Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be had my sister not been ill.
Perhaps I would be happier. Better off, even. I'd have more time to spend to myself, after all, rather than with the girl who can't be trusted in a room by herself. Half my life is spent chasing after her, checking she's okay and trying to get a giggle out of her. But then the memories resurface from the deepest and happiest recesses of my mind, and I remember the tickle flights, the wrestling matches and the endless summer days that passed in colourful blurs of excitement and adventure, and I realise that I wouldn't trade my sister, illness or no illness, for the world.
When Lily smiles an instant glow radiates around her; her cheeks go rosy and she seems to stand a little taller, a little straighter. Lily Smiles are contagious. Even the coldest soul is touched by her glow. The best bit is when it reaches her eyes and they crinkle as you can see the mirth dancing in them. That's when I believe she really can be happy - that she really is happy, and it gives me hope. Her smile, so full of mirth, is the first baby step towards her healing, and then I will have my Lily back.
The problem is, I haven't seen that Lily Smile in a very long time.
I'm crossing the courtyard, pondering on how to politely refuse Hagrid's tasteless rock cakes, when a familiar voice drifts over to me.
"Can you give me my bag back, please?"
The last word is dragged out, her voice cracking audibly at the end.
My pulse increases, my senses sharpen.
"What's wrong? Got something to hide?" a girl with a mouth bigger than her brain goads while she carelessly tosses textbooks on the damp stone floor. The girls around her titter, smiling at my sister with repugnance sketched on their hateful faces.
Letting her hair drop over her face like a shield, Lily visibly shrinks into herself. My fingernails clench painfully into my palms.
Tell them to leave you alone, Lily. Tell them.
"Answer her, you stupid bitch!" another spits, making Lily flinch.
"No. I haven't, no."
The girl dropping the textbooks on the floor flings the bag into the fountain, not far from where I'm hidden. I reach out and grab the soaking satchel. "Fuck all in there. But, look here... what a lovely bracelet you've got." Smiling cruelly, she lurches towards Lily and grabs her arm, prying the piece of jewellery off her wrist.
Lily doesn't so much as flinch this time. She's just letting it happen to her. It's like she's become immune to the man-handling and insults - accepted them as part of everyday life.
And that's the last straw.
"Give that back," I growl as I march on over to the group to stand by Lily's side. Her eyes widen incredibly at my voice; she suddenly comes alive and looks more afraid than ever.
You'd think she'd be slightly happier to see her brother at a time like this, wouldn't you?
But that's not how Lily works.
"Oh, look, Potter, your brother's come to save you as usual," the girl hisses, eyes slit like a snake, but I can see they're all subtly edging away, getting ready to make their exits. Cowards. I refuse to let them. "Convenient, since we all know how you haven't got a single backbone in your body."
"Pathetic, absolutely pathetic," another girl snickers as they start to back away.
"I said: Give. That. Back." Every nerve in my body is telling me to fight. I wonder why Lily doesn't have that.
"Just give it him, Sask, we'll get it another day," one of them whispers.
"Fine. Whatever." She tosses the silver bracelet onto the floor by my feet. "There you go."
Does she expect me to thankher?
"We'll see each other soon, Lily, don't worry!"
"Leave her alone!" I howl after them, taking a few quick strides towards them which sends the cowards scurrying off, out of the courtyard.
Lily's gaze remains on one of her textbooks lying on the floor a few metres away, even after they are no longer in sight. Evidently the phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' isn't appropriate for her right now.
However, as soon as I murmur her name she snaps out of it and turns to me, anger blazing in her dark eyes.
"I've told you to leave me be!" she shrieks under her breath. "Why do you insist on getting involved? Are you trying to make things worse?"
"Of course not, Lils," I say, stepping forward and enveloping her in my arms. She is stiff as a board. "I want them to stop more than anything. I would've done a lot worse to them if I knew you wouldn' t hex me for it afterwards."
"Why do they hate me so much?" she murmurs into my chest, the anger in her eyes gradually burning out.
"'Cus they are a few messed up individuals. I honestly don't understand how anyone could hate you." I run my free hand across my jaw. "I'm gonna make them apologize, Lils, don't you worry."
"Don't bother," she whispers. "Honestly, just - just don't talk to them. It'll make it worse."
"Then we've got to tell one of the Professors. They'll sort 'em out."
