Prompt: Elizabeth experiences depression as bad as it was after her parents died, but this time she doesn't even know why.
So, I finally found the nerve to tough this topic. There are many ways of how depressions can affect someone but when I read the prompt, this was what came to my mind immediately. I hope, you enjoy reading it and as always, leave reviews because they absolutely make writing fanfictions so much more fun!
It was a time, Elizabeth didn't like to think about too much. The time, after her parents had been in a tragic accident and left her and her brother orphanages. Yes, they had their aunt and uncle. But staying with them was as uncomfortable as living with complete strangers, probably even less. They had never wanted any children and were more or less uninterested in both Elizabeth and Will. That's why Elizabeth never made an effort to go "home" on weekends or holidays and concidered her boarding school home, though she did get lonely there too. Holidays were the worst, when everyone left, happy to go home and Elizabeth stayed. There were days, when Elizabeth wouldn't leave her bed, wouldn't change out of her pajamas, wouldn't eat, wouldn't go outside. She just couldn't. Even if she'd wanted to, she couldn't. There was no motivation left inside of her, no desire to do anything besides lie in bed and block out any sort of feelings.
Elizabeth had been suffering from depressions, but back then, she had had no idea. She just felt sad, the world was unfair and Elizabeth felt like she had every reason to feel that way. After all, her parents were dead. Try to feel jolly with that.
Those episodes would pass eventually and she would feel like herself again, go outside, for runs, for riding, for hanging out with her friends.
When Elizabeth and Henry had gotten together it wasn't long until Henry noticed that there were times, when Elizabeth struggled immensely and because it pained him to see her in so much hurt, he had urged her to see a therapist. Eventually, Elizabeth agreed and was forever grateful for that decision. Yes, it had been hard and painful and dark. But she got through it and at the end, the death of her parents and everything that came with it, was still saddening her and she would still cry about that tragic loss, but it wouldn't suck the life out of her anymore. Years and years went by and Elizabeth had long forgotten the almost indescribable feeling of heaviness. You could say that she had succeeded life, being the secretary of state, the wife of a loving, caring, intelligent and kind men, mother of three brilliant children, friend of wonderful people. Yes, Elizabeth had every reason to get up in the morning with a smile on her face, even if her life was as demanding as possible. At least, that's what Henry thought.
But still, a time came, when Elizabeth would wake up and couldn't help herself but couldn't think of a reason why in the world she should get up. For every fire she put out at work, it felt like ten more appeared. Her kids didn't need her nearly as much as a couple of years ago, all of them growing up so beautifully but fast. And Henry. Well, Henry, her wonderful husband, of course they needed each other. But with him and her traveling for their jobs all the time now, they rarely got any quality time anymore.
So that morning, with all of the kids out and about and Henry somewhere in Afghanistan, Elizabeth lay in bed and sighed deeply. After the first time for decades, Elizabeth wished that she could simply stay in bed, sheets over her head and just hide. While still trying to find the motivation to get up, her phone rang. For a second, Elizabeth thought about just not picking it up. The world wouldn't go to hell, if I don't, Elizabeth thought. Just, that it might will, she sighed and picked up without looking at the caller ID.
"Hello?"
"Morning, babe, did I wake you?" Henry greeted her in a cheery voice.
"No, no, I was up", Elizabeth murmured, not so chery.
"You ok?" Henry asked, finding that his wife didn't sound well.
"Jep", Elizabeth sighed and slowly got out of bed to start the coffee machine. Henry didn't buy it for a second.
"Listen babe, we're on the way to the plane home. I'll be back tomorrow morning, will you be there?" Henry thought, that might cheer Elizabeth up.
Elizabeth thought about her schedule for a second: "Yeah, I think so, unless something unexpected comes up", she eventually answered with no joy in her voice whatsoever. "Elizabeth, are you sure you're OK? You sound sad", Henry couldn't resist asking.
"I'm fine", Elizabeth said and felt bad for it immediately, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. I'm just not in a good mood, that's all. Everything's fine though, don't worry about it, Kay? I'll see you tomorrow", Elizabeth said, eager to keep her husband from worrying.
"All right, I love you, you know that, right?"
"Of course, love you too", Elizabeth answered and sighed deeply after they hung up. She didn't feel hungry so she just poured the coffee into her travel mug and went to work.
