Author's Note, Before We Begin: Ah, good old MKR Mount Pleasant. I hadn't watched Rayearth for what seems like ages, until tonight, when my good friend CloudyNight is spending the night, and we were inspired to watch it and come up with another episode of MKR Mount Pleasant. This doesn't fit with the storyline I had going at all, with Nova being held captive at Wal-Mart by Ferio and Presea, but the same characters are included, with a few additions. This story is loosely based on an event that took place several weeks ago, when a heroin ring was busted in Mount Pleasant, and several people from the high school were caught with drugs in their locker, since they did the dog search that day too.
Oh, and Yuppie's is Mount Pleasant's gay bar. Quite the enigmatic place.
This fanfic is dedicated to Spopovich..Or so i've been told (velcroisaconspiricy@ilovelogan.com), who left me the following review on the second season of MKR Mount Pleasant:
"This is the shiz!! ahaha!! im talking wangsta!! gimme a dollar!! it is good. make more. it is all i have to live for in life. please please write more!"
By way of a disclaimer, obviously I don't own Magic Knight Rayearth, or the crappy town of Mount Pleasant, although I will someday when I become mega-rich...bwa ha ha ha ha.
MKR Mount Pleasant
The Movie:
The Great Drug Bust Day
(Scene is the Subway on Main Street in Mount Pleasant; a real Subway, not one of those crappy Subway Express things. Mokona is sitting on the counter, talking to Sandwich Artist Eagle.)
Mokona: Puu puu PUU! (Translation: I just want a freaking pizza sub! Is that so much to ask?)
Eagle: What's that, boy? Hikaru fell down a well? The Lakers won the Super Bowl? You want a beer?
Mokona: Puu PUU! (Translation: No wonder your hair is white, with how stupid you are!)
Eagle: Go for the beer! Raaaaaaaask!
Mokona: (dejectedly) Puu puuuuuuu. (Translation: You're hopeless. I'm going to Yuppie's.) (hops off the counter and waddles out of Subway)
Eagle: Hm, I wonder what he wanted. Oh well! (pulls his visor down and starts watching Dora the Explorer) I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map...
Nova: (walks into the main part of Subway, from the infamous "back room.") Eagle! Stop watching porn! There's something fishy going on at Taco Bell! I just went there to get a Chalupa on my break, and everyone in there was acting all weird...like they were high or something. (Gasps) They probably were! Eagle! We've got to get over there and do something!
Eagle: (Still watching Dora) I'm the map, I'm the map....
Nova: (shakes head) Fine, I guess I'll have to check it out myself. Cover for me while I'm gone. (She ducks under the counter, retrieves her mustard-filled Supersoaker, and pumps it.) I'm going in.
(Scene is Herbalicious, on Main Street. Inouva is standing behind the counter, looking like he hates his life.
Inouva: I hate my life.
(Scene change to the back room of Taco Bell, which is filled with bags of a substance that looks suspiciously like heroin. Ominous music plays. Zagato enters, with Alcyone hanging on his arm.)
Zagato: Just look at it, skank. It's beautiful. I'm running the biggest heroin empire in the western hemisphere, out of a Taco Bell in a dinky town in the middle of nowhere, and no one suspects a thing! Even a whore like you can appreciate that.
Alcyone: Anything for you, Zagato-sama.
Zagato: As soon as the transporter arrives to take this new shipment to Scottdale, I'll be rolling in the dough. Oh yes...I never dreamed being a drug lord would be so much more rewarding than just a plain old evil overlord. But I'm a billionaire, I've got my own private wench, and I can eat all the soft tacos I want! I'm a genius! (Throws his head back and laughs evilly.)
(Enter Presea)
Presea: Do you have my new "treats," Lord Zagato?
Zagato: (Ceases laughing) You're just in time. Here they are. (Hands Presea a large box labeled "Dog Biscuits") I trust these have been keeping that fool coworker of yours hooked?
