Save Me
"My wrongs were all on those I should have cherished –
But my embrace was fatal" - Lord Byron
How did he end up like this? Or better, how did they end up like this?
Reid moved his head to the side, looked at the man who he was supposed to call 'boss' and who was now slowly falling asleep. Taking a deep breath he stood up from the bed, his legs trembling. His body bruised, his mind dozed.
"What the hell is wrong with me?", he whispered into the dark that was only now and then lightened by the lights of a passing car. So silent.
The case they were working on had ended bad, really bad. After they had finally found out who the UnSub was the man shot himself, his daughter and his wife before they could catch him.
The red, dark river flowing over withered flowers next to them. A lover's present?
Indeed it was this image that settled in Reid's mind. The deflowered flowers – what a wordplay, he thought with not just a bit of cynicism.
His feet took him a few steps forward to the window. He drew back the curtains and gazed outside. The lonely street without street lamps.
So, back to the question. How did they end up like this?
When they came back to the hotel, because the whole team was too exhausted to fly then, all the young doctor wanted was to sleep. To forget. Wipe away this image of the dead, painted flowers. He knew he would never forget it, thanks to his eidetic memory.
"What is it?", he heard Hotch murmur. His soft, deep voice was somehow soothing.
"It's nothing."
"Reid."
"Just … The flowers … I wonder where they are from. They looked like a present that was kept and taken care of."
"You mean like a lover's present?"
"Yeah."
Hotch closed the door behind them, then looked at him. They all had to take one room for two persons and right now Reid was glad not to be alone with his thoughts.
"Yeah", he repeated, "like a lover's present. What do you think? Did the UnSub give it to his wife?" His wife who he shot yesterday. Along with his child.
Hotch was silent but still looked at him. Behind his serious calmness Reid could sense something else, something … someone who was just as vulnerable as he was. Someone who did not understand why there were so many destructive powers in their world.
"Do you think he loved her? And his child? Mary was only 7 years old …" His voice broke. He turned away, hiding his face. Suddenly he felt a warm hand on his shoulder.
"Spencer … "
He shivered.
"You know we sometimes can't help them. It's not our fault."
"I- I know", he whispered.
"Come on, let's have a drink before we go to sleep."
There was something in Hotch's voice that helped him to force the image of the flowers back into the darkest corners of his mind. Not erase it, but at least pushing it away for a while.
" I know it's hard for all of us, but I just– "
"It's okay, Spencer."
Again he shivered as Hotch called him Spencer. It felt so intimate, so comforting. They looked at each other – and then it happened.
Reid did not know how nor why, but it just did. Then his arms were around Hotch's neck, his body against his and still they stared at one another.
"Kiss me", Hotch moaned, Reid watching Hotch's control perish while his own seemed long gone.
Their lips met, Hotch's tongue pushing against his lips. He hold him as if he was able to save him.
And for a moment Reid wanted to believe that: that they could save each other.
He realized that Hotch too was weak and scared. Both of them desperately needing comfort, something to cling on to. They all needed it.
And here they were, kissing each other, while Reid felt the tears coming he had fought back since last evening. Their kiss was interrupted by sobs and moans.
What was he doing here? What the hell was Hotch doing? But neither of them stopped.
Their bodies so close to each other and somewhere deep, deep down he panicked. But the moment they could have stopped had already passed by and Reid just closed his eyes. Let himself fall. Into Aaron Hotchner's arms who wrapped around him tightly. He felt his hard, rough body. He felt his fast breath against his skin as Hotch pushed him to the bed. His eyes! Never had Reid seen this look in his eyes. Glowing passion, a dark sparkle and the mirror of his own thoughts: 'Make me forget!'
"Kiss me!" Now it was his time to say these words and it felt strange. As if he was in a movie, watching this scene, but not being in it. Hotch obeyed and kissed him, passionately, violently, while his rough hands stroke over his body.
Yes, touch me, he thought and pulled him closer so that Hotch was now over him.
Oh God, I'm doing this with my boss, but somehow it did not reach him, was unnecessary to him.
"Help me", he heared Hotch's soft voice as he begun to undress himself. Reid undid his tie, his hands working just on their own. Kisses again, then he felt bare skin underneath his fingertips. Hotch pushed him away, he could see his mouth slightly open and again this dark sparkle in his eyes. He undressed Reid in seconds, at least it seemed very short to him. But when both of them were naked, time stopped. They breathed heavily and looked at each other, knowing what was to come, fearing and desiring it at the same time.