She got home to an empty house that night, the kids were all at friends and selfishly Elizabeth regretted a little for letting them sleep over at their friends all at the same time. The house was so quiet, the only thing she could hear was the fridge. As she stood in the kitchen, Elizabeth didn't know what to do next. Having the house to herself was so very rare, that she usually enjoyed it with a hot bath, glass of wine and some girly movie without anyone (especially Jason) commenting it nonstop. But today, Elizabeth didn't feel like doing any of that. She dropped herself on the highchair in the kitchen with a tea and some cornflakes. She didn't touch the food though and the cornflakes slowly turned into an unappetizing mass. The tea was untouched as well and got cold while Elizabeth was still sitting in the kitchen. She couldn't help but think about the times, she, Isabel and Juliet would sit around one of their kitchen counters and talk about everything and nothing. Elizabeth suddenly shook her head as if she could make those thoughts fall out of her head. She threw the tea and cornflakes away, went upstairs, turned the TV on in her bedroom and fell asleep while watching bakers trying to make the most significant cupcakes. Since the next day was Saturday, Elizabeth didn't turn on any alarm and since she usually woke up a around 8 or 9am, she trusted her own instincts that she would be awake, before Henry came home.
When Henry did come home the next morning, there was nobody home though. At least, that's the impression Henry got. It was after 10am and there was no sound to be heard, no TV, no coffee machine, everything was silent which never occurred in the McCord household on a Saturday morning. Due to the WhatsApp family group, Henry knew, that the kids were all away but he had been looking forward to spend a relaxing morning with his wife. He walked towards their bedroom to check, if Elizabeth was maybe taking a bath. When he walked through the door, without making an effort to be silent since he didn't expect anyone to be asleep, he first notice that the curtains were still closed and that the room was still dark. It took a few moments till Henry's eyes got used to the darkness until he saw his wife's figure in their bed. Henry walk towards the bed and gently laid his body on his side of the bed so that he could stroke Elizabeth's tousled hair out of her face and place a kiss on her shoulder. Elizabeth started to stir and when she opened her eyes, the first thing she saw, was Henry's worried expression.
"Hey", she murmured sleepy.
"Hey", Henry murmured back and kissed her on her hair one more time, "good morning."
A little confused, Elizabeth asked: "What time is it, did you come home early?"
Henry chuckled softly: "No, it's almost eleven, I actually came home a little later than anticipated. I texted you, but I guess you were still asleep."
"Hm, yeah", Elizabeth yawned and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She sat up and said: "Welcome home ", with a little smiled on her face.
"Thanks", Henry smiled and leaned towards her so that he could get the proper welcome kiss, he had been anticipating so much.
"Coffee?" Henry asked and Elizabeth nodded. She climbed out of bed, put her robe on and hand in hand they made their way into the kitchen where Henry got the breakfast going. Though Elizabeth had gotten some hours of sleep, she still looked tired, lost in her thoughts and not really present. Henry had been noticing that for some time now, but he had hoped that some time to relax would help her to feel better. From what he saw, it hadn't and he started to worry. He had seen her like that, but not since many, many years. He told her a little about his latest trip, but most of it, Elizabeth already knew so that by the time they had coffee and pancakes ready for them, Henry asked Elizabeth, what she wanted to do with their day off.
"Babe?" Henry asked when he didn't get an answer.
"Hm?" Elizabeth snapped out of her trance.
Henry chuckled: "I asked, what you'd like to do today."
"Oh, sorry, I was lost in thoughts. Uhm, I don't know, is there anything you wanna do?"
Henry thought about it for a while.
"You wanna go to the farm? Maybe some of the kids will come and you'll get to ride all day and just relax?"
Just the thought of horses usually made Elizabeth's eyes sparkle, but barely today. She nodded faintly.
"We don't have to, if you don't want to."
"Well, it's not like I don't want to. But by the time we are ready to go it'll be almost 1pm and with the drive… it's not really worth the trouble, don't you think? Besides, you just got back, why don't we just enjoy the peace and quiet here?", Elizabeth made an effort to smile.
"Sure", Henry smiled back, "whatever you want, babe."
Though Elizabeth felt like staying in her pajamas all day and do nothing, she decided to take a shower, mostly because she didn't want Henry to think that there was a reason to worry about her state. With George's death, Iran and Juliet's betrayal, Elizabeth knew that he was watching her closely.