"No, Al." She grabs my forearms, forcing me to look her in the eye. "Promise me you won't tell anyone."
"But Lily, we have to - "
She jerks me backwards, cutting off my speech. "Promise."
How can she possibly expect me to promise that? Those vultures are the reason my sister is ill. I want them to hurt. Overwhelmingly so. I want them to feel the pain they continually inflict upon my little sister, on my family.
And now look. Not only do they make my sister feel worthless, but they also turn me into a monster.
"But you, Lily, are worth so much more than those pathetic girls. You're clever and beautiful and strong; all they have going for them is their innate ability to gossip and put people down to make themselves feel better. They're jealous, Lily."
She lets out a high-pitched noise that sounds almost like a laugh, a scoff of derision, and shakes her head sadly. "You're wrong. Why would they... they would never be..." Her voice trails off, but I can complete her sentence with ease.
They would never be jealous of me.
My teeth grind together. Why doesn't she understand? Why does she view herself so differently to how the rest of the world sees her?
Of course, I know the answer to my own questions: the bullies injected false ideas into her mind long ago, before even I knew what she was going through. Ideas that have spread through her system like wildfire and corrupted her mind and warped her into a girl very different from the one who, many summers ago, demanded to play the heroic knight rather than the frail princess; who proudly wore her vibrant red hair down and long as opposed to the current Lily's hair, newly dyed as black as mine. One less thing for the bullies to pick on her for, I suppose.
It started off as light teasing, off-hand snickers and snide remarks. But slowly, ever so slowly, they became real stinging punctures to the gut: excluding her out of groups, turning friends against her, making her feel inadequate and isolated. Sworn to secrecy, I cannot- will not- tell a single soul what's going on, nor the reason why Lily's acting so different. Although I'm desperate to get her help, her trust means more to me than anything. Maybe that's my biggest mistake of all.
"Have you been sleeping alright recently?" I enquire, trying not to make the concern in my voice so obvious. Lily can't stand the thought that someone actually cares about her, you see.
True to form, she rolls her heavily-lidded eyes. "Who are you, my mother?"
"No, but I am your brother," I respond. No answer. "Look, Lil, I just want to know you're okay, that's all."
She sighs and looks up from the book she's studying. "I am. Thanks."
The smudges of purple under her eyes beg to differ.
The masses of parchment in between the pages of her textbook catch my eye. "Is all of that your homework?" I ask disbelievingly.
She nods.
"I don't believe that. Let me have a look - "
"No!" she cries, pulling them further away from me. "For god's sake, Albus, can't you poke your nose out of my business for just a second?"
Pouting playfully, I cross my arms and lean further back in my chair.
We're in the library on a blustery Saturday afternoon, doing homework together (as we have done since her friends started ignoring her), when Lily's ears first prick up at the catty voices coming from a few tables down from ours.
"Have you heard that Lily Potter is a lesbian?"
"Really? You know, I'm not surprised. I always suspected she was a little Lesbo-bitch. Only that can explain the new hair."
"Ugh, it's absolutely vile, right? What does she think she looks like?"
Giggles ensue.
"Stupid little goth. I bet she slits her wrists in the deepest darkest corners of her room late at night."
"Creepy little shit."
More giggling. I clear my throat and my gaze flickers down to observe Lily. Although her face is flushed scarlet, she continues to study her Charms textbook (albeit without moving her eyes).
Abruptly, I stand up, knocking my parchment and ink onto the floor, but before I can move too far a cold little hand catches onto my arm.
"No, Al," she warns in a whisper, attempting to pull me back down into my seat. I brusquely brush her hand off me.
"Yes, Lily!" I cry. "We can't just let them say this stuff about you! Don't you want them to stop?"
"Stop what? They're not doing anything." Her face is contorted in confusion. Seriously? She refuses to acknowledge the bullies, and that ignites my anger.
"You bloody know what! I'm sick of this, Lily. It ends now."
"Al," she croaks, reaching out an arm towards me again, but this time I step back before she can touch me. "Please. It doesn't bother me."
"Well, it should!" I spit. "They'll never stop if they think they can get away with it."
"They'll never stop if they think I need you to save me," she corrects quietly, her big brown eyes beginning to cloud over.
"Rubbish," I reply.
