Never Sacrifice a Whore
Chapter 1: No Blood?
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Nintendo or anything else.
A/N: Okay, this is sort of inspired by those hilarious Mario Frustration videos on Youtube, as well as watching walkthroughs for Super Mario Bros 3.
WARNING: Mention of Shounen Ai/ Yaoi but nothing shown. Oh yeah, and Crude Language and Violence. When the main character is Hidan, it should be obvious, right?
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
It was a typical Sunday morning. Kisame was off to church to pray to Jesus to heal Itachi's eyes. Kakuzu was at the mall, hunting down bargains and force feeding cashiers coupons. Tobi and Zetsu were playing outside in the sprinkler. Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein and Pein were doing paper work with Konan. Deidara was blowing up empty Pledge cans in the driveway (and sometimes in the lawn, where Zetsu and Tobi were playing). Sasori was off at a doll convention in Iwagakure. Itachi was at Dunkin Donuts, asking for directions to Konoha so he could visit his foolish little brother.
And that left just one person. Hidan. Where was the Jashinist? In his sacrificial chamber of course. He was just finishing carving up his latest virgin, who happened to be Mizuki. Kakuzu had brought him home during his last trip to the grocery store, as a gift for their anniversary. They'd been "in fuck" for three years now, and Kakuzu had been thoughtful enough to pick a virgin up for his favorite fuck buddy.
But Kakuzu was a cheap bastard, and in fact, the 'virgin' he'd bought from someone selling prisoners to cults on the black market was not really a virgin at all. The old man had no problem, thinking that it really didn't matter if the sacrificial victim was really a virgin or not. Hidan, however, knew that it was important that only virgin blood be used, though he didn't know what would happen. He soon found out. As soon as the sacrifice was over, and the last of Mizuki's blood dribbled onto the floor, all of the lights in the house burned bright, and then the bulbs exploded.
Hidan sat up abruptly and looked around. He'd never seen this before…
"Oh, fuck!" Hidan said when the circle of blood he sat in was engulfed in a shaft of light, and the priest was teleported into a new dimension. Hidan seemed to go into a trance. When he came to, he was standing in a strange digital world, where everything was made up of squares. A short, squatty brown thing with a unibrow and snaggle teeth shuffled up to Hidan and banged into his leg. Hidan leaped into the air, landing on a green pipe.
"What the fuck is this shit?"
A sudden memory of Tobi and Deidara playing a particular video game flashed in his head, and he uttered "Goomba?"
Indeed, there was a Goomba shuffling around on the ground, stuck between a block and a green pipe. Hidan hopped off of the pipe and stomped on the little brown mushroom-like thing. It flattened out, and disappeared. Hidan blinked.
"No blood? What the hell kind of faggot ass game is this?"
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Will Hidan ever get out of Mario Land? Stay tuned to find out!