But It's Better If We Don't

When Rachel didn't show up to Glee practice, Quinn's first reaction was fear. Obviously something must have happened to her, because she was always at Glee, and she was always at least fifteen minutes early. On top of that, Finn looked guilty, his eyes were focused either on Mr. Shue or his own hands, but Quinn could tell he wasn't really focusing on any of it. Something bad must've happened, something really bad. Her heart clenched as she leaned over to Santana.

"What did I miss today?" She asked in a hushed voice. "Rachel's not here and nobody is suggesting that we report a missing person, so what happened?"

"I'm not surprised you didn't hear. Finn broke up with Rachel this morning." Quinn instantly stood up from her seat, choosing to ignore the smug smile that Santana gave her.

"Yes, Quinn?" Mr. Shue's question caught her for a moment. She'd been too wrapped up in her worry and her sudden urge to go on a one-person manhunt for Rachel that she didn't realize Mr. Shue had still been talking when she stood up.

"Um. I have to go to the bathroom." Mentally, she cursed herself as she practically ran for the door. That was the best she could come up with? It didn't really matter, she figured, since it got her out of there fast before anybody could ask any questions. It's not really like she could say 'I have to make sure Rachel Berry is alright,' because as far as anyone else knew, they were barely even friends. And then she would have to explain everything that had happened between Sectionals and when Rachel and Finn had begun dating, and she really didn't want to do that. She wasn't even sure she could explain what exactly had happened.

They'd stayed late to do some vocal work for Quinn's solo, and it just happened. Rachel kissed her, or maybe she kissed Rachel, she didn't really know. All she knew was that it was the most mind numbing, toe-curling kiss she'd ever shared with anyone. When they pulled apart, the brunette's lips were parted and her cheeks were tinted pink, and she was just absolutely, adorably gorgeous. Quinn looked down, her eyes focusing on her ever-growing baby bump, and knew she could do it. No matter how much she wanted to kiss Rachel again, she couldn't. The fact of the matter was, she was the homeless ex-cheerleader pregnant with her ex-boyfriend's best friend's baby, and that carried a lot of baggage. She'd already hurt Rachel so much, she couldn't bear to destroy her dreams by tying her down in a relationship involving a child. She would lose everything, Julliard, Broadway, New York, and it would be Quinn's fault. She couldn't take that.

So she stood up and walked out of the practice room without another word.

Quinn didn't let herself feel regret for it, she knew it would be better, for both of them. This way, Rachel could move on in her life, and Quinn didn't have to worry about tying her down with all her baby drama and general lack of potential in life. The only times she felt guilty were when she would catch Rachel staring at her in Glee and the girl would quickly look away and when she'd keep her eyes locked firmly on the floor when they passed in the hallways. It was easy to pass off the ensuing nausea as morning sickness, rather than the weight of all those unanswered 'what ifs' in the pit of her stomach.

No, she was not still in love with Rachel Berry, something Quinn was sure to drill laboriously into her brain as she wandered through the halls. They weren't meant to be, too distinctly opposite in every way to be good for one another. Their...thing, whatever it was, was in the past, and she was looking for Rachel now just to make sure she was alright. In the friendly sort of way. She and Finn had only been dating for a month, and the blond knew that when Rachel committed to something, she committed fully. She knew she was hurting, and she wanted to make sure she was okay. That was all.

When Quinn finally found her, sitting on the floor in an empty classroom, crying, all of her mental guards fell apart and she was right back at the beginning. Right back to where she wanted to hold and to kiss and to touch Rachel so much it hurt, right back to where even the little things that Rachel did drove her crazy, right back to where she thought Rachel looked gorgeous even when her eyes were all puffy red. Instantly, Quinn regretted following her urge to find the brunette, because as she stood in the doorway and caught one look at Rachel Berry, she was in love all over again.

There was no escaping, because Rachel saw her as soon as it registered in Quinn's mind that this was a terrible idea, and she began struggling to stop sobbing. The blonde forced one foot forward, than the other, shutting the classroom door behind her.

