Schadenfreude.
"SUPER Happy Food Time!"
Characters: Ling Yao, Lan Fan, Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric, Winry Rockbell, Alfons Heidrich, Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Jean Havoc, Heymans Breda, Kain Fuery, Valto Falman, Eduard Heidrich
Pairings: LingFan, EdWin, AlMei, implied others
Word Count: 2369

Disclaimer: We do not own Fullmetal Alchemist or anything else that you might recognise. We do, however, own the very crackish plot, and several OCs (Eduard Heidrich, Wilhelmine Raskoph, Ross Muhlfeld, Liesa Hauser).

"Welcome to the grand opening of Super Happy Food Time!" Ling announced with a huge grin. "I'm Ling Yao, co-owner, and this is my beautiful wife, Lan Fan, and Ed is this really your entire group?" Ling asked, scanning the group, which consisted of merely four people – Edward, Alphonse, Winry, and Alfons.

"Professor Bastard –"

"Edward," Winry warned.

"Roy Mustang, sorry, is coming by in a few minutes. He said that he was bringing more people. And aren't there usually students here?"

"The official grand opening isn't for another hour," Ling explained.

"Why did you make us come an hour early?" Ed complained.

"Because you're my friends, and friends get a discount!"

"Really?"

Ling nodded. "You guys eat free for tonight. Every other night's fifty percent off."

Ed was at a loss for words, and Alphonse seemed to be in a similar state.

"Are you two okay?"

Ling didn't get a response, as Edward and Alphonse ran to the buffet tables and began piling plates high with food.

Winry rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry about them, Ling."

Ling grinned. "It's no problem. We expected that. You two can go ahead and eat, too. I just expect all of you to come back to eat here every once in a while."

"That won't be a problem," Alfons assured him with a smile before going to get food.

Winry rolled her eyes again. Men. "I'd better make sure that Edward doesn't choke when he inhales his food. Thank you for inviting, us, Ling."

"No problem! I just hope Mustang gets here soon…"

With that, he went to hover by the front door. Winry sighed and went go get some food.

She sat down at a table with Edward, Alphonse, and Alfons, the latter of which was the only one acting like a sane individual and eating his food rather than inhaling it.

"Ed, please chew your food. I don't want to have to go to the emergency room again."

Ed rolled his eyes. "That was one time!"

"And that one time was more than enough, thank you."

Edward had opened his mouth to reply when a very loud song in Japanese cut him off.

Donna toki mo doko ni iru toki demo tsuyoku tsuyoku dakishimeteite jounetsu ga nichijou ni somaru toshite mo -

Alfons blushed and checked his caller ID. With an apologetic smile toward his friends, he answered the phone. "Hallo?"

He blushed almost instantly. "Äh... Wil... N-nein! I-ich liebe dich auch! Natürlich!"

Edward rolled his eyes, and continued to shovel food into his mouth.

"Ja? Ä-äh... das ist... wunderbar, Wil. ...Nein, ich bin nicht – Wil, bitte... Ich liebe dich, liebling. ...Äh... ...äh, ja. Okay. Ich liebe dich auch. Tschüs ."

Edward smirked when Alfons slipped his phone back into his pocket.

"You just told her that you loved her three times. There is no way in hell that she's just your friend."

Alphonse rolled his eyes, all too familiar with this argument. Winry, however, glared at her boyfriend. "Edward," she warned.

Edward rolled his eyes. "Fine, fine, I'll stop." A few seconds later, he asked, "Where's Professor Bastard, anyway? Ling'll kill me if he doesn't show."

Alphonse laughed. "He wouldn't kill you, Ed… he'd just raid our fridge."

"What's the difference!"

"Petulant as always, I see, Fullmetal."

Edward looked up to see Roy Mustang standing on his right. "See if you'll be smirking when squinty eyes raids your fridge."

"Hello, Roy," Winry greeted, ignoring her boyfriend.

Roy smiled. "Winry, always a pleasure. And Al and Alfons, hello."

Edward glared at Roy, who laughed. "Hey, Fullmetal, I wanted to ask you something," he began, pulling a chair over.

"What?"

"You're still unemployed, aren't you?"

Edward only glared at Roy.

"It's a serious question, Fullmetal."

"Why do you even care?" Edward snapped.

Roy smirked. "I have a proposition for you. Amestris High School is in desperate need for a chemistry teacher – and it's August, as you well know. School starts in a month, and Bradley is desperate."

"You want me to apply?"

"Well, you have your Bachelor's in chemistry, don't you?"

"Well, yeah, but I thought that you needed to have a degree in teaching to be a teacher."

Roy laughed. "If you did, do you think that half of the staff at Amestris would be working there? I certainly wouldn't be. Listen, you'd be a chemistry teacher, so you'd only need a degree in that – which you have. Then you just take a test to get certified as a teacher – and you'll pass."