"Be– be careful", Reid whispered. Hotch leaned over to him and kissed him tenderly.
Nothing he had ever read had prepared him for this. But somehow it went its own way.
"I'll be gentle." His voice made him shiver again, it was this familiar voice but with a seducing darkness in it.
His hands touching him, he could not look at it, but laid his head back on the pillow, breathing faster, beginning to moan. Hotch's lips on his neck, his hot tongue and his hips rubbing against his own.
How did this happen?
"This is gonna hurt", Hotch said and Reid closed his eyes, preparing for the pain. Then it came.
Hotch pushed only with two fingers into him, yet it hurt and Reid did not want to think about anything more.
"Relax, Spencer."
He tried to, failed, tried again. Time passed, but then the pain slowly faded, making place for something different.
Another finger, moving inside of him, making him moan softly.
"You think you're ready?" He opened his eyes and looked into Hotch's. They were full of lust, yet it was still Hotch. The man he would trust with his life. He nodded.
Hotch pulled back his fingers, then Reid heard him open a condom and while he still wondered whether Hotch always had some with him – he suddenly felt pain. Like something would tear his body apart, tear it open. He gasped and pressed a hand on his mouth not to scream. Sweet lips on his, then the pain increased. His fingernails scratching over Hotch's back, leaving red marks. He heard the older man moan while he still hold back the scream that tried to run over his lips.
Ah, go away, go away, he begged, enduring the pain, trying to remember if he read anything about this kind of topic. He was distracted by Hotch's hand touching him.
"Look at me."
Reid slowly opened his eyes, still dozed by the pain yet feeling the lust return to his limbs.
He bit his lip when Hotch pulled back and then pushed into him.
"Aaah", he moaned louder than he thought he would. Hotch entwined their fingers, looking at him, beginning to move inside of him.
So this is it, Reid thought with a strange impact of sobriety. He was having sex with a man, more precisely with his boss – and he did not feel bad. Not at all.
His fingers glided to Hotch's shoulders, grabbing him there, groaning.
"Please, Hotch, slowly", he moaned.
"Whatever you want", Hotch replied, moving carefully and slowly. As Reid looked up to him he felt again that he could trust this man. They kissed and Hotch stroke over his cheeks, his fingers wandering lower.
"Don't be afraid", he whispered as their lips separated. Hotch grabbed his leg, wrapping it around his hip and pushed deeper. Still very slowly.
Reid felt pleasure taking control over his body, the wet heat between their kisses, skin against skin. He wanted more of this, so he wrapped his other leg around Hotch's hip, too, clinging closer to him.
Time seemed to collapse, leaving them behind in a place created only for them. Letting himself fall, just letting go of all his thoughts and concentrating on his body. It felt so good.
He lost himself in the pleasure and the pain that Hotch's body gave him and he begun to understand why things like these happened. Because they made them forget.
When he came it was an explosion of ecstasy, his moaning mixing with Hotch's and for a moment there was only silence and happiness. Reality came back to him but the waves of pleasure still rolled over him, letting him breathe heavily.
"Reid … Spencer …", he heard Hotch's voice, he opened his eyes and looked up to the smiling man. He leaned down to him and kissed him tenderly. Hotch's lips tasting salty and delicious.
"Don't leave me", Reid whispered and Hotch did as he commanded, stayed inside of him. His heartbeat slowed down but his lust came back. So he pulled Hotch closer, wrapping his legs tighter around his hips. The sound of Hotch's soft moaning made him shiver.
The night was not over yet.
Reid was looking outside the window and wondering about this side of himself he had just discovered. This side that was self-confident, even if he had always disliked his body. Now he had suddenly known what to do, how to act. Though behind all that fear had been lurking, Hotch had not given him any reason to be afraid. Not until now.
"Spencer", he had said with his deep, soft voice, "Spencer this needs to stay between us. And this won't happen ever again."
Reid opened the window, feeling the cold air on his bare skin. But inside him there was a chill far beyond feeling it with his senses. Suddenly he knew that he knew very less of Aaron Hotchner.
And something else he knew: that he would not be able to forget what happened between them. That he would lay awake in the middle of the night, craving for his embrace, for his voice, his breath, his body. He had never known that kind of comfort, but now as he did he would miss it dreadfully. What had been enough would become too less.
He turned around, went back to the bed and laid down next to Hotch.
"Please embrace me", he whispered, but Hotch was already asleep. Reid bit his lip and pulled the other blanked to him. For a while he watched Hotch and again he wanted to believe that he could save him.