of your dreams masquerading as your best friend'? Hmm?
Jimmy: Oh, my God.
Chloe: (Becoming excited.) Clark, what are you trying to say?
Clark: (Pause.) I don't know. I'm not sure that came out right.
Chloe: Are you sure? Because it sort of sounded like—
Lois: Mistake!!!
Chloe: Lois, will you stop saying that?!
Lois walks over to the cake table and squeezes in between Chloe and Clark, placing her hand on top of the three hands already holding the cutting knife.
Lois: (To Chloe.) Listen, cuz, I can see what's going on here, and it is a very bad idea.
Chloe: What do you mean?
Lois: Don't you think that your wedding day with Jimmy is something of an inappropriate time to be bringing up the Clark and Chloe Chronicles?
Chloe: I didn't bring anything up. Clark did. And, Clark, if it's something you want to talk about…
Lois: (Looking pointedly at Clark.) The only thing Clark should be bringing up is the rear of the wedding line.
Clark: What? Rear?!
Lois: Or maybe the rear of my dress… (She winks at Clark.)
Chloe: Subtle, Lo.
Clark: (Blush.) Lois! You're my boss.
Lois: Or maybe I'm really the girl of your dreams masquerading as your boss.
Chloe: Hey!
Oliver: Hey! Are you four going to cut the cake or what?
Jimmy: We four aren't going to do anything! Chloe, come on!
Oliver: He's right, you know. You guys obviously don't have a good handle on things. Here, let me help.
Oliver joins the cake-cutting line, squeezing in between Lois and Clark, putting his hand on the stack of hands.
Oliver: (To Clark, sweetly.) Hey.
Clark: (Smiling.) Hey.
Lois & Chloe: (Jealous.) Hey!
Jimmy: (Rolling his eyes.) Hay is for horses.
Clark: What? Horses?!
Oliver: Nope, no horses, Clark. We made sure to tie them up before the ceremony, remember?
Clark: Oh, that's right. Thanks for helping with that, by the way. You're such a good friend.
Oliver: Well, who knows, Clark? Maybe I'm the leather clad, arrow-toting hero of your dreams masquerading as a good friend.
Chloe: Hey! Come up with your own romantic quips!
Oliver: That was my own! I haven't seen you wearing any leather lately.
Chloe: That line is still mine!
Jimmy: Well, it's a stale one.
Chloe: Besides, I do have some leather… If that's what you're into, Clark…
Jimmy: (Letting go of the knife.) You've got to be kidding me!
Chloe: (To Clark, scrambling.) Maybe I'm the hypothetically leather-clad, cake-cutting, bride-of-another-guy, erstwhile investigative reporter masquerading—
Jimmy: Damn it, Chloe, STOP!
Priest: (Waking up.) You may now commence with your first married argument.
Jimmy: Thank you, Father!
Priest: (Snore.)
Clark: (Pouting.) Aren't we going to cut the cake?
Jimmy: Shove it, CK!
Oliver: I'll help you cut the cake, Clark.
Jimmy: You too, Queenie!
Chloe: Jimmy!
Jimmy: Don't "Jimmy" me, lady!
Chloe: Well, I was planning on waiting for the honeymoon…
Oliver: Ew.
Lois: Mistake!
Clark: (Cutting the cake.) Can I have the first piece??
Jimmy: I have had it about up to here with your romantic feelings for Clark Kent!
Chloe & Lois & Oliver: I don't know what you're talking about!!!
Jimmy: (To Lois and Oliver.) I'm talking to my new wife if you don't mind!
Lois: (Hiccup.) I didn't say anything.
Oliver: (Belch.) What she said.
Clark: (Mouthful.) Cake!
Jimmy: Clark, you're an idiot.
Clark: (Sad mouthful.) Cake?
Chloe: Jimmy, what's come over you?
Jimmy: Sanity, apparently! I can't believe it took me this long to realize that you're just as crazy as your friends!
Chloe: What are you saying?
Jimmy: I'm saying that this whole wedding was nothing but a big fat—
Lois: Mistake!!!
Chloe: Lois, stop it!
Lois: Oh, not you, cuz. I spilled champagne down my dress.
Chloe: Oh.
Lois: Maybe someone can… help me clean it up? Clarkie?
Clark: Huh?
Lois: (Pushing her chest forward.) A little help here?
Oliver: Shameless.
Clark: Lois, what are you doing?
Lois: (Bending further to reveal her cleavage.) Oh, no! I'm all wet and gorgeous. Won't you help?
Oliver: That's never going to work.
Clark: Okay.
Clark pulls out a handkerchief and dabs at Lois's chest.
Oliver: (Astounded.) No way.
Lois: Oh, thank you so much, Clark. I don't know what I would do without you.
Clark: Yeah, well, I ran out of flower petals anyway. You know, I don't think those flowers were even real!
Lois: They weren't real, Clark. They were made of extremely expensive silk.
Clark: (Still dabbing.) Oh. Oops.
Lois: (Sultry.) Not unlike the silky smooth skin of my bosom…
Oliver: Mistake!!!
They look at Oliver who has a spreading stain across the front of his pants.
Oliver: (Dramatically.) Oh, no! I spilled champagne all over! Clark, can't you come and help me?
Clark: Um, okay.
Lois: Wait, seriously?
Clark folds his handkerchief inside out and gets down on his knees in front of Oliver to start dabbing.
Lois: Mistake!!!
Clark: Wow, you really are wet. Maybe we should get these wet pants off of you before you catch a cold.
Chloe: (Noticing.) Mistake!!!
Oliver: (Unzipping.) I couldn't agree more.
Lois & Chloe & Jimmy: MISTAKE!!!
There is a huge crash and the whole barn rattles, silencing everyone.
Chloe: What was that?
Priest: (Waking up.) The Ungodly Prophecy of Doom is about to be fulfilled! Father in Heaven, protect us all!
There are three slow and ominous knocks on the barn door.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Silence.
Everyone: (In unison.) Who is it?
The door opens and a figure walks into the barn.
Everyone: AAAAAAHHHHH!
Lana: Um, hi?
Priest: Oh, thank God! It's not the prophecy after all!
Chloe: Relax, everyone. It's not the harbinger of doom. It's only Lana.
Lois: Harbinger? What harbinger?
Oliver: Yeah, I was screaming about her new hair.
Lois: Terrifying.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Silence.
Everyone: Who is it?
A terrifying monster lumbers into the barn.
Doomsday: (In a monstery voice.) I am Doomsday, and I thirst for the blood of a bride!
Silence.
Lana: So… have you cut the cake yet? I'm starving.
Everyone: AAAAAHHHH!
End of Act I.