It was a few weeks later though, when Elizabeth started to think, that her husband might have a reason to be watching her like an hawk. Though she thought she was fine and just getting through a tiring episode of life, Elizabeth was troubled more and more by the lack of energy and joy. It wasn't that there was less happiness in her life than before, she just couldn't feel it as much. But Elizabeth still went to her therapist regularly and kind of felt like, if she hadn't noticed anything, then there wasn't anything to worry about. Deep down, Elizabeth knew, that she was lying to herself. Just like she had lied to herself, after her parents death. Yes, she had had a reason to be devastated after their loss and yes, she had every reason not to feel joyfully and happy all day long after nearly getting killed in her friends family room and after finding out, that her friend, her best friend, had brutally betrayed her. She lied to herself though, by not admitting, that the feeling of desperation, listlessness, tiredness, sadness and restlessness was consuming way more than it should. She had done everything she could to hold up her facade, in front of Henry, the kids, her staff, POTUS, her therapist and herself. It was on a Sunday night, when she was looking for an important paper in her office that she shared with Henry, when she came across an old picture. It showed Elizabeth, Juliet and Isabel, almost two decades ago. The picture was taken at one of the many, many barbecues they had had together in the summer. Elizabeth collapsed on the chair and stared at the picture with trembling hands. The photo showed them all laughing, with beer in their hands, tanned, happy. There were many pictures like that of the three musketeers, as they sometimes had called themselves, but Elizabeth realized that moment, that there would never, ever be another one taken like that. It was almost as if Juliet had died. She was gone, not in her life anymore. Just like that. Elizabeth felt a pain in her chest that she hadn't felt since her parents death. With a shuddering breath and shaking hands, she shoved the photo into the drawer again and closed it loudly. The noise startled Henry, who was making an effort to finish the puzzle in the living room. He looked up and saw Elizabeth sitting in her chair, motionless. "You ok?" Henry asked.
"Hm?" Elizabeth snapped out of her thoughts.
"Everything all right?"
"Yeah", Elizabeth nodded half-heartedly, "I just can't find that stupid paper I'm looking for."
"Did you check the bedroom? There's a stack of paper on the escritoire."
Elizabeth hadn't checked there and actually found what she was looking for.
While Elizabeth was upstairs, Henry walked into their office. He felt shady and like he was betraying his wife, when he opened the drawer of Elizabeth's desk and found the picture of her and her friends lying on top. Henry had known that Elizabeth was going through a rough patch but since she was seeing her therapist, he hadn't been too worried and simply did his best to support her. He started to think that things were a little worse than he had thought. When Elizabeth came down the stairs, he found Henry sitting at her desk, the same way she had been sitting there just moments ago. With the photo, she had held in her own hands - just moments ago.
"Are you controlling me now?" she snapped, harsher than she meant to. Henry had been so lost in thoughts, that she hadn't noticed her until she was standing in the doorframe with her arms crossed in front of her and an angry expression on her face.
Henry struggled to find any words.
"Henry?!" Elizabeth exclaimed.
"I, no… I'm not controlling you, Elizabeth!"
"What did you think you would find there, Henry?! There's nothing in this house you don't know about!" Elizabeth felt betrayed.
"I know that", Henry said defeated, he didn't want to fight. Elizabeth just started at him and Henry realized that she wanted him to say something.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snoop around. I just… I'm a little worried about you and though I'm doing my best to give you the time you need, I just", Henry shrugged. He knew that his explanation wasn't good enough when Elizabeth turned around without a word and went upstairs. Henry thought about following her but decided against it. There was nothing he could say right now, that would make this better.
Upstairs, Elizabeth closed the door to their bedroom and went straight into their bathroom where she turned the shower on, stripped naked and then just let the water wash over herself. She washed her hair, her body, even found strength to shave her legs but then suddenly Elizabeth felt like the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders and as if she couldn't carry it anymore. Elizabeth sunk to the floor, with the water still running and sobbed with her head in her hands. She felt so hopelessness, so devastatingly sad, that she wished she would never have to get up. For some while, she didn't, but eventually the water became cold and Elizabeth was freezing. She got out of the shower, got ready and went straight to bed, without exchanging another word with her husband. It was a restless night for Henry and Elizabeth, lying so close together in their bed and yet so far apart. Henry just didn't know how to approach his wife that night and Elizabeth didn't want anything less than to talk to her husband.
The next morning, Elizabeth dragged herself out of bed at the crack of dawn and was out of the house before anyone else was awake. She avoided Henry, made an effort to be there for the kids as good as possible and didn't even notice that days passed since she last really talked to her husband.
Elizabeth still went to her therapist, talked about what was going on but, intentionally or not, couldn't bring herself to bring up the entire extent of the situation. It was Dr. Sherman's profession though and Elizabeth's state of course didn't go unnoticed by her. She also knew, that Elizabeth had to bring it up herself, because if she didn't, she wasn't ready to talk about it.
A few days later, Elizabeth's alarm woke her up at the crack of dawn again but she just couldn't bring herself to get up. She couldn't even bring herself to turn it off so eventually Henry rolled over groaning and grunting, reached over his wife and shut the alarm off.
"Elizabeth!" he complained sleepy. Elizabeth didn't move.
"Your alarm rang", Henry snapped unintentionally. Elizabeth closed her eyes and though she fought hard, the tears kept coming. She eventually started to weep, tears streaming down her face, rolling onto her pillow. As soon as Henry realized, he sat up and turned the light on. He looked at his wife and his heart broke a little. She was in so much distress and he just didn't know what to do.
