"Sir, we're just snatching a scary book of mass destruction from a little girl in a wheelchair. Are you really sure we need all this firepower?" the rookie Marine asked apprehensively. His captain looked at him as if he asked to play a pop-up target. "Look here Marine. Intel suggests that a WMD that masquerades as a book has fallen into the hands of an orphan named Hayate Yamagi. We don't know what goddamned horror shows might pop out from it." The lieutenant still was not convinced. "But Captain, can we tell the tanks to back off?" To prove his point, a company of M1 Abrams sat idling, guns ready. "Lieutenant, we need to be prepared for anything." "Well sir, I hope you can tell the helos to wave off a little bit." A full squadron of UH-1Y Venoms and AH-1Z Vipers from HMLA-776 flew overhead. "Lieutenant, when the shit hits the fan, you want the helos on hand." "And what's with all this firepower?" the lieutenant gestured to his platoon, loaded with weaponry ranging from their SCAR rifles to X-43 Mikes ready for action. "Lieutenant, we need to either douse somebody with electric bolts..." The captain hefted a K-Volt to prove his point. "Put a hole in them…" He slung a M2014 gauss rifle.. "Or just spray it with lead." With that, he handed the lieutenant a Hammer pistol. "Well sir, it's not like we're going to get jumped by a loli with a hammer or something." The captain laughed at his subordinate's jinx. "This is the 5th Marine Division. We have a nasty tendency to get jumped by lolis every uh… week or so." With that, the lieutenant cradled his SCAR rifle. "Whatever you say."
Two hours later
"Call in the F-16s from Misawa. Vector in some bugs from the George Washington. In fact, call every plane in range to bomb this block to kingdom come!" the captain screamed. His radioman frantically scrambled to enter in the proper channels. "Captain, we might piss off the Japanese..." "We're getting the shit kicked outta us. We'll bomb first, and explain it later. Now get me those planes!" The (previously) apprehensive lieutenant dashed to his captain. "Hey, we did get hit by a loli with a hammer!" Sure enough, the whole battalion was scrambling out of wrecked Humvees and trucks and struggled to find cover while the tanks did their best to cover everyone. "Lieutenant, it would be best to use Swarmer missiles now!" Blank stare. "You never brought the Swarmers, did you?" "What would happen if I said I left them in the Humvees?" And of course, said Humvees were now in the crossfire between the Marines and the magical kids. The captain glared at his errant subordinate. "Lieutenant, now would be a good time to hide under a rock. Because if those kids or friendly fire doesn't get you, I'll get the First Sergeant to wring out your neck!"
End