As I turn away and stride towards the malicious voices, a small sobbing noise starts from behind me; it sounds like a puppy whining or a rabbit snuffling. My heart drops into my stomach as I turn around.
I hate it when my sister cries.
"Please," Lily begs, tears streaming down her patchy face.
"See what they're doing to you, Lil?" I say, my voice softer now, but I do not move closer to her. "You don't deserve this. You don't need this."
I tell her this constantly. If only someone who wasn't family would tell her, maybe she'd begin to believe it.
"Sit back down, Al." It's an order. A muffled, unconvincing order, but an order nonetheless. An order I will not take.
"Al!" she shrieks as I turn and storm away from our table until I am face-to-face with the gossiping gaggle of girls. I recognise them from that day in the courtyard. They look about Lily's age, maybe a little older.
As I approach, their eyebrows raise and the unimaginable happens: the incessant chatter comes to a halt.
At the worst possible moment, words fail me.
"Yes? Can we help you?" one of them implores with a sickening simpering expression. She has the slyest eyes ever, reminding me of a snake's. Or that might be all the make-up making them that shape, I can't be sure.
"You bitches leave my sister alone," I snarl, finding the courage from their abhorrent glares.
Snake-eyes acts confused, just as Lily did. "What do you mean?"
"Don't play dumb, you know exactly what I mean!" I spit back.
They look taken aback. "Your sister is Lily Potter, right?"
"Obviously," I mutter.
Looking at the girls around her and shrugging, she replies, "Um, we don't actually talk to her."
"Never spoken to her in my life," another pipes up.
"Bullshit, I just heard you speaking crap about her," I roar.
Now she drops eye-contact. Stupid bint. "No, I think you must have misheard. We weren't talking about her, were we?"
She looks at the group around her once again, and they all shake their heads obediently.
She looks back at me and smiles complacently.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Lily with her head down, rushing past us out of the library with her books clutched in her arms. One of the girls towards the back of huddle nudges the girl next to her, and they break into a series of nasty sniggers.
"Oh, hey, Lily," Snake-eyes simpers as she passes, voice as sweet as honey.
"Hi," Lily mumbles to the floor. One of the girls steps out and blocks her from going any further.
"Lily, your brother made some... interesting accusations just now," Snake-eyes says, voice dark and dangerous. She hooks an arm round Lily's neck, effectively trapping her. "We're friends now, aren't we?"
Silence.
"Lil?" I prod.
A few moments pause. Lily finally looks up at me from the floor with her defeated puffy-red eyes, and then resolutely at Snake-eyes.
And then she nods.
(I don't believe it for a second.)
Snake-eyes smiles at me, her mouth as wide and slimy as a frog's. "There we go, Albus. There's your proof, right from a primary source."
I rub my forehead and shut my eyes. I'm not going to get an apology out of them, I can see that much.
"I'm not stupid, you know. All of you, just leave her alone," I demand, putting emphasis on the latter three words. "She's done nothingto you."
They're already collecting their bags and beginning to back off. "Mhm. We'll keep that in mind," she mutters over her shoulder, and they finally leave the library. But not before a couple of them 'accidentally' brush past Lily as they go, knocking the books out of her arms.
"Oh, I'm SO sorry, Lily!" they say loudly. "Let me help you!"
She bends down and helps Lily collect up the books, and I cross my arm and raise my chin, satisfied. She whispers something to Lily, who instantly snatches the books out of her arms and stalks out of the library.
"See you soon, Lily!" they call.
As they follow Lily through the door, I can hear them break into giggles again. What the fuck?
Without even bothering to collect my bag (I do have my priorities sorted, thank you), I pass out of the library too, just to make sure they don't give Lily even more trouble. Their laughter reverberates around the empty corridor as they carry straight on; Lily is nowhere in sight. Or so I think.
"I told you not to bother! I told you, and yet you still did, and you've made things even worse!" Her shrill, frenzied voice makes my ear drums ache. I spin around and catch sight of my sister with her hand raised, face convulsed with anger, and then -
"Shit, Lily!" I mutter, clutching my stinging cheek.
"You never listen! You never listen, and now you've made things a hundred times worse! I HATE you!"
So by trying to help, I make things worse. I don't understand why I'm failing to save my sister.
Alarmed at her loss of control, I take a good few steps back. "Lily, calm down."