Presea: (Sneers) He is no coworker of mine. His blind stupidity cannot hold a candle to my unsurpassed genius. (Throws her head back and laughs evilly)
Zagato: (Throws his head back and laughs evilly)
Alcyone: (Throws her head back and laughs evilly)
Brad Swaile: (Throws his head back and laughs evilly. Stops suddenly.) Wait a minute...where am I? How did I get here? (Pouts) This doesn't look like Yuppie's! I demand that somebody take me to Yuppie's! (Oversized cane labeled "To Yuppie's" pops out of nowhere and pulls Brad out of the scene)
Zagato: Nothing can stop us now!!! (Continues laughing evilly)
(Scene is Herbalicious, on Main Street. Inouva is standing behind the counter, looking like he hates health food.
Inouva: I hate health food.
(Meanwhile, at the End Zone, the sports bar where Geo and Zazu work...)
Zazu: (Slumped over at the bar, bottle of vodka in his hand) Y'know Geo....I don't even like sports. And neither do you! Sho what are we doin' workin' in a shports bar?
Geo: (Polishing glass, looking suave) I don't know. Something to do. And it sure beats bumming around at Frick Park all day.
Zazu: Yeah, I guesh you're right. And beshides, Frick Park don't got no alcomohol....Hey. What are we even doing in thish shene anyway?
Geo: You know...I have no clue. (Looks up towards the sky, yells) Yo, Dusk! Do we have a point in being here?
Dusk (That's me, the author): (drinking Honest Tea) No, not really! I just needed something to write, and Leigh Ann reminded me that you guys are supposed to be in this too!
Geo: Oh, ok! (To Zazu) I'm dying for a Mexican pizza. Wanna go to Taco Bell with me?
Zazu: Shuuuuuuure.
Dusk: (Darth Vader voice) Little do Geo and Zazu know that they are about to play a pivotal role in one of the greatest scandals to ever hit Mount Pleasant. Little do they know they are just pawns of Taco Bell and the marketing genius of Zagato, who has secretly been adding heroin to all of Taco Bell's foodstuffs. Little do they know...
Zagato: Get on with it!
Dusk: Alright, alright, geesh. Scene change.
(Scene is Herbalicious...)
Geo: And not another random Inouva scene!
Dusk: Hmph.
(Scene is Wal-Mart. Ferio is sitting on the Customer Service counter, eating from a box labeled "Dog Biscuits." Sailor Lantis is behind the counter, humming, "Hey Big Spender," and playing around on the computer. Primera is randomly flitting around Sailor Lantis.)
Primera: Lantisuuuuuuuu! Don't you ever do anything in your job besides stand behind the counter humming stuff while playing Naked Mikage Pong on the internet?
Ferio: (munching on dog biscuits) Well, it's not a very challenging position. Only complete morons ever need to go to the customer service counter, so we figured a complete moron would be perfect for the job. And besides, it's 3 o'clock in the morning. Not exactly prime shopping time.
Lantis: Yes...no...wait...almost got it....NOOOOOOOOO!
Ferio: (munching on dog biscuits) Lose again?
Lantis: YES! (rips at his hair) I can't take it anymore! All I wanna do is see Mikage naked, but nooooooo! That stupid little ball is just too smart for me! I just...can't....win... (smacks his hand to his forehead in anguish and slumps to the ground)
Ferio: (munching on dog biscuits) See? Complete moron.
Primera: (turns red) Don't you EVER insult my Lantisu! (whips out a huge-ass sword from nowhere and starts chasing Ferio around with it)
Ferio: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (While all this is going on, he is holding tight to the box of dog biscuits, pausing randomly to pop one into his mouth)
Presea: (sitting on top of the chips aisle, watching the scene through opera glasses) Yes...perfect. With Ferio addicted to the dog biscuits, he'll never be able to quit his job, since he gets them for free here! And with Ferio working here as a diversion, I'll be able to carry out my real plan....TO BECOME THE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH! (raises her hand to her forehead tragically) Yes, sad, I know. I've been working here at Wal-Mart ever since it opened, but Ferio has always prevented me from earning the title I so rightfully deserve. I know that fool Lantis will never get it, so as long as Ferio continues his obsession with my special heroin-laced dog biscuits, his druggie antics are sure to get his disqualified from the running! I will ascend...to GLORY! (pounds her fist on her chest and dramatically fades away)
(Or was it just the camera moving?)
