A/N: Ahem. This was inspired by my own afternoon fishing adventures today. Tidbits of what Ed and the gang experience are also from this afternoon. Enjoy :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except a fishing pole. It's pretty awesome :D
"So," Mustang lowered the report he'd been reading, "Another failure—"
"Yeah, yeah," Ed rolled his eyes. "You don't have to rub it in."
"—possibly caused by your size—" Mustang smirked as he said this.
"Size has nothing to do with it! AND WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT—"
"—so I suggest you come fishing with us," the colonel finished.
"—MACARONI—wait what?" Ed paused to try and interpret what sort of code "fishing" might be.
"I got what you asked for, Colonel," Hawkeye came in carrying four fishing rods. Ed almost didn't recognize her at first since he'd only seen her in civilian clothes once or twice.
"Are those really fishing poles?" Al asked cautiously. The way the lieutenant was carrying them, they could be a new type of sniper rifle for all he knew.
"Of course; you have exceptional observation skills, Alphonse," Hawkeye replied. It was impossible to tell if she was being sarcastic or not since she sounded so serious all the time. "Now, do you want blue or red?"
"Ooh, blue please!" Al brightened immediately.
"WAIT!" Ed waved his hands. "You think we have time to do something as meaningless as fishing? We have a stone to find, Al, in case you forgot!"
"No, I haven't forgotten," Al replied calmly, not offended in the least since he knew his brother didn't really mean it, "And I haven't forgotten all the dead ends we've had, either. Come on, Brother! It's just one day."
"…Fine!" Ed snatched the red rod and looked up at the bobber dangling over his head. His eye twitched.
Mustang noticed as well and couldn't help saying, "Well, imagine that! That pole might be a bit tall for you, Fullmetal. Lieutenant, go to the store and get a smaller rod for him, will you? You know, the ones for kids six and under."
"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT A MINNOW'S BABY WOULDN'T EAT HIM SINCE HE'S SO TINY?!?"
When Mustang's gang, plus Ed and Al, arrived at the lake, the group spread themselves out along the dock. Ed sat with his back leaning against a post and lazily dipped a finger in the water. Al sat on the other side of the pole and took up that end of the pier. Hawkeye sat beside Ed and gingerly submerged her feet in the lake. Mustang crouched next to her. Havoc lit a cigarette as he settled himself beside the colonel. Breda plopped down and sighed in satisfaction. Fuery followed suit, and Falman sat at the other end of the dock. The group busied themselves readying their equipment.
Falman frowned after he whipped his rod forward a few times. "After all that reading I did last night, I still can't cast properly."
"Allow me to demonstrate," Mustang grinned. "Watch and learn." He brought his rod forward with a whooshing sound and stared off into the distance, searching for where his bobber had landed.
Plip.
Ed was the first to snicker. Soon the other men started chuckling too, and Ed burst out laughing. Even Hawkeye had to put a hand to her mouth to suppress a smile. Mustang slowly looked down to find his bobber floating innocently two inches from the edge of the dock.
"Ahem," he cleared his throat. "I meant to do that. To show you what not to do." Ed snorted and laughed some more.
Mustang was saved from further embarrassment by Al's yell. "I got one! I got one!" The suit of armor quickly reeled in his line and caught the large fish flopping wildly about. Al removed the hook from the fish's mouth and promptly dropped it in the bucket while the others cheered. Just as he was about to close the lid, Al made eye contact with the fish. Two puppy—er, guppy (?) dog eyes stared forlornly at him. Al resisted for only a second before lifting the lid back up and made to throw the fish back in the lake.
"Hey, hey!" Ed grabbed Al's arm. "What're you doing? That's a great catch! You're crazy not to keep it!"
"But Brother," Al held the fish in front of Ed's face, "it's so cute! Look at those eyes! Can you resist those eyes?"
"Yes," Ed stated bluntly.
"Brother!" Al gasped.
