Another nightmare. Dark hands encircling me, pulling me into a somehow even darker abyss. The faces of those I failed, contorting to scream harsh, unforgiving words to me. You're fault. Mistake. Killer. No one loves you. Monster. Why haven't you fixed us yet? Another hazy image shortly coming to focus. Chestnut hair, a warm smile. My savior. I reach out to grab their hand. My fingers wrap around their wrist, holding onto my last piece of sanity. She warps. No. No! This isn't fair! She wouldn't hurt me like this. She promised she wouldn't. She promised!
Ed. A sob breaks from my throat. Why didn't you help me. The warm light became darkness in a humanoid shape, broken on the ground, surrounded by blood. It smiled menacingly, allowing a grotesque laugh to pass between it's rotting teeth. You killed me a second time. It reached out to touch my face, stopping before it made contact. Are you proud of yourself, my beloved son? The thing looked up at my hand, still grasping it's wrist. It's eyes met mine, and it's arm started crumbling to dust. No. No Ed. Edward! Why do you still torture me? Three times. Three times you've killed me now! You murderer! Save me. Save me this one time. Don't let me- It crumbled to the dust from which I formed it. I bite my lip, trying to stop the sobs from escaping my mouth. Every word it said was right. I killed it. I killed her. Her blood was on my hands. I failed to save her. I'm sorry mom sorry sorry. I couldn't do anything. I am so sorry. I fall to my knees. My fault. All my fault. A wet nose nuzzled my hand.
My tear filled eyes met with the lonely gaze of a dog. No, not a dog. A chimera, Nina and Alexander. I failed them too. I let Scar kill them. I wasn't there to stop him. Why wasn't I there? I should've- Big brother. I can't breathe. I don't have the strength to do this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I tried. Please don't hate me. I'm sorry. Big brother. Why did you let him kill me? Why didn't you stop him? Do you hate me that much,... big brother? No! No, I don't hate you! I could never hate you! I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I tried, I tried so hard. I wanted to save you. I want to save you. My hands came together of their own volition but there was nothing. No alchemic spark. I thought you were going to save me with that alchemy. You know, alchemy is what made me like this. You're the same. You use the same power that turned me into a monster; you won't even use that power to save me. No! This isn't happening. I'm trying. Nina please. Please don't hate me. She and Alexander's combined body turned from me. You should have been the one to die. Her form retreated, leaving only the deep pit of regret and guilt inside me. There was no time to recover before armored steps echoed behind me.
No! I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to recover. I wouldn't be able to survive if he hated me too. He was the only one I had left. What would I do without him. He's the only reason I'm still alive. Al, my little brother, why would you hurt me like this? Why are you doing this? What did I do to-? He hates me. The realization suddenly dawned on me. You hate me for putting you in that suit of armor. I took away your body. I deserve your hatred. I should be the one in the armor. I took away your ability to feel, to live. I'm sorry. I know it should be me in the armor. My soul in the chimera. My body deceased from the sickness that robbed mom of her strength. I'm sorry. I know it's all my fault. Please don't hate me Al. I won't be able to come back from that. It will hurt to much. Please, no. No! Al, No! Please don't hate me. I'm sorry, so sorry. I looked down at my hands covered in the blood of so many innocent people. I caused it. I caused all this pain. I'll cause more pain if I keep on living. Kill me. You can...kill me. It's okay. I don't deserve to live as your brother. I'm not worthy of you. Just do it. End the suffering I force on all the people who know me. Just end all of it. Please Al. I can't do this anymore. A dark, cynical laugh echoes in my ears.
Oh brother, you're finally realizing the truth. What you did to all those people; what you did to me. Now you finally know how many people you've failed. Don't you feel better now that you're not so ignorant. After all, it's your fault I'm stuck in this armor. It's time you paid for your sins. No, this couldn't be Al. He would never say such mean things. He was nice and caring. He didn't have a mean bone in his body. This couldn't be him. It just couldn't. It's your fault. Why haven't you fixed me yet? You don't care about me. That's what it is, isn't it!?
No, No! That wasn't it at all. Al, I do care. I care so much. I promised I'm going to get your body back. Just wait a little longer. Just a little! Al started walking away, but he stopped to look back at me. I hate you. You're not my brother. My breath came in short gasps; my body trembled in fear. He hates me, he said so himself. He was leaving me. What have I done? I'm such a horrible person. He's right to hate me, so is everyone else. I don't deserve any love. I only need to rot in the deepest pits of Hell. No one should be around a hideous creature like me. I need to die; then no one else will suffer. The world would be a better place without me in it.
I start scratching at my arms, drawing blood. Brother. I scratch again, using more force. Drawing more blood. This is what I deserved. I was a monster, and monsters needed to be exterminated no matter what. Brother! I rolled my eyes. Even now, my brain was trying to pretend Al was still here. How stupid. He hated me. I would never see him again. I'm the reason he's sad all the time. Brother please! Please, wake up! He was begging now. That's not right. I should be the one begging him. He should have the world. You need to wake up please. Brother, you're hurting yourself. If you don't get up right now, I swear to god I'll get Mustang over here! Yeah Al, I know you want me to get up, but why should I. Even that pompous bastard Mustang would be better off without me. How much do I irritate him everyday anyways? He'd be glad if I was gone. He doesn't really want me coming back. No one does. A harsh jostling broke me out of my thoughts. What a waste. More time that could've been spent on something more important. Who in the would would want me up so much anyways. So annoying.
