Title: "Never Judge A Girl By What She Wears."
Disclaimer: I own nothing, all the rights belong to The-N and Tom Lynch, yada-yada.
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Spencer and Ashley.
Summary: I guess, Spencer's thoughts any time after the first scene in "Friends With Benefits".
Author's Note: I don't really know where this came from, but I stopped writing about half way through, forgot about it and picked up again half a week later – I think it shows.
I long to feel her touch on my skin, her lips on mine, our bodies silently dancing together. But, all I can feel is my face flush and a newfound warmth at the pit of my stomach, from thinking about what I want.
I absently chew in the rubber end of my pencil as I think about what or more specifically, who it is that I want. Ashley. She manages to haunt my waking mind – filling me with guilt and want, and when I sleep the manifestation only grows, but I don't feel guilty when I dream of her. I feel a lot of things, but guilt certainly isn't one of them. I blush again.
She's awakened something in me, something that has been lying dormant for sixteen years, and not just homoeroticism. I want her, I want to be with her, I want to spend every minute of everyday losing myself in her. I want to be the only person that can unravel the mystery that is Ashley Davies.
My clothes might have screamed, "I look sweet and innocent, but I'm really… sweet and innocent." But my mind seemed to be on a different page, my thoughts anything but sweet and innocent. It's a good thing that my clothes don't mirror my thoughts, because I don't think you can buy perverse clothes. Clothes that scream "I want to fuck my best friend, right now, I want to throw her down onto the table and have my way with her, over and over again."
This part of my mind should scare me, but it doesn't. Yes, it is new and different and somewhat resembles a teenage boy's. But I like it. It's a part of me that no one knows of and no one would believe. Not even Ashley – not initially at least.
I'm still changing; physically, mentally, emotionally – it's all mutating all the time. It will stop soon, when I reach the end of my teens. By then I'll have all the clarity I need. Or so I'm told.
Until then, I want to keep all the newer aspects of my personality quiet, at least until I'm sure that they're permanent.
I wont mention my ever-changing mental landscape to Ashley, not yet. I want to have her first, as me – as the Spencer she thinks she know's – or before all the shreds of the old Spencer completely dissipate. When I know that she's mine, then I'll show her the newer parts of me. The perverse sides of me. The parts that want to commit and break countless taboos. Homosexual sex in Church, during mass, is still a taboo isn't it?