"What makes you so sure of that?"

"Armstrong passed. You'll pass without any trouble."

"Why do you need me to be a chemistry teacher?"

"I told you, the school's desperate. Our head of the science department – one of the other chemistry teachers – got fired."

"Why?"

Roy shrugged. "Students failing his class, spreading some dirty rumours about Łuka – I can't pronounce his last name – Feliks. He's the theatre teacher, and well respected in the theatre community. The school board had enough of him – the other chemistry teacher, that is – stirring up trouble and fired him, and now we need another chemistry teacher."

Edward narrowed his eyes. "What do you get out of this?" he asked, knowing that Roy rarely did anything if it didn't have something in it for him.

"The school board's desperate, so whoever recruits the new chemistry teacher gets to be head of the science department – if they teach science, that is. Otherwise, it goes to the senior most teacher – which isn't me."

Ed considered it for a few minutes. "…You owe me. And it's only because I need a job."

Roy smiled. "Thank you, Fullmetal. Now, if you four will excuse me, I'm going to go get something to eat."

After Roy walked off, Edward sighed. "What the hell just happened?"

"It looked like Professor Mustang just got you to agree to be the new chemistry teacher," Al observed.

"I think that it's a good idea, Ed," Winry said. "Alfons and I already have jobs, and Al even works part-time."

"But school starts at what time? Eight? And I'd have to be there by seven-thirty. That's an ungodly hour of the morning."

Alfons stifled a laugh, which caused Edward to glare at him. Lucky for Alfons, his phone rang, a Korean song this time, and he checked his caller ID. "It's my brother; I'll be right back."

He got up and exited the restaurant.

"I think it's great that you're going to be working at a school, Ed," Al offered. "It might help you to control your temper."

"ALPHONSE~SAMA~!"

There was a blur of pink, purple, and black as a petite Asian girl glomped Alphonse.

"Hello, Mei," Al greeted with a smile, like he hadn't just been tackled.

A small, round-eared cat ran over, and leaped onto Alphonse's shoulder, purring as she rubbed her head against his.

Mei released Al and looked from him to the cat.

"…Xiao Mei…?"

The cat didn't respond, and Mei's eyes widened. Alphonse, thinking that she was upset, reached a hand out to comfort her, and was therefore shocked when he received another glomp.

"Xiao Mei likes you, Alphonse-sama!"

"I'd noticed," Al replied with a laugh.

"But she never likes other people! She's only ever liked me!" There was an obvious tone of joy in her voice, and Alphonse vaguely wondered what was going on with her.

"Well, I'm glad that she likes me. I love cats."

"It's a panda," Edward argued from the other side of the table. Alphonse, Mei, and (ostensibly) Xiao Mei ignored him.

"You don't understand, Alphonse-sama. She hates people. Do you have any idea what this means?"

Fearing that he might have the wrong answer, Al shook his head no.

"We must be soul mates~!" Mei squealed, squeezing Alphonse tightly.

"U-um… that's… nice, Mei, but I really don't think that…" he trailed off once he realised that Mei was obviously ignoring his words.

-x-x-x-

At a nearby table, Jean Havoc sat with Heymans Breda, Kain Fuery, Valto Falman, Riza Hawkeye, and Roy Mustang.

"You know, I'm not really partial to Chinese food," Jean said. "I prefer French, or if you must, Creole."

Riza rolled her eyes. "Be polite, Jean."

"It's true. I don't like –" He stopped short when he saw a pretty Asian woman nearby. "If you'll excuse me."

Breda waited until Jean was out of earshot until he smirked. "Anyone care for a bet?"

-x-x-x-

"Well, hello there, beautiful."

The woman turned to look at him. She really is gorgeous, he thought, and definitely my type, he added mentally as his eyes wandered up and down her body.

"Do you need anything?" she asked with a slight accent.

"Your number."

The woman rolled her eyes at his cheesy line. "Besides that."

"Well, a date might be nice…"

Within seconds, Ling was at the woman's side, holding a knife that had tomato juice dripping from it. He grinned. "Excuse me, but this is my wife that you're hitting on."

Jean, mistaking the tomato juice for blood and Ling's friendly tone for psychotic, squeaked and ran out of the restaurant.

"What was that all about?" Ling asked.

Lan Fan sighed. "You're holding a knife. Go back to the kitchen."

Ling looked at the knife in his hands and frowned. "Oh. Well he didn't have to run away. Americans are so weird sometimes."

-x-x-x-

"Listen, Eduard… no, no, it's great that you and Wil want to visit – really! But… I don't exactly have that much room."

Alfons could almost hear his brother rolling his eyes. "Really?"

"Really. I have a small spare bed in the study and a couch – that's all that I have."

"What about your bed?"

Alfons sighed. "Listen, I'm fine with you and Wil dating," – that was a lie – "but you're not sleeping in my bed."