"Alright," Hawkeye glanced at the bickering brothers. "Why don't you keep the fish for now, Alphonse, and then you can decide later whether to keep it or not."
"Okay," Al agreed. He gently placed the fish into a cage and lowered it into the water. "Don't worry," he whispered, "my brother won't really eat you." Pause. "I think."
It had been over an hour since Al had caught his fish. There hadn't been even one nibble.
"I read that fish should come out on days like this," Falman commented.
"Falman," Havoc sighed, "the fish don't read the same things that you do."
"Come on, my fine fish fellows," Mustang announced suddenly. "Ask not what your fishermen can do for you; ask what you can do for your fishermen!"
"Ha," Ed snickered. "Roy Mustang: Future Fuhrer of the Federation of Fine Fish Fellows." A few chuckles followed, but the group soon lapsed into silence once more.
"Augh!" Ed groaned after a few more minutes. "This stinks! I bet the fish aren't coming to us on purpose!" His eyes widened as he realized something. "It's because I'm small, isn't it? You think it's funny, do you? Well…WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT—"
"And the great Fullmetal Alchemist has finally lost it," Mustang murmured, smirking to himself. Louder, he said, "Hey, Fullmetal, stop scaring the fish away!" Ed scowled at him, but didn't finish his rant.
"How about we have a contest?" Havoc suggested. The group perked up, except for Al, who was talking to his fish. "We each cast our lines out to that stump over there, and whoever's bobber is closest wins."
"Okay," Breda agreed. "But what's the prize?"
"Hm…" Havoc thought for a moment. "How about all the losers each give the winner twenty bucks?" The others nodded. "Oh yeah, and lieutenant—sorry, but you can't play. Your aim is too good."
"Fine," Hawkeye sighed.
One by one, each of the guys cast their lines as near to the stump as they could. "Hey Hawkeye," Havoc called. "Judge for us, will you?"
The lieutenant quickly traced all the bobbers back to their owners. "You did, Havoc."
"Alright!" Havoc grinned.
"Good job, second lieutenant!" Ed cheered as he clapped several times. Then, when he thought no one was looking, he casually dipped his hand into the water. He transmuted a ripple that traveled across the lake and gently nudged his bobber closer to the stump than Havoc's. "Oh wait, look! I think my bobber's closer."
"Seriously?" Havoc's face fell. "Crap. I didn't bring money today. I owe you, okay, Chief?"
"Hm." Hawkeye frowned. "I'm certain that Edward's bobber was off to the side a moment ago."
Al had seen the whole thing, and chose this time to pipe up. "Brother, cheating isn't nice."
"Ha ha," Ed smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "Very funny, Al." Then he leaned in and whispered, "Be quiet, okay? I need money to buy dinner tonight, since you won't let me eat your stupid fish!"
"Brother!" Al was appalled. "Sammy isn't stupid!"
"Well, I suppose you still win, Havoc," Hawkeye concluded. Havoc grinned. The rest grumbled as they reeled their lines in.
"Wait!" Hawkeye started. "If you all pull in at the same time—"
"Oh no! Our bobbers are all stuck together!" Fuery moaned.
"—they'll get tangled."
A while after, Hawkeye caught a fish as well. She frowned as she tried to work the hook out of its mouth. "Eck, this guy really swallowed it."
"Allow me to help, lieutenant," Mustang offered gallantly. He leaned over and freed the hook from the fish. The fish rewarded him by opening its mouth and shooting a stream of water into his eye.
"AUGH! I CAN'T SEE!" Mustang yelped, hopping blindly on the dock.
"Colonel, watch out!" Breda warned.
SPLASH!
Ed smiled from ear to ear. "Stop scaring the fish, Colonel!"
"Why you—" Mustang growled as he shook the wet hair out of his eyes. "If I had my gloves—"
"You wouldn't be able to burn me, because you're USELESS in the water, you idiotic excuse for a colonel! USELESS! Nyeeh!" Ed stuck his tongue and made faces while Mustang flailed around in the lake.
