A Lack of Color
(Dominos)
by BlackRaven23
This is fact not fiction
For the first time in years
And all the girls in every girlie magazine
Can't make me feel any less alone
I'm reaching for the phone
To call at 7:03 and on your machine I slur a plea for you to come home
ButI know it's too late
I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay
-A Lack of Color- Death Cab for Cutie
Clink. Clink. Clink.
Naruto dragged a tanned finger across the stolen sake bottles lining his windowsill, making them crash into each other. He liked the sound of the glass touching, clinking, before separating again as he moved his finger across their cool surfaces, making the bottle clash into the next one, again and again. Like dominos, Naruto mused, like dominos they will fall. Touch one, and down you go.
His eyes were hazy and in his other hand he clutched an almost-empty shochu bottle—stolen hastily during the night by one of his kage bunshins. Of course, knowing that he shouldn't do this, it was wrong, didn't mean a thing to him. He had been stealing his entire life just to survive; just one more bottle of sake wouldn't matter, would it? It wouldn't cost him his ticket to the Spirit World; he was far too horrible to have ever had any chance of going to a place of beauty, anyways. That wasn't even mentioning the sins the stupid fox had committed.
Tears dripped lazily from his half-lidded eyes, pooling at his chin to softly plop into his lap occasionally. Naruto ignored their presence as he tipped his head back and emptied the contents of the shochu bottle into his mouth. Swallowing, he hiccupped and briefly closed his eyes, focusing on the sense of relief when the poison had disappeared down his throat. It burned, yes, and it tasted horrible, but what could he do?
Nothing. And that was what he had done.
Dammit, he thought, leaning forward and clenching his fists, shoulders shaking as he tried to ignore the thoughts that bombarded his alcohol-laced brain. I will not think of this, Naruto reiterated, over and over to himself. I will not succumb to this again. He is gone, and there is nothing I can do about it.
Yet, the thoughts still bothered him, appearing every time he shoved them away. They were amazingly clear thoughts for such a muddled brain as his was. Their lucidity scared him somewhat; how could he think so clearly when all of the memories—all of the good ones anyway—were so fuzzy? How was that fair?
Nothing was fair.
A guttural noise escaped his lips as he resisted throwing something, muscles taut and face set in a grim expression. Nails dug into skin as he hunched over, tears dropping from his closed blue eyes. Nothing, nothing, he thought. I did nothing.
And before he knew any better, he had thrown the empty shochu bottle straight through the window, making sake bottles clatter to the floor, strewing alcohol over his white carpet. Naruto watched the scene as though detached, in slow motion. He saw himself leap up, face furious and teeth bared as his arm had reared backwards, and then flung the bottle forward. The bottles clinked against each other, before the green shochu bottle broke through the little line of soldier sake, shattering the panel of his window. He saw the bottles begin to descend, slowly at first, then crashing to the floor like a long line of dominos.
Like dominos they will fall. Touch one, and down you go.
And then he was back in himself, arms hanging limply at his side, jaw tight, the rest of his body tense and ready. For what, he couldn't imagine. Slowly, his body relaxed, and he felt so tired; he just wanted to sleep forever.
His knees weakened, and he fell forward, body hitting the futon hard. But he didn't care, merely moved his face out of the way and closed his eyes. Soon, Naruto was fast asleep, in a place where there were no dreams, and no nightmares.
His last thought was: Why couldn't I do anything? I let it all fall apart, just like dominos.
When Naruto awoke, it was dusk, almost dark again, and he wondered where the day had gone. He hated the darkness, yet lived in it almost constantly since he had failed. Failed at being a shinobi, failed at being strong, and yet, most of all, failed at being a friend.
He had failed his dream.
Naruto turned his head away from the dim light still emanating from the broken window, closing his eyes against the mosaic of green, blue, and purple light shining through the remaining sake and shochu bottles. There was too much color here. All he wanted was to live in black and white from now on. Maybe then he could see who was evil and who was good, without the confusion of the troublesome grays and stupid Technicolor. It was that color that messed everything up, made him confuse good with evil.
Why didn't he see the mistake to become his friend in the first place?
At least, now, the nights cut out the colors, while the alcohol made everything left over fuzzy and incomprehensible. Naruto wasn't entirely sure why the Kyuubi hadn't purged his body of the alcohol; maybe the fox thought that once his guard was down, he could take over the body? Whatever it was, he didn't really care.
Fine, fox, he thought, take over the body. Tear apart the city, the country. Kill a million people, kill my friends; kill me, for Kami-sama's sake, please! I want to die! Holding out his arms in a gesture of welcoming, he opened his mind and body to the encompassing fire of the Kyuubi.
But the warmth never came; no raspy, angry voice answered his calls and pleas from inside of his head or out of it. Naruto began to wonder what had happened to the fox—did he finally die? Did he escape?
Being alone except for his thoughts made him miserable; he was so empty without anyone near him. He had no one to show off to, no one to compare himself to, and no one to yell about or smile at. He had basically no reason to live.
Then why did you live, Sasuke? Naruto thought. You never smiled at anyone, never cared if you were better than anyone, never showed off just to impress anyone. You only spoke about your brother and how you wanted to beat him, to kill him and avenge your family. Was that your reason to live, Sasuke? Your brother? Did I mean nothing to you? Why couldn't I give you a reason to stay?
And he was so, so alone.
Flipping over onto his stomach, Naruto pressed his face into his pillow and reached out his arm. He could feel his hand searching out the phone, fingers brushing over broken glass and dirty clothes that were strewn about the floor. Finally, after groping around a bit more, Naruto's hand gripped the black cordless phone and pressed it up against his ear.
Without even looking at the keypad, he punched in the number he knew so well—had memorized in the darkness so he could call, anytime, anywhere, to a place where there was no one home.
He pressed the Talk button and could hear the dial tone for a split second before it started ringing on the other end. It rang once, twice, three, four times before the machine cut in. Curtly, a voice he longed to hear again in person spoke.
You have reached the Uchiha residence. Only leave a message if it is important, for I am not here right now. I will only reply if necessary. Thank you.
Beep. Naruto knew he needed to speak now, and he opened his mouth.
"Aa. Sasuke. It's Naruto, again." He whispered, knowing that the machine would pick up his every word. "I'm sorry for calling and taking up space, but, I just wanted to know something. Why did you leave? Why wasn't I enough to stop you?"
He paused to take a breath, and ended up choking on the lump forming in his throat. Tears collected at the corners of his eyes, cooling his face as they slid down his scarred cheeks. "I-I am so sorry I couldn't stop you. I tried so hard, Sasuke. So hard. But all you could think about was your brother; you wouldn't even try to listen to what I was saying. I wanted to make you stay with me, selfishly. But I couldn't give you a reason to stay. You were—are—my best friend. You will always be my best friend. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you, Sasuke."
He was nearly sobbing now, the tears running quickly to mix with the liquid escaping from his nose and mouth. He choked, and coughed, before sucking in, making sure he had enough time left to say what he wanted to say. In a whisper, barely comprehensible, he whispered, "Come home, Sasuke. I need you."
The line on the other end beeped suddenly, and he was faced with a dead line. He held the phone up to his ear for a little while longer, not really understanding what had happened. Finally, though, Naruto slowly lowered the device, before dropping it to the floor, where it hit a sake bottle and clattered off noisily.
Looking out into the distance, where no one else could see, Naruto whispered again.
"Come home."
random inspired stuff. yes, i should be working on ETP. i shall, after finals. emo!naruto.