"Baby", he murmured gently and laid his hand on her arm where he gently stroke her.
"Please, talk to me", he plead.
"I just can't", Elizabeth sobbed.
"Can't what?" Henry pushed her softly.
"I can't… I can't get up, Henry. I just can't do it anymore, I just can't", Elizabeth cried desperately.
Henry didn't know what to say. He laid back down, directly behind Elizabeth and held her close while she cried.
"It's OK", Henry murmured, "I got you."
"I don't even know why", Elizabeth said after a while. She wasn't crying anymore and Henry was still holing her tightly.
"Why what?"
"Why I feel like this. I mean, everything is fine, at least, I was coping with it, I am even dragging myself to a therapist every week but I just feel like… I don't know", Elizabeth sighed, "and I know I've been letting it out in you while you've only been trying to help and I'm sorry."
"It's ok. I didn't have any right to go through your stuff without asking. I'm sorry too", Henry murmured and hoped that Elizabeth would keep talking.
"I probably would have done the same", Elizabeth admitted and turned around so that she could look into Henry's face. Henry didn't like what he saw. She looked tired, drained, sad and thin. Henry hadn't noticed up until that point that she must have lost quite some weight. But then again, how could he, he had barely seen her the last couple of weeks.
When Elizabeth stayed silent, Henry said: "Babe, please talk to me. Tell me, what's going on. Tell me, what I can do to help."
Tears started to roll again. "If only I knew, Henry. The last time I felt like this… ", Elizabeth couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence so Henry did it for her, "Was when your parents died?" and Elizabeth nodded.
Henry laid his arm over her waist and held her.
"I don't mean to overstep, but you know, the photo in your drawer, of you with Juliet…", Henry hinted gently and Elizabeth shrugged.
"She's a scammer. I need to get over it."
"Isn't that the thing though, babe? Juliet was family. She was like your sister. George was family. And what she did to you, to him…", Henry said and was scared that he had pushed her to far when she closed her eyes.
"I can't even go there in my head", Elizabeth said after a while, "I just can't. I trusted her with my life and it almost cost me everything", Elizabeth whispered.
"It did", Henry nodded and wiped a tear away that was rolling down the side of Elizabeth's face.
"Honey, it's OK to feel whatever you are feeling. You just lost George, Juliet, almost your own life in a brutal attack, in which a friend of yours died, your bodyguard was shot while saving your life and a boy, younger than our son, witnessed it all. On top of that, you're going through PTSD, fighting against panic attacks - I'm not trying to make this sound worse than it is - but I want you to see, how much to handle that really is. Allow yourself to feel the emotions you have every right to feel", Henry said. Elizabeth swallowed and eventually nodded.
"I'm sorry", she cried after a few moments.
"There is nothing to apologize for, honey."
"But I'm a mess."
"You're not a mess."
"But Henry - "
"- you, Elizabeth Adams McCord are everything but a mess. You are the strongest person I know, I don't know any other person that could handle the things you handle on an everyday basis. But you are also human, Elizabeth. And it is only human, to feel pain and to be sad and to take a helping hand."
"I know", Elizabeth choked, "I just feel so foolish. You know, I've been through this before and I thought I'd be able to read the signs or something. That I wouldn't let this hit me like that again. But I didn't see it coming at all, it's all such a chaos. I feel like I'm so out of control", Elizabeth admitted and Henry was so glad that she was finally opening up to him, that he had to hold back tears.
"I don't see you as a person that is ever out of control, Babe. You have overcome such tragedy in your life, things that would have broken so many other humans, but not you. It had made you the kind, honest, fierce, beautiful, loving and the most brilliant woman. You handle everything situation, no matter how impossible it may seem, with such hope and optimism. And though you may not feel it right now, that's what's with you every second of the day. And it's what will be with you now too. You have got this, babe. I know you do. And when you feel like you don't, then you come to me. Always. All right?"
With a few tears still rolling down her face, Elizabeth nodded and snuggled up to Henry as close as possible.
"I love you, Henry."
"I know", Henry said because he felt like Elizabeth needed to know that he did indeed always know that, even if Elizabeth wasn't always able to show it the way she wanted, "I love you too."
The next time, Elizabeth's therapist asked her, how she was, Elizabeth didn't say that she was fine.
"Honestly, I've been better and I really need to get back to that", Elizabeth admitted with a sad smile.
With her strength, her will and the support from Henry, her kids and her therapist, Elizabeth was starting to get out of the darkness. She now knew, that what had happened with George and Juliet had effected her more than she had been admitting to herself and was starting to feel like she could slowly close that chapter and forgive herself for not being able to help her friend.