Hawkeye had been watching, but now she turned to the fish. "See what you've done?"
The fish opened its mouth.
Hawkeye glared at it.
The fish closed its mouth.
"That's what I thought," she nodded and tossed the fish in the bucket. Mustang had managed to climb onto the dock and seemed furious.
"You gotta admit though," Havoc tossed him a towel, "that fish had pretty good aim."
"Kinda like the lieutenant," Fuery observed timidly, but he was too quiet for anyone to hear him.
Suddenly Mustang's eyes bulged when something in his shirt flailed around violently. Everybody jumped back. Growling, he pulled out a fish and threw it vehemently into the bucket. As he stomped back to his spot on the pier, he noticed two other fish swimming around where he'd fallen.
"Hm, so my fish has a couple of ladies too," Mustang smirked.
Ed looked at him. "You crazy, Colonel Fish-shirt?" He grinned at the new nickname.
Mustang smiled back. "No I'm not, Mister Shorter-than-a-Fishing-Rod." Before Ed could explode, Mustang held the bucket with his fish out over the pier. "Here, ladies. Your guy is right here." Immediately, the two fish jumped out of the water and into the bucket. Everyone gaped. Mustang smirked. "See?"
An hour later, Breda had reeled in a round, reddish fish. Fuery caught one soon after that had black markings around its eyes. "Kinda like glasses," Breda observed. Fuery decided to let it go since it might be a rare, one-of-a-kind sort of fish.
"Aw, I got a bullhead," Havoc groaned as he hauled in his line. "These things sting bad and I don't have pliers. What am I gonna do?"
"That's easy," Hawkeye replied, pulling out her gun.
"NO! DON'T SHOOT!" Everybody ducked. Al pulled up Sammy's cage and hugged it against his chest protectively.
Hawkeye raised an eyebrow and placed her gun in her tackle box. "Wouldn't want this to get wet," she said slowly as she made her way over to Havoc. By the time the group had recovered from their shock, Hawkeye had released the bullhead from the hook and tossed it back into the water.
"How'd you do that?" Ed asked curiously.
"Magic," Hawkeye replied matter-of-factly.
"I got one!" Falman yelped as he pulled a long, skinny fish out of the lake.
Fuery examined it while Falman removed his hook. "Hey, where are its eyes?"
Breda leaned closer. "Maybe it doesn't have any. Like, it's blind or something?"
"No, look!" Havoc pointed. "It's just squinting really hard!"
"We have to leave soon," Mustang announced after he glanced at his watch. Havoc had caught his own fish an hour ago (It was quite peculiar, since it had a stick in its mouth. Breda had grinned and said that the stick would've been a cigarette, but one can't smoke underwater). Ed was the only one who still had to catch something.
"Well, I think we've caught a lot of fish, so…" Al casually pulled up Sammy's cage. "I'lljustletminegonowbyeSammy!" The fish swam out of the cage, waved its tail at Al, and then dove deeper into the lake.
Ed was too busy to notice. He didn't want to be the only one who didn't catch a fish that day. The others were already packing up and he was losing hope, but then his bobber plunged downwards and stayed down.
"Yes! I got one!" Ed grinned almost maniacally as he reeled it in with all his might. The fish put up quite a fight, and Ed's rod was bent at a crazy angle. The others stopped what they were doing to watch.
"Alright! Got ya!" Ed yelled triumphantly as he pulled the fish out of the water. Twitching feebly at the end of his line was a tiny minnow.
No one spoke.
"…YOU'VE GOT TO BE F*CKING KIDDING ME!"
Suffice to say, it was certainly a memorable fishing trip.
A/N: Alright, how was that? I hope this fanfic's humor made up for its lengthiness; usually I don't do long stories. But I couldn't help it with this. Oh yeah, and there really are fish that squirt water at things. They're called archer fish or something. I can't explain the other fish, though XD So read and review! :D