"I wasn't suggesting that Wil and I sleep in your bed – I was suggesting that you have three places for people to sleep, so, technically, that's enough room."

"What about work?"

"…You have a point. …But you could always visit us!"

Because that worked out so well last time, Alfons thought. "I have school," he said aloud.

"You can skip school for a week. You're my kleinen Bruder, and I haven't seen you in person in two years. That's not right."

"That's not true," Alfons argued.

"Oh, I'm sorry. We all met up for a weekend in New York City about a year ago. That hardly counts. Do you not want to see me? Is that it?"

Alfons sighed. "No, of course not!" It's just seeing you and Wil together that I can't take.

"Then why can't you come over? You said that your classes don't start for a month. Come and visit next week."

Alfons was about to reply when he was almost knocked over by Jean Havoc running from the restaurant in terror. Figuring that it was better not to ask, he returned his attention to his phone call.

There really wasn't any reason that he couldn't visit his brother and best friend in Munich for a week or so – and he could probably meet up with some old friends from high school, too. But that wasn't it. He'd be staying with Eduard and Wilhelmine… and he didn't think that he could handle a repeat of his previous visit.

"Visit in a week? Do you have any idea how much a flight to Munich would cost right now?"

"You say that like you couldn't afford it."

Eduard had a point, and Alfons was running out of excuses. "Okay… listen. How about I visit you two over Christmas?"

Eduard didn't say anything for a few second, so Alfons assumed that he was considering it.

"Okay, fine. But you're coming over, even if I have to go to America and drag you here myself."

Alfons smiled. "That won't be necessary, Eduard."

"It better not be."

"While I have you on the phone, is there anything that you'd like to tell me?"

"Äh… Oh! Ross hasn't had a girlfriend in months and he proposed to Liesa last week. She turned him down."

That was only to be expected, but Alfons couldn't help but feel bad for Ross. "Is that all?"

"Johan's with Ross's sister, Felicie, which has Ross pretty pissed off."

"…I thought that he was engaged to Liesa's cousin."

"Apparently they broke up, and Liesa verbally assaulted him for it. Wil didn't tell you any of this?"

How to phrase this? "When Wil and I talk, it's usually not about… people."

"It's about that Japanese stuff that you like, isn't it? And physics and engineering? Gott, you two are such nerds."

"…You're one to talk."

Eduard laughed. "Right, whatever. Well, Wil and I are supposed to go out to dinner, so I'll let you go now."

"All right. Tschüs."

"Tschüs, kleinen Bruder," Eduard said.

Alfons ended the phone call. For some reason, talking to Eduard always left him feeling lonely.

-x-x-x-

"You're gonna be a teacher, huh?" Ling asked Edward as he stood by their table, eating food from a frying pan.

"Apparently."

Ling grinned. "That's great! You'll be surrounded by people the same height as you all day!"

Winry and Alphonse both had to hold Edward back, and it was this that Alfons returned to.

"…Are you sure that you should be carrying that around the restaurant?" Alfons asked Ling, motioning to the frying pan.

Ling laughed. "Please, I am a trained professiona– OH MY GOD THE TABLE'S ON FIRE! LAN FAN~! HELP~!"

Lan Fan calmly walked over with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire. Then she turned to Ling and began yelling at him in Chinese.

"Well, uh, I think that it's time for us to go…" Alphonse said, trying to pry Xiao Mei from his shoulder, to no avail. "Mei, could you please…?"

Mei smiled and removed the cat from his shoulder. "Come back soon, Alphonse-sama!"

"Sure, Mei," Al promised as he and Winry dragged a still-raging Edward from the restaurant.

Alfons followed at a safe distance, wondering why he was friends with half of these people.

-x-x-x-

"I win," Roy smirked, "Pay up."

Riza rolled her eyes as Breda and Fuery reached into their pockets and paid Roy their dues.

"Men," she muttered.

Note: Believe it or not, this has been a work in progress for six months, but Italia and I have been getting sidetracked with various plotbunnies and supposed-to-be one-off OCs (Until last night, this chapter was 400 words. It's now 2500). Alfons's ringtone (the Japanese one) is "Shin Ai" by Nana Mizuki, which is a lovely song that we do not own the rights to. Also, yeah. Almost everyone is a bit out of character, mainly for melodrama, and that's intentional. Hopefully it's not too bad.

To note: this is manga-verse. The only ones in anime-verse are the Germans, which, at this point, is really only Alfons. And that's really just because Iggy loves Alfons too much not to include him in almost every fanfiction that she writes for FMA.

From Iggy: I apologise if the German is wrong. I don't speak German aside from a few words, and I refuse to ask the Austrian exchange student who is in my pre-calc class to beta-read my German, mainly because... yeah, I've known him for less than a week. XD

Anyway, we hope that you enjoyed it, and stay tuned for more~!