"If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of then "cool" is just how far we have to fall and I am not immune I only want to be loved but I feel safe behind the firewall can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth I need to confess I'm not alright I'm broken inside, broken inside and all I go through it leads me to you, leads me to you.
Worthless. That was how 7-year-old Kendall Knight felt on the starry evening of August1st, 2001. It had started out as every other day had during this hot, muggy summer. Mrs. Knight dragged the lazy boy out of bed half past noon because he didn't see the point of waking up in the morning when there was no school. He ate his oatmeal, he played with his one-year-old baby sister, he took a shower after much arguing with his mom, and than his mom drove him to his peewee hockey summer daycamp with his three best friends Carlos, James, and Logan. It was just an average day for an average little boy.
Until that night. The fighting had started once again, as soon as Katie was put to bed, as it had every night for the past 2, maybe 3 months. Kendall had lost count and frankly, he did not care. He just wanted the fighting to stop and since that wouldn't happen, he settled on sneaking into the backyard to take a deep breath of the fresh, summer air. It would have been a beautiful night if the circumstances were different, but right now all Kendall could think of was the yelling and all the bad words etched into his brain from his mommy and daddy. They thought they were being discreet enough but no, Kendall knew what was going on.
A quiet, clinging noise broke Kendall of his thoughts, and he turned to see a small brunette boy climbing the chainlink fence into his backyard.
"Hey Kendall- oof!" The boy said, jumping off the fence. He quickly fixed any hairs that may have fallen out of place from the jump and bounded over to his next-door-neighbor and best friend.
"Hey James,' Kendall said, blinking away any tears that threatened to fall. He hoped it was too dark for James to notice the unshed tears shining in his eyes. God, Kendall hated crying. "Whatsup?"
James shrugged. "I saw you just standin' out here and I thought I'd join you in.. Standin'." After a few moments silence, the brunette raised his perfectly groomed eyebrows. "Sooo, why are we standin'?' he asked. Unsure why Kendall would think this was fun.
"I dunno," Kendall said quietly. Lost in his thoughts. None of his friends knew that he was having family problems and that's the way he wanted it.
But James was more perceptive than people gave him credit for. He heard the tiny crack in his best friends voice, he saw the lost, sad expression written in his eyes. Something was wrong.
"Kendall.. Are you ok?" James asked. He didn't want Kendall to be sad, and he wanted to fix it.
"I'm fine," Kendall replied with a toothy grin smile, his voice strong again. "Wanna swing with me?"
James was a little alarmed by Kendalls sudden change in demeanor, but nodded anyway. "Sure." He followed Kendall to his swingset and watched as the blonde boy pushed himself high and hard, the old metal structure groaning in protest. James was about to say something when he heard a loud door slam and a mans voice yell "That's it! I've had it! I am done!"
Kendall dragged his feet on the ground, skidding to a stop so he could look at James with wide, frightened eyes.
"Your daddy sounds mad," James whispered.
"I-I know. Lets go see," Kendall said. He ran to the front of the house, James following, to see his mother begging his father to stay, pulling on his arm feebily. His dad held a suitcase, and he pushed his wife off easily.
"Think of the kids!" Mrs Knight cried, but Mr. Knight just kept walking to his car.
"Daddy!" Kendall screamed. He wasn't quite sure why his mommy was crying and his dad wasn't comforting her.
"Daddy has to leave," Mr. Knight said in a rough, painfilled voice. He loved his children, he did. But he couldn't take it. He wasn't a family man by any mean's, he never wanted children. He didn't love his wife anymore. He couldn't take the stress.
"But why?" Kendall asked, running to his father. "You can't leave."
Mr. Knight screwed his eyes shut and sighed. He was hoping to avoid this. "I have to go now, Kendall. I- I don't want kids. I never wanted kids and I have to go."
Kendall looked like someone had slapped him clear across the face. His green eyes were filled to the brim with confusion and hurt.
"But daddy, I love you!" Kendall wrapped his small arms around the mans waist and clung onto him tightly. Maybe if he showed his dad how much he loved him, he would stay. But Mr Knight refused to hug him back.