(The scene is again, the back room of Taco Bell. A multitude of men with mullets are transferring the aforementioned bags of heroin onto a truck labeled "SHEETZ" for delivery to Scottdale. Zagato is sitting on his specially-made throne in the corner, with Alcyone snuggled up next to him)
Alcyone: Zagato-sama...have I ever told you how much I love you?
Zagato: (Attired drastically differently from when we last saw him in his usual robes; this time he is wearing a neon green, zebra-trimmed, velvet pimp suit, pink glittery platform shoes, and a multitude of gold chains. He is also wearing sunglasses, even though it is creepy and dark in the room.) Of course you love me, biotch. Youse my ho. And all hos best love deir pimps, ya know what I'm sayin'? Or dey get pushed back onto da streets where they beLONG! Ya know what I'm sayin'?
Alcyone: Zagato-sama...I'm worried about you. This drug lord business has gone to your head.
Zagato: Hey yo, that is WHACK! You don't know what you're talkin' about, you stupid ho! I'm pe-ump now, and there's nothing you can do about it! Now shut up before I smack you upside yo' foo head!
Fuu: (Pops her head in the door) Did somebody mention me?
(Random large men in black suits and official-looking watches jump out from behind Zagato's throne and shoot Fuu down with machine guns.)
Zagato: Yes, so where was I? Oh yes...BIOTCH! I'm yo pimp, youse my ho, and you best be recognizin'! Skadiddle?
Alcyone: I have no idea what you just said...
Dusk: Neither do I....
Zagato: That's cause you ain't nothin but a stupid ho! Now give me some sweet lovin' before I make you sleep in the parking lot tonight!
Alcyone: Oh no, Zagato-sama, anything but the parking lot!
Zagato: Then sweet lovin'! Right now!
(Censored)
(Meanwhile, Geo and the still sloshed Zazu walk up to the counter in the front of Taco Bell. Emeraude, with very bloodshot eyes, who keeps swaying back and forth, greets them)
Emeraude: Wel...come. To Taco Bell. May I take....your order? (sways some more)
Zazu: Dude Geo, she's more intoxicated than I am...that can't be posshible! (Pulls a bottle of Smirnoff out of his pocket and starts chugging it. Then he falls to the ground.) (Weakly) That'sh better...
Geo: (nudges Zazu out of the way with his foot) Anyway...can I have a beef Mexican pizza and a large coke?
Emeraude: Sure you can! (Dazedly starts putting Geo's order together)
Geo: Hmm....something isn't right about this place. It could just be all the marijuana fumes in the air, but I'm still not sure...Maybe I'd better go investigate. (He jumps over the counter, past Emeraude, and heads toward the back room)
(As this is going on...)
Nova: (Bursts through the door of Taco Bell, armed with her supersoaker) I'm here! I'm queer! Get used to it! Errr...SURRENDER! (She leaps over Zazu)
Zazu: Hey...is that my mom? (passes out again)
Nova: (Leaps over the counter, past Emeraude, and joins Geo at the door to the back room, which is encrusted with gold and jewels, and requires a handprint to open.) What are you doing here?
Geo: Something seemed odd about the place, so I came back here to check it out. And you?
Nova: Same. Plus, it sure beats sitting around Subway all day watching Eagle watch porn.
Geo: Eagle really watches porn? How come he never lets me watch any of it?!?!?
(Flash to Subway, where Eagle is sitting on the counter with his visor down)
Eagle: I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map, I'm the map...