"Don't you DARE tell me what to do after what you just did!" She is the sight of my mother when she's angry. And what a disturbing sight that is.
Her chest is heaving up and down and she gasps in loud laborious breaths.
"Things will be better now, Lil! They know I'm watching them now!" I say quickly. She needs to calm down or she may just blow an aneurysm.
More tears spill out as she speaks: "No, Al, it won't change a thing. They're just going to be more careful now!"
"How can you know?"
"Because they told me!" she blusters, stepping towards me. I take another step back. She's scaring me.
"You could have just stayed at our table instead of bringing attention to yourself."
"I was trying to get the hell out of there!" she cries. "You don't know what it was like; I was so trapped, in direct sight of them..."
"Lily... I understand why you're angry, but someone has to stand up to them! And since you won't, I have to!"
"NO! I can handle this myself!"
"Well you obviously can't! Look at yourself!"
She lets out a terrifying cry, a noise that sounds like it'd come out of an angered lioness, not a young girl, and whips her wand out of her skirt pocket.
My hands fly up in surrender. "Lily, please calm down - "
"YOU calm down!" she yells, her anger boiling over. "You need to SHUT UP! Silencio!"
I open my mouth, snappy retort at the tip of my tongue, but no words come out.
She's hexed me.
My little sister's hexed me.
"I'm going to lift this spell, Al, when you realise your interference is NOT helping. At all. Once you've learnt your lesson, I'll let you speak again." Her voice has calmed considerably, but the mad look is still lingering in her eyes. "But until then, leave me the hell alone."
What the - ? The little..! She can't do this to me!
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP!
After taking a deep stuttering breath, she mutters a half-hearted, "night, Al," and leaves me alone with my deafening thoughts.
I could go find the counter spell. Of course I could - the wealth of the library is at my fingertips. I could even go ask a professor or a friend; my writing skills are still functioning perfectly well.
But I can't find the energy. I feel numb. Maybe it's for the best that I can't speak; I'd just end up hurting my little sister further.
She's miserable, and I don't know what to do about it.
Leave me the hell alone.
How can I leave you alone, Lily, when you're the only thing on my mind?
Every waking moment is spent worrying about her, worrying if the bullies are terrorising her again, worrying what she's doing at this very moment.
"Stupid little goth. I bet she slits her wrists in the deepest darkest corners of her room late at night."
Around and round and round my mind that disgusting thought rings, obnoxiously loud and clear. She wouldn't. She's not like that. I would have noticed.
"Everyone would be happier without me around."
She told me that a few weeks ago during dinner, completely out of the blue. She'd had a relatively okay day as well - no mishaps that I knew of. I brushed it aside as another Silly Lily moment, but what if...
What if she really meant it?
I would do anything for my family, just as they would do anything for me, which is why I'm currently ready for bed on the comfiest sofa the Gryffindor Common Room has to offer, the warm glow from the vivacious fire toasting my toes. So luminous, so bright. So Lily, not long ago.
At last my worst nightmares come alive: slowly, silently, she creeps like a mouse in her fluffy dressing gown along the back of the sofa, breathing shallowly through her nose.
I stop breathing altogether and melt into the sofa even though the cloak is concealing me perfectly well. She can't see me. The trust between us is already crumbling at the seams. She must trust me, or who else would she have?
Once she is out of the portrait, I rise from the sofa with concerned curiosity as my fuel, quickly crack my joints, and slip through it too (I heave a sigh of relief when she doesn't turn back at the sound of the portrait slamming shut). As she trots up the staircase and through the eerie corridors, I'm careful to leave several metres between us.
(I know that you should never stalk someone. We all deserve our privacy, after all. But something inside of me is telling me, pleading with me, to follow my sister tonight, and who am I to ignore that sixth sense?)
Wait. I know this route. I take it every Wednesday evening to get to my Astronomy lesson. I daren't believe what my mind is telling me. Lily wouldn't... She's such a clever girl - probably gets the best grades out of the three of us - so she'd have to be mad to...
The sky is starless and the moon is hiding tonight, the sole source of light coming from what I suppose must be Venus, burning brightly a billion miles away. Once I reach the top of the winding staircase, I stop dead in my tracks. Terror floods me, for my sister is stood a mere few metres away, staring vacantly over the deserted grounds. Her feet are excruciatingly close to the tower's edge.