"Kendall, let go of me now," the man said, trying to keep his cool. "I'm leaving now."
"No! Daddy, no! Just hold me!"
"Let go!" Mr. Knight bellowed, ripping Kendall off of him and throwing the tiny boy to the ground.
"Hey!" James yelled angry at the sight of Mr. Knight hurting Kendall. He ran to his friends sobbing body and Kendall, James and Mrs. Knight could only watch helplessly as Mr. Knight threw his suitcase into the car and sped off with nothing but an ear-piercing squeal of tires.
"Its ok, don't cry," James said, wrapping an arm around his best friend. He had never seen Kendall cry before and he wanted it to stop. "He'll be back, Kendall."
Kendall only sobbed harder because he knew in his heart of hearts that his father was not coming back. His daddy did not love him anymore.
"Kendall, baby, it's alright," Mrs. Knight said, coming over to hold both boys. "We'll be fine without daddy. I'll take care of us." Kendall cried in his mommy's arms while clutching James for hours and that night he went to bed feeling what no 7-year-old should ever feel: Worthless.
10 years had passed and that was the last time anyone had ever seen Kendall Knight cry. Since that night, the boy bravely stood up to be the man of his family, leader of his friends, and wouldn't dare show weakness because he was strong, nothing could break him. Or so he thought.
Tonight was the anniversary of his father leaving him. His friends looked at him as if he would break into tiny little pieces any minute. James kept staring at him, silently begging for Kendall to let him help him.
But Kendall glued that goofy grin to his face and did what he did best: He pretended. He pretended through school. He pretended through dance rehearsal and vocal lessons, he pretended all through dinner. But that was when he couldn't take anymore. When he was sure all his friends were too busy playing video games to notice, Kendall ran upstairs to the roof and wept in private, ashamed of himself. He wasn't as strong as everyone thought, not at all. Everyday when he looked at his family he was reminded how his father didn't love him. It hurt like a thousand tiny daggers in his heart. But the anniversary was always worse, because he always alienated himself from his family and friends, left alone to stew in his crippling, hate-filled thoughts.
But it wasn't hate towards his dad. No, he still- and always will- loved his daddy. It was hatred towards himself because what kind of horrible child was he to deserve his own father to abandon him and his family? It wasn't Katie's fault, she was an angel. It was all Kendalls fault that Katie grew up fatherless, it was Kendalls fault mommy cried every night for years and it was a hurt- a truth- that he just could not take anymore.
Hours passed on that roof and Kendall continued to weep. It had stopped and started every so often but now it was harsher than ever. He only wanted one thing now. Or person, actually. The one friend that had seen him cry before, who had held him through it all before he pushed away any physical comfort. His best friend, his narcissistic, goofy, sweet, loving, caring best friend: James. The loneliness was beginning to be too much to bear and in-between sobs he let the sweet name escape his lips, bringing him a miniscule amount of comfort. "James…"
Burn away my pride, bring me to my weakness til everything I hide behind is gone and when I'm open wide with nothing left to cling to only you are there to lead me on cause honestly I'm not that strong. I'm not alright I'm broken inside, broken inside and all I go through leads me to you."
"Oh, Kendall.." A soft voice interrupts the sobbing heard on the rooftop. James' heart breaks when he sees those scared, sad green eyes beneath tear-soaked strands of blonde hair, and it breaks even more when he hears those 3 little words he's been waiting to hear.
"I'm not alright," Kendall rasped out, voice harsh from crying. His eyes hurt, his nose is stuffed, he knows he probably looks like shit but he doesn't care. All he wants is to be held, to know he is loved, and that's what James gives him. He wraps his arms around Kendalls frail, shaking frame and holds him tightly, murmuring words of comfort in his ear and running slender fingers through his dirty-blonde hair.
And I'll move closer to you, I'll move closer to you, I'm not alright Im broken inside, broken inside and all I go through leads me to you Im not alright and that's why I need you.