(Back to Taco Bell)
Nova: Never mind! We've got to see what's going on back there! Stand back! (Cocks her Supersoaker, blasts mustard all over the door, somehow defying all laws of physics and breaking the lock.) (Kicks the door open)
Geo: Gasp!
Nova: Gasp!
(Scene is Herbalicious, on Main Street. Inouva is standing behind the counter, looking like he is about to dryly gasp.)
Inouva: (dryly) Gasp.
(Back to Taco Bell)
Zagato: (leaps off his throne)What in da holy name of Tupac iz goin' down here? You ain't allowed to be here! Cap 'em, boyz!
(The aforementioned large men wearing suits and official-looking watches jump out from behind Zagato's throne with machine guns.)
Geo: MOMMY!!!!!!! (Cries like a little girl and runs back out of the room)
Nova: (Cocks supersoaker) Looks like this is a job for...
Random Voice from Offscreen: ME!
(All of a sudden, the back door used to deliveries bursts open. Clef, dressed in full pimp regalia, appears, with Tarta and Tatra hanging on both of his arms.)
Clef: You'se be invadin' mah territory, BIOTCH! There's only room enuff for one Masta Pe-ump in Mount Pleasant, and that Masta Pe-ump be ME! I'ma bust a cap in yo' ass, foo'!
Zagato: Dem's fightin' words, shortie. Outta tha way, boyz. (Pushes the large men wearing suits and official-looking watches out of the way and stands right before Clef.) (Looks down) You REALLY think you got anything against me?
Clef: (Smiles sneakily, snaps his fingers. Tarta and Tatra exit, and re-enter, carrying what looks to be a large, mechanical hand. They pull back Clef's left sleeve and carefully attach it to his arm, over his real hand.)
Zagato: No...anything but....(Backs away into the corner)
Clef: Yes...it is my all-powerful secret weapon, used for centuries to whack any other pimps who tried to rise to glory in Mount Pleasant...it is...
Clef, Tarta, and Tatra: (Scarily) THE PIMP SLAP OF DEATH!
Nova: WTF? I'm going back to Subway...(Shakes her head, exits)
Zagato: (Sweating profusely, with a look of sheer terror in his eyes) No, please...I'll do anything, anything, just please don't give me The Pimp Slap of Death!
Clef: I'm afraid I can't do that. (Why is he talking out of pimp mode, you ask? Well, my pathetic form of ebonics doesn't exactly work for the dramatic scenes. Just play along.) You see, once a person has had a taste of the glory that comes with pimping, he becomes addicted to it. He might say he'll stop, but he never will. He will keep pimping, in secret, ceaselessly trying to achieve glory. And the whole drug lord thing? That's just whack, yo. Drugs aren't cool at all. Only pussies do and sell drugs...and I ain't talkin bout no cats, either.
Dusk: See! There is some redeeming value to this story! Don't do drugs!
Clef: I'm going to enjoy slapping you....Girls, you might wanna turn around. (They don't.) Whatever. (Grins maniacally, raises his big-ass mechanical hand)
Zagato: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Camera flashes back to the front room of Taco Bell, where Geo is pulling Zazu out of the door, and Emeraude is still swaying back and forth. Nova is squirting all of the customers with her mustard-filled Supersoaker, just for kicks and giggles. All of a sudden...)
Sound Effect: THWACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Only a helluva lot louder. This is, after all, a big-ass mechanical hand. Maybe throw some electric shock noises in there too, just for good measure.)
(The impact of the slap causes the whole of Taco Bell to shake violently, and it crumbles to the ground, miraculously managing not to harm any of the people in it, except for Zagato and the large men wearing suits and important-looking watches, who now cease to exist.)
Alcyone: Clef! You killed my lover, and I vow to come back some day and wreak fiery vengeance on you!!!! (Disappears)
(Dawn is slowly breaking over Mount Pleasant, and all of the characters mentioned thus far wander into the remains of Taco Bell, except for one.)
