Sam crossed his arms over his chest and frowned as Dean dragged what looked like a man-sized Venus flytrap into the bunker. "What the hell, dude? You were supposed to pick up hemlock."
"I got the hemlock, geez." Dean patted his jacket pocket.
"Then what the hell is this thing?"
"A man-eating plant," Dean said proudly. He wedged the pot into an alcove and stood back to inspect it. "Perfect."
"Absolutely not," Sam said firmly. "We don't need a man-eating plant."
"Sure we do. You're always whining about wanting more green shit. So here you go, bitch."
"Goddamnit, Dean, I was talking about-" Sam squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath to reign in his temper. "Bringing a little color to the place isn't a bad idea. But you couldn't have gotten a marigold or something? It had to be a fucking man-eating plant?"
"We could use it for protection," Dean suggested. "It could eat anybody that tries to break in."
"We don't need protection!" Sam threw up his hands and gestured around him. "We're in a goddamn bunker, Dean. It's as secure as it gets. The only people that thing is going to eat will be us. Get rid of it."
"Hell no. Roseblood is staying right here."
Sam groaned. "That's the stupidest name I've ever heard."
"It is not."
"Yes, it is." Sam shook his head. "We're talking about a man-eating plant, Dean. It's going to eat you if you piss it off and you decided to go with a pun name."
"What would you name it then, genius? Something boring probably. Trust me, Sam. Everyone, man-eating plan included, prefers my idea to yours."
"Maybe we should ask your boyfriend how he feels about this," Sam said with a sly smile.
"Cas doesn't count. He's a-" Dean grimaced. "Aw, damnit."
Sam grinned. "I knew it."
He had long suspected his brother and his angel had a closer relationship than they let on, but he couldn't believe how easy it was to get Dean to admit it.
Dean huffed. "You don't know a damn thing, Sam."
"Oh really? So if I call Castiel in here right now, he's not going to tell me all about your wild sex life?"
Because if there was any sex involved, Castiel would tell him all about it. Sam was sure of that. After all the years they had spent teaching the angel about human customs, he still tended to be painfully naive, saying exactly what was on his mind no matter how inappropriate it was.
Sam closed his eyes and over Dean's loud protests, prayed for Castiel.
With the familiar fluttering sound, Castiel appeared in front of them.
"Hello, Dean. Hello, Sam." Castiel cocked his head to one side. "And Roseblood."
"Ha!" Dean said triumphantly. "See, Sam? It can't be a stupid name if Cas approves."
"Wait," Sam said. "How'd you know Dean picked that name?" He knew the two of them had their profound bond, but this was ridiculous.
"Dean didn't pick it," Cas said. "It's his actual name."
Dean's smile faded. "How the hell did I figure that out?"
"Roseblood put the idea in your mind. Same with the thought of bringing him home with you. If you think about it, you might realize you have no real reason for purchasing a man-eating plant. Yet you felt compelled to do so."
Dean's face went white. "Oh shit."
"I take it you've dealt with this creature before?" Sam asked. He eyed the plant warily as it swayed in its pot. "How do we kill it?"
"That may not be necessary," Castiel said, lifting a placating hand as the plant's maw snapped aggressively. "Roseblood is an exceptionally lazy member of his species. He's mostly harmless."
The plant let out a shriek like a pterodactyl.
"Don't argue with me," Cas said sternly. "Your kin hunt in the wilds, luring in their prey. You probed Dean's mind, discovered he was a hunter, and decided he would do the hunting for you."
"How the hell is that harmless?" Dean demanded. "He's reading my mind and making me do shit. Am I going to wake up in the middle of the night with the urge to feed Sam to the thing?"
"He's not that powerful," Castiel assured them. "And although he has eaten the occasional human, he much prefers monsters. To Roseblood, humans are like a plain hamburger. A perfectly acceptable meal, but a little lackluster. Monsters, on the other hand, are like burgers with bacon, lettuce, tomato, cheese, and barbecue sauce."
"God, that sounds fucking bomb," Dean murmured.
"Dean," Sam hissed.
"What? I'm hungry. A burger would be amazing right about now."
"Are you sure you're really hungry? Maybe the plant's just trying to fatten you up for dinner."
"Fuck you, bitch," Dean snapped. "It's all me." But Sam caught the nervous sidelong look he gave the angel.
"These humans are under my protection," Cas said firmly. "If you even attempt to eat either of them, I will know. And I will ensure you a long, slow death of starvation."
The plant recoiled and whined piteously.
"I'm sure it won't come to that," Castiel said. "The Winchesters hunt often enough that you should have no shortage of monsters to consume."
"Oh hell no," Dean protested. "I ain't bringing bodies back. You know how hard it is to get blood out of Baby's upholstery?"
Sam rolled his eyes. "There's this fantastic invention called the tarp, Dean."
"Shut up, bitch. I'm not doing it."
Castiel frowned. "You purchased him, Dean. That makes you responsible for his care just like any other pet."
"He's not a pet. He's a goddamn monster," Dean argued. "You said it yourself. He made me buy him. That means it's not my fucking problem. Just dump him in a forest somewhere and make him hunt for himself like the rest of his kind."
The plant snapped his mouth shut and hissed through his thorny teeth.
"Oh, yes," Castiel said dryly. "He cares very much what his angel boyfriend thinks."
Dean's jaw dropped and he turned a very interesting shade of red. "Cas," he whined.
Sam snickered. "I knew it."
"It shouldn't be asking too much of you to feed him a limb every other month. And in return, you should be able to harvest some of his sap. It's a useful ingredient for spells."
Sam couldn't recall any spells using the sap of a man-eating plant at the moment, but he'd be happy to do some research later. There was no telling when a new spell could come in handy.
The plant let out another pterodactyl screech, clearly displeased with the idea.
"The Winchesters don't have to let you live. Sharing some of your sap is really the least you can do for them."
The plant slumped down into his pot.
"Good," Castiel said. "This should be a beneficial relationship for all of us."
"Not for me," Dean insisted. "In case you've forgotten, I'm still under some kind of low-grade mind control."
"I haven't forgotten." Cas tugged Dean closer and pressed his lips to Dean's forehead. "You may feel restlessness and a strong urge to go hunting when the plant needs to be fed. But other than that, you should feel no ill effects. My grace will protect you."
Dean's face was pink and he was sporting a silly smile when he stepped back. "If you say so, Cas," he murmured. "I trust you."
Cas frowned and tilted his head to one side. "Excuse me. I think there's something that requires my attention." And then he was gone.
"So, angel boyfriend," Sam said with an eyebrow waggle.
"Shut up, bitch," Dean growled. "And you!" He pointed at the plant. "Not a peep out of you." He stalked off towards the kitchen, grumbling under his breath about burgers.
The plant shook with what could have been silent laughter. Sam felt like laughing himself. His plan had worked out even better than expected. And now everything was out in the open, which meant no more sexual tension, no more dancing around, no more awkwardness. His brother and the angel were the two most unsubtle beings Sam had ever met so he couldn't fathom why they had tried to be secretive.
Eventually it would stop being hilarious and he could have a supportive, brotherly conversation with Dean. But it would take a couple hours of research to get there.
The plant was settled in his pot, still and quiet like a normal, everyday plant. Sam trusted that Castiel's threats would keep him in line. But he still gave him a wide berth as he headed towards the library.
Just in case.