From the shadows I watch her wrap her skinny arms around herself (she's so thin now. When did that happen?) as she stares at the vast grounds around us, the faraway mountains hidden by a smog of mist. Engrossed by her every action, questioning what she'll do next, I remain perfectly still, scarcely breathing.
When she was little she loved to be up high, whether that meant swinging from the monkey bars or demanding to be carried on Dad's shoulders, and more recently, Quidditch. To put it simply, she loves heights. Loves them.
My heart nearly jumps out of my chest as she takes off her dressing gown and places it on the ground beside her. The wind howls around us and goose-bumps rise along my arms. She trembles and leans forwards.
LILY! GET BACK! I scream.
But no sound comes out.
I'm torn between running to get help and dragging her to safety this second, but both pose disastrous consequences; I can't let her out of my sight in case she… does something, and at the same time I'm absolutely petrified that the smallest movement on my part will scare her and consequently send her crashing to her death.
Each breath comes rapidly but the rest of my body remains frozen. So does Lily. Her body arches over the edge but she does not move. Her breathing is more jagged and sparse than mine; she is drowning in pain and struggling to hit the surface. She throws her arms back slightly as a stronger wind blows over her, thrashing her dark hair wildly around her. I can almost imagine it being beacon bright red again: a wild fire, vibrant and vivid and wonderful on this bleak night...
The wind ceases, and Lily gradually drops her arms back to her side. I have the urge to run over and pull her away from the edge, tell her to stop being so silly, to stop terrifying me. Joke's over.
If she jumps... well, I don't know what I'll do.
I don't know how I'd tell our parents. Or James. They'd think me such a coward, for standing here doing bog all as the most important girl in our lives makes the greatest mistake of hers.
I can't let her do this.
I can't think, I can't breathe.
This can't be real. I want this nightmare to end.
Why is my sister standing at the very edge of the tallest tower, looking the freest and calmest she's been in a long time? How has it come to this?
How can someone contain so much hatred towards another human being that they make them feel this... this low and worthless? How is that possible?
I blink, and Lily is shaking. It takes me a moment to realise she is crying; each sob racks her body back and forth, back and forth. She sobs and sobs into her trembling hands as I stand there, motionless, lifeless. I want to approach her, but my feet are glued where they are. I am made of lead and my muscles refuse to cooperate with me, although my throat is aching and my head is throbbing. But I ignore it all.
"Al," Lily whimpers; I jump out of my skin and leave my heart behind.
I can't be sure whether I imagined that or not.
Lily.
"Al, I can't do it," she confesses, the wind carrying her whispered words towards me. Although my heart is hammering furiously, I freeze every limb. Her voice breaks as she crumples to the floor and rests her head between her knees. She's as pale as the flower she was named for.
Shedding myself of the cloak, I move closer and wrap my arms around her tiny frame. She is so fragile. I fear she may shatter if I hold her too tightly, yet she may disappear from my arms if my hold is too weak.
"I'm a coward," she whispers in between sobs. "I can't do it."
No, I think defiantly, saving yourself doesn't make you a coward.
"Wh- what's wrong with me? I'm so weak. I - I can't do anything. I can't even do it." She raises her head to look at me. Her eyes are big and round and as terrified as mine are. "I'm so weak."
"No, Lily. You're really, really not."
It takes me a moment to realise I spoke aloud. She must've countered her spell a while ago.
"I don't believe you."
"I know."
And so we sit there on the dusty floor of the Astronomy Tower for god knows how long. Eventually the mass of darkness above our heads blends into blues and pinks and yellows; the birds start to sing. A new day begins, and still we sit clutching each other.
One bully, one vicious mouth, one stream of poisonous words thrown in one innocent girl's direction: that's all it takes.
One life, almost snatched away from beneath my fingertips.
Sometimes I wonder if wounds can be etched so deep that they cannot be healed.
A/N: I wrote this for an Anti-Bullying challenge and got given the character Lily Luna and, well, I decided to go all out and show the extent to which bullying can affect a person.
Also, this is my first attempt at angst/negative feeling stuff, so that was a challenge in itself. Fluff is my comfort zone, so I'd love some constructive feedback. Or any feedback at all. :)
(I'll probably come back and edit at some point)
Well, that's all I wanted to say. Bye for now, folks!
*slowly slinks off into distance*