"Rachel-"

"Quinn, if you came here to gloat, you can leave. I know you were right." Rachel's words were sharp, and Quinn bit down on the inside of her cheek. She'd been having a bad day, a day where she found herself falling in love with Rachel again, when Rachel and Finn had entered Glee practice hand in hand. She'd snapped, telling her that Finn didn't really like her as much as she liked him and their relationship would crash and burn. There really was no reason for her to say anything at all. She had no right to be jealous, because she was the one who'd let Rachel go, and it was for the best.

No matter how many times she kept telling herself that, forcing it into the front of her mind whenever she felt those pangs of envy, she couldn't make herself truly believe it. There was always a little voice in the back of her mind cursing her for letting someone like Rachel slip through her fingers. Now, that same voice was cursing her even harder, because Rachel ended up getting hurt anyway, and by her own ex-boyfriend.

"I came here to make sure you were okay." Quinn took a few tentative steps forward, finding herself sitting next to Rachel, her back pressed against the wall. "You weren't at Glee, and I was worried you might be dead." It was a joke, but she didn't laugh, and neither did Rachel.

"Well, as you can see, I'm perfectly fine, so you can go now." Rachel's words were clipped, like she was trying to make sure that her voice didn't waver. She wasn't one to back down, especially not to Quinn. "I'm not going to let you try and comfort me when it's clear you're only doing it because of some underlying feelings of guilt you have. I deserve better than that."

"Yes, you do. If I'm being honest, you deserve better than Finn, too." It was true. Finn was a fairly shallow person, and it wasn't his fault, but he and Rachel were on two completely different mental wavelengths. Rachel looked over at her with a glare.

"You have no right to speak about what I deserve, Quinn. You're the one who walked out." The venom in her voice struck Quinn in the heart, the same way it did every time Rachel looked at her after their kiss, and every time she had to see her with Finn. But she deserved it, so she said nothing. That silence continued for a long while, extending past the end of Glee practice, but the blonde didn't really mind. With every passing moment, the tension between them slowly dissipated as Rachel's rightful anger fizzled out. She didn't start crying again, which Quinn was thankful for, because she didn't know how to comfort a person in a way that didn't involve hugging and she knew that would wreck everything. She knew that if she so much as touched Rachel Berry, her mental battle would be over and she would've lost. Right now, she could keep telling herself that everything she'd done was for the best, and while it ate her up inside, most of the time she could pretend like it didn't. Rachel would be able to follow her dreams and continue on to Julliard, moving far past whatever feelings she might've harbored for her. If Quinn touched her, though, she wouldn't be able to lie to herself any longer, because the electric feeling of Rachel would make her heart beat fast in a way that she couldn't force herself to forget a second time. Still, wasn't the time for pretending, which Quinn knew before she spoke. It was a rare quiet, relatively relaxed moment between them, and she couldn't ruin it by acting like nothing had ever happened between them. Maybe it wasn't the time to lie to herself, either.

"I always thought I would be the one to break your heart…" Her tone was almost bittersweet as she spoke, admitting one of her biggest fears. She looked over at Rachel, who she was surprised to find was staring back at her with some semblance of a smile. It was sad, though, all of her features were.

"You did." Rachel's voice is small. She'd always known that walking out that day had hurt Rachel, but she'd never realized exactly how much it destroyed her. She'd never realized that maybe Rachel had been going through exactly what she was going through, or that she'd invested herself into Quinn as much as she had with Finn. The guilt made her feel sick.

"Can I take it back?" Quinn is surprised to find that her voice is just as small as Rachel's was. The brunette reached out, her hand resting gently on top of Quinn's. Her heart began to quicken, thudding loudly beneath her ribs, reverberating throughout her body.

"No, but you can start over."

If Quinn was going to be honest with herself, losing the battle to Rachel Berry was not as bad as she'd thought it was going to be.