Fullmetal. That sounded like the colonel bastard. What did he want. The jerk acts like he owns me. Fullmetal get up right now. That's an order. Stupid jerk, I'm not getting up, I don't need to poison anymore of the world. Where does he get off, ordering me around while I'm dreaming any-...dreaming? Was I dreaming? It doesn't seem like it, but maybe. If I was dreaming, does that mean they don't hate me? No, that's wrong. Alive, dead, real, fake, they all still hate me. It didn't make a difference. Fullmetal I swear to god, I'll court-martial you! Court-martial. No! I need the money. I needed to get Al's body back even if he didn't go with me while I searched. I can't get kicked out of the military before I get his body back. I could never abandon Al like that. I can't leave my little brother alone.
I felt my eyes open, burning my retinas with the brightness. Though blurry, I could see the fuzzy outline of Al and Mustang standing over me. They both looked concerned, but relieved to see me up. What a waste, they didn't need to waste their concern on me. I didn't need it. It was now I realized that my arms were restrained to my side. They throbbed like I had just worked out for hours or I had just gotten hurt.
I glared at Mustang, ready to yell at him. What in the hell did he want, holding me down like this? Stupid, pompous, bastard. I opened my mouth to yell at him, but he beat me to the punch.
"What the hell was that, Fullmetal!" Mustang looks pissed. I'm having trouble just meeting his eyes with the expression he showed. I don't want to answer him; he's going to be angry at me, and I don't need to tell him anything anyways. It's not any of his business. I avert my gaze from him, trying to ignore him.
"You were sweating, crying, and just scratching at your damn arm in your sleep! Alphonse had to call me cause you wouldn't wake up! Now tell me what the hell you were dreaming about so I can figure out how to help you!" I bite my lip and try not to show my anxiety. Help me, as if. He doesn't want to help me. If he knew, he'd hate me. God, I hated this. Why'd I have to go and make that mistake anyways? Everyone around me was getting dragged into it too. Fuck, my eyes are tearing up. Dammit! Even if it was an act, Mustang being this nice made me feel warm, almost like when mom would take care of me. Mustang released my arms and helped me sit up, thankfully not mentioning my wet eyes or the few tears that managed to escape.
He grabbed my hand and offered me a worried gaze. "Fullme- Edward, please tell me what's wrong." His tone was soft; it made my chest twist and hurt in a way that made me feel guilty. I can't tell him. My gaze flickered toward Al. Even though he was in armor, I could still tell he was worried. His red eyes met mine, but I couldn't keep looking. He'd definitely hate me if he knew what was going on in my mind. There was no way I could tell him and still have a brother afterwards.
Mustang gestured to Al to leave the room. He looked like he wanted to argue, but left without saying anything. He took one last glance at me, and the door shut softly behind him. When the door closed, Mustang turned towards me. He looked caring, but resolute in getting answers out of me.
"Alright Ed, Alphonse is gone, tell me what happened while I bandage your arm." My brows furrowed in confusion. My arm? What happened to it? I don't remember hurting it. I looked down. It was bleeding. It didn't look very good, but the cuts were already starting to scab over. I don't get why Mustang feels the need to fix me. It probably wouldn't do any good to argue with him right now, I'd lose.
As he wrapped white bandages around my arm after cleaning it, he looked up at me expectantly. I swallow loudly. I really don't want to tell him, but it doesn't seem like I can get out of this. I sigh. This is going to suck.
"My mistakes; the people I couldn't save. That's what the nightmare was about." I know that's not enough to satisfy him, but I can't tell him the entire thing. I don't need him to think that I'm weaker than he's already seen. I can't afford to be weak. Not when I need to get Al's body back to him as soon as possible.
Mustang sighed. This isn't going to end well. I could already tell. "I need all the details Fullmetal. I have to know what happened entirely in this nightmare." He sounded annoyed. Yeah, he was definitely annoyed. He was only doing this out of some sense of duty. He's just obligated since I'm his subordinate. I won't cave. Not for someone who doesn't really care. I'm not so weak that I need pity from someone in charge of me.
"Edward, please just tell me. I need to know." I ripped my arm from his grip and turned away from him. I will not cave. I can't. I'm going to be strong...for Al. I have to be strong so he can have at least some semblance of childhood innocence left. I want to preserve at least some of it. My body was starting to shake; I could feel the nausea rising up from my stomach, making it hard to breath. Was my heart supposed to beat this fast? I don't know. Mustang was calling me but he seemed so far away and garbled as if he were underwater.
"Fullmetal get a hold of yourself! You will tell me what's going on. God Dammit! Don't make my job harder than it needs to be!" The world went quiet. White noise rang in my ears. It felt like all my senses turned off. I just stared, I couldn't register anything. He was right. I was making his job harder. I'm a burden. I'm burdening him with my problems, with my mistakes. What was wrong with me? I'm such a horrible person. God, I don't deserve to be near him, near anybody. I bury my face in my hands. I should just leave. Yeah, I would do that. Then I couldn't be a burden. I stood up. I didn't bother answering Mustang. He should be glad I was leaving. My hand touched the doorknob and my heart felt like it was cracking. I need to say something, anything. At the very least, I need to say goodbye. A drop of water hit my wrist.
Oh, I was crying. I didn't even realize. I'm not going to bother trying to stop. This is the last time he's going to see my anyways. It doesn't matter if he sees my weak side now. "Goodbye, I'm sorry I was such a burden on you." I started sobbing, I can't hold anything in anymore. Everything hurts but I still run out the military dorm. I run past Al, I run from Mustang, I run from all of it. Just like I ran from Resembool after our mistake.