(Flash to Herbalicious, on Main Street, where Inouva is standing behind the counter looking like he hates happy endings.)
Inouva: I hate happy endings.
(Back to Taco Bell)
Ferio: (As Presea walks in) Presea! I found out what you did to these dog biscuits, and all about your evil scheme to become employee of the month!
Presea: Gasp! But how?
Ferio: Dusk told me. She didn't know how else to work this part of the plot out.
Presea: Oh. Well, (Starts spazzing) can you blame me? I've worked at Wal-Mart ever since it opened, and once, just ONCE, I have wanted to see my picture appear on an Employee of the Month plaque! But nooooo! You and your friendliness, and your helpfulness, and your supreme popularity with the old people has earned you the title EVERY SINGLE MONTH! (Breaks down and sobs) All my life I've waited for Mount Pleasant to get a Wal-Mart, so I could someday work there and hold the esteemed honor of being Employee of the Month. (Points at Ferio) And you...took...my dream away!!!! (Curls up into a fetal position, sobbing)
Ferio: (Kneels down beside her) I never knew the title was so important to you....and while it is pretty creepy, I'm very sorry. But you didn't have to stoop to using drugs to dishonor my good name.
Presea: (Looks up, still crying and sniffling) No, I guess I didn't.
Clef: That's right. Drugs never solve any problem.
Zazu: (Less drunk now that he's been passed out for half the story) But what about violence? Violence is ok?
Clef: Of course violence is ok! But only if it's done in a humorous manner. That way, no one can get mad at you because they'll have enjoyed it too much.
Zazu: Sweet!
Dusk: (Furrows her brow) The opinions expressed by Master Pimp Clef are not necessarily those of the author.
Clef: But drugs never solve anything! And that includes alcohol. (Snatches Zazu's Smirnoff bottle away from him.)
Zazu: Hey! My ambrosia!
Clef: (Hands Zazu a freshly-brewed pot of coffee) Here, drink this instead. You'll thank me in the long run.
Zazu: (Chugs the coffee straight out of the pot, gets a maniacal gleam in his eye) I like this.
Geo: Uh-oh....Come on Zazu, we have to go find a new job! We can't work at a place that endorses the mindless consumption of alcohol! (Drags Zazu away)
Sailor Lantis: Well, I think we all learned something here today. Let's all hold hands in a circle and sing Kum-bah-yah!
Various Mumbles from Everyone: Hell no...Sailor Moon-addicted freak...I'm going to Yuppie's....(Everyone except for Sailor Lantis and Primera exit.)
Sailor Lantis: Well, that was fun.
(Scene is Herbalicious, on Main Street. Inouva is standing behind the counter, looking like he thinks it wasn't.)
Inouva: No it wasn't.
THE END
Another Author's Note: Wow, that was long. Most MKR Mount Pleasant episodes only run about 3 pages, this is about 10. Don't flame me for not including some characters as often as others; it's really hard to keep everybody happy when you're working with so many characters. If you've read the original fic, you've probably noticed that Ascot, Asuka, Sang Yung, and the Elder (I still don't know his name...-.-;;) weren't mentioned at all. But I think it's pretty funny how the Magic Knights aren't in this at all, except for the obligatory Fuu-bashing scene. I didn't know what to do about the Inouva scenes; Cloudy forced me to put him in somehow, so I borrowed a gimick from the Utena spamfic "Scenes from an Elevator," (written by dreiser, dreiser.net or something like that, everybody should read it) which features random Noin scenes. Oh, and there's a Megatokyo reference in there too. Kudos if you get it.
I for one think this turned out alright, considering my knowledge of MKR is a little rusty and I wrote this at 11 pm when I was dead tired from school, yet inhumanly twitchy from large amounts of vanilla coffee and Honest Tea. Umm....I think that's about it. Oh yeah, and as usual, all flames will be used to burn Fuu in my backyard. ^^;;;;